Where Do You Stand? The Beatles: Rock Band or Journey?

Celebrating 30 Years of Video Games Killing Children

The Year: 1978

The Game: Space Invaders

What the Politicians Said: Space Invaders will kill your children! This dangerous "game" gives players three "lives." This will clearly make children think they can get another life after they die, thereby causing kids to start killing themselves in droves thinking that they can instantly come back to life! Video games will promote teen suicide! Vote for us and we'll save your children from themselves!

The Year: 1993

The Game: Doom

What the Politicians Said: Okay, we were wrong about Space Invaders, Frogger, and Pac Man making kids jump off of buildings, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that we aren't RIGHT when we tell you that Doom will kill your children dead! This vile excuse for "entertainment" is different from the harmless games that came before it because it shows the violence happening from the point of view of the player. Since gamers are all stupid, we know for a fact that they will be unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Clearly Doom poses a danger that a real gun never could! Playing Doom will make your neighbor’s stupid kid murder your darling angel of a child! Vote for us or your children will surely die!!

The Year: 2001

The Game: Halo

What the Politicians Said: When you were kids, you played nice, safe, harmless games like Space Invaders. The aliens looked like little white boxes. But these new games that kids are playing today have deadly graphics! They are too lifelike -- There's no way for a kid to tell the difference between people in the real world and the alien monsters they kill on their Halo machines! Do we have to draw you a map? Don't you see how this will lead to big heaping piles of dead kids?

The Year: 2007

The Game: Manhunt

What the Politicians Said: While we have to admit that we were wrong again about Halo, we still have to warn you that the Nintendo Wii was the deadliest video game system ever! In games like Manhunt, players enact killings by actually waving their arms around in a vague simulation of real life chainsaw swinging action! This unprecedented level of immersion would -- absolutely, no doubt about it, we swear on a stack of bibles this time -- make those mentally unbalanced gamers finally snap! The experience they gain by wiggling the remote control joystick device will surely teach them everything they need to know about buying a gun, loading the ammunition, turning the safety off, bracing for the kickback, aiming, and firing! We're talking about kids killing kids here, people, so get scared and start voting for us!

The Year: 2008

The Game: Grand Theft Auto IV

What the Politicians Say: Studies now show that the average video game player is not a child at all and that their average age is actually 34. Considering this alarming data -- along with our history of pandering for votes by portraying gamers as evil, psychopathic, nut jobs for more than a quarter of a century now -- we have determined the obvious course of action: To protect our political careers, it is imperative that we raise the voting age to 35!

Move Over "Guitar Hero"

New Video Game Strategy Guides (For the Way You Really Play)

Halo 3

• Rent the game from Blockbuster. Go in the middle of the week. They have more games in stock then.
• Invite your best friend over to play. Your friend is cheap, so he will eagerly accept your offer to play games on your dime.
• Before entering the multi-player death match arena, you will be able to select what character you want to play as. The different characters have different levels of speed and armor and agility. Select the character with the biggest hooters.
• When the level starts, run and hide until you find the Scarab Gun -- It’s the best weapon in the game.
• Shoot your friend.
• As soon as he re-spawns, hunt your friend down and shoot him again before he has time to pick up a weapon.
• Run up to his corpse and shoot him in the crotch as many times as you can. Shoot fast—you will only have a few seconds before his body fades away.
• Repeat the process as often as possible before the time limit on the match runs out.
• If, by some chance, your friend manages to grab a rocket launcher before you can kill him, just get up close to him and taunt him. He sucks with the rocket launcher and always ends up blowing himself up.


God of War 2

• When you reach Typhon's Cavernous Prison, be sure to load up on Mountain Dew. You’re going to need it.
• Suck up your pride and have the neighbors’ kid come over to help you get past the Mighty Titan.
• When the phone rings, don’t answer it. It’s your boss, wondering when you’ll be into the office.
• After you leave the Temple of the Oracle, you will see an animated cut scene that advances the plot. Use this opportunity to take a pee break. Pee quickly—you’ll only have 27 seconds before the cut scene ends.
• By the time you must face off against the Juggernauts near the Throne of the Fates, the phone should be ringing fairly regularly. It’s your friends and loved ones. They are concerned about your well being. Use the Atlas Quake attack combo to defeat the Cyclopes and you will be able to open the gate to the next level.
• Give up trying to beat the Zeus boss level and sell the game on eBay.


NBA 2K7

The key to a good game is to have plenty of trash talk handy to show your friends who’s the boss and who’s the biyatch. Be sure to use these phrases often.
• “Yeah, that’s right! I’m the king! Bow down to the King! Bow down and kiss the ring!”
• “Are you trying to block me? Don’t bother! You can’t stop me! I’m unstoppable!”
• “You can’t seem to make a good lay-up today. Is your controller broken or do you just suck ass?”
• “You’re a dead man now!”
• “Why can't you make a jump shot? Why can't you get any air? Is it asthma?”

If the fates turn against you and your friends start winning, they may try using the following taunt:
• “Are you gonna cry now? Do you want your Mommy?”
Don’t panic. Just use this tried and tested counter-strategy:
• “That’s okay, I had your mommy just last night.”


Wii Sports

• Wave your arms around.
• No, faster.
• Good. Keep doing that.