The Prop 8 Ruling Sounds Oddly Familiar...

The California Supreme Court just plagiarized their ruling on Prop 8 from Shakespeare:

I say, we will have no more marriages:
those that are married already, all but one, shall
live; the rest shall keep as they are.
- Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1

A Simple Program to Make the World a Better Place

10: Search for musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
20: If musical exists that meets stated parameters, go to 40.
30: If musical that meets stated parameters does not exist, write musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
40: Produce musical.
50: Cast Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
60: Bask in the glory of it all.

Resolved: Neil Patrick Harris is a National Treasure

As if Harold & Kumar and How I Met Your Mother weren't proof enough, the man is cool enough to walk a mile in Bruce Campbell's shoes in an Old Spice commercial. And then, NPH goes to eleven by starring is a singing super villain in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

As a public service to new fans who are late to Church of Neil, we present some of his earlier musical efforts that you can add to your playlists. If you can't wait for the Dr. Horrible soundtrack to come out, try these discs on for size. Like Dr. Horrible, both feature Neil singing and, coincidentally, lots of homicidal maniacs.

Assassins (Make sure you get the 2004 version on the PS Classics label. There's an earlier recording that's great, but sadly Neil Patrick Harris free.)

In this musical about the real assassins who killed (or tried to kill) a president, Neil Patrick Harris leads an ensemble cast as the narrator who guides you through some of the darkest chapters of U.S. history... through song. Highlights include the shockingly catchy "Ballad of Czolgosz" and "The Ballad of Booth." It's not the same as watching him step on Captain Hammer, but it's still cathartic as hell hearing Neil stand up for America and bitch-slap Booth (with Stephen Sondheim's finely crafted lyrics, of course.)

Sweeney Todd Live at the New York Philharmonic

Neil Patrick Harris plays Tobias in this story of revenge, murder, cannibalism, and the joys of owning your own small business. He has three big numbers here, including a sweet yet spooky rendition of "Not While I'm Around." Oh, and he may kill somebody before it's all over, too.

An Open Letter to Stephen Sondheim

Dear Mr. Sondheim,

If you would permit us to be so bold, we have a suggestion for how you can take an already treasured song and make it even more emotionally resonant. In your musical Sunday in the Park With George, you illuminate George Seurat's passion for his work by showing his obsession with the details of his painting in the song "Finishing the Hat." What if instead of focusing on the hat, his concentration were instead being consumed by the monkey?

Look how the lyrics take on a new life when you change a single word:

Finishing the monkey
How you have to finish the monkey
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the monkey

Imagine how the audience will rise to their feet when they hear the emotional climax of the song:
Look, I made a monkey
Where there never was a monkey!

Yes, we know you'd have to add an extra beat to the song to accommodate the extra syllable, but don't you think it's worth it?

Please feel free to use these new lyrics. You don't even have to pay us.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Complete List of Movies That Are Being Turned Into Musicals

This season, Broadway will see multiple musicals based on films including Spamalot, Shrek, Billy Eliot, Cry Baby, Hairspray, Legally Blonde, and a trio of Disney cartoons. What movies are destined to be turned into musicals? Click the link to read the complete list of projects currently in development for a Broadway run.

Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year

“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”

Other Menu Items at Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies

Brunch:
Huevos Ranchers

Side Dishes:
French Fries
Italian Fries
Irish Fries
Fries of Mixed Ancestry
Broccoli Rabbi

Beverages:
Iced Teacher
Genius Ale
Stout Logger
Sam Adams

Appetizers:
Cobbler Salad

Desserts:
Bard Pudding
Chocolate Lawyer Cake

Entrees:
Jumbo Pimp
Fish and Chip

Edward Scissorhands vs. Sweeney Todd

Edward Scissorhands hardly spoke at all.
Sweeney Todd won't stop singing!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd sought revenge against the terrorist from Die Hard.
Edward Scissorhands sought revenge against the geek from The Breakfast Club!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' beautiful topiaries make him the talk of the town.
Sweeney Todd's business doesn't have great word of mouth.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd's razors have handles made of chased silver.
Edward Scissorhand's scissors have handles made of... well, made of Edward!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands is so skinny, you want to take him out for a bite to eat.
Sweeney Todd is... well, you might want skip dinner and go straight to the movie.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Edward Scissorhands endears himself to the audience by stabbing a waterbed.
Sweeney Todd endears himself to the audience by stabbing Borat.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' presence adds a dark streak to a sunny suburban setting... much to the delight of his neighbors.
Sweeney Todd's presence adds splashes of color to a dark Victorian setting... much to the horror of the people who's colors are being splashed!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd helps make pies you'd never want to eat.
Edward Scissorhands attends Tupperware parties, for meals so yummy you'd happily eat the leftovers!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd cuts throats.
Edward Scissorhands mostly cuts his own face.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands looks like a young Tim "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" Burton.
Sweeney Todd looks like an old Tim "Planet of the Apes" Burton.
The winner is Helena Bonham Carter!

Sweeney Todd's razors make his arm "complete."
Edward Scissorhands has razors because he's "not finished."
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands dresses from head to toe in tight leather, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with a freaky leather fetish.
Sweeney Todd's hair looks like a giant skunk, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with an even freakier "furry" fetish.
The winner is Todd!

Behind the Scenes at a Real High School Musical

Meet the cast and crew of your local high school production of Grease.

Susan Malone (Sandy Dumbrowski): Has had her iPod set to play "Defying Gravity" from the cast album to Wicked on continuous repeat for two and a half weeks straight.

Mark Sullivan (Danny Zucko): Will have to wear extra pancake makeup in this semester's show to help cover up the acne caused by the pancake makeup in last semester's show.

Jake Hamlin (Kenickie): Still trying to master the subtle intricacies of the jazz square.

Courtney Lipton (Rizzo): Found some good costumes from Fiddler on the Roof in the back of the prop room and is now trying to figure out a way to work a bottle dance into Suessical.

Michael Puzzo (Doody): Is extremely superstitious about saying "MacBeth" because he heard that he was supposed to be.

Clark Birnbaum (Roger): All the jocks like to call him gay… even though he's the only one whose extracurricular activities involve sharing a changing room with girls.

Amy Crawford (Frenchy): Doesn't know that her acting career peeked back in the fifth grade when she appeared in a community theater production of Annie.

Jennifer Wolfe (Marty): Her parents used to think she was slouchy, but now they think she's Fosse-esq.

Brian Moore (Sonny): Not on the basketball team.

Steve Berg (Eugene): Also not on the basketball team.

Charlie Thompson (Johnny Casino): Has been rehearsing the big production number in the gym all week, but still doesn't know what the "hoopy" things are for.

Olivia Hutchins (Jan): Has memorized the entire score to Into the Woods, but has a hard time remembering 20 vocab words for the Spanish quiz on Friday.

Ray Wheeler (Vince Fontaine): Spends way too much time debating who would win in a fight—Audrey 2 or Trekkie Monster?

Vaughn Johnson (Teen Angel): Last week "borrowed" the "Greased Lightning" golf cart and got it up to 9 miles per hour on the open road.

Scott Miller (Chorus): Thinks that "thespian" is the funniest word in the English language.

Marci Lynch (Patty Simcox): Total egomaniac: Always has to be in the spotlight.

Jeremy Feinstein (Light Board Operator): Total enabler: Always needs to be operating the spotlight.

The Straight Guy’s Guide to Musicals

With the success of Chicago, High School Musical, Wicked, and Hairspray, it's time to face the facts: Musicals are making a comeback. If you don't know your Sondheim from your Shaiman, don't feeling left out -- This handy guide will have you up to speed in no time!

Shows to Know

With so many musicals out there, how do you know where to start? Here's a list of some shows you should be familiar with.

West Side Story: You'll like it. Characters like Riff, Bernardo, and Action are uber-cool. It may be hard to believe that members of a street gang can dance...

...but it's much harder to believe that Jews can dance in Fiddler on The Roof!

The Music Man: Okay, this features some barbershop music, which makes it kinda lame. But, to make up for it, it features lots of great patter songs. Patter, basically, means instead of singing notes, you just speak rhythmically. In other words, The Music Man was The Birth of Rap Music! And, since the title character is a con artist, I think it also qualifies as Gangsta Rap!

Guys and Dolls: If you get the chance, see a local high school production of this classic musical. Yes, you could always just rent the movie, but we assure you that your neighbors' kids can sing better than Marlon Brando and act better than Frank Sinatra!

Hair: This revolutionary musical had nudity. It had drugs and rock and roll, too, but the real creative innovation was the nudity.

Damn Yankees: You haven't seen this musical and you call yourself a guy? It's got Satan and baseball. What more could you want? A scantily clad sex kitten? Okay, your wish is granted!

Godspell: Jesus Christ! No, seriously, it's about a singing, tap-dancing Jesus Christ. This musical is The Gospel According to Saint Matthew set to catchy 60s rock melodies. Fun Fact: the original cast featured Maria from Sesame Street playing a whore in clown makeup.

Grease: Before it was a movie, it was a stage show that had the decency to sound like the 50s--no freaking disco music! And no stupid "Sandy! I thought you were in Australia!" line, either!

Sweeney Todd: This musical about cannibalism will have you humming and retching at the same time!

Chess, The Musical: Do you ever ask yourself, "What happened to the guys from ABBA?" The answer is Chess, The Musical. Have you been searching for an 80’s pop song about the red-light districts of Thailand that features an inexplicably long flute solo? Please see Chess, The Musical, Act 2, Scene 1, "One Night in Bangkok." Do you pray to the sweet Lord above to create a patch of common ground between the geeks from the high school chess club and the geeks from the high school theater club so that these two warring factions can finally be united and a new era of peace may begin? The Lord has heard your prayers and behold! He gives you Chess, the Musical.

Phantom of the Opera: You don't need to buy an expensive Broadway ticket to see Phantom. Just check out director Joel Schumacher's movie version of this musical tale of a man who lives in an underground cave, coming out only at night in the shadow of darkness. On second thought, considering what happened the last time he directed a movie about a guy in a costume hiding in a cave, maybe you should skip it.

Cats: Okay, I know we're trying to help you get over your fear of musicals, but this show really is your worst nightmare. Here's an analogy-- Cats is to Great Musicals what Garfield is to Great Movies! Avoid this hairball at all costs!

Les Miz: This is a really long musical, but if you have a test tomorrow in your English class on the really long book and you haven't started reading it yet, listening to the cast album is a going to be a faster way to cram. Just remember that the novel and the musical are a little different, so DON'T write an essay about how your favorite part of the book was the singing prostitutes.

The Producers: This hit Broadway musical about a hit Broadway musical was made into a movie based on the musical based on the movie about a musical based on Hitler.

People to Know

Stephen Sondheim

Nothing before Stephen Sondheim matters. Sondheim is God. He's the King of Rhyme. It's like the man ate a rhyming dictionary and craps out couplets. Looking for some truly old school tracks? Forget Run DMC and pick up Sunday in the Park With George!

Sondheim changed the very nature of musicals for ever! Even the types of characters depicted in shows change:

Musicals Before Steve -- Socialites, Cowboys, and Ingenues
Musicals After Steve -- Serial Murderers, Assassins, and Sex Slaves

Sondheim took lyrics to a whole new level:

Lyrics Before Steve:
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye

Lyrics After Steve:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it

Bob Fosse: Choreographer, Director, Pervert

Fosse pioneered the use of having people dance around in skimpy underwear. He taught chorus girls how to bump and grind. He would have dancers do things with chairs that made all the seats in the audience jealous. His pioneering work on hot shows like Chicago and Cabaret taught Brittney, Madonna, and every boy band out there how to molest furniture for fun and profit.

Bernadette Peters

The beloved Bernadette Peters is a quadruple threat: She can sing, she can act, she can dance, and she can be a special guest host on Regis and Kelly without losing her dignity!

Gallons of Fake Blood!

Most guys like action movies with lots of senseless killing. If it's a high body count you're looking for, look no further than these musicals:
- In West Side Story, 3 characters get custom fitted with chalk outlines. (It's the classic story of Boy meets Girl, Boy gets shot in the back, Girl starts waving gun around in a menacing fashion.)
- Into the Woods may be based on fairy tales, but that doesn't stop the flow of blood! 7 people won't be making it out of the show alive...
- In Les Miserables, they kill off 4 notable characters (which isn't much considering it's about the French Revolution.)
- In Sweeney Todd, a tuneful musical about a serial killer, 9 people bite the dust. (7 throat slittings, one shooting death, and one person burned alive in an oven! Awesome!)
- You've probably never heard of an obscure and funny little show called Something's Afoot, but it still gets the award for "Most Violent Show of All Times!" Why? It kills off the ENTIRE CAST! This is the only musical without a big finale… because there’s nobody left to sing it!