Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Three Things Wrong With Late Night Comedy

While everybody is following the spectacularly terrible job NBC is doing with their late-night line up (stop canceling Jay on the installment plan and leave Conan where he is!), the time is ripe to look at what's wrong with the actual comedy. Here are three things that are consistently troublesome:

1. Jay Leno Steals Jokes

Yep, it's the ultimate sin in comedy and Jay does it all the time. Amazingly, he does it in plain sight. In his recurring "Headlines" segment, Jay reads headlines or the fine print from real newspapers and magazines. This often involves typos or other slip ups that make things sound unintentionally funny. There's nothing wrong with a little found humor, I guess. But not everything in the "Headlines" segment is an accident. Sometimes a headline is funny because an editor at some local paper wanted to write a funny headline. Sometimes those "stupid criminal" stories Jay likes so much only made the paper in the first place because the editors thought they were funny. When Jay reads them on the air, he's using somebody else's material. Just because they wrote it in a deadpan style doesn't mean they weren't trying to be funny. Jay knows that, but he still goes on the air and acts like he's the first person to notice the humor.

Think the writers and editors of all those local papers are getting TV writing credits or compensation from NBC? Yeah, me neither.

2. Everybody Makes Fun of People For Dying

Let's say you're not famous, but you did something that made some sort of cultural impact. Nobody knows your name, but everybody remembers that thing you invented or the company you followed. I've got some bad news for you. When you die, every late-night talk show host is going to make fun of your death. There's a weird, unwritten rule that it's okay to do this if the joke says that you died or will be buried in a manner reminiscent of the thing you would be best known for. This is, for lack of a better phrase, extremely tacky. The subjects of these jokes did not lead public lives, but they are dragged briefly into the spotlight for a cheap joke (a joke that often implies the mutilation of their dead body.) Basically, if somebody merits a small obit in the paper ("The inventor of the Slinky passed away yesterday..."), then they will be mocked on the talk shows. I guarantee that when they inventor of the Slap Chop dies, you'll hear multiple monologue jokes about how his remains are being diced into small pieces and sprinkled over ice-cream.

What makes it worse is that there is an exception to the rule. You will never hear a joke like this about anybody in the entertainment industry. Making a joke about their deceased friends and colleagues would apparently be in poor taste. And predict that when Jay Leno dies, Letterman will make a heartfelt tribute to his former rival. He will most certainly not say "His family says they will miss him, but they are replacing him with an episode of Dateline."

3. The Community Jokes Are Tired (and Often Untrue)

The Community Joke is a joke that's been said so many times that half the country takes the punchline as conventional wisdom. Bush is stupid. Gore is dull. The Harry Potter actors look like they should be in AARP. Angelina Jolie has a million kids. Pavarotti is fat.

These jokes are bad because they're overdone, but more importantly, they're bad because they get accepted as true. And they're not necessarily true. Bush was poorly spoken and uninterested in nuance, but he wasn't stupid. Gore wasn't folksy and he was too interested in nuance, but he can be funny and engaging. People have been joking about the Harry Potter stars since the second film, but when you see them in the last movie, they three actors will be 19, 20, and 21--which is a reasonable age for an actor passing as a high school senior on screen. (The stars of Ferris Bueller's Day Off were around 19, 23, and 29.) Angelina Jolie has six children. That's more than some people, but it's not unusual by any means. She can certainly afford to take care of them and nobody has ever questioned her abilities as a parent... so why do we mock her for doing something that so many people do? Because it's an easy punchline that we can all use. That's the nature of the community joke.

Okay, I grant you, it's true that Pavarotti was a heavyset guy. God rest his soul.

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

How the Recession Affects Sesame Street

After its expenses come under increased government oversight, the number 4 pulls its sponsorship.

Cookie Monster being replaced by his cousin, Ramen Noodle Monster.

Elmo's World downsized to Elmo's Corner.

Bob finally forced into retirement.

Zoe replaced with an orange sock from the Dollar Store.

Grover teaches Abby Cadabby about last and first. Specifically, "Last In, First Out."

Hoopers Store out-sources its operations to workers living on Galli Galli Sim Sim.

Thanks to a 50% off liquidation sale, all Double-U's are now U's.

As more residents move into garbage cans, Oscar complains about gentrification.

Count Von Count indicted on charges of counting some bats twice.

After being laid off, Baby Bear just sits around watching the Telly all day... which makes Telly even more nervous than usual.

In order to pay the bills, Grover forced to take on 8th job.

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Monday, March 16, 2009

New Tag Lines for SyFy (The TV Network Formally Known as SciFi)

SyFy: We're Lame Like That
SyFy: Our Fans Embarrass Us
SyFy: Isn't Our Name Cute?
SyFy: From the Makers of Furby
SyFy: Our Target Viewer is Sarah From The Movie Labyrinth
SyFy: Because SyGoldberg Was Already Taken
SyFy: Sponsored By New Coke

SyFy: It's Like Lifetime With More Temporal Paradoxes
SyFy: Please Don't Think About Syphilis

SyFy: We Didn't Stop To Think That It Looks Like It's Pronounced Siffy (Rhymes With Iffy)

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Thursday, March 12, 2009

A Simple Program to Make the World a Better Place

10: Search for musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
20: If musical exists that meets stated parameters, go to 40.
30: If musical that meets stated parameters does not exist, write musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
40: Produce musical.
50: Cast Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
60: Bask in the glory of it all.

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Good News for Star Trek Actors: David E. Kelley Has a New Series!

If you ever watched any David E. Kelley shows like Boston Legal, The Practice, Boston Public, or Ally McBeal, then you know he's a special kind of Trekkie. While most super fans collect autographed photos, this producer collects actors. He seems to be on a personal mission to give former Star Trek actors regular paychecks. Mr. Kelley, as a public service to help you in this endeavor, we've put together a convenient checklist. Simply check off the actors names when you've given them a guest spot or a regular role on your new show Legally Mad.


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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

In an Early Draft of the Watchmen Script, Alan Moore Explored Other Character Concepts for the Comedian

It's late at night. New York City. 1985.

A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.

Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"

Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.

Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.

The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.

Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."

Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.




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Thursday, July 17, 2008

Resolved: Neil Patrick Harris is a National Treasure

As if Harold & Kumar and How I Met Your Mother weren't proof enough, the man is cool enough to walk a mile in Bruce Campbell's shoes in an Old Spice commercial. And then, NPH goes to eleven by starring is a singing super villain in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

As a public service to new fans who are late to Church of Neil, we present some of his earlier musical efforts that you can add to your playlists. If you can't wait for the Dr. Horrible soundtrack to come out, try these discs on for size. Like Dr. Horrible, both feature Neil singing and, coincidentally, lots of homicidal maniacs.

Assassins (Make sure you get the 2004 version on the PS Classics label. There's an earlier recording that's great, but sadly Neil Patrick Harris free.)

In this musical about the real assassins who killed (or tried to kill) a president, Neil Patrick Harris leads an ensemble cast as the narrator who guides you through some of the darkest chapters of U.S. history... through song. Highlights include the shockingly catchy "Ballad of Czolgosz" and "The Ballad of Booth." It's not the same as watching him step on Captain Hammer, but it's still cathartic as hell hearing Neil stand up for America and bitch-slap Booth (with Stephen Sondheim's finely crafted lyrics, of course.)

Sweeney Todd Live at the New York Philharmonic

Neil Patrick Harris plays Tobias in this story of revenge, murder, cannibalism, and the joys of owning your own small business. He has three big numbers here, including a sweet yet spooky rendition of "Not While I'm Around." Oh, and he may kill somebody before it's all over, too.

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Monday, February 4, 2008

Fun With "Equal Time" Campaign Laws

When politician/actor Fred Dalton Thompson ran for President, campaign laws governing "equal time" forced TV networks to stop airing shows and movies that Thompson acted in because they would have given him free publicity. Somehow, America survived his ill-fated campaign without any reruns of Law & Order or showings of Baby’s Day Out. All of which begs the question… what other actors should make a run for the presidency? After carefully reviewing the acting careers of several top contenders, we have our endorsement:

We'd Like to Urge CSI Miami star David Caruso to Run for President!

If you'd like to see Caruso throw his hat (and sunglasses) into the ring, simply print this form, complete it, clip it out, and mail it to:

David Caruso
c/o CSI: Miami
CBS Productions
1600 Rosecrans Avenue
Bldg 4A, 2nd Flr.
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266



Remember, it's not to late for a third-party bid!

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Friday, February 1, 2008

Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year

“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”

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Monday, October 29, 2007

60 Minutes Uncut

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Strategy for Fighting the War on Christmas

Merry Christmas!

In case you hadn't notice, the holiday season is officially here. In fact, it began at least as early as October 1st this year, when I saw the first Christmas themed ad. (This year's official winner for the first ad of the season goes to the producers of Fred Clause, which appears to be a delightful little romp starring Vince Vaughn as Santa's brother Fred. From the looks of it, it will be full of sassy humor with an leave you with an uplifting holiday message. Spoiler alert: The true meaning of Christmas may have something to do with love and spending time with your family.)

Slowly but surely, Christmas moves earlier every year. It used to be that the decorations went up at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. Then it drifted earlier into November. Then it hit the point where the green garlands and red bows were going up while the pumpkins were still out for Halloween. And now we've made it all the way to October 1st. Christmas is officially a three month celebration.

Which brings us to the War on Christmas. If you listen to Bill O'Reilly talk, Christmas is in grave peril. Some of the festivities surrounding the three month celebration of Christmas -- the uninterrupted stream of songs on the radio, the mall decorations, the Christmas-themed TV commercials, episodes, and specials -- use the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas." For some reason, every time a Top 40 station plays "Winter Wonderland" instead of "White Christmas," he thinks Christmas dies a little bit inside. He wants Christmas to be in your face, 24 hours a day, and with full-on explicit Christmas-on-Christmas action. When you wish a friend "Happy Holidays" in or around the area of December 25th, Bill O'Reilly hears that statement as being a secret code for "I hate Jesus and the people who worship him."

Well, if Bill O'Reilly wants a war, he's got one! It's not just in his sick, feeble, paranoid head anymore--I declare War on Christmas! And I've drawn up battle plans, too. My strategy revolves around the notion of a proportionate response. I maintain that Christmas fired the first shot in this war (and they aimed it straight at my sanity) by starting the oppressive onslaught of holiday cheer some 84 days ahead of the actual observation of the true holiday. Therefore, I'm responding in kind: If somebody thinks they need 84 days to build up to Christmas, I say let's have 84 days to wind down from Christmas.

This strategy works because of the following strange fact--although there's a trend to start forcing the Christmas spirit down every body's throats months ahead of time, once the actual day has come and gone... people get over it pretty quickly. Forget the 12 days of Christmas -- it's usually a distant memory a few days later! By the time people are deciding what New Year's Eve party to go to, it's ancient history. Christmas, as observed, is all build up, followed by a massive anti-climax.

This leaves an opening to highlight the annoying absurdity of starting Christmas in October. Instead of just wishing people a "Merry Christmas" before December 25th, I plan to keep on saying it AFTER Christmas. Way after Christmas. 84 days after Christmas. The phrases "Hello" and "Have a nice day" are going to be removed from my daily conversations and replaced with "Merry Christmas" all the way through March. If you'll join with me, we could have a serious movement on our hands.

It will be annoying. It will go on to long. And it will hopefully show the retailers, advertisers, and the Bill O'Reillys of the world how overbearing the protracted celebration has become. And maybe they'll show more restraint next year. For every day they hold back on starting Christmas, I'll stop celebrating a day earlier too. Then, maybe one day, the holiday season will be brought back down to size again. And when that day of moderation comes, the war will be over, and we can all live in peace.

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Upcoming Episodes of Law and Order: Scooby Doo Unit

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the meddling kids, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

Episode 401: A routine haunting turns out to be part of a conspiracy between a prominent stockbroker, the Russian Mob, and Mr. Gompers, the groundskeeper.

Episode 402: A turf war ensues when Federal prosecutors want McCoy (Sam Waterston) to grant immunity to a defendant in a smuggling case so he will testify in the Federal case against the Abominable Snowman.

Episode 403: A trial turns into a media circus when celebrity guest stars The Harlem Globetrotters are called as witnesses.

Episode 404: The kids catch a jewel thief, but will McCoy be able to be convict him when his defense attorney uses an insanity plea? After interviewing the defendant, Police Psychiatrist Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong) admits that dressing up as The Ghost Knight of Castle Von Brooksworth is “pretty damn loony.”

Episode 405: A judge instructs the jury to disregard Velma’s eyewitness testimony after she admits under cross-examination that she had lost her glasses and “was as blind as a bat.”

Episode 406: In a story ripped from the pages of the gothic novels of Mary Shelley, Scooby and Shaggy capture Frankenstein. District Attorney Arthur Branch (Fred Dalton Thompson) faces political pressure to drop the case when the Governor turns out to be an old friend of Frankenstein.

Episode 407: Scooby and Shaggy capture The Phantom of the Lighthouse by pushing him in a mine-cart and rolling it down a flight of stairs. Will he go free when his lawyer accuses the kids of police brutality?

Episode 408: In order to convict a man who dressed up like a mummy and stole ancient Egyptian treasure, the District Attorney’s office will have to convince a judge that just because Fred set a trap does not mean that he’s guilty of entrapment.

Episode 409: A judge throws out a confession on the grounds that, since the defendant was tied up with rope at the time, it was made under duress.

Episode 410: Fred and Daphne determine that the Zombie King is really Professor Logan in disguise. It’s up to the State Court of Appeals to determine if ripping off his mask constitutes an unlawful search and seizure.

Episode 411: Charges are dropped against a man who pretended to be The Creature from The Lake when, after researching the relevant case law, Assistant District Attorney Connie Rubirosa (Alana De La Garz) learns that it’s not even a crime to scare the tourists away so that you can drill for oil.

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