With Apologies to Shel Silverstein: Sarah Palin's "Where The Bridge to Nowhere Ends"

There's a place where honesty gets lost in the wind
Blown away by politicians' lies.
But there was one clear-voiced maverick
And to the straight-talking truth he would always stick...
And then he threw it all away with his running-mate pick
From where the bridge to nowhere ends.

From convention to election in every speech
To the role of reformer she pretends:
Pork barrel pet projects she claims to have slowed
Says she stood up against earmarks, but that's a big stinking lode.
Bragged she stopped the wasteful spending, but the money still flowed
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

"Thanks, but no thanks," must be some sort of code
For "I'm keeping the money that I'm entitled and owed!"
True, she stopped the bridge--but she's still building the road
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

In Case of Emergency, '08

From the New Issue of Modern Groom Magazine

How NOT to Propose

• DON’T wait for her to ask you.
• DON’T send her an e-mail with the subject heading “Will you marry me?”
• When telling her all of the things you love about her, DON’T mention her “great rack.”
• DON’T do it during a commercial break.
• DO surprise her, but DON’T sneak up behind her.
• DON’T use the phrase “If you know what’s good for you.”
• If you can’t afford to place an ad on a billboard, DON’T take one out in the “Help Wanted” section.

Fashion Report

Not sure what tuxedo to buy for your special day? Well, we’ve got some tips for you.

What’s Hot: The hot color this season is black. You might want to consider black pants and a black jacket. These can be contrasted with a white tuxedo shirt. Accessorize the outfit with a black tie, a black comberbon, and black shoes. Viola! You’re ready to go!

What’s Not: For the 28th consecutive year, powder blue tuxedos are out.

Be sure to buy next month’s Modern Groom Magazine, where we’ll have a special feature on how not to panic when you realize that the cater-waiters are wearing the same thing as you are.

Buying the Ring -- The Four Bs

How can you tell the difference between a good engagement ring and a bad one? If you’ve gone shopping for diamonds with your girlfriend, you are no doubt familiar with the “4 Cs” that diamonds are rated by: Carat, Cut, Color, and Clarity. But the 4 Cs are a load of the 5th C – Crap.

The real way to judge a diamond is by using the 4 Bs. Go into a jewelers alone, make sure there are no women around, and ask them to explain what really makes a great diamond. They’ll tell you that the 4 Bs are:

Bargain: This is a measure of the discount you can get from your friend who dates somebody who’s brother is the dentist of the guy who works at the jewelers.

Blinding: This measures how shiny the ring is. The best rings will cast bright shafts of light around a room like a miniature disco ball.

Boasting: When she’s shows her ring to all of her friends, they’re all going to be sizing it up against their own. You’ll want to make sure that she has the most impressive ring so that she can feel superior.

Bucks: You’ve probably been told that women are more romantic than men. That’s a big load of the fifth B – Bull. Women don’t want a ring that shows how much you love them, they want one that show’s how much you’ll spend on them.


Best Man’s Corner -- How to Toast the Happy Couple

Being the Best Man is a great honor, but it comes with a lot of responsibilities. You’ll be responsible for seating guests, walking the bride’s Grandmother down the isle, and keeping the groom from trying to sneak out of the church. But your job isn’t done when they say “I do.” You’re hardest task is still ahead of you: The toast.

The bad news is that you’ll have to speak in front of a large group of people. The good news is that since the toast will come a few hours into the reception, you’ll be too drunk to care.

If you’re not sure what to say in your toast, here’s a list of some of the key points that all wedding toasts should include:

• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did in high school while he was drunk.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did in college while he was stoned.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did at the bachelor party.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about how the bride and groom really met.
• Passing comment about how you don’t really know the bride, but that she seems nice so far.

Strategy for Fighting the War on Christmas

Merry Christmas!

In case you hadn't notice, the holiday season is officially here. In fact, it began at least as early as October 1st this year, when I saw the first Christmas themed ad. (This year's official winner for the first ad of the season goes to the producers of Fred Clause, which appears to be a delightful little romp starring Vince Vaughn as Santa's brother Fred. From the looks of it, it will be full of sassy humor with an leave you with an uplifting holiday message. Spoiler alert: The true meaning of Christmas may have something to do with love and spending time with your family.)

Slowly but surely, Christmas moves earlier every year. It used to be that the decorations went up at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. Then it drifted earlier into November. Then it hit the point where the green garlands and red bows were going up while the pumpkins were still out for Halloween. And now we've made it all the way to October 1st. Christmas is officially a three month celebration.

Which brings us to the War on Christmas. If you listen to Bill O'Reilly talk, Christmas is in grave peril. Some of the festivities surrounding the three month celebration of Christmas -- the uninterrupted stream of songs on the radio, the mall decorations, the Christmas-themed TV commercials, episodes, and specials -- use the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas." For some reason, every time a Top 40 station plays "Winter Wonderland" instead of "White Christmas," he thinks Christmas dies a little bit inside. He wants Christmas to be in your face, 24 hours a day, and with full-on explicit Christmas-on-Christmas action. When you wish a friend "Happy Holidays" in or around the area of December 25th, Bill O'Reilly hears that statement as being a secret code for "I hate Jesus and the people who worship him."

Well, if Bill O'Reilly wants a war, he's got one! It's not just in his sick, feeble, paranoid head anymore--I declare War on Christmas! And I've drawn up battle plans, too. My strategy revolves around the notion of a proportionate response. I maintain that Christmas fired the first shot in this war (and they aimed it straight at my sanity) by starting the oppressive onslaught of holiday cheer some 84 days ahead of the actual observation of the true holiday. Therefore, I'm responding in kind: If somebody thinks they need 84 days to build up to Christmas, I say let's have 84 days to wind down from Christmas.

This strategy works because of the following strange fact--although there's a trend to start forcing the Christmas spirit down every body's throats months ahead of time, once the actual day has come and gone... people get over it pretty quickly. Forget the 12 days of Christmas -- it's usually a distant memory a few days later! By the time people are deciding what New Year's Eve party to go to, it's ancient history. Christmas, as observed, is all build up, followed by a massive anti-climax.

This leaves an opening to highlight the annoying absurdity of starting Christmas in October. Instead of just wishing people a "Merry Christmas" before December 25th, I plan to keep on saying it AFTER Christmas. Way after Christmas. 84 days after Christmas. The phrases "Hello" and "Have a nice day" are going to be removed from my daily conversations and replaced with "Merry Christmas" all the way through March. If you'll join with me, we could have a serious movement on our hands.

It will be annoying. It will go on to long. And it will hopefully show the retailers, advertisers, and the Bill O'Reillys of the world how overbearing the protracted celebration has become. And maybe they'll show more restraint next year. For every day they hold back on starting Christmas, I'll stop celebrating a day earlier too. Then, maybe one day, the holiday season will be brought back down to size again. And when that day of moderation comes, the war will be over, and we can all live in peace.