A Philosophical and Political Question

Do Teabaggers Dream of Demon Sheep?

The Prop 8 Ruling Sounds Oddly Familiar...

The California Supreme Court just plagiarized their ruling on Prop 8 from Shakespeare:

I say, we will have no more marriages:
those that are married already, all but one, shall
live; the rest shall keep as they are.
- Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1

New Holiday: June 6 is "Fuck You Ann Coulter Day"

To mark the original publication date of her book Godless: The Church of Liberalism, June 6 has been named Fuck You Ann Coulter Day. Ann Coulter has published many books, but Godless has been chosen for this special honor because it contains truly timeless comments on widows who lost their husbands in the attack on the World Trade Center. Highlights of Coulter's text include "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much... How do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy." Commentary like that richly deserves a national holiday like this.

Here are some ways that you can celebrate Fuck You Ann Coulter Day.

• Arrange a bible study group to discuss whether or not it's possible for Ann Coulter to go to Hell if she has no soul.
• Close your eyes and imagine that you're throwing used tampons at Ann Coulter.
• Ponder how God and Ann Coulter can co-exist in the same universe.
• Give people respect and treat them with kindness and know that this increase in decency will cause Ann Coulter to break out in hives.
  
• Gather together with friends to play a festive holiday game. Take turns throwing up. Whoever's stomach bile most closely resembles the writings of Ann Coulter wins an apple pie.

Who Doesn't Love a Good Angry Mob?

Wear it with pride.

Scalia Rules That the Use of "Militia" in the 2nd Amendment Does Not Limit the Right to Bear Arms to Soldiers

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Fresh buttermilk pancakes, being a delicious breakfast food, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"A domesticated dog, being a superlative friend to a man of any station, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"A sailing ship, being a thing that is larger than a bread box, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"The weather in Philadelphia, being hotter than the armpit of one of Benjamin Franklin's whores, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Gout, being a painful and unseemly ailment, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Samuel Adams of Massachusetts, being a known welsher on his gambling debts, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"The number ninety seven, being the sum of the number forty three and fifty four, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Totally irrelevant and unrelated statements, having nothing to do with anything they happen to proceed, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

With Apologies to Shel Silverstein: Sarah Palin's "Where The Bridge to Nowhere Ends"

There's a place where honesty gets lost in the wind
Blown away by politicians' lies.
But there was one clear-voiced maverick
And to the straight-talking truth he would always stick...
And then he threw it all away with his running-mate pick
From where the bridge to nowhere ends.

From convention to election in every speech
To the role of reformer she pretends:
Pork barrel pet projects she claims to have slowed
Says she stood up against earmarks, but that's a big stinking lode.
Bragged she stopped the wasteful spending, but the money still flowed
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

"Thanks, but no thanks," must be some sort of code
For "I'm keeping the money that I'm entitled and owed!"
True, she stopped the bridge--but she's still building the road
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

In Case of Emergency, '08

Celebrating 30 Years of Video Games Killing Children

The Year: 1978

The Game: Space Invaders

What the Politicians Said: Space Invaders will kill your children! This dangerous "game" gives players three "lives." This will clearly make children think they can get another life after they die, thereby causing kids to start killing themselves in droves thinking that they can instantly come back to life! Video games will promote teen suicide! Vote for us and we'll save your children from themselves!

The Year: 1993

The Game: Doom

What the Politicians Said: Okay, we were wrong about Space Invaders, Frogger, and Pac Man making kids jump off of buildings, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that we aren't RIGHT when we tell you that Doom will kill your children dead! This vile excuse for "entertainment" is different from the harmless games that came before it because it shows the violence happening from the point of view of the player. Since gamers are all stupid, we know for a fact that they will be unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Clearly Doom poses a danger that a real gun never could! Playing Doom will make your neighbor’s stupid kid murder your darling angel of a child! Vote for us or your children will surely die!!

The Year: 2001

The Game: Halo

What the Politicians Said: When you were kids, you played nice, safe, harmless games like Space Invaders. The aliens looked like little white boxes. But these new games that kids are playing today have deadly graphics! They are too lifelike -- There's no way for a kid to tell the difference between people in the real world and the alien monsters they kill on their Halo machines! Do we have to draw you a map? Don't you see how this will lead to big heaping piles of dead kids?

The Year: 2007

The Game: Manhunt

What the Politicians Said: While we have to admit that we were wrong again about Halo, we still have to warn you that the Nintendo Wii was the deadliest video game system ever! In games like Manhunt, players enact killings by actually waving their arms around in a vague simulation of real life chainsaw swinging action! This unprecedented level of immersion would -- absolutely, no doubt about it, we swear on a stack of bibles this time -- make those mentally unbalanced gamers finally snap! The experience they gain by wiggling the remote control joystick device will surely teach them everything they need to know about buying a gun, loading the ammunition, turning the safety off, bracing for the kickback, aiming, and firing! We're talking about kids killing kids here, people, so get scared and start voting for us!

The Year: 2008

The Game: Grand Theft Auto IV

What the Politicians Say: Studies now show that the average video game player is not a child at all and that their average age is actually 34. Considering this alarming data -- along with our history of pandering for votes by portraying gamers as evil, psychopathic, nut jobs for more than a quarter of a century now -- we have determined the obvious course of action: To protect our political careers, it is imperative that we raise the voting age to 35!

Fun With "Equal Time" Campaign Laws

When politician/actor Fred Dalton Thompson ran for President, campaign laws governing "equal time" forced TV networks to stop airing shows and movies that Thompson acted in because they would have given him free publicity. Somehow, America survived his ill-fated campaign without any reruns of Law & Order or showings of Baby’s Day Out. All of which begs the question… what other actors should make a run for the presidency? After carefully reviewing the acting careers of several top contenders, we have our endorsement:

We'd Like to Urge CSI Miami star David Caruso to Run for President!

If you'd like to see Caruso throw his hat (and sunglasses) into the ring, simply print this form, complete it, clip it out, and mail it to:

David Caruso
c/o CSI: Miami
CBS Productions
1600 Rosecrans Avenue
Bldg 4A, 2nd Flr.
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266

Remember, it's not to late for a third-party bid!

The Real News From the New Hampshire Primaries

Consider these results and ponder what would happen if each party nominated the candidate with the oddest shaped head.

Dennis J. Kucinich: 3,912 Votes
Fred D. Thompson: 2,884 Votes

Strategy for Fighting the War on Christmas

Merry Christmas!

In case you hadn't notice, the holiday season is officially here. In fact, it began at least as early as October 1st this year, when I saw the first Christmas themed ad. (This year's official winner for the first ad of the season goes to the producers of Fred Clause, which appears to be a delightful little romp starring Vince Vaughn as Santa's brother Fred. From the looks of it, it will be full of sassy humor with an leave you with an uplifting holiday message. Spoiler alert: The true meaning of Christmas may have something to do with love and spending time with your family.)

Slowly but surely, Christmas moves earlier every year. It used to be that the decorations went up at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. Then it drifted earlier into November. Then it hit the point where the green garlands and red bows were going up while the pumpkins were still out for Halloween. And now we've made it all the way to October 1st. Christmas is officially a three month celebration.

Which brings us to the War on Christmas. If you listen to Bill O'Reilly talk, Christmas is in grave peril. Some of the festivities surrounding the three month celebration of Christmas -- the uninterrupted stream of songs on the radio, the mall decorations, the Christmas-themed TV commercials, episodes, and specials -- use the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas." For some reason, every time a Top 40 station plays "Winter Wonderland" instead of "White Christmas," he thinks Christmas dies a little bit inside. He wants Christmas to be in your face, 24 hours a day, and with full-on explicit Christmas-on-Christmas action. When you wish a friend "Happy Holidays" in or around the area of December 25th, Bill O'Reilly hears that statement as being a secret code for "I hate Jesus and the people who worship him."

Well, if Bill O'Reilly wants a war, he's got one! It's not just in his sick, feeble, paranoid head anymore--I declare War on Christmas! And I've drawn up battle plans, too. My strategy revolves around the notion of a proportionate response. I maintain that Christmas fired the first shot in this war (and they aimed it straight at my sanity) by starting the oppressive onslaught of holiday cheer some 84 days ahead of the actual observation of the true holiday. Therefore, I'm responding in kind: If somebody thinks they need 84 days to build up to Christmas, I say let's have 84 days to wind down from Christmas.

This strategy works because of the following strange fact--although there's a trend to start forcing the Christmas spirit down every body's throats months ahead of time, once the actual day has come and gone... people get over it pretty quickly. Forget the 12 days of Christmas -- it's usually a distant memory a few days later! By the time people are deciding what New Year's Eve party to go to, it's ancient history. Christmas, as observed, is all build up, followed by a massive anti-climax.

This leaves an opening to highlight the annoying absurdity of starting Christmas in October. Instead of just wishing people a "Merry Christmas" before December 25th, I plan to keep on saying it AFTER Christmas. Way after Christmas. 84 days after Christmas. The phrases "Hello" and "Have a nice day" are going to be removed from my daily conversations and replaced with "Merry Christmas" all the way through March. If you'll join with me, we could have a serious movement on our hands.

It will be annoying. It will go on to long. And it will hopefully show the retailers, advertisers, and the Bill O'Reillys of the world how overbearing the protracted celebration has become. And maybe they'll show more restraint next year. For every day they hold back on starting Christmas, I'll stop celebrating a day earlier too. Then, maybe one day, the holiday season will be brought back down to size again. And when that day of moderation comes, the war will be over, and we can all live in peace.