Resolved: Neil Patrick Harris is a National Treasure

As if Harold & Kumar and How I Met Your Mother weren't proof enough, the man is cool enough to walk a mile in Bruce Campbell's shoes in an Old Spice commercial. And then, NPH goes to eleven by starring is a singing super villain in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

As a public service to new fans who are late to Church of Neil, we present some of his earlier musical efforts that you can add to your playlists. If you can't wait for the Dr. Horrible soundtrack to come out, try these discs on for size. Like Dr. Horrible, both feature Neil singing and, coincidentally, lots of homicidal maniacs.

Assassins (Make sure you get the 2004 version on the PS Classics label. There's an earlier recording that's great, but sadly Neil Patrick Harris free.)

In this musical about the real assassins who killed (or tried to kill) a president, Neil Patrick Harris leads an ensemble cast as the narrator who guides you through some of the darkest chapters of U.S. history... through song. Highlights include the shockingly catchy "Ballad of Czolgosz" and "The Ballad of Booth." It's not the same as watching him step on Captain Hammer, but it's still cathartic as hell hearing Neil stand up for America and bitch-slap Booth (with Stephen Sondheim's finely crafted lyrics, of course.)

Sweeney Todd Live at the New York Philharmonic

Neil Patrick Harris plays Tobias in this story of revenge, murder, cannibalism, and the joys of owning your own small business. He has three big numbers here, including a sweet yet spooky rendition of "Not While I'm Around." Oh, and he may kill somebody before it's all over, too.

In Response to the AFI, We Present the 100 Worst Films

100. A Night at the Roxbury
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.

99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.

98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…

97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.

96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.

95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.

94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.

93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love films about Irish folk legends.

92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.

91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”

90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.

89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?

88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!

87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!

86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!

85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994

84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.

83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”

82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”

81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.

80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.

79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!

78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.

77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.

76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.

75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.

74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.

73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.

72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.

71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!

70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.

69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.

68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.

67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!

66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.

65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.

64. Flipper
Squeak!

63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!

60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!

59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?

58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.

57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!

56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.

55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.

54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.

53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.

52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.

51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.

50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.

49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.

48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.

47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”

46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.

45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.

44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)

43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky

42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.

41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!

40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”

39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.

38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!

37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.

36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.

35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.

34. Anaconda
There's no way would an anaconda ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.

33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.

32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.

31. Glitter
No comment.

30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”

29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.

28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!

27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.

26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…

25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.

24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”

23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.

22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.

21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!

20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?

19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.

18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.

17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.

16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.

15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.

14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.

13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.

12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!

11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.

10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.

9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”

8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.

7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.

6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!

5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!

4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.

3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!

2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!

1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.

An Open Letter to Stephen Sondheim

Dear Mr. Sondheim,

If you would permit me to be so bold, I have a suggestion for how you can take an already treasured song and make it even more emotionally resonant. In your musical Sunday in the Park With George, you illuminate George Seurat's passion for his work by showing his obsession with the details of his painting in the song "Finishing the Hat." What if instead of focusing on the hat, his concentration were instead being consumed by the monkey?

Look how the lyrics take on a new life when you change a single word:

Finishing the monkey
How you have to finish the monkey
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the monkey

Imagine how the audience will rise to their feet when you reach the emotional climax of the song:
Look, I made a monkey
Where there never was a monkey!

Yes, I know you'd have to add an extra beat to the song to accommodate the extra syllable, but don't you think it's worth it?

Please feel free to use these new lyrics. You don't even have to pay us.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Complete List of Movies That Are Being Turned Into Musicals

This season, Broadway will see multiple musicals based on films including Spamalot, Shrek, Billy Eliot, Cry Baby, Hairspray, Legally Blonde, and a trio of Disney cartoons. What movies are destined to be turned into musicals? Click the link to read the complete list of projects currently in development for a Broadway run.

Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year

“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”

Other Menu Items at Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies

Brunch:
Huevos Ranchers

Side Dishes:
French Fries
Italian Fries
Irish Fries
Fries of Mixed Ancestry
Broccoli Rabbi

Beverages:
Iced Teacher
Genius Ale
Stout Logger
Sam Adams

Appetizers:
Cobbler Salad

Desserts:
Bard Pudding
Chocolate Lawyer Cake

Entrees:
Jumbo Pimp
Fish and Chip

Edward Scissorhands vs. Sweeney Todd

Edward Scissorhands hardly spoke at all.
Sweeney Todd won't stop singing!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd sought revenge against the terrorist from Die Hard.
Edward Scissorhands sought revenge against the geek from The Breakfast Club!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' beautiful topiaries make him the talk of the town.
Sweeney Todd's business doesn't have great word of mouth.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd's razors have handles made of chased silver.
Edward Scissorhand's scissors have handles made of... well, made of Edward!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands is so skinny, you want to take him out for a bite to eat.
Sweeney Todd is... well, you might want skip dinner and go straight to the movie.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Edward Scissorhands endears himself to the audience by stabbing a waterbed.
Sweeney Todd endears himself to the audience by stabbing Borat.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' presence adds a dark streak to a sunny suburban setting... much to the delight of his neighbors.
Sweeney Todd's presence adds splashes of color to a dark Victorian setting... much to the horror of the people who's colors are being splashed!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd helps make pies you'd never want to eat.
Edward Scissorhands attends Tupperware parties, for meals so yummy you'd happily eat the leftovers!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd cuts throats.
Edward Scissorhands mostly cuts his own face.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands looks like a young Tim "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" Burton.
Sweeney Todd looks like an old Tim "Planet of the Apes" Burton.
The winner is Helena Bonham Carter!

Sweeney Todd's razors make his arm "complete."
Edward Scissorhands has razors because he's "not finished."
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands dresses from head to toe in tight leather, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with a freaky leather fetish.
Sweeney Todd's hair looks like a giant skunk, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with an even freakier "furry" fetish.
The winner is Todd!

Behind the Scenes at a Real High School Musical

Meet the cast and crew of your local high school production of Grease.

Susan Malone (Sandy Dumbrowski): Has had her iPod set to play "Defying Gravity" from the cast album to Wicked on continuous repeat for two and a half weeks straight.

Mark Sullivan (Danny Zucko): Will have to wear extra pancake makeup in this semester's show to help cover up the acne caused by the pancake makeup in last semester's show.

Jake Hamlin (Kenickie): Still trying to master the subtle intricacies of the jazz square.

Courtney Lipton (Rizzo): Found some good costumes from Fiddler on the Roof in the back of the prop room and is now trying to figure out a way to work a bottle dance into Suessical.

Michael Puzzo (Doody): Is extremely superstitious about saying "MacBeth" because he heard that he was supposed to be.

Clark Birnbaum (Roger): All the jocks like to call him gay… even though he's the only one whose extracurricular activities involve sharing a changing room with girls.

Amy Crawford (Frenchy): Doesn't know that her acting career peeked back in the fifth grade when she appeared in a community theater production of Annie.

Jennifer Wolfe (Marty): Her parents used to think she was slouchy, but now they think she's Fosse-esq.

Brian Moore (Sonny): Not on the basketball team.

Steve Berg (Eugene): Also not on the basketball team.

Charlie Thompson (Johnny Casino): Has been rehearsing the big production number in the gym all week, but still doesn't know what the "hoopy" things are for.

Olivia Hutchins (Jan): Has memorized the entire score to Into the Woods, but has a hard time remembering 20 vocab words for the Spanish quiz on Friday.

Ray Wheeler (Vince Fontaine): Spends way too much time debating who would win in a fight—Audrey 2 or Trekkie Monster?

Vaughn Johnson (Teen Angel): Last week "borrowed" the "Greased Lightning" golf cart and got it up to 9 miles per hour on the open road.

Scott Miller (Chorus): Thinks that "thespian" is the funniest word in the English language.

Marci Lynch (Patty Simcox): Total egomaniac: Always has to be in the spotlight.

Jeremy Feinstein (Light Board Operator): Total enabler: Always needs to be operating the spotlight.

The Straight Guy’s Guide to Musicals

With the success of Chicago, High School Musical, Wicked, and Hairspray, it's time to face the facts: Musicals are making a comeback. If you don't know your Sondheim from your Shaiman, don't feeling left out -- This handy guide will have you up to speed in no time!

Shows to Know

With so many musicals out there, how do you know where to start? Here's a list of some shows you should be familiar with.

West Side Story: You'll like it. Characters like Riff, Bernardo, and Action are uber-cool. It may be hard to believe that members of a street gang can dance...

...but it's much harder to believe that Jews can dance in Fiddler on The Roof!

The Music Man: Okay, this features some barbershop music, which makes it kinda lame. But, to make up for it, it features lots of great patter songs. Patter, basically, means instead of singing notes, you just speak rhythmically. In other words, The Music Man was The Birth of Rap Music! And, since the title character is a con artist, I think it also qualifies as Gangsta Rap!

Guys and Dolls: If you get the chance, see a local high school production of this classic musical. Yes, you could always just rent the movie, but we assure you that your neighbors' kids can sing better than Marlon Brando and act better than Frank Sinatra!

Hair: This revolutionary musical had nudity. It had drugs and rock and roll, too, but the real creative innovation was the nudity.

Damn Yankees: You haven't seen this musical and you call yourself a guy? It's got Satan and baseball. What more could you want? A scantily clad sex kitten? Okay, your wish is granted!

Godspell: Jesus Christ! No, seriously, it's about a singing, tap-dancing Jesus Christ. This musical is The Gospel According to Saint Matthew set to catchy 60s rock melodies. Fun Fact: the original cast featured Maria from Sesame Street playing a whore in clown makeup.

Grease: Before it was a movie, it was a stage show that had the decency to sound like the 50s--no freaking disco music! And no stupid "Sandy! I thought you were in Australia!" line, either!

Sweeney Todd: This musical about cannibalism will have you humming and retching at the same time!

Chess, The Musical: Do you ever ask yourself, "What happened to the guys from ABBA?" The answer is Chess, The Musical. Have you been searching for an 80’s pop song about the red-light districts of Thailand that features an inexplicably long flute solo? Please see Chess, The Musical, Act 2, Scene 1, "One Night in Bangkok." Do you pray to the sweet Lord above to create a patch of common ground between the geeks from the high school chess club and the geeks from the high school theater club so that these two warring factions can finally be united and a new era of peace may begin? The Lord has heard your prayers and behold! He gives you Chess, the Musical.

Phantom of the Opera: You don't need to buy an expensive Broadway ticket to see Phantom. Just check out director Joel Schumacher's movie version of this musical tale of a man who lives in an underground cave, coming out only at night in the shadow of darkness. On second thought, considering what happened the last time he directed a movie about a guy in a costume hiding in a cave, maybe you should skip it.

Cats: Okay, I know we're trying to help you get over your fear of musicals, but this show really is your worst nightmare. Here's an analogy-- Cats is to Great Musicals what Garfield is to Great Movies! Avoid this hairball at all costs!

Les Miz: This is a really long musical, but if you have a test tomorrow in your English class on the really long book and you haven't started reading it yet, listening to the cast album is a going to be a faster way to cram. Just remember that the novel and the musical are a little different, so DON'T write an essay about how your favorite part of the book was the singing prostitutes.

The Producers: This hit Broadway musical about a hit Broadway musical was made into a movie based on the musical based on the movie about a musical based on Hitler.

People to Know

Stephen Sondheim

Nothing before Stephen Sondheim matters. Sondheim is God. He's the King of Rhyme. It's like the man ate a rhyming dictionary and craps out couplets. Looking for some truly old school tracks? Forget Run DMC and pick up Sunday in the Park With George!

Sondheim changed the very nature of musicals for ever! Even the types of characters depicted in shows change:

Musicals Before Steve -- Socialites, Cowboys, and Ingenues
Musicals After Steve -- Serial Murderers, Assassins, and Sex Slaves

Sondheim took lyrics to a whole new level:

Lyrics Before Steve:
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye

Lyrics After Steve:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it

Bob Fosse: Choreographer, Director, Pervert

Fosse pioneered the use of having people dance around in skimpy underwear. He taught chorus girls how to bump and grind. He would have dancers do things with chairs that made all the seats in the audience jealous. His pioneering work on hot shows like Chicago and Cabaret taught Brittney, Madonna, and every boy band out there how to molest furniture for fun and profit.

Bernadette Peters

The beloved Bernadette Peters is a quadruple threat: She can sing, she can act, she can dance, and she can be a special guest host on Regis and Kelly without losing her dignity!

Gallons of Fake Blood!

Most guys like action movies with lots of senseless killing. If it's a high body count you're looking for, look no further than these musicals:
- In West Side Story, 3 characters get custom fitted with chalk outlines. (It's the classic story of Boy meets Girl, Boy gets shot in the back, Girl starts waving gun around in a menacing fashion.)
- Into the Woods may be based on fairy tales, but that doesn't stop the flow of blood! 7 people won't be making it out of the show alive...
- In Les Miserables, they kill off 4 notable characters (which isn't much considering it's about the French Revolution.)
- In Sweeney Todd, a tuneful musical about a serial killer, 9 people bite the dust. (7 throat slittings, one shooting death, and one person burned alive in an oven! Awesome!)
- You've probably never heard of an obscure and funny little show called Something's Afoot, but it still gets the award for "Most Violent Show of All Times!" Why? It kills off the ENTIRE CAST! This is the only musical without a big finale… because there’s nobody left to sing it!