Resolved: Neil Patrick Harris is a National Treasure

As if Harold & Kumar and How I Met Your Mother weren't proof enough, the man is cool enough to walk a mile in Bruce Campbell's shoes in an Old Spice commercial. And then, NPH goes to eleven by starring is a singing super villain in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

As a public service to new fans who are late to Church of Neil, we present some of his earlier musical efforts that you can add to your playlists. If you can't wait for the Dr. Horrible soundtrack to come out, try these discs on for size. Like Dr. Horrible, both feature Neil singing and, coincidentally, lots of homicidal maniacs.

Assassins (Make sure you get the 2004 version on the PS Classics label. There's an earlier recording that's great, but sadly Neil Patrick Harris free.)

In this musical about the real assassins who killed (or tried to kill) a president, Neil Patrick Harris leads an ensemble cast as the narrator who guides you through some of the darkest chapters of U.S. history... through song. Highlights include the shockingly catchy "Ballad of Czolgosz" and "The Ballad of Booth." It's not the same as watching him step on Captain Hammer, but it's still cathartic as hell hearing Neil stand up for America and bitch-slap Booth (with Stephen Sondheim's finely crafted lyrics, of course.)

Sweeney Todd Live at the New York Philharmonic

Neil Patrick Harris plays Tobias in this story of revenge, murder, cannibalism, and the joys of owning your own small business. He has three big numbers here, including a sweet yet spooky rendition of "Not While I'm Around." Oh, and he may kill somebody before it's all over, too.

The 6 Best Songs About Super Heroes

6. "Iron Man"
by Black Sabbath



This song featured a crude, unsubtle, and stupid guitar line... and I mean that in a good way. It's a metal song for people who don't normally like metal. Prior to the huge swell of hype for the movie, the comic book character wasn't very well known by most Americans -- he never had the fame Superman or Spider-Man achieved -- so this song really boosted his public image. Iron Man owes it all to Ozzy.


5. "Silent E"
by Tom Lehrer



"Silent E? Who's Silent E?" I hear you ask. Well, if you don't recognize this hero's name right away, it's probably because he didn't have a movie or a comic book. In fact, he doesn't exist outside of the context of this song. The Silent E song was created for the educational television show The Electric Company. If you weren't alive in the 70s, it came on right after Mr. Rogers and it stared Morgan Freeman as a character who loved to read. (This experience served Mr. Freeman well, as he now frequently plays characters who love to narrate.) Anyway, Silent E had the very special power of being able to turn a can into a cane. If that's not reason enough to love it, consider this: the song was written and performed by Tom Lehrer!

"Who's Tom Lehrer?" I hear you ask. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I reply.


4. "Superman Song"
by the Crash Test Dummies



It's a little maudlin, but it's mostly surprisingly touching. It's everything that the damn Five for Fighting song isn't. It's got those arresting basement deep vocals and it has strong lyrics,although they do pick on Tarzan a bit too much. Tarzan want to know -- what Tarzan ever do to earn contempt of Crash Test Dummies?

Runner up: I Am Superman by R.E.M


3. "Jimmy Olsen's Blues"
by the Spin Doctors



First off, it's a great jealousy song. It's not quite as good as "Is She Really Going Out With Him" but it's easily on par with "Jessie's Girl." Second, it's nice to a different spin on Superman. From Jimmy Olson's point of view... the Man of Steel is a major game killer. How's a regular guy like Jimmy supposed to get any love with competition like that?


2. "Spider-Man"
by The Ramones



The list is based on original pop songs, not cover versions of existing theme songs. But this is the Ramones, so to hell with rules! Rules are for bands with less punk cred, bub!


1. "The Ballad of Barry Allen"
by Jim's Big Ego



If you didn't already know, Barry Allen is better known as The Flash. (The BEST version of the Flash, by the way. The one who originally died in the 80s and who just came back from the dead... presumably to catch the premiere of Iron Man movie.) Anyway, this song has a different take on hero. For this guy, running super fast and saving the girl is easy, but moving slowly enough to sit through a seemingly endless conversation with the girl is a draining workout.

Sample lyric:

And you say the time goes rushing by
But it seems so slow to me
And I want to be there when you laugh or cry
But it takes too long
It seems so slow to me

This song packs an emotional punch that can knock out even Captain Cold.

An Open Letter to Stephen Sondheim

Dear Mr. Sondheim,

If you would permit me to be so bold, I have a suggestion for how you can take an already treasured song and make it even more emotionally resonant. In your musical Sunday in the Park With George, you illuminate George Seurat's passion for his work by showing his obsession with the details of his painting in the song "Finishing the Hat." What if instead of focusing on the hat, his concentration were instead being consumed by the monkey?

Look how the lyrics take on a new life when you change a single word:

Finishing the monkey
How you have to finish the monkey
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the monkey

Imagine how the audience will rise to their feet when you reach the emotional climax of the song:
Look, I made a monkey
Where there never was a monkey!

Yes, I know you'd have to add an extra beat to the song to accommodate the extra syllable, but don't you think it's worth it?

Please feel free to use these new lyrics. You don't even have to pay us.

Sincerely,

The Editors

The A Cappella Epidemic

The Background Scoop

Back in the day, colleges used to have something called "Glee Clubs." Basically, a bunch of preppy college boys would get together and sing reverential versions of "Coney Island Baby," "Lida Rose," and other songs you've never heard of. They were extremely irritating, but the problem was mostly confined to elitist schools that you couldn't get into without buying a new library.

Unfortunately, over the past few years, a cappella groups exploded in popularity. Nowadays, vocal groups are a major activity on college campuses. It's not just about singing--it's a major social event. Think of it as being like a frat but with less beer and more medleys of Abba songs. Whereas glee clubs used to sing without any instrumental accompaniment because they didn't happen to have any pianos handy, modern a cappella groups think that music sounds better without instruments!

These groups are not innocent clubs--they're cults! If you don't believe that, look at the matching outfits! Why would a college kid want to dress like that if they hadn't been brainwashed?

You can't walk five feet on a college campus without being serenaded with a perky version of "Karma Chameleon" or some other 80s tune you never wanted to hear again. Worse still, a cappella groups are starting to pop up in high schools, too! We can no longer ignore the fact that this is no mere extra-curricular activity, it's a pandemic.

The Warning Signs

How can you tell if somebody you know is a victim of the a cappella epidemic? Here are some of the tell-tale signs to watch out for.

• When listening to their car radio, instead of singing along with the lead singer, do they sing along with the drummer?
• Do they know all the words to the school alma mater?
• Instead of humming to themselves, do they walk around singing syllables like "Kajang" "Aha Djing," "Gigibow," and other gibberish that sounds like sound effects from a Don Martin cartoon?
• Instead of downloading MP3s from Kaaza like a normal student, did you catch them hanging out on eBay trying to buy more VHS tapes of old Carmen Sandiego episodes?
• Instead of discovering an illicit hash-pipe hidden at the bottom of the sock drawer, do you instead find that they've hidden a pitch-pipe?
• Does it drive them nuts when you confuse "a cappella" with "barbershop?"

How to Deprogram Them

If somebody you know shows the warning signs, an intervention just won't cut it--you're going to need to set up a full blown deprogramming session.

Corner them in their dorm room, duck tape them to their desk chair, shine a lamp in their face, and start telling them the hard truths they don't want to hear. The following phrases and themes have been shown to be highly effective, so don't be afraid to use them often:

• The dining hall is NOT a suitable performance venue! You are NOT making the eggplant parmagian taste any better! Students did NOT expect your all-vocal version of "Broken Wings" to be included in the meal plan!
• Don't you care about animal rights? How is the lion supposed to sleep tonight if you keep singing that damn song!?!
• If Sarah McLachlan ever heard what you were doing to her songs, she'd kick the living crap out of you!
• Don't be afraid. The guitar is your friend. It won't hurt you.
• For the last time, Limp Biscuit songs do not sound better in four-part harmony!
• "Vocal Percussion" will not help you meet women! It will only help you spit on them!

Move Over "Guitar Hero"

Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year

“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”

The Museum of Marginal Doodles

Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime

Concept Albums for Your iPod, Part 2

Album Name: Add it Up

The Track List

1. Working for the Weekend - Loverboy

2. Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money) - Pet Shop Boys

3. The Math - Hillary Duff

4. Add it Up - Violent Femmes

5. Murder by Numbers- The Police

6. Lawyers, Guns, and Money - Warren Zevon

7. Criminal - Fiona Apple

8. Tell the Truth - Ray Charles

9. You're Not the Boss of Me Now - They Might Be Giants

The Plot (As explained by the Music Editor of Your College Newspaper)

Add it Up is arguably the best concept album since The Who's greatly under-appreciated Quadrophenia. The story concerns a Young Accountant who works for The Large Corporation. The Young Accountant is merely a low level worker (Working for the Weekend) but he dreams of climbing his way up the corporate ladder (Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money.)) The Young Accountant develops a romantic relationship with The Coworker (The Math.) While going through the books, they discover that The Large Corporation has been falsely reporting its earnings to illegally manipulate the stock price (Add it Up.) They confront The Boss, but he tells them that -- as a member of the privileged upper class -- he can do whatever he wants and that laws are for poor people. He insinuates that there will be dire consequences for the Young Accountant if he goes public (Murder by Numbers.) Although he wants to do the ethical thing, the Young Accountant realizes that he'd be taking a great risk if he blows the whistle on the Large Corporation. He searches for a way out of the dilemma (Lawyers, Guns, and Money) but ultimately concludes that if he doesn't come forward he is complicit in the fraud (Criminal.) He decides to go to the SEC (Tell the Truth.) He is fired from his job, but he is free to speak his mind when The Boss is taken away in handcuffs and indicted (You're Not the Boss of Me Now.)

Concept Albums for Your iPod, Part 1

Album Name: I Wanna Be Sedated

The Track List:
1. Sugar Sugar - The Archies
2. So Much Pain - Ja Rule
3. People - Barbra Streisand
4. Time - Lionel Richie
5. Vogue - Madonna
6. The Big Chair - Tears for Fears
7. I Wanna be Sedated - The Ramones
8. Novocaine for the Soul - The Eels
9. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
10. I'm Henry the 8th - Herman's Hermits
11. Wake Up - Alicia Keys
12. De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police
13. I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow

The Plot (As explained by a Really Deep Guy at a keg party):

See, there's this guy--just a regular guy--and like all men he has weaknesses. This guy's particular tragic flaw is that he has a sweat tooth (Sugar Sugar.) It's his thing. It brings him happiness. The trouble is, while he's burning his life away trying to get a sugar high, he develops a cavity, and the pain is totally killing him (So Much Pain.) So the guy goes to the dentist, but before he can be cured, he has to spend time in a waiting room reading boring magazine (People, Time, and Vogue.) It's like the waiting room is purgatory. Finally, he's called into the dentist's office and sits down in the chair (The Big Chair.) The drilling is going to be painful and this scares the man (I Wanna Be Sedated) so the doctor gives him a local anesthetic (Novocaine for the Soul.) At first, this helps the man ignore the pain (Comfortably Numb) but there are consequences to tuning out the pain--the novocaine causes the man to hallucinate (I'm Henry the 8th.) When the dentist is done filling the cavity, he has to wake the man up. Between the drilling and the novocaine and the new filling, the man can't speak clearly (Do Do Do Do, Da Da Da Da.) Once he has recovered and is able to eat again, the first thing he wants is more sugar (I Want Candy.) He's doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over again. It's all so beautifully tragic.