A Philosophical and Political Question
posted by The Editors at
10:02 PM
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Friday, February 5, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Three Things Wrong With Late Night Comedy
While everybody is following the spectacularly terrible job NBC is doing with their late-night line up (stop canceling Jay on the installment plan and leave Conan where he is!), the time is ripe to look at what's wrong with the actual comedy. Here are three things that are consistently troublesome:
1. Jay Leno Steals Jokes
Yep, it's the ultimate sin in comedy and Jay does it all the time. Amazingly, he does it in plain sight. In his recurring "Headlines" segment, Jay reads headlines or the fine print from real newspapers and magazines. This often involves typos or other slip ups that make things sound unintentionally funny. There's nothing wrong with a little found humor, I guess. But not everything in the "Headlines" segment is an accident. Sometimes a headline is funny because an editor at some local paper wanted to write a funny headline. Sometimes those "stupid criminal" stories Jay likes so much only made the paper in the first place because the editors thought they were funny. When Jay reads them on the air, he's using somebody else's material. Just because they wrote it in a deadpan style doesn't mean they weren't trying to be funny. Jay knows that, but he still goes on the air and acts like he's the first person to notice the humor.
Think the writers and editors of all those local papers are getting TV writing credits or compensation from NBC? Yeah, me neither.
2. Everybody Makes Fun of People For Dying
Let's say you're not famous, but you did something that made some sort of cultural impact. Nobody knows your name, but everybody remembers that thing you invented or the company you followed. I've got some bad news for you. When you die, every late-night talk show host is going to make fun of your death. There's a weird, unwritten rule that it's okay to do this if the joke says that you died or will be buried in a manner reminiscent of the thing you would be best known for. This is, for lack of a better phrase, extremely tacky. The subjects of these jokes did not lead public lives, but they are dragged briefly into the spotlight for a cheap joke (a joke that often implies the mutilation of their dead body.) Basically, if somebody merits a small obit in the paper ("The inventor of the Slinky passed away yesterday..."), then they will be mocked on the talk shows. I guarantee that when they inventor of the Slap Chop dies, you'll hear multiple monologue jokes about how his remains are being diced into small pieces and sprinkled over ice-cream.
What makes it worse is that there is an exception to the rule. You will never hear a joke like this about anybody in the entertainment industry. Making a joke about their deceased friends and colleagues would apparently be in poor taste. And predict that when Jay Leno dies, Letterman will make a heartfelt tribute to his former rival. He will most certainly not say "His family says they will miss him, but they are replacing him with an episode of Dateline."
3. The Community Jokes Are Tired (and Often Untrue)
The Community Joke is a joke that's been said so many times that half the country takes the punchline as conventional wisdom. Bush is stupid. Gore is dull. The Harry Potter actors look like they should be in AARP. Angelina Jolie has a million kids. Pavarotti is fat.
These jokes are bad because they're overdone, but more importantly, they're bad because they get accepted as true. And they're not necessarily true. Bush was poorly spoken and uninterested in nuance, but he wasn't stupid. Gore wasn't folksy and he was too interested in nuance, but he can be funny and engaging. People have been joking about the Harry Potter stars since the second film, but when you see them in the last movie, they three actors will be 19, 20, and 21--which is a reasonable age for an actor passing as a high school senior on screen. (The stars of Ferris Bueller's Day Off were around 19, 23, and 29.) Angelina Jolie has six children. That's more than some people, but it's not unusual by any means. She can certainly afford to take care of them and nobody has ever questioned her abilities as a parent... so why do we mock her for doing something that so many people do? Because it's an easy punchline that we can all use. That's the nature of the community joke.
Okay, I grant you, it's true that Pavarotti was a heavyset guy. God rest his soul.
1. Jay Leno Steals Jokes
Yep, it's the ultimate sin in comedy and Jay does it all the time. Amazingly, he does it in plain sight. In his recurring "Headlines" segment, Jay reads headlines or the fine print from real newspapers and magazines. This often involves typos or other slip ups that make things sound unintentionally funny. There's nothing wrong with a little found humor, I guess. But not everything in the "Headlines" segment is an accident. Sometimes a headline is funny because an editor at some local paper wanted to write a funny headline. Sometimes those "stupid criminal" stories Jay likes so much only made the paper in the first place because the editors thought they were funny. When Jay reads them on the air, he's using somebody else's material. Just because they wrote it in a deadpan style doesn't mean they weren't trying to be funny. Jay knows that, but he still goes on the air and acts like he's the first person to notice the humor.
Think the writers and editors of all those local papers are getting TV writing credits or compensation from NBC? Yeah, me neither.
2. Everybody Makes Fun of People For Dying
Let's say you're not famous, but you did something that made some sort of cultural impact. Nobody knows your name, but everybody remembers that thing you invented or the company you followed. I've got some bad news for you. When you die, every late-night talk show host is going to make fun of your death. There's a weird, unwritten rule that it's okay to do this if the joke says that you died or will be buried in a manner reminiscent of the thing you would be best known for. This is, for lack of a better phrase, extremely tacky. The subjects of these jokes did not lead public lives, but they are dragged briefly into the spotlight for a cheap joke (a joke that often implies the mutilation of their dead body.) Basically, if somebody merits a small obit in the paper ("The inventor of the Slinky passed away yesterday..."), then they will be mocked on the talk shows. I guarantee that when they inventor of the Slap Chop dies, you'll hear multiple monologue jokes about how his remains are being diced into small pieces and sprinkled over ice-cream.
What makes it worse is that there is an exception to the rule. You will never hear a joke like this about anybody in the entertainment industry. Making a joke about their deceased friends and colleagues would apparently be in poor taste. And predict that when Jay Leno dies, Letterman will make a heartfelt tribute to his former rival. He will most certainly not say "His family says they will miss him, but they are replacing him with an episode of Dateline."
3. The Community Jokes Are Tired (and Often Untrue)
The Community Joke is a joke that's been said so many times that half the country takes the punchline as conventional wisdom. Bush is stupid. Gore is dull. The Harry Potter actors look like they should be in AARP. Angelina Jolie has a million kids. Pavarotti is fat.
These jokes are bad because they're overdone, but more importantly, they're bad because they get accepted as true. And they're not necessarily true. Bush was poorly spoken and uninterested in nuance, but he wasn't stupid. Gore wasn't folksy and he was too interested in nuance, but he can be funny and engaging. People have been joking about the Harry Potter stars since the second film, but when you see them in the last movie, they three actors will be 19, 20, and 21--which is a reasonable age for an actor passing as a high school senior on screen. (The stars of Ferris Bueller's Day Off were around 19, 23, and 29.) Angelina Jolie has six children. That's more than some people, but it's not unusual by any means. She can certainly afford to take care of them and nobody has ever questioned her abilities as a parent... so why do we mock her for doing something that so many people do? Because it's an easy punchline that we can all use. That's the nature of the community joke.
Okay, I grant you, it's true that Pavarotti was a heavyset guy. God rest his soul.
posted by The Editors at
1:09 PM
0 Comments
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Monday, June 1, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, November 17, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Merry (Belated) Christmas!
Based on in sitings of Christmas tree displays at Borders Books, posters for Vince Vaughn's annual Christmas movie on the street, and Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" at the corner deli, Christmas officially started on October 27th this year. That gives us a glorious 59 days to celebrate the Christmas before the day I thought Christmas started on. Adjust your calendars accordingly to reflect the new start dates for holidays:
Christmas: October 27th
New Year's: November 3rd
Valentine's Day: December 17th
Memorial Day: March 27th
The 4th of July: May 6th
Halloween: September 2nd
Thanksgiving: September 28th
Christmas: October 27th
New Year's: November 3rd
Valentine's Day: December 17th
Memorial Day: March 27th
The 4th of July: May 6th
Halloween: September 2nd
Thanksgiving: September 28th
posted by The Editors at
6:38 AM
1 Comments
Friday, November 7, 2008
You Cannot Escape From Madagascar to Africa
Coming soon from the producers of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa:
- Chicago 2: Escape to America
- Manhattan 2: Escape to New York
- Escape From New York 2: Escape to the Eastern Standard Time Zone
Labels: Movies
posted by The Editors at
8:59 AM
1 Comments
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
In an Early Draft of the Watchmen Script, Alan Moore Explored Other Character Concepts for the Comedian
It's late at night. New York City. 1985.
A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.
Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"
Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.
Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.
The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.
Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."
Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.
A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.
Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"
Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.
Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.
The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.
Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."
Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.
posted by The Editors at
5:51 AM
1 Comments
Thursday, July 31, 2008
What You Were Thinking the First Time You Watched The Dark Knight
posted by The Editors at
6:18 AM
1 Comments
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Resolved: Neil Patrick Harris is a National Treasure
As if Harold & Kumar and How I Met Your Mother weren't proof enough, the man is cool enough to walk a mile in Bruce Campbell's shoes in an Old Spice commercial. And then, NPH goes to eleven by starring is a singing super villain in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.
As a public service to new fans who are late to Church of Neil, we present some of his earlier musical efforts that you can add to your playlists. If you can't wait for the Dr. Horrible soundtrack to come out, try these discs on for size. Like Dr. Horrible, both feature Neil singing and, coincidentally, lots of homicidal maniacs.
Assassins (Make sure you get the 2004 version on the PS Classics label. There's an earlier recording that's great, but sadly Neil Patrick Harris free.)
In this musical about the real assassins who killed (or tried to kill) a president, Neil Patrick Harris leads an ensemble cast as the narrator who guides you through some of the darkest chapters of U.S. history... through song. Highlights include the shockingly catchy "Ballad of Czolgosz" and "The Ballad of Booth." It's not the same as watching him step on Captain Hammer, but it's still cathartic as hell hearing Neil stand up for America and bitch-slap Booth (with Stephen Sondheim's finely crafted lyrics, of course.)
Sweeney Todd Live at the New York Philharmonic
Neil Patrick Harris plays Tobias in this story of revenge, murder, cannibalism, and the joys of owning your own small business. He has three big numbers here, including a sweet yet spooky rendition of "Not While I'm Around." Oh, and he may kill somebody before it's all over, too.
As a public service to new fans who are late to Church of Neil, we present some of his earlier musical efforts that you can add to your playlists. If you can't wait for the Dr. Horrible soundtrack to come out, try these discs on for size. Like Dr. Horrible, both feature Neil singing and, coincidentally, lots of homicidal maniacs.
Assassins (Make sure you get the 2004 version on the PS Classics label. There's an earlier recording that's great, but sadly Neil Patrick Harris free.)
In this musical about the real assassins who killed (or tried to kill) a president, Neil Patrick Harris leads an ensemble cast as the narrator who guides you through some of the darkest chapters of U.S. history... through song. Highlights include the shockingly catchy "Ballad of Czolgosz" and "The Ballad of Booth." It's not the same as watching him step on Captain Hammer, but it's still cathartic as hell hearing Neil stand up for America and bitch-slap Booth (with Stephen Sondheim's finely crafted lyrics, of course.)
Sweeney Todd Live at the New York Philharmonic
Neil Patrick Harris plays Tobias in this story of revenge, murder, cannibalism, and the joys of owning your own small business. He has three big numbers here, including a sweet yet spooky rendition of "Not While I'm Around." Oh, and he may kill somebody before it's all over, too.
posted by The Editors at
6:24 AM
1 Comments
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
In Response to the AFI, We Present the 100 Worst Films
100. A Night at the Roxbury
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.
99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.
98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…
97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.
96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.
95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.
94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.
93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love films about Irish folk legends.
92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.
91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”
90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.
89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?
88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!
87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!
86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!
85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994
84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.
83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”
82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”
81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.
80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.
79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!
78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.
77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.
76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.
75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.
74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.
73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.
72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.
71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!
70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.
69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.
68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.
67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!
66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.
65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.
64. Flipper
Squeak!
63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.
62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.
61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!
60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!
59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?
58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.
57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!
56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.
55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.
54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.
53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.
52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.
51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.
50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.
49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.
48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.
47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”
46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.
45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.
44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)
43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky
42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.
41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!
40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”
39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.
38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!
37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.
36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.
35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.
34. Anaconda
There's no way would an anaconda ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.
33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.
32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.
31. Glitter
No comment.
30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”
29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.
28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!
27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.
26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…
25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.
24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”
23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.
22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.
21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!
20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?
19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.
18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.
17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.
15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.
14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.
13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.
12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!
11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.
10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.
9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”
8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.
7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.
6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!
5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!
4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.
3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!
2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!
1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.
99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.
98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…
97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.
96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.
95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.
94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.
93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love films about Irish folk legends.
92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.
91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”
90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.
89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?
88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!
87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!
86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!
85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994
84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.
83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”
82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”
81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.
80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.
79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!
78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.
77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.
76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.
75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.
74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.
73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.
72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.
71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!
70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.
69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.
68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.
67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!
66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.
65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.
64. Flipper
Squeak!
63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.
62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.
61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!
60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!
59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?
58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.
57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!
56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.
55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.
54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.
53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.
52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.
51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.
50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.
49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.
48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.
47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”
46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.
45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.
44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)
43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky
42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.
41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!
40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”
39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.
38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!
37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.
36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.
35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.
34. Anaconda
There's no way would an anaconda ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.
33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.
32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.
31. Glitter
No comment.
30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”
29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.
28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!
27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.
26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…
25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.
24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”
23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.
22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.
21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!
20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?
19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.
18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.
17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.
15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.
14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.
13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.
12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!
11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.
10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.
9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”
8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.
7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.
6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!
5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!
4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.
3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!
2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!
1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.
posted by The Editors at
11:19 AM
6 Comments
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Complete List of Movies That Are Being Turned Into Musicals
This season, Broadway will see multiple musicals based on films including Spamalot, Shrek, Billy Eliot, Cry Baby, Hairspray, Legally Blonde, and a trio of Disney cartoons. What movies are destined to be turned into musicals? Click the link to read the complete list of projects currently in development for a Broadway run.
posted by The Editors at
11:34 AM
0 Comments
Friday, February 1, 2008
Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year
“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”
posted by The Editors at
12:32 PM
0 Comments
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime, Part 2
posted by The Editors at
4:02 PM
2 Comments
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Study: The Predictive Qualities of Rob Reiner's Stand By Me
An Empirical Analysis Comparing the Futures of the Actor Wil Wheaton and the Character "Gordie Lachance" from Stand By Me
Finding Number 1: Stand By Me achieves mixed results in predicting the appearance of a 30-something Wil Wheaton.
a. In his adulthood, Wil Wheaton neither looks nor sounds like Richard Dreyfuss, the actor who portrayed the older version of Gordie Lachance.
b. Based on the appearances of both actors at the time of this study in 2008, Wil Wheaton continues to strongly resemble John Cusack who portrayed Gordie Lachance's brother Denny in the 1986 film.
Finding Number 2: There is a strong correlation between the career paths of the performer and the character
a. The real life Wil Wheaton and the fictional Gordie Lachance both grow up to be professional writers. Mr. Wheaton does not yet appear to have the same level of success as Mr. Lachance as seen in the film's coda. (It is estimated that Mr. Lachance's literary acclaim is on par with Stephen King's.) However, Mr. Wheaton does appear to be more technically adept than his on-screen counterpart in that, unlike Mr. Lachance, he would most certainly know that he should save his manuscripts before turning off his computer.
Finding Number 1: Stand By Me achieves mixed results in predicting the appearance of a 30-something Wil Wheaton.
a. In his adulthood, Wil Wheaton neither looks nor sounds like Richard Dreyfuss, the actor who portrayed the older version of Gordie Lachance.
b. Based on the appearances of both actors at the time of this study in 2008, Wil Wheaton continues to strongly resemble John Cusack who portrayed Gordie Lachance's brother Denny in the 1986 film.
Finding Number 2: There is a strong correlation between the career paths of the performer and the character
a. The real life Wil Wheaton and the fictional Gordie Lachance both grow up to be professional writers. Mr. Wheaton does not yet appear to have the same level of success as Mr. Lachance as seen in the film's coda. (It is estimated that Mr. Lachance's literary acclaim is on par with Stephen King's.) However, Mr. Wheaton does appear to be more technically adept than his on-screen counterpart in that, unlike Mr. Lachance, he would most certainly know that he should save his manuscripts before turning off his computer.
posted by The Editors at
10:47 AM
0 Comments
Monday, January 14, 2008
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Edward Scissorhands vs. Sweeney Todd
Edward Scissorhands hardly spoke at all.
Sweeney Todd won't stop singing!
The winner is Scissorhands!
Sweeney Todd sought revenge against the terrorist from Die Hard.
Edward Scissorhands sought revenge against the geek from The Breakfast Club!
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands' beautiful topiaries make him the talk of the town.
Sweeney Todd's business doesn't have great word of mouth.
The winner is Scissorhands!
Sweeney Todd's razors have handles made of chased silver.
Edward Scissorhand's scissors have handles made of... well, made of Edward!
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands is so skinny, you want to take him out for a bite to eat.
Sweeney Todd is... well, you might want skip dinner and go straight to the movie.
The winner is Scissorhands!
Edward Scissorhands endears himself to the audience by stabbing a waterbed.
Sweeney Todd endears himself to the audience by stabbing Borat.
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands' presence adds a dark streak to a sunny suburban setting... much to the delight of his neighbors.
Sweeney Todd's presence adds splashes of color to a dark Victorian setting... much to the horror of the people who's colors are being splashed!
The winner is Scissorhands!
Sweeney Todd helps make pies you'd never want to eat.
Edward Scissorhands attends Tupperware parties, for meals so yummy you'd happily eat the leftovers!
The winner is Scissorhands!
Sweeney Todd cuts throats.
Edward Scissorhands mostly cuts his own face.
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands looks like a young Tim "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" Burton.
Sweeney Todd looks like an old Tim "Planet of the Apes" Burton.
The winner is Helena Bonham Carter!
Sweeney Todd's razors make his arm "complete."
Edward Scissorhands has razors because he's "not finished."
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands dresses from head to toe in tight leather, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with a freaky leather fetish.
Sweeney Todd's hair looks like a giant skunk, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with an even freakier "furry" fetish.
The winner is Todd!
Sweeney Todd won't stop singing!
The winner is Scissorhands!
Sweeney Todd sought revenge against the terrorist from Die Hard.
Edward Scissorhands sought revenge against the geek from The Breakfast Club!
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands' beautiful topiaries make him the talk of the town.
Sweeney Todd's business doesn't have great word of mouth.
The winner is Scissorhands!
Sweeney Todd's razors have handles made of chased silver.
Edward Scissorhand's scissors have handles made of... well, made of Edward!
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands is so skinny, you want to take him out for a bite to eat.
Sweeney Todd is... well, you might want skip dinner and go straight to the movie.
The winner is Scissorhands!
Edward Scissorhands endears himself to the audience by stabbing a waterbed.
Sweeney Todd endears himself to the audience by stabbing Borat.
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands' presence adds a dark streak to a sunny suburban setting... much to the delight of his neighbors.
Sweeney Todd's presence adds splashes of color to a dark Victorian setting... much to the horror of the people who's colors are being splashed!
The winner is Scissorhands!
Sweeney Todd helps make pies you'd never want to eat.
Edward Scissorhands attends Tupperware parties, for meals so yummy you'd happily eat the leftovers!
The winner is Scissorhands!
Sweeney Todd cuts throats.
Edward Scissorhands mostly cuts his own face.
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands looks like a young Tim "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" Burton.
Sweeney Todd looks like an old Tim "Planet of the Apes" Burton.
The winner is Helena Bonham Carter!
Sweeney Todd's razors make his arm "complete."
Edward Scissorhands has razors because he's "not finished."
The winner is Todd!
Edward Scissorhands dresses from head to toe in tight leather, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with a freaky leather fetish.
Sweeney Todd's hair looks like a giant skunk, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with an even freakier "furry" fetish.
The winner is Todd!
posted by The Editors at
7:31 AM
18 Comments
Monday, October 29, 2007
Strategy for Fighting the War on Christmas
Merry Christmas!
In case you hadn't notice, the holiday season is officially here. In fact, it began at least as early as October 1st this year, when I saw the first Christmas themed ad. (This year's official winner for the first ad of the season goes to the producers of Fred Clause, which appears to be a delightful little romp starring Vince Vaughn as Santa's brother Fred. From the looks of it, it will be full of sassy humor with an leave you with an uplifting holiday message. Spoiler alert: The true meaning of Christmas may have something to do with love and spending time with your family.)
Slowly but surely, Christmas moves earlier every year. It used to be that the decorations went up at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. Then it drifted earlier into November. Then it hit the point where the green garlands and red bows were going up while the pumpkins were still out for Halloween. And now we've made it all the way to October 1st. Christmas is officially a three month celebration.
Which brings us to the War on Christmas. If you listen to Bill O'Reilly talk, Christmas is in grave peril. Some of the festivities surrounding the three month celebration of Christmas -- the uninterrupted stream of songs on the radio, the mall decorations, the Christmas-themed TV commercials, episodes, and specials -- use the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas." For some reason, every time a Top 40 station plays "Winter Wonderland" instead of "White Christmas," he thinks Christmas dies a little bit inside. He wants Christmas to be in your face, 24 hours a day, and with full-on explicit Christmas-on-Christmas action. When you wish a friend "Happy Holidays" in or around the area of December 25th, Bill O'Reilly hears that statement as being a secret code for "I hate Jesus and the people who worship him."
Well, if Bill O'Reilly wants a war, he's got one! It's not just in his sick, feeble, paranoid head anymore--I declare War on Christmas! And I've drawn up battle plans, too. My strategy revolves around the notion of a proportionate response. I maintain that Christmas fired the first shot in this war (and they aimed it straight at my sanity) by starting the oppressive onslaught of holiday cheer some 84 days ahead of the actual observation of the true holiday. Therefore, I'm responding in kind: If somebody thinks they need 84 days to build up to Christmas, I say let's have 84 days to wind down from Christmas.
This strategy works because of the following strange fact--although there's a trend to start forcing the Christmas spirit down every body's throats months ahead of time, once the actual day has come and gone... people get over it pretty quickly. Forget the 12 days of Christmas -- it's usually a distant memory a few days later! By the time people are deciding what New Year's Eve party to go to, it's ancient history. Christmas, as observed, is all build up, followed by a massive anti-climax.
This leaves an opening to highlight the annoying absurdity of starting Christmas in October. Instead of just wishing people a "Merry Christmas" before December 25th, I plan to keep on saying it AFTER Christmas. Way after Christmas. 84 days after Christmas. The phrases "Hello" and "Have a nice day" are going to be removed from my daily conversations and replaced with "Merry Christmas" all the way through March. If you'll join with me, we could have a serious movement on our hands.
It will be annoying. It will go on to long. And it will hopefully show the retailers, advertisers, and the Bill O'Reillys of the world how overbearing the protracted celebration has become. And maybe they'll show more restraint next year. For every day they hold back on starting Christmas, I'll stop celebrating a day earlier too. Then, maybe one day, the holiday season will be brought back down to size again. And when that day of moderation comes, the war will be over, and we can all live in peace.
In case you hadn't notice, the holiday season is officially here. In fact, it began at least as early as October 1st this year, when I saw the first Christmas themed ad. (This year's official winner for the first ad of the season goes to the producers of Fred Clause, which appears to be a delightful little romp starring Vince Vaughn as Santa's brother Fred. From the looks of it, it will be full of sassy humor with an leave you with an uplifting holiday message. Spoiler alert: The true meaning of Christmas may have something to do with love and spending time with your family.)
Slowly but surely, Christmas moves earlier every year. It used to be that the decorations went up at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. Then it drifted earlier into November. Then it hit the point where the green garlands and red bows were going up while the pumpkins were still out for Halloween. And now we've made it all the way to October 1st. Christmas is officially a three month celebration.
Which brings us to the War on Christmas. If you listen to Bill O'Reilly talk, Christmas is in grave peril. Some of the festivities surrounding the three month celebration of Christmas -- the uninterrupted stream of songs on the radio, the mall decorations, the Christmas-themed TV commercials, episodes, and specials -- use the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas." For some reason, every time a Top 40 station plays "Winter Wonderland" instead of "White Christmas," he thinks Christmas dies a little bit inside. He wants Christmas to be in your face, 24 hours a day, and with full-on explicit Christmas-on-Christmas action. When you wish a friend "Happy Holidays" in or around the area of December 25th, Bill O'Reilly hears that statement as being a secret code for "I hate Jesus and the people who worship him."
Well, if Bill O'Reilly wants a war, he's got one! It's not just in his sick, feeble, paranoid head anymore--I declare War on Christmas! And I've drawn up battle plans, too. My strategy revolves around the notion of a proportionate response. I maintain that Christmas fired the first shot in this war (and they aimed it straight at my sanity) by starting the oppressive onslaught of holiday cheer some 84 days ahead of the actual observation of the true holiday. Therefore, I'm responding in kind: If somebody thinks they need 84 days to build up to Christmas, I say let's have 84 days to wind down from Christmas.
This strategy works because of the following strange fact--although there's a trend to start forcing the Christmas spirit down every body's throats months ahead of time, once the actual day has come and gone... people get over it pretty quickly. Forget the 12 days of Christmas -- it's usually a distant memory a few days later! By the time people are deciding what New Year's Eve party to go to, it's ancient history. Christmas, as observed, is all build up, followed by a massive anti-climax.
This leaves an opening to highlight the annoying absurdity of starting Christmas in October. Instead of just wishing people a "Merry Christmas" before December 25th, I plan to keep on saying it AFTER Christmas. Way after Christmas. 84 days after Christmas. The phrases "Hello" and "Have a nice day" are going to be removed from my daily conversations and replaced with "Merry Christmas" all the way through March. If you'll join with me, we could have a serious movement on our hands.
It will be annoying. It will go on to long. And it will hopefully show the retailers, advertisers, and the Bill O'Reillys of the world how overbearing the protracted celebration has become. And maybe they'll show more restraint next year. For every day they hold back on starting Christmas, I'll stop celebrating a day earlier too. Then, maybe one day, the holiday season will be brought back down to size again. And when that day of moderation comes, the war will be over, and we can all live in peace.
posted by The Editors at
10:05 PM
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