Tension Breaker

Hanukkah - As Seen At Trader Joe's

2011-12-20T23:05:00.003-05:00

Whenever I see a mesh bag of chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil, I always think "Boy, that would be a great stocking stuffer!"

Did I mention this was taken at a Trader Joe's in New York City?

If the Tea Party Had Held a Debate in 1988

2011-09-14T07:51:00.001-04:00

Moderator: Governor, if Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered...
Tea Party Audience: Yeah! Kill her!

The Dark Knight Is On A Boat

2011-08-03T11:55:00.000-04:00

For Alfred's sake, I hope they apply their own bloody suntan lotion.

Rejected Names for the Wii U

2011-06-07T13:22:00.000-04:00

Wii They
Wii He
Wii She
Wii Y'all
Wii U And The Horse U Rode In On

June 6th is National "Fuck You, Ann Coulter" Day

2011-06-05T21:01:00.002-04:00

Here are some ways that you can celebrate Fuck You Ann Coulter Day.

Arrange a bible study group to discuss whether or not it's possible for Ann Coulter to go to Hell if she has no soul.
Ponder how God and Ann Coulter can co-exist in the same universe.
Give people respect and treat them with kindness and know that this general increase in human decency will cause Ann Coulter to break out in hives.
Gather together with friends to play a festive holiday game. Take turns throwing up. Whoever's stomach bile most closely resembles the writings of Ann Coulter wins an apple pie.

Why June 6th?

To mark the original publication date of her book Godless: The Church of Liberalism, June 6 has been named Fuck You Ann Coulter Day. Ann Coulter has published many books, but Godless has been chosen for this special honor because it contains truly timeless comments on widows who lost their husbands in the attack on the World Trade Center. Highlights of Coulter's text include "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much... How do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy." Commentary like that richly deserves a national holiday like this.

20 Years Later: A Hogwarts Reunion

2011-05-03T00:09:00.002-04:00

The years melted away last night at the 20th Reunion for the Hogwarts Class of 1998. Members of the most historically significant graduating class in the school’s history gathered in the Great Hall to rekindle old friendships and share happy memories -- even though most of their memories involved monsters, murders, and narrowly escaping death.

The most popular alumni of the evening was no doubt Harry Potter -- The Boy Who Lived, The Teen Who Dropped Out of School, and The Man Who Let Himself Go A Bit Around the Middle. “I’m in charge of the Aurors office now,” Harry told this reporter. “It was my dream job since my fourth year at Hogwarts, but there’s not really much to do since I already killed Voldemort ages ago. Last month I prepared a major report for the Minister on how we’re streamline the filing system for cross-departmental projects. So, when you think about it, it’s just as exciting as the old days.”

Potter attended the event with his wife Ginny Weasley, former star Quidditch player for the Holyhead Harpies. “I do miss the game,” she said, pausing briefly to sign an autograph for a fan, “but I sometimes think Harry misses me playing even more than I do. Sometimes he asks me to put on the old uniform.”

‘Please don’t print that last part,” she added.

Taking a break from chatting with his former classmates, Draco Malfoy said, “People keep asking me why I’m not in jail. I tell them I honestly don’t know--I’m too busy trying to figure out why I’m still alive!”

Hermione Granger, one of the school’s most famous graduates thanks to her role in defeating He Who Must Not Be Named, was also in attendance. As most wizards already know, she went on to join the Ministry of Magic where she fought tirelessly to secure civil rights for House Elves, Werewolves, Goblins, Centaurs, and Muggles. “To be honest,” she confided, “the work is very satisfying, but there isn’t much money in it.” She blushed and excused herself when she was asked if she was still making counterfeit Galleons.

Hermione attended with her husband Ron Weasley, who is also widely celebrated for his efforts in the war. He was seen answering questions about what he had been doing since The Battle of Hogwarts. “I spent a few years working at George's joke shop selling, you know, farting cauldrons and plastic dragon poop. All of which was perfect training for a career working for the government!”

Proving to be quite the proud father, Ron went on to boast about his children. “Rose is doing really well at school, of course, and Hugo takes after his mother, too. Although,” he added. “they did ask me to take them camping over the summer, so I had no choice but to confund the lot of them. I mean… honestly! Camping? They must be mental.”

The wizards formally known as Seamus Finnigan and Parvati Palil were overheard telling an old friend that they both changed their names when they got married. According to Parvati, “We noticed that wizard names are often prophetic, so our new last name is Handsomewealth.” A visibly proud Seamus added, “It seems to be working very well so far for our kids Rich and Goldie.”

Michael Corner attended with Susan Roberts, his Muggle wife who was making her first trip to Hogwarts. When asked if she found it strange to be in a school where they study magic instead of science, she responded. “Not really. I went to public school in Texas.”

Lavendar Brown was overheard telling friends the sad news that her favorite teacher, Divinations Professor Trelawney, failed to see a giant anvil falling over her head. According to Lavendar, the anvil will fall next Tuesday.

Luna Lovegood explained to her old friends why her father had shut down The Quibbler. “Times are tough for publishing all over. Even The Daily Prophet has scaled back their operations to just Rita Skeeter’s blog.”

Herbology Professor Neville Longbottom attended the reunion with his wife Hannah Abbott. Many expressed surprise at their marriage since Neville was the first Hogwarts professor to ever have an active love life. Current Headmaster Professor Flitwick said, “That boy was never the best student in my class, but he has my eternal gratitude for breaking the curse!”

Padma Patil, manager of Flourish & Botts and Vice President of the Alumni Association, had her hands full making sure that everybody in attendance had a good time. “I was trying to cheer up Moaning Myrtle. It was going well. She told me I hardly looked any older. I tried to return the complement and told her she hadn’t changed a bit. Then she just murmured ‘Thanks for reminding me’ and glumly drifted away.”

Although most attendees seemed to be enjoying the reunion, Gregory Goyle spent the evening alone in the corner dejectedly muttering “Why did they have to call me ‘And Goyle’ on my name tag?”

Later in the evening, after starting his third Butterbeer of the night, Harry Potter confided to this reporter that, “They used to call me ‘The Chosen One.’ I never liked that very much, but it beats what I have to put up with around the office. You know what they call me now? For a while it was ‘The One Chosen to be Fire Marshal.’ Then it was ‘The Man Who Runs the Fantasy Quidditch League.’ For the past few years it’s been ‘The Man Who Lives to Approve Quarterly Budgets.’” Taking a long drink, he added, “I really do miss high school.”

Susan Bones, Luna Lovegood, and Hermione Granger began planning a book club so they could get together more regularly. They abandoned their plans when they remembered that the only wizard literature is The Tales of Beedle the Bard.

Summing up the evening, Ginny Weasley said, “I like these events, but I hate the way the alumni association keeps apparating in my kitchen in the middle of dinner to ask for money.”

Obama Releases Bris Certificate

2011-04-28T00:29:00.002-04:00

Tea Party leaders and other prominent Birthers said they wouldn't be fully satisfied until they see the President's you-know-what in person.

Stolen Answers to the Upcoming SAT Exam

2011-03-01T16:57:00.000-05:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

All answers are listed alphabetically. For a chronological listing, please send $50.

A Closer Look at the Tea Party & Other Movements Inspired by Misreading U.S. History

2011-02-08T00:01:00.001-05:00

The Group: The Tea Party
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: The Boston Tea Party
What They Thought It Meant: Paying taxes is un-American!
Who They Hate: Black people
Excuse Me? Did we say black people? We meant “Socialists.”
Who They Compare Their Enemies To: Hitler

The Group: The Axes of Goodness
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: George Washington chopping down a cherry tree
What They Thought It Meant: The trees are out to get us! Destroy the trees before they kill us!
Who They Hate: New York Elitists. (Why do you ask? Did somebody tell you we hate Jews? Because that’s a lie!)
Who They Compare Their Enemies To: Hitler

The Group: The Kite String Theorists
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: Ben Franklin’s kite gets hit by lightning
What They Thought It Meant: Regulating the energy industry is unconstitutional!
Who They Hate: Homosexuals. It has nothing to do with regulation, but we just never liked them.
Are You Sure You Want To Admit That In Public? Yep.
Who They Compare Their Enemies To: Hitler

The Group: The Mayflower Power Movement
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: The Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock
What They Thought It Meant: Plymouth Rock. Another word for rock is stone. Stone tablets. The Ten Commandments. Therefore the founding fathers clearly DIDN’T want a separation of church and state!
That Doesn’t Make Any Sense: It sounds better when Glenn Beck says it.
Who They Hate: People who have actually read the Constitution
Who They Compare Their Enemies To: Hitler

The Group: The Young Americans
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: Columbus discovers the Fountain of Youth
You Do Know That Never Happened, Don’t You? You’re worse than Hitler.

Seperated at Birth: Bill O'Reilly and Insane Clown Posse

2011-02-02T21:09:00.003-05:00

Watch both videos and then ponder this question: How much would you pay to hear Bill say "Fuckin' magnets--how do they work?"

All of which got me thinking about the following image, which I believe is the reason God invented PhotoShop. (Oh, I know you pinheads are going to say that "computer engineers" invented PhotoShop, but where did the engineers come from? I don't know. You say they came from their mommy's tummies? Who put them there? You say sperm and egg? Who made the sperm and the egg? You can't explain it. PhotoShop is a miracle.)

Good News for Star Trek Actors: David E. Kelley Has a New Series!

2011-01-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

If you ever watched any David E. Kelley shows like Boston Legal, The Practice, Boston Public, or Ally McBeal, then you know he's a special kind of Trekkie. While most super fans collect autographed photos, this producer collects actors. He seems to be on a personal mission to give former Star Trek actors regular paychecks. Mr. Kelley, as a public service to help you in this endeavor, we've put together a convenient checklist. Simply check off the actors names when you've given them a guest spot or a regular role on your new show Harry's Law.

Why You Don't Need to Worry About Your Zodiac Sign Changing

2011-01-14T13:56:00.000-05:00

There's some good news for everybody who's been worried by a recent news story that suggests people may not be the Zodiac sign they thought they were. There is, as it turns out, no need to panic about new signs according to the results new study. According to this new study, any alleged changes to the Zodiac are irrelevant since Astrology is pure baloney and the positions of the stars and planets have no influence whatsoever on the personalities or lives of anybody.

The name of the new study is commonly known as the complete collected knowledge and wisdom of science.

Fun With Your Radio

2011-01-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Call the request line for your local top 40 station. (If you're not sure which station that is, it's the one with a morning show hosted by two guys who go by a name like "Craig-Man and The Biscuit.") When you make it through, follow this script:

YOU: I'd like to request anything by Elvis Costello.

DJ: Sorry, we don't play him.

YOU: Oh. How about something by Dire Straits, Ben Folds, or Joe Jackson?

DJ: Sorry, we don't play them either. We're only play Pop.

YOU: But don't those artists all play Pop music?

DJ: Yes, but it's a different genre of Pop.

YOU: There are different kinds of Pop?

DJ: Exactly, and we only play a certain kind. That's our format.

YOU: Oh. I see. One more quick question. If you only play a certain kind of Pop music, how come you spent the entire two months leading up to Christmas playing a rotation that leaned heavily on Big Band, Childrens, Classical, R&B, Smooth Jazz, Latin, American Songbook, Comedy, Classic Rock, Oldies, and Country songs?

At this point the DJ will suddenly sound like he's not reading from a script anymore.

The A Cappella Epidemic

2010-12-01T00:13:00.006-05:00

If you've seen the ads for NBC's reality show The Sing Off, you might be wondering what's up with all of this "singing with no instruments." It's called a cappella, and it's not just a fad: It's a serious epidemic. Learn more about it before it affects the life of somebody you love.

The Background Scoop

Back in the day, colleges used to have something called "Glee Clubs." Basically, a bunch of preppy college boys would get together and sing reverential versions of "Coney Island Baby," "Lida Rose," and other songs you've never heard of. They were extremely irritating, but the problem was mostly confined to elitist schools that you couldn't get into without buying a new library.

Unfortunately, over the past few years, a cappella groups exploded in popularity. Nowadays, vocal groups are a huge activity on college campuses. It's not just about singing--it's a major social event. Think of it as being like a frat but with less beer and more medleys of Abba songs. Whereas glee clubs used to sing without any instrumental accompaniment because they didn't happen to have any pianos handy, modern a cappella groups think that music sounds better without instruments!

These groups are not innocent clubs--they're cults! If you don't believe that, look at the matching outfits! Why would a college kid want to dress like that if they hadn't been brainwashed?

You can't walk five feet on a college campus without being serenaded with a perky version of "Karma Chameleon" or some other 80s tune you never wanted to hear again. Worse still, a cappella groups are starting to pop up in high schools, too! We can no longer ignore the fact that this is no mere extra-curricular activity...

The Warning Signs

How can you tell if somebody you know is a victim of the a cappella epidemic? Here are some of the tell-tale signs to watch out for:

When listening to their car radio, instead of singing along with the lead singer, do they sing along with the drummer?
Do they know all the words to the school alma mater?
Instead of downloading MP3s from Kaaza like a normal student, did you catch them hanging out on eBay trying to buy more VHS tapes of old Carmen Sandiego episodes?
Instead of humming to themselves, do they walk around singing syllables like "Kajang" "Aha Djing," "Gigibow," and other gibberish that sounds like sound effects from a Don Martin cartoon?
Instead of discovering an illicit hash-pipe hidden at the bottom of the sock drawer, do you instead find that they've hidden a pitch-pipe?
Does it drive them nuts when you confuse "a cappella" with "barbershop?"

How to Deprogram Them

If somebody you know shows the warning signs, an intervention just won't cut it--you're going to need to set up a full-blown deprogramming session.

It's not easy to rescue somebody from a cult, but if you follow these steps you may have a chance of snapping your friend or family member back to reality. Corner them in their dorm room, duck tape them to their desk chair, shine a lamp in their face, and start telling them the hard truths they don't want to hear. The following phrases and themes have been shown to be highly effective, so don't be afraid to use them often:

The dining hall is NOT a suitable performance venue! You are NOT making the eggplant parmagian taste any better! Students did NOT expect your all-vocal version of "Broken Wings" to be included in the meal plan!
Don't you care about animal rights? How is the lion supposed to sleep tonight if you keep singing that damn song!?!
If Sarah McLachlan ever heard what you were doing to her songs, she'd kick the living crap out of you!
When your group wears tuxedos you do not make yourselves look more classy. You're just making James Bond look less cool by association.
For the last time, Limp Biscuit songs do not sound better in four-part harmony!
"A cappella" is not Italian for "singing without intruments." It's Italian for "singing without dignity!"
Don't be afraid. The guitar is your friend. It won't hurt you.
"Vocal Percussion" will not help you meet women! It will only help you spit on them!

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Three Problems With Late Night Talk Shows

2010-11-23T18:17:00.002-05:00

1. Jay Leno Steals Jokes

Yep, it's the ultimate sin in comedy and Jay does it all the time. Amazingly, he does it in plain sight. In his recurring "Headlines" segment, Jay reads headlines or the fine print from real newspapers and magazines. This often involves typos or other slip ups that make things sound unintentionally funny. There's nothing wrong with a little found humor, I guess. But not everything in the "Headlines" segment is an accident. Sometimes a headline is funny because an editor at some local paper wanted to write a funny headline. Sometimes those "stupid criminal" stories Jay likes so much only made the paper in the first place because the editors thought they were funny. When Jay reads them on the air, he's using somebody else's material. Just because they wrote it in a deadpan style doesn't mean they weren't trying to be funny. Jay knows that, but he still goes on the air and acts like he's the first person to notice the humor.

Think the writers and editors of all those local papers are getting TV writing credits or compensation from NBC? Yeah, me neither.

2. Everybody Makes Fun of People For Dying

Let's say you're not famous, but you did something that made some sort of cultural impact. Nobody knows your name, but everybody remembers that thing you invented or the company you followed. I've got some bad news for you. When you die, every late-night talk show host is going to make fun of your death. There's a weird, unwritten rule that it's okay to do this if the joke says that you died or will be buried in a manner reminiscent of the thing you would be best known for. This is, for lack of a better phrase, extremely tacky. The subjects of these jokes did not lead public lives, but they are dragged briefly into the spotlight for a cheap joke (a joke that often implies the mutilation of their dead body.) Basically, if somebody merits a small obit in the paper ("The inventor of the Slinky passed away yesterday..."), then they will be mocked on the talk shows. I guarantee that when they inventor of the Slap Chop dies, you'll hear multiple monologue jokes about how his remains are being diced into small pieces and sprinkled over ice-cream.

What makes it worse is that there is an exception to the rule. You will never hear a joke like this about anybody in the entertainment industry. Making a joke about their deceased friends and colleagues would apparently be in poor taste. And predict that when Jay Leno dies, Letterman will make a heartfelt tribute to his former rival. He will most certainly not say "His family says they will miss him, but they are replacing him with an episode of Dateline."

3. Community Jokes Are Tired (and Often Untrue)

A Community Joke is a joke that's been said so many times that half the country takes the punchline as conventional wisdom. Bush is stupid. Gore is dull. The Harry Potter actors look like they should be in AARP. Angelina Jolie has a million kids. Pavarotti is fat.

This sort of joke is frequently featured in talk show monologues.

These jokes are bad because they're overdone, but more importantly, they're bad because they get accepted as true. And they're not necessarily true. Bush was poorly spoken and uninterested in nuance, but he wasn't stupid. Gore wasn't folksy and he was too interested in nuance, but he can be funny and engaging. People have been joking about the Harry Potter stars since the second film, but when you see them in the last movie, the three actors will be 19, 20, and 21--which is a reasonable age for an actor passing as a high school senior on screen. (The stars of Ferris Bueller's Day Off were around 19, 23, and 29.) Angelina Jolie has six children. That's more than some people, but it's not unusual by any means. She can certainly afford to take care of them and nobody has ever questioned her abilities as a parent... so why do we mock her for doing something that so many people do? Because it's an easy punchline that we can all use. That's the nature of a community joke.

Okay, I grant you, it's true that Pavarotti was a heavyset guy. God rest his soul.

Make Your Own 3D Blockbuster

2010-11-15T17:29:00.005-05:00

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was originally going to be released in 3D, but the studio decided that the conversion process wouldn’t be ready in time, so the film will only be available in the standard 2D format. This is very disappointing for fans. Just compare how the film will look in 2D with how amazing it could have looked if it had been given a proper 3D release:

But don’t worry about the studio's foolish decision—you can still create the 3D film effect for yourself if you follow these simple steps!

1. Buy tickets for the old-fashioned 2D release for you and your date. You’ll notice that the tickets are about 50 percent cheaper than you’d expect to pay for a 3D film. Don’t let this cost difference ruin the simulated 3D experience—you’ll be spending that extra money on various supplies.

2. Wear sunglasses to make the image on screen darker. Don’t use blue or yellow lenses. Stick with a standard grey tint. You want the colors on screen to be noticeably duller.

3. While the previews are playing, take a moment to rub Chap Stick over the lenses on your glasses. This will help to make the picture seem out of focus.

4. Print this picture of Ralph Fiennes, cut along the dotted line, and tape it to a popsicle stick.

Whenever Voldemort appears, hold up the picture. It's like he's coming right at you!

5. In the 7 Potters chase scene, throw a fist-full of feathers in the air when Hedwig gets hit. They will slowly float down around you and will lend the poignant moment an extra degree of sad realism. Note: Some of the people sitting near you may be allergic to real feathers, so be considerate and get your feathers from a non-allergenic pillow.

6. For the big wedding scene, throw rice in your face. (Uncooked is traditional.) Don’t be selfish—make sure you throw some into you date’s face, too.

7. When our three heroes enter Number 12 Grimmauld Place, the ghostly likeness of Dumbledore will rise from the dust to guard against intruders. Throwing real dust would be inappropriate, but some finely ground flour can be used to complete the 3D effect of the charging apparition. A third of a cup should do it. If the people behind you complain, apologize for not having enough flour for everybody.

8. Whenever Harry casts a Patronus spell in the Ministry of Magic, flash a camera in your eyes.

9. By this point, your date won’t want to speak to you ever again. This is all for the best, as you are now getting to the part of the film where you will need to abandon your seat: As Harry, Ron, and Hermione get chased through the woods, run as fast as you can up and down the aisles. Pretend that the hands of the other patrons reaching out to grab you are the branches of trees. When the police arrive in the theater and start running after you, make a break for the nearest exit shouting, “Snatchers! Snatchers!”

10. If you’ve timed everything right, you should be in a police holding cell just as Harry and Ron are getting tossed into the cellar of Malfoy Manor. Is this immersive, or what? Wait for Dobby to rescue you or for your parents to post bail. Whichever comes first.

How the Recession Affects Sesame Street

2010-11-10T12:53:00.006-05:00

After its expenses come under increased government oversight, the number 4 pulls its sponsorship.
Cookie Monster being replaced by his cousin, Ramen Noodle Monster.
Elmo's World downsized to Elmo's Corner.
Bob finally forced into retirement.
Zoe replaced with an orange sock from the Dollar Store.
Grover teaches Abby Cadabby about last and first. Specifically, "Last In, First Out."
Hooper's Store out-sources its operations to workers living on India's Galli Galli Sim Sim.
Thanks to a 50% off liquidation sale, all Double-U's are now U's.
As more residents move into garbage cans, Oscar complains about gentrification.
Count Von Count indicted on charges of counting some bats twice.
After being laid off, Baby Bear just sits around watching the Telly all day... which makes Telly even more nervous than usual.
In order to pay the bills, Grover forced to take on an 8th job.

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Move Over "Guitar Hero"

2010-11-05T23:50:00.005-04:00

Ripped From the Headlines

2010-11-03T23:47:00.002-04:00

The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.

A TV producer named "Richard Fox" is best know for producing a TV series called "Cops & Lawyers." The series is such a hit for the network named "NBS" that "Richard Fox" created several spin-offs including "Cops & Lawyers: Watch Some Violence Against Women" and "Cops & Lawyers: Shooting in LA is Cheaper Than NYC." All of the shows in the "Cops & Lawyers" franchise are famous for featuring thinly fictionalized plots about real public figures that are "Taken From the Newspapers."

But there's one story that "Richard Fox" hasn't featured on any of his TV shows. It's the story of "Richard Fox" himself, a TV producer with a closet full of dark secrets. What is this famous TV producer hiding? Prepare to be shocked:

He cheated on his wife with an underage prostitute. Then he killed the prostitute to cover it up.
He beats his children regularly. He killed their nanny to cover it up.
He cheats on his taxes. He killed his accountant to cover it up.
When he's not killing people to cover up his indiscretions, he enjoys making fun of handicapped people.
He's a huge fucking asshole who uses his TV shows to publicly insinuate that innocent people are guilty of terrible crimes. Then he hides behind a disclaimer saying that all of the shows are fictional... despite the fact that he promotes the episodes as being based on real people.
He is bad in bed. This isn't just because he has a laughably small penis, but rather because he has a terrible technique and he's extremely selfish. Oh, and the body odor doesn't help. Plus he can only achieve an erection if he's looking at his very large collection of child pornography.

Yes, without a doubt, "Richard Fox" is a real Dick with as much human decency as a rabid Wolf.

November 3rd - Tea Party Style

2010-11-03T14:20:00.003-04:00

John Boehner hates America.
Rand Paul is going to raise taxes on businesses. He SAYS he isn't, but how do you KNOW that he won't later?
The Tea Party controls the house and the economy is in sad shape. Why are they deliberately ruining the economy?
Mike Lee is a secret atheist who wants to make all of our churches illegal.
How much do we really know about Renee Ellmers? I'm not saying that she's a terrorist. But she does seem religious and all terrorists are religious.
Jim DeMint is a socialist! And a fascist! And a commie! And a despotic tyrant! It would be wrong to compare him to Hitler, but DeMint's policies are remarkably similar to the Fuhrer's.
Ron Johnson is a Mexican. He could clear up this whole Mexican thing if he'd just show us a birth certificate. I haven't seen it. Why won't he show it to me?
What happened to our country? They're taking away our freedoms! I want my country back!
Sarah Palin's Twitter feed is unconstitutional.

Christmas Comes Early

2010-11-02T00:23:00.001-04:00

Based on sitings of Christmas themed ads, Christmas officially started on October 28th this year. That gives us a glorious 58 days to celebrate Christmas before the day I thought Christmas actually started on. Adjust your calendars accordingly to reflect the new start dates for holidays:

Christmas: October 28th
New Year's: November 4th
Valentine's Day: December 18th
Memorial Day: March 28th
The 4th of July: May 7th
Halloween: September 3rd
Thanksgiving: September 29th

Linda McMahon is Running to be Your Longtime Friend

2010-09-08T00:42:00.005-04:00

Linda McMahon's new ad is centered around the endorsement from her longtime friend Judy Moorberg. Here's what Ms. Moorberg has to say:

"If somebody needed help, she'd be there in a minute. And not think anything of it."

Fantastic! I'm looking forward to enjoying the benefits of McMahon's friendship.

So Linda, I could use your help with a few things:

I'm going to be out of town for a week and I don't want to put the dog in the kennel. Can you stop by to walk her?
Speaking of my trip, can you pick me up at the airport, too?
Sometimes I just can't get to sleep at night. I feel all alone with my thoughts as I helplessly watch the hours pass. Would it be okay if I called you in the middle of the night? Just to talk for a bit.
I need to pick up a new couch. Can you help me pick it up from the store and move it? It probably won't fit in the elevator of my building, but I'm only on the fourth floor. (I'll buy the pizza!)
I'm hunting for a new job. Can you pass my resume around?
It was one of those days. I need a good hug. Can you come over? I've got the wine. Can you bring the ice cream?
Sorry to ask this, but my boss wanted me to. Can you get Mick Foley's autograph? (He says it's for his kid, but I don't think he has any kids.)

Thanks, Linda! You're the best!

The Gingrich Doctrine

2010-08-19T15:12:00.000-04:00

“There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia.”
-Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich is absolutely right: Americans should only have those rights that are available in their country of origin.

Here are some of the rights we should immediately deprive citizens of based on their heritage and religious affiliations:

Americans of Chinese decent must not be allowed to have more than one child.
All Jews should be compelled to serve in the military when they turn 18.
Active members of the armed services should not be allowed to vote if they are of Dominican or Guatemalan decent.
Italian-Americans should not be allowed to vote in a Senate election until they are 25 years old.
Citizens whose families came to America from Puerto Rico should be excluded from voting in Presidential elections.
Catholics should be forbidden from entering into divorce proceedings.
Cuban-Americans ought to have severely limited access to freedom of the press.

Sarah Palin Opposes the Construction of a New Church

2010-08-17T01:13:00.002-04:00

Catholics Who Aren’t Bigots, pls understand. New church is UNNECESSARY provocation of those who remember KKK lynchings. Pls reject it in interest of healing

Show That You Care: Please Make This Your Facebook Status

2010-08-02T15:42:00.004-04:00

Please copy and paste the following message into your Facebook status:

"Every day, people are emotionally bullied into doing what they're told. Post this as your status to show that you're taking a stand against emotional bullying... unless you're a coward who won't stand up to bullies. Many people will ignore this, but those who care will repost it."

Mel Gibson’s Guide to Substance Abuse (and The Bigoted Things It Makes You Say)

2010-07-21T12:54:00.000-04:00

Previously, Mel Gibson explained away his raging antisemitism by blaming it on the booze. (Because apparently that's what happens to everybody when they drink: They blame all wars on the Jews.) Now that he's outed himself as also hating blacks and women, you have to wonder what form of substance abuse will he blame his bigotry on this time?

Abused Substance: Alcohol
Who It Makes You Hate: Jews

Abused Substance: Antidepressants
Who It Makes You Hate: African-Americans

Abused Substance: Prescription Pain Medications
Who It Makes You Hate: Women

Abused Substance: Steroids
Who It Makes You Hate: Latinos

Abused Substance: Barbiturates
Who It Makes You Hate: Homosexuals

Abused Substance: Heroin
Who It Makes You Hate: Lithuanians

Abused Substance: Crack (Cheap)
Who It Makes You Hate: The French

Abused Substance: Crack (The Good Stuff)
Who It Makes You Hate: The Belgians

Abused Substance: Crystal Meth
Who It Makes You Hate: God Damn Spiders!

Abused Substance: Cat Nip
Who It Makes You Hate: All Asians (Except the Japanese)

Abused Substance: Absinthe
Who It Makes You Hate: The Mayans

Abused Substance: Snuff
Who It Makes You Hate: The Whig Party

Abused Substance: Model Airplane Glue
Who It Makes You Hate: The Irish

Abused Substance: Real Airplane Glue
Who It Makes You Hate: Muggles

Abused Substance: Raw Espresso Beans
Who It Makes You Hate: The Yankees

Abused Substance: LSD
Who It Makes You Hate: Don’t Forget About the Jews

Abused Substance: Ecstasy
Who It Makes You Hate: Fucking Jews

Newly Discovered Photo From the Apollo Moon Landing

2010-07-20T14:10:00.002-04:00

He truly was the hardest working man in showbiz.

Pop Quiz: Oprah or Super Villain?

2010-07-14T15:45:00.005-04:00

Which of the following ideas are embraced by Oprah Winfrey (a talk show host and media mogul) and which are the notions of Brainchild (a super villain whose gigantic brain is visible through his glass skull)?

My brain is like a giant magnet. If I think about the things I want, they will become attracted to me!
I can make money simply by thinking visualizing the great wealth I deserve to have!
I don’t need to break into a store to steal precious diamonds—I merely have to use the power of my mind and the diamonds will become attracted to me!
Other people are my pawns and I can make them do my bidding! The love of my life may not know I exist, but the power of my thoughts is so strong that they will be drawn to me without knowing why!
Diseases? Ha! Those are for people whose minds are not more advanced than medicines or doctors! I can cure myself by thinking healthy thoughts!
Tornados and tsunamis are no match for the power of my thoughts! I can protect myself with my thoughts! My brain sends out vibrations into the universe that repel any natural disaster!

Answer Key: 1. Oprah 2. Oprah 3. Oprah 4. Oprah 5. Oprah 6. Oprah

All of those viewpoints come from Rhonda Byrne’s, the author of The Secret. For some unknown reason, Oprah Winfrey seems to believe in these delusional ramblings and allows Bryne to shill her insane, logic-defying book on her show.

For the record, Brainchild doesn't believe in any of that "power of positive thinking" crap. He uses his big brain to make plans and set them in motion. If he wanted to destroy the world you can bet he wouldn't just wish for it really hard--he'd go and actually build a machine capable of crashing the moon into the earth! And if he fails, it would be because he's no match for the super-heroic powers of The Tick, not because he didn't want to win badly enough.

Team Chocula or Team Fruit Brute?

2010-07-02T01:17:00.001-04:00

Which side are you on?

Harry Potter and the History of Theme Parks Based on Books

2010-06-22T08:41:00.001-04:00

When Universal Studios officially opened "The Wizard World of Harry Potter" in June 2010, it was noteworthy for being an amusement park based on a literary source. While other parks have themes, this one has subtext. The park perfectly recreates the experience of being inside the pages of the novels, but with lots of ropes and guardrails keeping your imagination in line.

"The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" is divided into different areas based on the various themes of the books. We suggest tackling them in order. Start at Child Neglect, then move on to Murder, Discrimination, Betrayal, and Revenge. For your lunch break, stop by the Three Broomsticks for some fish and chips. Spend the afternoon seeing The Media and the Government Conspiring to Silence the Truth, Torture, War, Genocide, and Bereavement. It’s a family vacation you’ll never forget, despite years of therapy.

Although it is unusual, "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" is not the first theme park to be based on a book. Theme park enthusiasts may recall the "Six Flags Great Adventure Catcher on the Rye Land." That park’s dismal failure was largely attributed to excessively long lines at the security checkpoints--Not only did they have to check everybody’s tickets on the way in, but they also had to give everybody who entered an FBI file.

Most recently, in 2007, "Rhonda Byrne’s Fantasy La La Land" was based on the power-of-positive-thinking bestseller The Secret. Although it drew millions of loyal fans of the book, they all left disappointed as they discovered the “park” was just an empty field and, inexplicably, just thinking really hard about having fun failed to attract any roller coasters.

Not surprisingly, the concept of literary theme parks came from the mind of industry pioneer Walt Disney himself. Before he died, Disney envisioned a new theme park based on the collected works on Ayn Rand, but the plans were scrapped when it was determined that all of the rides would induce vomiting.

I Have Prepared a Retort to Your Latest PowerPoint Presentation

2010-06-21T22:53:00.001-04:00

Art Instruction, Inc. Should Offer Photoshop Classes

2010-05-17T19:11:00.001-04:00

Do you like to copy and paste? If so, you may have what it takes to be a great artist! Take our admissions test to enroll in classes at the Art Instruction, Inc. of Minneapolis, Minnesota!

Our graduates have gone on to create some of the top animated GIF sod monkeys acting like humans. Enroll today and you’ll be retouching your Match.com profile picture like a real professional!

Instructions:

Download the image of Tippy the Turtle and the Pirate.
Put Tippy the Turtle's head on Megan Fox's body.
Work the Pirate into a new LOLCatz image.
Now grab a photo from Stacey Feinstein’s Facebook page and make it look like she's making out with Tippy the Turtle. That'll show her!
Make it look like the Pirate is developing nuclear weapons capabilities.
See how many PhotoShop filters you can add. Give yourself five bonus points using for “Neon Glow” and “Difference Clouds” in the same picture.

When you e-mail us your results, please CC your Mom so she can forward it to everybody in her address book.

Who Would Be The Guest Stars If They Filmed a New Season of The Muppet Show?

2010-05-09T17:31:00.001-04:00

The original version of The Muppet Show went off the air in 1981, which means that stars like Ethel Mermen, Rich Little, and Sandy Duncan have been without a showcase for their talents for decades. Well, they don’t make them like they used to. Do any of today’s stars have what it takes to fill the shoes of performers like Dom DeLuise? We think we’ve found some candidates who might be up for the challenge.

1. Host: Neil Patrick Harris

He's funny, he knows his way around a show tune, and as an added bonus, he's a closet vaudevillian. (Did you know Dr. Horrible himself is an amateur magician?) Best of all, he's proven time and again that he's willing to just roll with it, however silly "it" may be. See his image-tweaking performances in Harold & Kumar, his Old Spice commercial, and his dead on impersonation of Doogie Howser (as seen in episodes of both How I Met Your Mother and Celebrity Poker Showdown.)

Episode Highlight: After suffering through willfully bad "Doggie Howser, MD" jokes from the cast of Veterinarians Hospital, Neil leads Rowlf and the dogs through a cover of "Stray Cat Strut" (proving once and for all that Neil's got cat class and he's got cat style.)

2. Host: Will Smith
He'd be fantastic, no question about it. But since he's arguably the biggest star in the world, he'd probably never do it... Unless his car got a flat and he had to run into the Muppet Theater to use the phone to call for a tow. Then I suppose there's a chance they could trick him onto performing. Or, if things were really desperate, Sweatums could tie him to a chair and hold him hostage.

Episode Highlight: For those of you who have been wondering what a "Jiggy" is, apparently they're purple, furry, and they'll eat anything that isn't nailed down.

3. Host: Kristin Chenoweth
With a Broadway-level singing voice, SNL-level comic timing, and a clear willingness to sing and act in silly bits, Chenoweth may be the ultimate Muppet host. Given her height, she's practically a Muppet already. Bonus points: appeared with Bill Irwin and Michael Jeter as Miss Noodle in a Sesame Street video.

Episode Highlight: A touching performance of the ballad "God Bless the Child" marred only by the background vocals being sung by a choir comprised of 6 month old babies.

4. Host: Alec Baldwin
In addition to being deadly-funny on 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin has shown off his talent for skits on over 8 gagillion episodes of Saturday Night Live. He can also hold a tune. Singing isn't mandatory for guests stars on The Muppet Show (nor is holding a tune), but it helps!

Episode Highlight: After using a series of disguises and Ninja techniques to sneak past his bodyguards, Miss Piggy convinces Alec to sing a dressing room duet of "It Had to Be You."

5. Host: Ellen DeGeneres
She's one of the funniest people on that planet. That should be enough for anybody, but Ellen also has a unique style--she's warm, fuzzy, and charming as heck on the surface, but she also has a bit of a subversive streak to her material and some of her bits take gleefully absurdist tangents. If that doesn't say "Muppets," what does?

Episode Highlight: Whether she'd be comfortable warbling a tune remains uncertain, but she'll excel at doing "the mashed potato" alongside her new dance partner -- an 8-foot-tall pile of mashed potatoes -- in a sketch called "Dancing With the Spuds."

6. Host: Steve Martin
He was the all-time best guest star on The Muppet Show and he's still got the talent and the career to merit a repeat visit. When he originally hosted, he was the wild and crazy guy. What would the more eloquent, wry Martin bring to the table?

Episode Highlight: It takes a talented man to deliver an insightful commentary on the lesser-known works of Dostoyevsky while playing the banjo.

7. Host: Dwayne Johnson
Yeah, that's right. The Rock. The original series featured action stars like Roger Moore and Sylvester Stallone. You could argue that Dwayne is a better actor than both of them, and he's definitely funnier. We can easily imagine him singing "I Feel Pretty" with Gonzo.

Episode Highlight: "Can you smell what the Swedish Chef is cooking?"

8. Hosts: Penn & Teller
They need somebody to fill the vaudeville slot previously occupied by Shields and Yarnell, Mumenchantz, Senior Wences, and Doug Henning. If they seem a little to cruel for the Muppets, don't forget that the Muppets were the people who brought you Marvin Suggs.

Episode Highlight: Sawing Beaker, Animal, and Fozzie in half is the easy part. Getting the right tops reattached to the right bottoms could take the whole show.

9. Host: Dick Van Dyke
Thanks to Night in the Museum, we know he's still alive and dancing... And the man is a comedy legend. The Muppets excelled at paying tribute to THE GREATS. Who can forget watching the whole Muppet gang gather around to reverently watch George Burns or Gene Kelly? Dick Van Dyke deserves that kind of adulation.

Episode Highlight: Dick and Kermit duet on "The Sadder But Wiser Girl For Me."

10. Host: Bill O'Reilly
Okay, he'd be a terrible host, not because we disagree with him, but because he's humorless -- especially about himself. And you have to have a sense of humor about yourself to be a good guest star. We're only listing him because we'd love to see him deliver a “Muppet News Flash” so we can fulfill our dream of watching somebody drop anvils on his head.

Episode Highlight: O'Reilly reports on the late-breaking story of an in-flight mechanical error on a cargo plain full of live cows and bowling balls.

11. Hosts: Zac Efron (and the Cast of High School Musical)
This would be the modern answer to the original series episode featuring Mark Hamill and the Cast of Star Wars. (Special note to anybody who thinks comparing Star Wars to High School Musical denigrates the memory of the Star Wars films... we say it's too late for that. George Lucas already ruined our memories with the three prequels.)

Episode Highlight: Since we never actually see those kids put on a real high school musical, they finally get their chance when the cast turns the whole episode over to presenting a mangled version of Guys and Dolls.

12. Host: Weird Al
You may remember him as an 80's icon--sort of the human equivalent of a Rubik's Cube -- but Weird Al was no flash in the pan. He's still at it... and he's still really good! The secret to his success was his ability to make silly songs look easy, but he brought real cleverness and musical talent to the task. Al is a perfect guest star: The manic energy, the colorful clothes, the accordion... it's like he's a vision that came to Gonzo in a fever dream.

Episode Highlight: All of your favorite old-school Muppet songs crammed into a 3 minute polka medley.

Special Note For People Who Like Petitions: Due to "popular" demand, there is now a Facebook group called "Will Somebody Please Put The Muppet Show Back on the Air?"

More Fake Celebrity Death Rumors From Twitter

2010-05-09T17:10:00.000-04:00

TheRealNietzsche God is dead! OMDG!

PeteTownsend Rock is dead, they said. :(

SamClemens I heard rumors of Mark Twain's death.

JLennon Luap Deirub I

F.T.C. Says Bloggers Must Give Full Disclosure

2010-05-09T17:08:00.000-04:00

I'm not wearing any pants.
I can't be bothered to vote in local elections.
I googled the actress who played Vicki on The Love Boat to see how she looks today. Attractive, but not my type.
I had a brownie for breakfast.
Growing up, I was afraid of the Spider Man segments of the Electric Company.
I am afraid of spiders, but this is unrelated to anything on PBS.
I own 56 CDs of show tunes, including 4 recordings of Sweeney Todd.
Okay, I had TWO brownies for breakfast. There. Are you happy now?
I think the original Star Wars movies are just okay. Also, I kind of liked the Ewoks.
I've never read The Catcher in the Rye.

A Simple Program to Make the World a Better Place

2010-05-09T16:54:00.000-04:00

10: Search for musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
20: If musical exists that meets stated parameters, go to 40.
30: If musical that meets stated parameters does not exist, write musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
40: Produce musical.
50: Cast Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
60: Bask in the glory of it all.

Archetypical Twitter Posts

2010-05-09T16:52:00.000-04:00

What Am I Doing?

Contemplating my navel
10:41 AM

Worrying about the erosion of privacy in the digital age
10:47 AM

Noticing the irony of last Twitter post
10:48 AM

Wishing I had the discipline to write one of those long, complicated blog posts
10:52 AM

Wishing I had some friends who didn't block my instant messages
10:55 AM

Crying out for attention for others
10:57 AM

Look at me!
10:58 AM

Look at me now!
10:59 AM

Now, now, now!
11:00 AM

Re-reading my own twitter posts and marveling at how fascinating I am
11:07 AM

Notable Names on the List of Other Beatles

2010-05-09T16:50:00.000-04:00

The 5th Beatle: George Martin
The 6th Beatle: Pete Best
The 11th Beatle: Stuart Sutcliffe
The 39th Beatle: Peter O'Toole
The 153rd Beatle: Shari Lewis
The 207th Beatle: Charles de Gaulle
The 264th Beatle: George Takei
The 441st Beatle: Wilt Chamberlain
The 491st Beatle: Frank Oz
The 522nd Beatle: Jack Lemmon
The 796th Beatle: Truman Capote

In an Early Draft of the Watchmen Script, Alan Moore Explored Other Character Concepts for the Comedian

2010-05-09T16:43:00.000-04:00

It's late at night. New York City. 1985.

A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.

Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"

Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.

Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.

The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.

Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."

Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.

Finalists for the Best Patent Award

2010-05-09T16:35:00.000-04:00

The nominees are:

The Heisenberg Compensator, patent by Dr. Emory Erickson
The Positron Collider, patent by Dr. Egon Spengler
The Flux Capacitor, patent by Dr. Emmett Brown
Focused Erasure Procedure, patent by Dr. Howard Mierzwiak
Earth, patent by Deep Thought

In Tribute to George Carlin: The Seven Words You Can't Text Message

2010-05-09T16:28:00.001-04:00

S
P
F
C
CS
MF
T

Reflections on "The Rainbow Connection"

2010-05-09T16:20:00.000-04:00

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
Wait--I can only name two.
One of them's this song, so that doesn't really count.
I guess that my theory's not true.

In Response to the AFI, We Present the 100 Worst Films

2010-05-09T16:01:00.000-04:00

100. A Night at the Roxbury
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.

99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.

98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…

97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.

96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.

95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.

94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.

93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love Irish folk legends. In this film's defense, it's hard to hate anything that gives Warwick Davis work. He's sincerely kick-ass.

92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.

91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”

90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.

89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?

88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!

87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!

86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!

85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994

84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.

83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”

82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”

81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.

80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.

79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!

78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.

77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.

76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.

75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.

74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.

73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.

72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.

71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!

70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.

69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.

68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this is the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.

67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!

66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.

65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.

64. Flipper
Squeak!

63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!

60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!

59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?

58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.

57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!

56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.

55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.

54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.

53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.

52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.

51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.

50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.

49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.

48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.

47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”

46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.

45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.

44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)

43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky

42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.

41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!

40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”

39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.

38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!

37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.

36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.

35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.

34. Anaconda
There's no way an anaconda would ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.

33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.

32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.

31. Glitter
No comment.

30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”

29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.

28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!

27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.

26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…

25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.

24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”

23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.

22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.

21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!

20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?

19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.

18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.

17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.

16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.

15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.

14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.

13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.

12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!

11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.

10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.

9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”

8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.

7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.

6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!

5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!

4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.

3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!

2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!

1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.

Blame the Game: A History of Pandering for Votes by Attacking Video Games

2010-05-09T15:58:00.002-04:00

The Year: 1978
The Game: Space Invaders
What the Politicians Said: Space Invaders will kill your children! This dangerous "game" gives players three "lives." This will clearly make children think they can get another life after they die, thereby causing kids to start killing themselves in droves thinking that they can instantly come back to life! Video games will promote teen suicide! Vote for us and we'll save your children from themselves!

The Year: 1993
The Game: Doom
What the Politicians Said: Okay, we were wrong about Space Invaders, Frogger, and Pac Man making kids jump off of buildings, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that we aren't RIGHT when we tell you that Doom will kill your children dead! This vile excuse for "entertainment" is different from the harmless games that came before it because it shows the violence happening from the point of view of the player. Since gamers are all stupid, we know for a fact that they will be unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Clearly Doom poses a danger that a real gun never could! Playing Doom will make your neighbor’s stupid kid murder your darling angel of a child! Vote for us or your children will surely die!!

The Year: 2001
The Game: Halo
What the Politicians Said: When you were kids, you played nice, safe, harmless games like Space Invaders. The aliens looked like little white boxes. But these new games that kids are playing today have deadly graphics! They are too lifelike -- There's no way for a kid to tell the difference between people in the real world and the alien monsters they kill on their Halo machines! Do we have to draw you a map? Don't you see how this will lead to big heaping piles of dead kids?

The Year: 2007
The Game: Manhunt
What the Politicians Said: While we have to admit that we were wrong again about Halo, we still have to warn you that the Nintendo Wii was the deadliest video game system ever! In games like Manhunt, players enact killings by actually waving their arms around in a vague simulation of real life chainsaw swinging action! This unprecedented level of immersion would -- absolutely, no doubt about it, we swear on a stack of bibles this time -- make those mentally unbalanced gamers finally snap! The experience they gain by wiggling the remote control joystick device will surely teach them everything they need to know about buying a gun, loading the ammunition, turning the safety off, bracing for the kickback, aiming, and firing! We're talking about kids killing kids here, people, so get scared and start voting for us!

The Year: 2010
The Game: Red Dead Redemption
What the Politicians Say: Studies now show that the average video game player is not a child at all and that their average age is actually 34. Considering this alarming data -- along with our history of pandering for votes by portraying gamers as evil, psychopathic, nut jobs for more than a quarter of a century now -- we have determined the obvious course of action: To protect our political careers, it is imperative that we raise the voting age to 35!

Other Theories Charles Darwin Developed On His Trip to the Galapagos Islands

2010-05-09T01:16:00.000-04:00

The Theory of Penguins Being Totally Cute

The Theory of Iguanas Smelling Bad When There Are Too Many of Them In One Spot

The Theory that The S.S. Beagle Could Use a Woman's Touch

The Theory that Sea Lions Have Sharp Teeth

The Theory that You Can Balance an Egg Here

The Theory of Sleeping on Volcanic Rocks Being Bad for the Back

The Theory of Big Animals Eating Smaller Animals

The Theory of That Turtle Being so Huge I Bet I Could Ride it Like a Horse

An Open Letter to Stephen Sondheim

2010-05-09T01:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Sondheim,

If you would permit us to be so bold, we have a suggestion for how you can take an already treasured song and make it even more emotionally resonant. In your musical Sunday in the Park With George, you illuminate George Seurat's passion for his work by showing his obsession with the details of his painting in the song "Finishing the Hat." What if instead of focusing on the hat, his concentration were instead being consumed by the monkey?

Look how the lyrics take on a new life when you change a single word:

Finishing the monkey
How you have to finish the monkey
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the monkey

Imagine how the audience will rise to their feet when they hear the emotional climax of the song:
Look, I made a monkey
Where there never was a monkey!

Yes, we know you'd have to add an extra beat to the song to accommodate the extra syllable, but don't you think it's worth it?

Please feel free to use these new lyrics. You don't even have to pay us.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year

2010-05-09T01:04:00.001-04:00

“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”

Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime, Part 2

2010-05-09T01:01:00.000-04:00

Study: The Predictive Qualities of Rob Reiner's Stand By Me

2010-05-09T00:55:00.000-04:00

An Empirical Analysis Comparing the Futures of the Actor Wil Wheaton and the Character "Gordie Lachance" from Stand By Me

Finding Number 1: Stand By Me achieves mixed results in predicting the appearance of a 30-something Wil Wheaton.

a. In his adulthood, Wil Wheaton neither looks nor sounds like Richard Dreyfuss, the actor who portrayed the older version of Gordie Lachance.

b. Based on the appearances of both actors at the time of this study, Wil Wheaton continues to strongly resemble John Cusack who portrayed Gordie Lachance's brother Denny in the 1986 film.

Finding Number 2: There is a strong correlation between the career paths of the performer and the character

a. The real life Wil Wheaton and the fictional Gordie Lachance both grow up to be professional writers. Mr. Wheaton does not yet appear to have the same level of success as Mr. Lachance as seen in the film's coda. (It is estimated that Mr. Lachance's book sales are on par with Stephen King's.) However, Mr. Wheaton does appear to be more technically adept than his on-screen counterpart in that, unlike Mr. Lachance, he would most certainly know that he should save his manuscripts before turning off his computer.

Other Menu Items at Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies

2010-05-09T00:48:00.000-04:00

Brunch:
Huevos Ranchers

Side Dishes:
French Fries
Italian Fries
Irish Fries
Fries of Mixed Ancestry
Broccoli Rabbi

Beverages:
Iced Teacher
Genius Ale
Stout Logger
Sam Adams

Appetizers:
Cobbler Salad

Desserts:
Bard Pudding
Chocolate Lawyer Cake

Entrees:
Jumbo Pimp
Fish and Chip

Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime, Part 1

2010-05-09T00:44:00.000-04:00

These Domain Names Are All Available

2010-05-09T00:33:00.000-04:00

In reviewing the traffic data for this website, we were surprised to notice that two distinct users came here after googling the term "whore in clown makeup." (If you're wondering why that search would point users to a site meant to provide visitors with funny things to read while they should be working, take a look at this entertaining, but decidedly non-perverted article.)

So, if you're an aspiring pornographer looking for a niche, be advised that apparently there are at least two people online who are willing to pay good money for sex with clowns. To help get you started in your entrepreneurial efforts, the following web addresses are all currently available for your use as of the time of this posting.

www.bozo-on-bozo-action.com
www.clowncarorgy.com
www.reallyreallyreallybigfootfetish.com
www.ringlingbrothersescorts.com
www.squeezemynose.com
www.hothobos.com
www.squirtingflowers.com
www.girlswhojuggle.com
www.baggypanties.com

Concept Albums for Your iPod, Part 2

2010-05-09T00:07:00.000-04:00

Album Name: Add it Up

The Track List
1. Working for the Weekend - Loverboy
2. Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money) - Pet Shop Boys
3. The Math - Hillary Duff
4. Add it Up - Violent Femmes
5. Murder by Numbers - The Police
6. Lawyers, Guns, and Money - Warren Zevon
7. Criminal - Fiona Apple
8. Tell the Truth - Ray Charles
9. You're Not the Boss of Me Now - They Might Be Giants

The Plot (As explained by the Music Editor of Your College Newspaper)

Add it Up is arguably the best concept album since The Who's greatly under-appreciated Quadrophenia. The story concerns a Young Accountant who works for The Large Corporation. The Young Accountant is merely a low level worker (Working for the Weekend) but he dreams of climbing his way up the corporate ladder (Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money.)) The Young Accountant develops a romantic relationship with The Coworker (The Math.) While going through the books, they discover that The Large Corporation has been falsely reporting its earnings to illegally manipulate the stock price (Add it Up.) They confront The Boss, but he tells them that -- as a member of the privileged upper class -- he can do whatever he wants and that laws are for poor people. He insinuates that there will be dire consequences for the Young Accountant if he goes public (Murder by Numbers.) Although he wants to do the ethical thing, the Young Accountant realizes that he'd be taking a great risk if he blows the whistle on the Large Corporation. He searches for a way out of the dilemma (Lawyers, Guns, and Money) but ultimately concludes that if he doesn't come forward he is complicit in the fraud (Criminal.) He decides to go to the SEC (Tell the Truth.) He is fired from his job, but he is free to speak his mind when The Boss is taken away in handcuffs and indicted (You're Not the Boss of Me Now.)

Edward Scissorhands vs. Sweeney Todd

2010-05-09T00:05:00.000-04:00

Edward Scissorhands hardly spoke at all.
Sweeney Todd won't stop singing!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd sought revenge against the terrorist from Die Hard.
Edward Scissorhands sought revenge against the geek from The Breakfast Club!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' beautiful topiaries make him the talk of the town.
Sweeney Todd's business doesn't have great word of mouth.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd's razors have handles made of chased silver.
Edward Scissorhand's scissors have handles made of... well, made of Edward!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands is so skinny, you want to take him out for a bite to eat.
Sweeney Todd is... well, you might want skip dinner and go straight to the movie.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Edward Scissorhands endears himself to the audience by stabbing a waterbed.
Sweeney Todd endears himself to the audience by stabbing Borat.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' presence adds a dark streak to a sunny suburban setting... much to the delight of his neighbors.
Sweeney Todd's presence adds splashes of color to a dark Victorian setting... much to the horror of the people who's colors are being splashed!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd helps make pies you'd never want to eat.
Edward Scissorhands attends Tupperware parties, for meals so yummy you'd happily eat the leftovers!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd cuts throats.
Edward Scissorhands mostly cuts his own face.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands looks like a young Tim "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" Burton.
Sweeney Todd looks like an old Tim "Planet of the Apes" Burton.
The winner is Helena Bonham Carter!

Sweeney Todd's razors make his arm "complete."
Edward Scissorhands has razors because he's "not finished."
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands dresses from head to toe in tight leather, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with a freaky leather fetish.
Sweeney Todd's hair looks like a giant skunk, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with an even freakier "furry" fetish.
The winner is Todd!

Pop Quiz: Is This Book by Stephen King or Jane Austen?

2010-05-08T23:56:00.000-04:00

Section One: Books Named After Women
1. Emma
2. Carrie
3. Lady Susan
4. Lisey's Story
5. Christine
6. The Beautiful Cassandra

Section Two: Books Named After Groups of Women
7. The Woman in the Room
8. The Little Sisters of Eluria
9. The Three Sisters

Section Three: Books Who's Names Sound Like New Calvin Klein Fragrances
10. Different Seasons
11. Persuasion
12. Desperation

Section Four: Books Named After Places
13. The House on Value Street
14. Northanger Abbey
15. Mansfield Park
16. The Marsten House

Section Five: Books About This And That
17. The Begger and the Diamond
18. Sense and Sensibility

Highlight the "invisitext" below to check you answers.
1, 3, 6, 9, 11, 14, 15, and 18 are all by Jane Austen

Concept Albums for Your iPod, Part 1

2010-05-08T23:50:00.000-04:00

Album Name: I Wanna Be Sedated

The Track List:
1. Sugar Sugar - The Archies
2. So Much Pain - Ja Rule
3. People - Barbra Streisand
4. Time - Lionel Richie
5. Vogue - Madonna
6. The Big Chair - Tears for Fears
7. I Wanna be Sedated - The Ramones
8. Novocaine for the Soul - The Eels
9. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
10. I'm Henry the 8th - Herman's Hermits
11. Wake Up - Alicia Keys
12. De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police
13. I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow

The Plot (As explained by a Really Deep Guy at a keg party):

See, there's this guy--just a regular guy--and like all men he has weaknesses. This guy's particular tragic flaw is that he has a sweat tooth (Sugar Sugar.) It's his thing. It brings him happiness. The trouble is, while he's burning his life away trying to get a sugar high, he develops a cavity, and the pain is totally killing him (So Much Pain.) So the guy goes to the dentist, but before he can be cured, he has to spend time in a waiting room reading boring magazine (People, Time, and Vogue.) It's like the waiting room is purgatory. Finally, he's called into the dentist's office and sits down in the chair (The Big Chair.) The drilling is going to be painful and this scares the man (I Wanna Be Sedated) so the doctor gives him a local anesthetic (Novocaine for the Soul.) At first, this helps the man ignore the pain (Comfortably Numb) but there are consequences to tuning out the pain--the novocaine causes the man to hallucinate (I'm Henry the 8th.) When the dentist is done filling the cavity, he has to wake the man up. Between the drilling and the novocaine and the new filling, the man can't speak clearly (Do Do Do Do, Da Da Da Da.) Once he has recovered and is able to eat again, the first thing he wants is more sugar (I Want Candy.) He's doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over again. It's all so beautifully tragic.

NPRCILF of the Month

2010-05-08T23:34:00.000-04:00

Welcome to our monthly tribute to our favorite National Public Radio Commentators!

This month, we salute:
Sarah Vowell

Past NPRCILFs:
November: Sarah Vowell
December: Sarah Vowell
January: Sarah Vowell
February: Sarah Vowell
March: Sarah Vowell
April: Sarah Vowell

Behind the Scenes at a Real High School Musical

2010-05-08T23:28:00.000-04:00

Meet the cast and crew of your local high school production of Grease.

Susan Malone (Sandy Dumbrowski): Has had her iPod set to play "Defying Gravity" from the cast album to Wicked on continuous repeat for two and a half weeks straight.

Mark Sullivan (Danny Zucko): Will have to wear extra pancake makeup in this semester's show to help cover up the acne caused by the pancake makeup in last semester's show.

Jake Hamlin (Kenickie): Still trying to master the subtle intricacies of the jazz square.

Courtney Lipton (Rizzo): Found some good costumes from Fiddler on the Roof in the back of the prop room and is now trying to figure out a way to work a bottle dance into Suessical.

Michael Puzzo (Doody): Is extremely superstitious about saying "MacBeth" because he heard that he was supposed to be.

Clark Birnbaum (Roger): All the jocks like to call him gay… even though he's the only one whose extracurricular activities involve sharing a changing room with girls.

Amy Crawford (Frenchy): Doesn't know that her acting career peeked back in the fifth grade when she appeared in a community theater production of Annie.

Jennifer Wolfe (Marty): Her parents used to think she was slouchy, but now they think she's Fosse-esq.

Brian Moore (Sonny): Not on the basketball team.

Steve Berg (Eugene): Also not on the basketball team.

Charlie Thompson (Johnny Casino): Has been rehearsing the big production number in the gym all week, but still doesn't know what the "hoopy" things are for.

Olivia Hutchins (Jan): Has memorized the entire score to Into the Woods, but has a hard time remembering 20 vocab words for the Spanish quiz on Friday.

Ray Wheeler (Vince Fontaine): Spends way too much time debating who would win in a fight—Audrey 2 or Trekkie Monster?

Vaughn Johnson (Teen Angel): Last week "borrowed" the "Greased Lightning" golf cart and got it up to 9 miles per hour on the open road.

Scott Miller (Chorus): Thinks that "thespian" is the funniest word in the English language.

Marci Lynch (Patty Simcox): Total egomaniac: Always has to be in the spotlight.

Jeremy Feinstein (Light Board Operator): Total enabler: Always needs to be operating the spotlight.

New Video Game Strategy Guides (For the Way You Really Play)

2010-05-08T23:14:00.000-04:00

Halo 3

• Rent the game from Blockbuster. Go in the middle of the week. They have more games in stock then.
• Invite your best friend over to play. Your friend is cheap, so he will eagerly accept your offer to play games on your dime.
• Before entering the multi-player death match arena, you will be able to select what character you want to play as. The different characters have different levels of speed and armor and agility. Select the character with the biggest hooters.
• When the level starts, run and hide until you find the Scarab Gun -- It’s the best weapon in the game.
• Shoot your friend.
• As soon as he re-spawns, hunt your friend down and shoot him again before he has time to pick up a weapon.
• Run up to his corpse and shoot him in the crotch as many times as you can. Shoot fast—you will only have a few seconds before his body fades away.
• Repeat the process as often as possible before the time limit on the match runs out.
• If, by some chance, your friend manages to grab a rocket launcher before you can kill him, just get up close to him and taunt him. He sucks with the rocket launcher and always ends up blowing himself up.

God of War 2

• When you reach Typhon's Cavernous Prison, be sure to load up on Mountain Dew. You’re going to need it.
• Suck up your pride and have the neighbors’ kid come over to help you get past the Mighty Titan.
• When the phone rings, don’t answer it. It’s your boss, wondering when you’ll be into the office.
• After you leave the Temple of the Oracle, you will see an animated cut scene that advances the plot. Use this opportunity to take a pee break. Pee quickly—you’ll only have 27 seconds before the cut scene ends.
• By the time you must face off against the Juggernauts near the Throne of the Fates, the phone should be ringing fairly regularly. It’s your friends and loved ones. They are concerned about your well being. Use the Atlas Quake attack combo to defeat the Cyclopes and you will be able to open the gate to the next level.
• Give up trying to beat the Zeus boss level and sell the game on eBay.

NBA 2K7

The key to a good game is to have plenty of trash talk handy to show your friends who’s the boss and who’s the biyatch. Be sure to use these phrases often.
• “Yeah, that’s right! I’m the king! Bow down to the King! Bow down and kiss the ring!”
• “Are you trying to block me? Don’t bother! You can’t stop me! I’m unstoppable!”
• “You can’t seem to make a good lay-up today. Is your controller broken or do you just suck ass?”
• “You’re a dead man now!”
• “Why can't you make a jump shot? Why can't you get any air? Is it asthma?”

If the fates turn against you and your friends start winning, they may try using the following taunt:
• “Are you gonna cry now? Do you want your Mommy?”
Don’t panic. Just use this tried and tested counter-strategy:
• “That’s okay, I had your mommy just last night.”

Wii Sports

• Wave your arms around.
• No, faster.
• Good. Keep doing that.

The Straight Guy’s Guide to Musicals

2010-05-08T22:56:00.000-04:00

With the success of Chicago, High School Musical, Wicked, Hairspray, and even Glee, it's time to face the facts: Musicals are making a comeback. If you don't know your Sondheim from your Shaiman, don't feeling left out -- This handy guide will have you up to speed in no time!

Shows to Know

With so many musicals out there, how do you know where to start? Here's a list of some shows you should be familiar with.

West Side Story: You'll like it. Characters like Riff, Bernardo, and Action are uber-cool. It may be hard to believe that members of a street gang can dance...

...but it's much harder to believe that Jews can dance in Fiddler on The Roof!

The Music Man: Okay, this features some barbershop music, which makes it kinda lame. But, to make up for it, it features lots of great patter songs. Patter, basically, means instead of singing notes, you just speak rhythmically. In other words, The Music Man was The Birth of Rap Music! And, since the title character is a con artist, I think it also qualifies as Gangsta Rap!

Guys and Dolls: If you get the chance, see a local high school production of this classic musical. Yes, you could always just rent the movie, but we assure you that your neighbors' kids can sing better than Marlon Brando and act better than Frank Sinatra!

Hair: This revolutionary musical had nudity. It had drugs and rock and roll, too, but the real creative innovation was the nudity.

Damn Yankees: You haven't seen this musical and you call yourself a guy? It's got Satan and baseball. What more could you want? A scantily clad sex kitten? Okay, your wish is granted!

Godspell: Jesus Christ! No, seriously, it's about a singing, tap-dancing Jesus Christ. This musical is The Gospel According to Saint Matthew set to catchy 60s rock melodies. Fun Fact: the original cast featured Maria from Sesame Street playing a whore in clown makeup.

Grease: Before it was a movie, it was a stage show that had the decency to sound like the 50s--no freaking disco music! And no stupid "Sandy! I thought you were in Australia!" line, either!

Sweeney Todd: This musical about cannibalism will have you humming and retching at the same time!

Chess, The Musical: Do you ever ask yourself, "What happened to the guys from ABBA?" The answer is Chess, The Musical. Have you been searching for an 80’s pop song about the red-light districts of Thailand that features an inexplicably long flute solo? Please see Chess, The Musical, Act 2, Scene 1, "One Night in Bangkok." Do you pray to the sweet Lord above to create a patch of common ground between the geeks from the high school chess club and the geeks from the high school theater club so that these two warring factions can finally be united and a new era of peace may begin? The Lord has heard your prayers and behold! He gives you Chess, the Musical.

Phantom of the Opera: You don't need to buy an expensive Broadway ticket to see Phantom. Just check out director Joel Schumacher's movie version of this musical tale of a man who lives in an underground cave, coming out only at night in the shadow of darkness. On second thought, considering what happened the last time he directed a movie about a guy in a costume hiding in a cave, maybe you should skip it.

Cats: Okay, I know we're trying to help you get over your fear of musicals, but this show really is your worst nightmare. Here's an analogy-- Cats is to Great Musicals what Garfield is to Great Movies! Avoid this hairball at all costs!

Les Miz: This is a really long musical, but if you have a test tomorrow in your English class on the really long book and you haven't started reading it yet, listening to the cast album is a going to be a faster way to cram. Just remember that the novel and the musical are a little different, so DON'T write an essay about how your favorite part of the book was the singing prostitutes.

The Producers: This hit Broadway musical about a hit Broadway musical was made into a movie based on the musical based on the movie about a musical based on Hitler.

People to Know

Stephen Sondheim

Nothing before Stephen Sondheim matters. Sondheim is God. He's the King of Rhyme. It's like the man ate a rhyming dictionary and craps out couplets. Looking for some truly old school tracks? Forget Run DMC and pick up Sunday in the Park With George!

Sondheim changed the very nature of musicals for ever! Even the types of characters depicted in shows change:

Musicals Before Steve -- Socialites, Cowboys, and Ingenues
Musicals After Steve -- Serial Murderers, Assassins, and Sex Slaves

Sondheim took lyrics to a whole new level:

Lyrics Before Steve:
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye

Lyrics After Steve:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it

Bob Fosse: Choreographer, Director, Pervert

Fosse pioneered the use of having people dance around in skimpy underwear. He taught chorus girls how to bump and grind. He would have dancers do things with chairs that made all the seats in the audience jealous. His pioneering work on hot shows like Chicago and Cabaret taught Brittney, Madonna, and every boy band out there how to molest furniture for fun and profit.

Bernadette Peters

The beloved Bernadette Peters is a quadruple threat: She can sing, she can act, she can dance, and she can be a special guest host on Regis and Kelly without losing her dignity!

Gallons of Fake Blood!

Most guys like action movies with lots of senseless killing. If it's a high body count you're looking for, look no further than these musicals:
- In West Side Story, 3 characters get custom fitted with chalk outlines. (It's the classic story of Boy meets Girl, Boy gets shot in the back, Girl starts waving gun around in a menacing fashion.)
- Into the Woods may be based on fairy tales, but that doesn't stop the flow of blood! 7 people won't be making it out of the show alive...
- In Les Miserables, they kill off 4 notable characters (which isn't much considering it's about the Paris Uprising.)
- In Sweeney Todd, a tuneful musical about a serial killer, 9 people bite the dust. (7 throat slittings, one shooting death, and one person burned alive in an oven! Awesome!)
- You've probably never heard of an obscure and funny little show called Something's Afoot, but it still gets the award for "Most Violent Show of All Times!" Why? It kills off the ENTIRE CAST! This is the only musical without a big finale… because there’s nobody left to sing it!

Abstract Expressionist Emoticons

2010-05-08T22:46:00.001-04:00

7)*                 (Still Life With Bottle of Wine)
",?               (Portrait of the Artist's Mother)
chEe5E        (Exile from Eden)
pp&       (Waterlilies)
...                  (Aphrodite and Pygmalion)
*\!                 (Self Portrait With Victrola)
+%   (The Dream of Summer)
#   (Paris at Dusk)
,,.{      (Dancers at the Ballet)
-j@              (Four Cathedrals)

Upcoming Episodes of Law and Order: Scooby Doo Unit

2010-05-08T22:28:00.000-04:00

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the meddling kids, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

Episode 401: A routine haunting turns out to be part of a conspiracy between a prominent stockbroker, the Russian Mob, and Mr. Gompers, the groundskeeper.

Episode 402: A turf war ensues when Federal prosecutors want Assistant District Attorney Michael Cutter (Linus Roache) to grant immunity to a defendant in a smuggling case so he will testify in the Federal case against the Abominable Snowman.

Episode 403: A trial turns into a media circus when celebrity guest stars The Harlem Globetrotters are called as witnesses.

Episode 404: The kids catch a jewel thief, but will Cutter be able to be convict him when his defense attorney uses an insanity plea? After interviewing the defendant, Police Psychiatrist Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong) admits that dressing up as The Ghost Knight of Castle Von Brooksworth is “pretty damn loony.”

Episode 405: A judge instructs the jury to disregard Velma’s eyewitness testimony after she admits under cross-examination that she had lost her glasses and “was as blind as a bat.”

Episode 406: In a story ripped from the pages of the gothic novels of Mary Shelley, Scooby and Shaggy capture Frankenstein. District Attorney Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston) faces political pressure to drop the case when the Governor turns out to be an old friend of Frankenstein.

Episode 407: Scooby and Shaggy capture The Phantom of the Lighthouse by pushing him in a mine-cart and rolling it down a flight of stairs. Will he go free when his lawyer accuses the kids of police brutality?

Episode 408: In order to convict a man who dressed up like a mummy and stole ancient Egyptian treasure, the District Attorney’s office will have to convince a judge that just because Fred set a trap does not mean that he’s guilty of entrapment.

Episode 409: A judge throws out a confession on the grounds that, since the defendant was tied up with rope at the time, it was made under duress.

Episode 410: Fred and Daphne determine that the Zombie King is really Professor Logan in disguise. It’s up to the State Court of Appeals to determine if ripping off his mask constitutes an unlawful search and seizure.

Episode 411: Charges are dropped against a man who pretended to be The Creature from The Lake when, after researching the relevant case law, Assistant District Attorney Connie Rubirosa (Alana De La Garz) learns that it’s not even a crime to scare the tourists away so that you can drill for oil.

The Prop 8 Ruling Sounds Oddly Familiar...

2009-05-26T13:02:00.001-04:00

The California Supreme Court just plagiarized their ruling on Prop 8 from Shakespeare:

I say, we will have no more marriages:
those that are married already, all but one, shall
live; the rest shall keep as they are.
- Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1

New Holiday: June 6 is "Fuck You Ann Coulter Day"

2009-05-25T11:25:00.003-04:00

Here are some ways that you can celebrate Fuck You Ann Coulter Day.

Arrange a bible study group to discuss whether or not it's possible for Ann Coulter to go to Hell if she has no soul.
Ponder how God and Ann Coulter can co-exist in the same universe.
Give people respect and treat them with kindness and know that this general increase in human decency will cause Ann Coulter to break out in hives.
Gather together with friends to play a festive holiday game. Take turns throwing up. Whoever's stomach bile most closely resembles the writings of Ann Coulter wins an apple pie.

New Tag Lines for SyFy (The TV Network Formally Known as SciFi)

2009-03-16T16:54:00.000-04:00

SyFy: We're Lame Like That
SyFy: Our Fans Embarrass Us
SyFy: Isn't Our Name Cute?
SyFy: From the Makers of Furby
SyFy: Our Target Viewer is Sarah From The Movie Labyrinth
SyFy: Because SyGoldberg Was Already Taken
SyFy: Sponsored By New Coke
SyFy: It's Like Lifetime With More Temporal Paradoxes
SyFy: Please Don't Think About Syphilis
SyFy: We Didn't Stop To Think That It Looks Like It's Pronounced Siffy (Rhymes With Iffy)

Scalia Rules That the Use of "Militia" in the 2nd Amendment Does Not Limit the Right to Bear Arms to Soldiers

2008-10-13T16:36:00.001-04:00

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Fresh buttermilk pancakes, being a delicious breakfast food, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"A domesticated dog, being a superlative friend to a man of any station, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"A sailing ship, being a thing that is larger than a bread box, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"The weather in Philadelphia, being hotter than the armpit of one of Benjamin Franklin's whores, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Gout, being a painful and unseemly ailment, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Samuel Adams of Massachusetts, being a known welsher on his gambling debts, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"The number ninety seven, being the sum of the number forty three and fifty four, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Totally irrelevant and unrelated statements, having nothing to do with anything they happen to proceed, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

With Apologies to Shel Silverstein: Sarah Palin's "Where The Bridge to Nowhere Ends"

2008-09-28T16:29:00.000-04:00

There's a place where honesty gets lost in the wind
Blown away by politicians' lies.
But there was one clear-voiced maverick
And to the straight-talking truth he would always stick...
And then he threw it all away with his running-mate pick
From where the bridge to nowhere ends.

From convention to election in every speech
To the role of reformer she pretends:
Pork barrel pet projects she claims to have slowed
Says she stood up against earmarks, but that's a big stinking lode.
Bragged she stopped the wasteful spending, but the money still flowed
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

"Thanks, but no thanks," must be some sort of code
For "I'm keeping the money that I'm entitled and owed!"
True, she stopped the bridge--but she's still building the road
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.