Tension Breaker

With Apologies to Shel Silverstein: Sarah Palin's "Where The Bridge to Nowhere Ends"

2008-09-28T18:38:00.001-07:00

There's a place where honesty gets lost in the wind
Blown away by politicians' lies.
But there was one clear-voiced maverick
And to the straight-talking truth he would always stick...
And then he threw it all away with his running-mate pick
From where the bridge to nowhere ends.

From convention to election in every speech
To the role of reformer she pretends:
Pork barrel pet projects she claims to have slowed
Says she stood up against earmarks, but that's a big stinking lode.
Bragged she stopped the wasteful spending, but the money still flowed
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

"Thanks, but no thanks," must be some sort of code
For "I'm keeping the money that I'm entitled and owed!"
True, she stopped the bridge--but she's still building the road
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

In Case of Emergency, '08

2008-08-29T12:56:00.001-07:00

Circuit City vs Mad Magazine

2008-08-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

Pop Quiz: You work in the Corporate Operations office of Circuit City. One morning, somebody tells you that the new issue of MAD Magazine features a parody of a Circuit City promotional flier. You know that some Circuit City retail outlets sell magazines, including MAD. What is your response?

A. "We're in MAD Magazine? Neat! I think I'll buy copies for everybody at the office."
B. "We sell magazines? Hmmm... maybe that's not in line with our core competencies. I should look into that."
C. "Wait... I work at Circuit City? Crap! Maybe I should send my resume to Best Buy."
D. "MAD Magazine made fun of us? This is a crisis and I must solve it! I'll send a memo to our retail outlets ordering them to pull MAD from the shelves immediately!"

The correct answer, if you're smart, is A (although we would accept B or C, too.) The absolute WRONG answer is D. Unfortunately, that's the boneheaded answer a real live person working at Circuit City's Corporate Operations office actually gave when confronted with this situation in real life. Circuit City has since reversed that order. Nevertheless, what the heck were they thinking in the first place?

In a show of support for satire, free speech, and all that jazz, click here to get a subscription to MAD for yourself or for someone you love.

Or just click here to NOT shop at Circuit City.

Is That Anthony Michael Hall?

2008-07-31T06:18:00.000-07:00

Is that Anthony Michael Hall? I think that's Anthony Michael Hall. He looks a lot like Anthony Michael Hall, but I'm not sure. No, hey, that's him. That's Anthony Michael Hall.

Cool.

Resolved: Neil Patrick Harris is a National Treasure

2008-07-17T06:24:00.000-07:00

As if Harold & Kumar and How I Met Your Mother weren't proof enough, the man is cool enough to walk a mile in Bruce Campbell's shoes in an Old Spice commercial. And then, NPH goes to eleven by starring is a singing super villain in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

As a public service to new fans who are late to Church of Neil, we present some of his earlier musical efforts that you can add to your playlists. If you can't wait for the Dr. Horrible soundtrack to come out, try these discs on for size. Like Dr. Horrible, both feature Neil singing and, coincidentally, lots of homicidal maniacs.

Assassins (Make sure you get the 2004 version on the PS Classics label. There's an earlier recording that's great, but sadly Neil Patrick Harris free.)

In this musical about the real assassins who killed (or tried to kill) a president, Neil Patrick Harris leads an ensemble cast as the narrator who guides you through some of the darkest chapters of U.S. history... through song. Highlights include the shockingly catchy "Ballad of Czolgosz" and "The Ballad of Booth." It's not the same as watching him step on Captain Hammer, but it's still cathartic as hell hearing Neil stand up for America and bitch-slap Booth (with Stephen Sondheim's finely crafted lyrics, of course.)

Sweeney Todd Live at the New York Philharmonic

Neil Patrick Harris plays Tobias in this story of revenge, murder, cannibalism, and the joys of owning your own small business. He has three big numbers here, including a sweet yet spooky rendition of "Not While I'm Around." Oh, and he may kill somebody before it's all over, too.

In Tribute to George Carlin: The Seven Words You Can't Text Message

2008-06-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

S
P
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In Response to the AFI, We Present the 100 Worst Films

2008-06-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

100. A Night at the Roxbury
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.

99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.

98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…

97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.

96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.

95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.

94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.

93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love films about Irish folk legends.

92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.

91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”

90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.

89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?

88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!

87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!

86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!

85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994

84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.

83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”

82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”

81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.

80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.

79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!

78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.

77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.

76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.

75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.

74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.

73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.

72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.

71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!

70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.

69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.

68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.

67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!

66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.

65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.

64. Flipper
Squeak!

63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!

60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!

59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?

58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.

57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!

56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.

55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.

54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.

53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.

52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.

51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.

50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.

49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.

48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.

47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”

46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.

45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.

44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)

43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky

42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.

41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!

40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”

39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.

38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!

37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.

36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.

35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.

34. Anaconda
There's no way would an anaconda ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.

33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.

32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.

31. Glitter
No comment.

30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”

29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.

28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!

27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.

26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…

25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.

24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”

23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.

22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.

21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!

20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?

19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.

18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.

17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.

16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.

15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.

14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.

13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.

12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!

11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.

10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.

9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”

8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.

7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.

6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!

5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!

4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.

3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!

2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!

1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.

From the New Issue of Modern Groom Magazine

2008-05-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

How NOT to Propose

• DON’T wait for her to ask you.
• DON’T send her an e-mail with the subject heading “Will you marry me?”
• When telling her all of the things you love about her, DON’T mention her “great rack.”
• DON’T do it during a commercial break.
• DO surprise her, but DON’T sneak up behind her.
• DON’T use the phrase “If you know what’s good for you.”
• If you can’t afford to place an ad on a billboard, DON’T take one out in the “Help Wanted” section.

Fashion Report

Not sure what tuxedo to buy for your special day? Well, we’ve got some tips for you.

What’s Hot: The hot color this season is black. You might want to consider black pants and a black jacket. These can be contrasted with a white tuxedo shirt. Accessorize the outfit with a black tie, a black comberbon, and black shoes. Viola! You’re ready to go!

What’s Not: For the 28th consecutive year, powder blue tuxedos are out.

Be sure to buy next month’s Modern Groom Magazine, where we’ll have a special feature on how not to panic when you realize that the cater-waiters are wearing the same thing as you are.

Buying the Ring -- The Four Bs

How can you tell the difference between a good engagement ring and a bad one? If you’ve gone shopping for diamonds with your girlfriend, you are no doubt familiar with the “4 Cs” that diamonds are rated by: Carat, Cut, Color, and Clarity. But the 4 Cs are a load of the 5th C – Crap.

The real way to judge a diamond is by using the 4 Bs. Go into a jewelers alone, make sure there are no women around, and ask them to explain what really makes a great diamond. They’ll tell you that the 4 Bs are:

Bargain: This is a measure of the discount you can get from your friend who dates somebody who’s brother is the dentist of the guy who works at the jewelers.

Blinding: This measures how shiny the ring is. The best rings will cast bright shafts of light around a room like a miniature disco ball.

Boasting: When she’s shows her ring to all of her friends, they’re all going to be sizing it up against their own. You’ll want to make sure that she has the most impressive ring so that she can feel superior.

Bucks: You’ve probably been told that women are more romantic than men. That’s a big load of the fifth B – Bull. Women don’t want a ring that shows how much you love them, they want one that show’s how much you’ll spend on them.

Best Man’s Corner -- How to Toast the Happy Couple

Being the Best Man is a great honor, but it comes with a lot of responsibilities. You’ll be responsible for seating guests, walking the bride’s Grandmother down the isle, and keeping the groom from trying to sneak out of the church. But your job isn’t done when they say “I do.” You’re hardest task is still ahead of you: The toast.

The bad news is that you’ll have to speak in front of a large group of people. The good news is that since the toast will come a few hours into the reception, you’ll be too drunk to care.

If you’re not sure what to say in your toast, here’s a list of some of the key points that all wedding toasts should include:

• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did in high school while he was drunk.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did in college while he was stoned.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did at the bachelor party.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about how the bride and groom really met.
• Passing comment about how you don’t really know the bride, but that she seems nice so far.

The 6 Best Songs About Super Heroes

2008-04-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

6. "Iron Man"
by Black Sabbath

This song featured a crude, unsubtle, and stupid guitar line... and I mean that in a good way. It's a metal song for people who don't normally like metal. Prior to the huge swell of hype for the movie, the comic book character wasn't very well known by most Americans -- he never had the fame Superman or Spider-Man achieved -- so this song really boosted his public image. Iron Man owes it all to Ozzy.

5. "Silent E"
by Tom Lehrer

"Silent E? Who's Silent E?" I hear you ask. Well, if you don't recognize this hero's name right away, it's probably because he didn't have a movie or a comic book. In fact, he doesn't exist outside of the context of this song. The Silent E song was created for the educational television show The Electric Company. If you weren't alive in the 70s, it came on right after Mr. Rogers and it stared Morgan Freeman as a character who loved to read. (This experience served Mr. Freeman well, as he now frequently plays characters who love to narrate.) Anyway, Silent E had the very special power of being able to turn a can into a cane. If that's not reason enough to love it, consider this: the song was written and performed by Tom Lehrer!

"Who's Tom Lehrer?" I hear you ask. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I reply.

4. "Superman Song"
by the Crash Test Dummies

It's a little maudlin, but it's mostly surprisingly touching. It's everything that the damn Five for Fighting song isn't. It's got those arresting basement deep vocals and it has strong lyrics,although they do pick on Tarzan a bit too much. Tarzan want to know -- what Tarzan ever do to earn contempt of Crash Test Dummies?

Runner up: I Am Superman by R.E.M

3. "Jimmy Olsen's Blues"
by the Spin Doctors

First off, it's a great jealousy song. It's not quite as good as "Is She Really Going Out With Him" but it's easily on par with "Jessie's Girl." Second, it's nice to a different spin on Superman. From Jimmy Olson's point of view... the Man of Steel is a major game killer. How's a regular guy like Jimmy supposed to get any love with competition like that?

2. "Spider-Man"
by The Ramones

The list is based on original pop songs, not cover versions of existing theme songs. But this is the Ramones, so to hell with rules! Rules are for bands with less punk cred, bub!

1. "The Ballad of Barry Allen"
by Jim's Big Ego

If you didn't already know, Barry Allen is better known as The Flash. (The BEST version of the Flash, by the way. The one who originally died in the 80s and who just came back from the dead... presumably to catch the premiere of Iron Man movie.) Anyway, this song has a different take on hero. For this guy, running super fast and saving the girl is easy, but moving slowly enough to sit through a seemingly endless conversation with the girl is a draining workout.

Sample lyric:

And you say the time goes rushing by
But it seems so slow to me
And I want to be there when you laugh or cry
But it takes too long
It seems so slow to me

This song packs an emotional punch that can knock out even Captain Cold.

Celebrating 30 Years of Video Games Killing Children

2008-04-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

The Year: 1978

The Game: Space Invaders

What the Politicians Said: Space Invaders will kill your children! This dangerous "game" gives players three "lives." This will clearly make children think they can get another life after they die, thereby causing kids to start killing themselves in droves thinking that they can instantly come back to life! Video games will promote teen suicide! Vote for us and we'll save your children from themselves!

The Year: 1993

The Game: Doom

What the Politicians Said: Okay, we were wrong about Space Invaders, Frogger, and Pac Man making kids jump off of buildings, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that we aren't RIGHT when we tell you that Doom will kill your children dead! This vile excuse for "entertainment" is different from the harmless games that came before it because it shows the violence happening from the point of view of the player. Since gamers are all stupid, we know for a fact that they will be unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Clearly Doom poses a danger that a real gun never could! Playing Doom will make your neighbor’s stupid kid murder your darling angel of a child! Vote for us or your children will surely die!!

The Year: 2001

The Game: Halo

What the Politicians Said: When you were kids, you played nice, safe, harmless games like Space Invaders. The aliens looked like little white boxes. But these new games that kids are playing today have deadly graphics! They are too lifelike -- There's no way for a kid to tell the difference between people in the real world and the alien monsters they kill on their Halo machines! Do we have to draw you a map? Don't you see how this will lead to big heaping piles of dead kids?

The Year: 2007

The Game: Manhunt

What the Politicians Said: While we have to admit that we were wrong again about Halo, we still have to warn you that the Nintendo Wii was the deadliest video game system ever! In games like Manhunt, players enact killings by actually waving their arms around in a vague simulation of real life chainsaw swinging action! This unprecedented level of immersion would -- absolutely, no doubt about it, we swear on a stack of bibles this time -- make those mentally unbalanced gamers finally snap! The experience they gain by wiggling the remote control joystick device will surely teach them everything they need to know about buying a gun, loading the ammunition, turning the safety off, bracing for the kickback, aiming, and firing! We're talking about kids killing kids here, people, so get scared and start voting for us!

The Year: 2008

The Game: Grand Theft Auto IV

What the Politicians Say: Studies now show that the average video game player is not a child at all and that their average age is actually 34. Considering this alarming data -- along with our history of pandering for votes by portraying gamers as evil, psychopathic, nut jobs for more than a quarter of a century now -- we have determined the obvious course of action: To protect our political careers, it is imperative that we raise the voting age to 35!

Other Theories Charles Darwin Developed On His Trip to the Galapagos Islands

2008-04-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

The Theory of Penguins Being Totally Cute

The Theory of Iguanas Smelling Bad When There Are Too Many of Them In One Spot

The Theory that The S.S. Beagle Could Use a Woman's Touch

The Theory that Sea Lions Have Sharp Teeth

The Theory that You Can Balance an Egg Here

The Theory of Sleeping on Volcanic Rocks Being Bad for the Back

The Theory of Big Animals Eating Smaller Animals

The Theory of That Turtle Being so Huge I Bet I Could Ride it Like a Horse

An Open Letter to Stephen Sondheim

2008-04-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Sondheim,

If you would permit me to be so bold, I have a suggestion for how you can take an already treasured song and make it even more emotionally resonant. In your musical Sunday in the Park With George, you illuminate George Seurat's passion for his work by showing his obsession with the details of his painting in the song "Finishing the Hat." What if instead of focusing on the hat, his concentration were instead being consumed by the monkey?

Look how the lyrics take on a new life when you change a single word:

Finishing the monkey
How you have to finish the monkey
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the monkey

Imagine how the audience will rise to their feet when you reach the emotional climax of the song:
Look, I made a monkey
Where there never was a monkey!

Yes, I know you'd have to add an extra beat to the song to accommodate the extra syllable, but don't you think it's worth it?

Please feel free to use these new lyrics. You don't even have to pay us.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Complete List of Movies That Are Being Turned Into Musicals

2008-04-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

This season, Broadway will see multiple musicals based on films including Spamalot, Shrek, Billy Eliot, Cry Baby, Hairspray, Legally Blonde, and a trio of Disney cartoons. What movies are destined to be turned into musicals? Click the link to read the complete list of projects currently in development for a Broadway run.

The A Cappella Epidemic

2008-02-27T06:14:00.000-08:00

The Background Scoop

Back in the day, colleges used to have something called "Glee Clubs." Basically, a bunch of preppy college boys would get together and sing reverential versions of "Coney Island Baby," "Lida Rose," and other songs you've never heard of. They were extremely irritating, but the problem was mostly confined to elitist schools that you couldn't get into without buying a new library.

Unfortunately, over the past few years, a cappella groups exploded in popularity. Nowadays, vocal groups are a major activity on college campuses. It's not just about singing--it's a major social event. Think of it as being like a frat but with less beer and more medleys of Abba songs. Whereas glee clubs used to sing without any instrumental accompaniment because they didn't happen to have any pianos handy, modern a cappella groups think that music sounds better without instruments!

These groups are not innocent clubs--they're cults! If you don't believe that, look at the matching outfits! Why would a college kid want to dress like that if they hadn't been brainwashed?

You can't walk five feet on a college campus without being serenaded with a perky version of "Karma Chameleon" or some other 80s tune you never wanted to hear again. Worse still, a cappella groups are starting to pop up in high schools, too! We can no longer ignore the fact that this is no mere extra-curricular activity, it's a pandemic.

The Warning Signs

How can you tell if somebody you know is a victim of the a cappella epidemic? Here are some of the tell-tale signs to watch out for.

• When listening to their car radio, instead of singing along with the lead singer, do they sing along with the drummer?
• Do they know all the words to the school alma mater?
• Instead of humming to themselves, do they walk around singing syllables like "Kajang" "Aha Djing," "Gigibow," and other gibberish that sounds like sound effects from a Don Martin cartoon?
• Instead of downloading MP3s from Kaaza like a normal student, did you catch them hanging out on eBay trying to buy more VHS tapes of old Carmen Sandiego episodes?
• Instead of discovering an illicit hash-pipe hidden at the bottom of the sock drawer, do you instead find that they've hidden a pitch-pipe?
• Does it drive them nuts when you confuse "a cappella" with "barbershop?"

How to Deprogram Them

If somebody you know shows the warning signs, an intervention just won't cut it--you're going to need to set up a full blown deprogramming session.

Corner them in their dorm room, duck tape them to their desk chair, shine a lamp in their face, and start telling them the hard truths they don't want to hear. The following phrases and themes have been shown to be highly effective, so don't be afraid to use them often:

• The dining hall is NOT a suitable performance venue! You are NOT making the eggplant parmagian taste any better! Students did NOT expect your all-vocal version of "Broken Wings" to be included in the meal plan!
• Don't you care about animal rights? How is the lion supposed to sleep tonight if you keep singing that damn song!?!
• If Sarah McLachlan ever heard what you were doing to her songs, she'd kick the living crap out of you!
• Don't be afraid. The guitar is your friend. It won't hurt you.
• For the last time, Limp Biscuit songs do not sound better in four-part harmony!
• "Vocal Percussion" will not help you meet women! It will only help you spit on them!

Move Over "Guitar Hero"

2008-02-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

The David E. Kelley Checklist

2008-02-13T15:57:00.000-08:00

If you ever watched any David E. Kelley shows like Boston Legal, The Practice, Boston Public, or Ally McBeal, then you know he's a special kind of Trekkie. While most super fans collect autographed photos, this producer collects actors. He seems to be on a personal mission to give former Star Trek actors regular paychecks. Mr. Kelley, as a public service to help you in this endeavor, we've put together a convenient checklist. Simply check off the actors names when you've given them a guest spot or a recurring role on one of your shows.

Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime, Part 3

2008-02-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

Today Borders books sent out an e-mail to their mailing list that contained a series of coupons and sales notices. One of those sales qualifies as...

The Saddest Direct Marketing Campaign Offer of All Time

Here, for your review, is the offer in that qualifies Borders for this dubious distinction.

Offering consumers 5 romance novels for the price of 4 (and making the offer a week before Valentines Day) crosses the line from "meeting the consumer's untapped needs" to "exploiting the consumer's human frailty at a time of emotional weakness."

Fun With "Equal Time" Campaign Laws

2008-02-04T06:40:00.000-08:00

When politician/actor Fred Dalton Thompson ran for President, campaign laws governing "equal time" forced TV networks to stop airing shows and movies that Thompson acted in because they would have given him free publicity. Somehow, America survived his ill-fated campaign without any reruns of Law & Order or showings of Baby’s Day Out. All of which begs the question… what other actors should make a run for the presidency? After carefully reviewing the acting careers of several top contenders, we have our endorsement:

We'd Like to Urge CSI Miami star David Caruso to Run for President!

If you'd like to see Caruso throw his hat (and sunglasses) into the ring, simply print this form, complete it, clip it out, and mail it to:

David Caruso
c/o CSI: Miami
CBS Productions
1600 Rosecrans Avenue
Bldg 4A, 2nd Flr.
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266

Remember, it's not to late for a third-party bid!

Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year

2008-02-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”

Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime, Part 2

2008-01-24T16:02:00.001-08:00

The Museum of Marginal Doodles

2008-01-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

Study: The Predictive Qualities of Rob Reiner's Stand By Me

2008-01-15T10:47:00.000-08:00

An Empirical Analysis Comparing the Futures of the Actor Wil Wheaton and the Character "Gordie Lachance" from Stand By Me

Finding Number 1: Stand By Me achieves mixed results in predicting the appearance of a 30-something Wil Wheaton.

a. In his adulthood, Wil Wheaton neither looks nor sounds like Richard Dreyfuss, the actor who portrayed the older version of Gordie Lachance.

b. Based on the appearances of both actors at the time of this study in 2008, Wil Wheaton continues to strongly resemble John Cusack who portrayed Gordie Lachance's brother Denny in the 1986 film.

Finding Number 2: There is a strong correlation between the career paths of the performer and the character

a. The real life Wil Wheaton and the fictional Gordie Lachance both grow up to be professional writers. Mr. Wheaton does not yet appear to have the same level of success as Mr. Lachance as seen in the film's coda. (It is estimated that Mr. Lachance's literary acclaim is on par with Stephen King's.) However, Mr. Wheaton does appear to be more technically adept than his on-screen counterpart in that, unlike Mr. Lachance, he would most certainly know that he should save his manuscripts before turning off his computer.

Other Menu Items at Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies

2008-01-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

Brunch:
Huevos Ranchers

Side Dishes:
French Fries
Italian Fries
Irish Fries
Fries of Mixed Ancestry
Broccoli Rabbi

Beverages:
Iced Teacher
Genius Ale
Stout Logger
Sam Adams

Appetizers:
Cobbler Salad

Desserts:
Bard Pudding
Chocolate Lawyer Cake

Entrees:
Jumbo Pimp
Fish and Chip

The Real News From the New Hampshire Primaries

2008-01-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

Consider these results and ponder what would happen if each party nominated the candidate with the oddest shaped head.

Dennis J. Kucinich: 3,912 Votes
Fred D. Thompson: 2,884 Votes

Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime

2007-12-19T12:35:00.000-08:00