Three Problems With Late Night Talk Shows

1. Jay Leno Steals Jokes

Yep, it's the ultimate sin in comedy and Jay does it all the time. Amazingly, he does it in plain sight. In his recurring "Headlines" segment, Jay reads headlines or the fine print from real newspapers and magazines. This often involves typos or other slip ups that make things sound unintentionally funny. There's nothing wrong with a little found humor, I guess. But not everything in the "Headlines" segment is an accident. Sometimes a headline is funny because an editor at some local paper wanted to write a funny headline. Sometimes those "stupid criminal" stories Jay likes so much only made the paper in the first place because the editors thought they were funny. When Jay reads them on the air, he's using somebody else's material. Just because they wrote it in a deadpan style doesn't mean they weren't trying to be funny. Jay knows that, but he still goes on the air and acts like he's the first person to notice the humor.

Think the writers and editors of all those local papers are getting TV writing credits or compensation from NBC? Yeah, me neither.

2. Everybody Makes Fun of People For Dying

Let's say you're not famous, but you did something that made some sort of cultural impact. Nobody knows your name, but everybody remembers that thing you invented or the company you founded. I've got some bad news for you. When you die, every late-night talk show host is going to make fun of your death. There's a weird, unwritten rule that it's okay to do this if the joke says that you died or will be buried in a manner reminiscent of the thing you would be best known for. This is, for lack of a better phrase, extremely tacky. The subjects of these jokes did not lead public lives, but they are dragged briefly into the spotlight for a cheap joke (a joke that often implies the mutilation of their dead body.) Basically, if somebody merits a small obit in the paper ("The inventor of the Slinky passed away yesterday..."), then they will be mocked on the talk shows. I guarantee that when the inventor of the Slap Chop dies, you'll hear multiple monologue jokes about how his remains are being diced into small pieces and sprinkled over ice-cream.

What makes it worse is that there is an exception to the rule. You will never hear a joke like this about anybody in the entertainment industry. Making a joke about their deceased friends and colleagues would apparently be in poor taste. And I predict that when Jay Leno dies, Letterman will make a heartfelt tribute to his former rival. He will most certainly not say "His family says they will miss him, but they are replacing him with an episode of Dateline."

3. Community Jokes Are Tired (and Often Untrue)

A Community Joke is a joke that's been said so many times that half the country takes the punchline as conventional wisdom. Bush is stupid. Gore is dull. The Harry Potter actors look like they should be in AARP. Angelina Jolie has a million kids. Pavarotti is fat.

This sort of joke is frequently featured in talk show monologues.

These jokes are bad because they're overdone, but more importantly, they're bad because they get accepted as true. And they're not necessarily true. Bush was poorly spoken and uninterested in nuance, but he wasn't stupid. Gore wasn't folksy and he was too interested in nuance, but he can be funny and engaging. People have been joking about the Harry Potter stars since the second film, but when you see them in the last movie, the three actors will be 19, 20, and 21--which is a reasonable age for an actor passing as a high school senior on screen. (The stars of Ferris Bueller's Day Off were around 19, 23, and 29.) Angelina Jolie has six children. That's more than some people, but it's not unusual by any means. She can certainly afford to take care of them and nobody has ever questioned her abilities as a parent... so why do we mock her for doing something that so many people do? Because it's an easy punchline that we can all use. That's the nature of a community joke.

Okay, I grant you, it's true that Pavarotti was a heavyset guy. God rest his soul.

Make Your Own 3D Blockbuster

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was originally going to be released in 3D, but the studio decided that the conversion process wouldn’t be ready in time, so the film will only be available in the standard 2D format. This is very disappointing for fans. Just compare how the film will look in 2D with how amazing it could have looked if it had been given a proper 3D release:

But don’t worry about the studio's foolish decision—you can still create the 3D film effect for yourself if you follow these simple steps!

1. Buy tickets for the old-fashioned 2D release for you and your date. You’ll notice that the tickets are about 50 percent cheaper than you’d expect to pay for a 3D film. Don’t let this cost difference ruin the simulated 3D experience—you’ll be spending that extra money on various supplies.

2. Wear sunglasses to make the image on screen darker. Don’t use blue or yellow lenses. Stick with a standard grey tint. You want the colors on screen to be noticeably duller.

3. While the previews are playing, take a moment to rub Chap Stick over the lenses on your glasses. This will help to make the picture seem out of focus.

4. Print this picture of Ralph Fiennes, cut along the dotted line, and tape it to a popsicle stick.

Whenever Voldemort appears, hold up the picture. It's like he's coming right at you!

5. In the 7 Potters chase scene, throw a fist-full of feathers in the air when Hedwig gets hit. They will slowly float down around you and will lend the poignant moment an extra degree of sad realism. Note: Some of the people sitting near you may be allergic to real feathers, so be considerate and get your feathers from a non-allergenic pillow.

6. For the big wedding scene, throw rice in your face. (Uncooked is traditional.) Don’t be selfish—make sure you throw some into you date’s face, too.

7. When our three heroes enter Number 12 Grimmauld Place, the ghostly likeness of Dumbledore will rise from the dust to guard against intruders. Throwing real dust would be inappropriate, but some finely ground flour can be used to complete the 3D effect of the charging apparition. A third of a cup should do it. If the people behind you complain, apologize for not having enough flour for everybody.

8. Whenever Harry casts a Patronus spell in the Ministry of Magic, flash a camera in your eyes.

9. By this point, your date won’t want to speak to you ever again. This is all for the best, as you are now getting to the part of the film where you will need to abandon your seat: As Harry, Ron, and Hermione get chased through the woods, run as fast as you can up and down the aisles. Pretend that the hands of the other patrons reaching out to grab you are the branches of trees. When the police arrive in the theater and start running after you, make a break for the nearest exit shouting, “Snatchers! Snatchers!”

10. If you’ve timed everything right, you should be in a police holding cell just as Harry and Ron are getting tossed into the cellar of Malfoy Manor. Is this immersive, or what? Wait for Dobby to rescue you or for your parents to post bail. Whichever comes first.

How the Recession Affects Sesame Street

• After its expenses come under increased government oversight, the number 4 pulls its sponsorship.
• Cookie Monster being replaced by his cousin, Ramen Noodle Monster.
• Elmo's World downsized to Elmo's Corner.
• Bob finally forced into retirement.
• Zoe replaced with an orange sock from the Dollar Store.
• Grover teaches Abby Cadabby about last and first. Specifically, "Last In, First Out."
• Hooper's Store out-sources its operations to workers living on India's Galli Galli Sim Sim.
• Thanks to a 50% off liquidation sale, all Double-U's are now U's.
• As more residents move into garbage cans, Oscar complains about gentrification.
• Count Von Count indicted on charges of counting some bats twice.
• After being laid off, Baby Bear just sits around watching the Telly all day... which makes Telly even more nervous than usual.
• In order to pay the bills, Grover forced to take on an 8th job.

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Move Over "Guitar Hero"

Ripped From the Headlines

The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.

A TV producer named "Richard Fox" is best know for producing a TV series called "Cops & Lawyers." The series is such a hit for the network named "NBS" that "Richard Fox" created several spin-offs including "Cops & Lawyers: Watch Some Violence Against Women" and "Cops & Lawyers: Shooting in LA is Cheaper Than NYC." All of the shows in the "Cops & Lawyers" franchise are famous for featuring thinly fictionalized plots about real public figures that are "Taken From the Newspapers."

But there's one story that "Richard Fox" hasn't featured on any of his TV shows. It's the story of "Richard Fox" himself, a TV producer with a closet full of dark secrets. What is this famous TV producer hiding? Prepare to be shocked:

• He cheated on his wife with an underage prostitute. Then he killed the prostitute to cover it up.
• He beats his children regularly. He killed their nanny to cover it up.
• He cheats on his taxes. He killed his accountant to cover it up.
• When he's not killing people to cover up his indiscretions, he enjoys making fun of handicapped people.
• He's a huge fucking asshole who uses his TV shows to publicly insinuate that innocent people are guilty of terrible crimes. Then he hides behind a disclaimer saying that all of the shows are fictional... despite the fact that he promotes the episodes as being based on real people.
• He is bad in bed. This isn't just because he has a laughably small penis, but rather because he has a terrible technique and he's extremely selfish. Oh, and the body odor doesn't help. Plus he can only achieve an erection if he's looking at his very large collection of child pornography.

Yes, without a doubt, "Richard Fox" is a real Dick with as much human decency as a rabid Wolf.

November 3rd - Tea Party Style

• John Boehner hates America.
• Rand Paul is going to raise taxes on businesses. He SAYS he isn't, but how do you KNOW that he won't later?
• The Tea Party controls the house and the economy is in sad shape. Why are they deliberately ruining the economy?
• Mike Lee is a secret atheist who wants to make all of our churches illegal.
• How much do we really know about Renee Ellmers? I'm not saying that she's a terrorist. But she does seem religious and all terrorists are religious.
• Jim DeMint is a socialist! And a fascist! And a commie! And a despotic tyrant! It would be wrong to compare him to Hitler, but DeMint's policies are remarkably similar to the Fuhrer's.
• Ron Johnson is a Mexican. He could clear up this whole Mexican thing if he'd just show us a birth certificate. I haven't seen it. Why won't he show it to me?
• What happened to our country? They're taking away our freedoms! I want my country back!
• Sarah Palin's Twitter feed is unconstitutional.

Christmas Comes Early

Based on sitings of Christmas themed ads, Christmas officially started on October 28th this year. That gives us a glorious 58 days to celebrate Christmas before the day I thought Christmas actually started on. Adjust your calendars accordingly to reflect the new start dates for holidays:

Christmas: October 28th
New Year's: November 4th
Valentine's Day: December 18th
Memorial Day: March 28th
The 4th of July: May 7th
Halloween: September 3rd
Thanksgiving: September 29th