Mel Gibson’s Guide to Substance Abuse (and The Bigoted Things It Makes You Say)

Previously, Mel Gibson explained away his raging antisemitism by blaming it on the booze. (Because apparently that's what happens to everybody when they drink: They blame all wars on the Jews.) Now that he's outed himself as also hating blacks and women, you have to wonder what form of substance abuse will he blame his bigotry on this time?

Abused Substance: Alcohol
Who It Makes You Hate: Jews

Abused Substance: Antidepressants
Who It Makes You Hate: African-Americans

Abused Substance: Prescription Pain Medications
Who It Makes You Hate: Women

Abused Substance: Steroids
Who It Makes You Hate: Latinos

Abused Substance: Barbiturates
Who It Makes You Hate: Homosexuals

Abused Substance: Heroin
Who It Makes You Hate: Lithuanians

Abused Substance: Crack (Cheap)
Who It Makes You Hate: The French

Abused Substance: Crack (The Good Stuff)
Who It Makes You Hate: The Belgians

Abused Substance: Crystal Meth
Who It Makes You Hate: God Damn Spiders!

Abused Substance: Cat Nip
Who It Makes You Hate: All Asians (Except the Japanese)

Abused Substance: Absinthe
Who It Makes You Hate: The Mayans

Abused Substance: Snuff
Who It Makes You Hate: The Whig Party

Abused Substance: Model Airplane Glue
Who It Makes You Hate: The Irish

Abused Substance: Real Airplane Glue
Who It Makes You Hate: Muggles

Abused Substance: Raw Espresso Beans
Who It Makes You Hate: The Yankees

Abused Substance: LSD
Who It Makes You Hate: Don’t Forget About the Jews

Abused Substance: Ecstasy
Who It Makes You Hate: Fucking Jews

Newly Discovered Photo From the Apollo Moon Landing

He truly was the hardest working man in showbiz.

Pop Quiz: Oprah or Super Villain?

Which of the following ideas are embraced by Oprah Winfrey (a talk show host and media mogul) and which are the notions of Brainchild (a super villain whose gigantic brain is visible through his glass skull)?

1. My brain is like a giant magnet. If I think about the things I want, they will become attracted to me!
2. I can make money simply by thinking visualizing the great wealth I deserve to have!
3. I don’t need to break into a store to steal precious diamonds—I merely have to use the power of my mind and the diamonds will become attracted to me!
4. Other people are my pawns and I can make them do my bidding! The love of my life may not know I exist, but the power of my thoughts is so strong that they will be drawn to me without knowing why!
5. Diseases? Ha! Those are for people whose minds are not more advanced than medicines or doctors! I can cure myself by thinking healthy thoughts!
6. Tornados and tsunamis are no match for the power of my thoughts! I can protect myself with my thoughts! My brain sends out vibrations into the universe that repel any natural disaster!

Answer Key: 1. Oprah  2. Oprah  3. Oprah  4. Oprah  5. Oprah  6. Oprah

All of those viewpoints come from Rhonda Byrne’s, the author of The Secret. For some unknown reason, Oprah Winfrey seems to believe in these delusional ramblings and allows Bryne to shill her insane, logic-defying book on her show.

For the record, Brainchild doesn't believe in any of that "power of positive thinking" crap. He uses his big brain to make plans and set them in motion. If he wanted to destroy the world you can bet he wouldn't just wish for it really hard--he'd go and actually build a machine capable of crashing the moon into the earth! And if he fails, it would be because he's no match for the super-heroic powers of The Tick, not because he didn't want to win badly enough.

Team Chocula or Team Fruit Brute?

Which side are you on?