Art Instruction, Inc. Should Offer Photoshop Classes

Do you like to copy and paste? If so, you may have what it takes to be a great artist! Take our admissions test to enroll in classes at the Art Instruction, Inc. of Minneapolis, Minnesota!

Our graduates have gone on to create some of the top animated GIF sod monkeys acting like humans. Enroll today and you’ll be retouching your Match.com profile picture like a real professional!

Instructions:

• Download the image of Tippy the Turtle and the Pirate.
• Put Tippy the Turtle's head on Megan Fox's body.
• Work the Pirate into a new LOLCatz image.
• Now grab a photo from Stacey Feinstein’s Facebook page and make it look like she's making out with Tippy the Turtle. That'll show her!
• Make it look like the Pirate is developing nuclear weapons capabilities.
• See how many PhotoShop filters you can add. Give yourself five bonus points using for “Neon Glow” and “Difference Clouds” in the same picture.

When you e-mail us your results, please CC your Mom so she can forward it to everybody in her address book.

Who Would Be The Guest Stars If They Filmed a New Season of The Muppet Show?

The original version of The Muppet Show went off the air in 1981, which means that stars like Ethel Mermen, Rich Little, and Sandy Duncan have been without a showcase for their talents for decades. Well, they don’t make them like they used to. Do any of today’s stars have what it takes to fill the shoes of performers like Dom DeLuise? We think we’ve found some candidates who might be up for the challenge.

1. Host: Neil Patrick Harris

He's funny, he knows his way around a show tune, and as an added bonus, he's a closet vaudevillian. (Did you know Dr. Horrible himself is an amateur magician?) Best of all, he's proven time and again that he's willing to just roll with it, however silly "it" may be. See his image-tweaking performances in Harold & Kumar, his Old Spice commercial, and his dead on impersonation of Doogie Howser (as seen in episodes of both How I Met Your Mother and Celebrity Poker Showdown.)

Episode Highlight: After suffering through willfully bad "Doggie Howser, MD" jokes from the cast of Veterinarians Hospital, Neil leads Rowlf and the dogs through a cover of "Stray Cat Strut" (proving once and for all that Neil's got cat class and he's got cat style.)

2. Host: Will Smith
He'd be fantastic, no question about it. But since he's arguably the biggest star in the world, he'd probably never do it... Unless his car got a flat and he had to run into the Muppet Theater to use the phone to call for a tow. Then I suppose there's a chance they could trick him onto performing. Or, if things were really desperate, Sweatums could tie him to a chair and hold him hostage.

Episode Highlight: For those of you who have been wondering what a "Jiggy" is, apparently they're purple, furry, and they'll eat anything that isn't nailed down.

3. Host: Kristin Chenoweth
With a Broadway-level singing voice, SNL-level comic timing, and a clear willingness to sing and act in silly bits, Chenoweth may be the ultimate Muppet host. Given her height, she's practically a Muppet already. Bonus points: appeared with Bill Irwin and Michael Jeter as Miss Noodle in a Sesame Street video.

Episode Highlight: A touching performance of the ballad "God Bless the Child" marred only by the background vocals being sung by a choir comprised of 6 month old babies.

4. Host: Alec Baldwin
In addition to being deadly-funny on 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin has shown off his talent for skits on over 8 gagillion episodes of Saturday Night Live. He can also hold a tune. Singing isn't mandatory for guests stars on The Muppet Show (nor is holding a tune), but it helps!

Episode Highlight: After using a series of disguises and Ninja techniques to sneak past his bodyguards, Miss Piggy convinces Alec to sing a dressing room duet of "It Had to Be You."

5. Host: Ellen DeGeneres
She's one of the funniest people on that planet. That should be enough for anybody, but Ellen also has a unique style--she's warm, fuzzy, and charming as heck on the surface, but she also has a bit of a subversive streak to her material and some of her bits take gleefully absurdist tangents. If that doesn't say "Muppets," what does?

Episode Highlight: Whether she'd be comfortable warbling a tune remains uncertain, but she'll excel at doing "the mashed potato" alongside her new dance partner -- an 8-foot-tall pile of mashed potatoes -- in a sketch called "Dancing With the Spuds."

6. Host: Steve Martin
He was the all-time best guest star on The Muppet Show and he's still got the talent and the career to merit a repeat visit. When he originally hosted, he was the wild and crazy guy. What would the more eloquent, wry Martin bring to the table?

Episode Highlight: It takes a talented man to deliver an insightful commentary on the lesser-known works of Dostoyevsky while playing the banjo.

7. Host: Dwayne Johnson
Yeah, that's right. The Rock. The original series featured action stars like Roger Moore and Sylvester Stallone. You could argue that Dwayne is a better actor than both of them, and he's definitely funnier. We can easily imagine him singing "I Feel Pretty" with Gonzo.

Episode Highlight: "Can you smell what the Swedish Chef is cooking?"

8. Hosts: Penn & Teller
They need somebody to fill the vaudeville slot previously occupied by Shields and Yarnell, Mumenchantz, Senior Wences, and Doug Henning. If they seem a little to cruel for the Muppets, don't forget that the Muppets were the people who brought you Marvin Suggs.

Episode Highlight: Sawing Beaker, Animal, and Fozzie in half is the easy part. Getting the right tops reattached to the right bottoms could take the whole show.

9. Host: Dick Van Dyke
Thanks to Night in the Museum, we know he's still alive and dancing... And the man is a comedy legend. The Muppets excelled at paying tribute to THE GREATS. Who can forget watching the whole Muppet gang gather around to reverently watch George Burns or Gene Kelly? Dick Van Dyke deserves that kind of adulation.

Episode Highlight: Dick and Kermit duet on "The Sadder But Wiser Girl For Me."

10. Host: Bill O'Reilly
Okay, he'd be a terrible host, not because we disagree with him, but because he's humorless -- especially about himself. And you have to have a sense of humor about yourself to be a good guest star. We're only listing him because we'd love to see him deliver a “Muppet News Flash” so we can fulfill our dream of watching somebody drop anvils on his head.

Episode Highlight: O'Reilly reports on the late-breaking story of an in-flight mechanical error on a cargo plain full of live cows and bowling balls.

11. Hosts: Zac Efron (and the Cast of High School Musical)
This would be the modern answer to the original series episode featuring Mark Hamill and the Cast of Star Wars. (Special note to anybody who thinks comparing Star Wars to High School Musical denigrates the memory of the Star Wars films... we say it's too late for that. George Lucas already ruined our memories with the three prequels.)

Episode Highlight: Since we never actually see those kids put on a real high school musical, they finally get their chance when the cast turns the whole episode over to presenting a mangled version of Guys and Dolls.

12. Host: Weird Al
You may remember him as an 80's icon--sort of the human equivalent of a Rubik's Cube -- but Weird Al was no flash in the pan. He's still at it... and he's still really good! The secret to his success was his ability to make silly songs look easy, but he brought real cleverness and musical talent to the task. Al is a perfect guest star: The manic energy, the colorful clothes, the accordion... it's like he's a vision that came to Gonzo in a fever dream.

Episode Highlight: All of your favorite old-school Muppet songs crammed into a 3 minute polka medley.


Special Note For People Who Like Petitions: Due to "popular" demand, there is now a Facebook group called "Will Somebody Please Put The Muppet Show Back on the Air?"

More Fake Celebrity Death Rumors From Twitter

TheRealNietzsche God is dead! OMDG!

PeteTownsend Rock is dead, they said. :(

SamClemens I heard rumors of Mark Twain's death.

JLennon Luap Deirub I

F.T.C. Says Bloggers Must Give Full Disclosure

• I'm not wearing any pants.
• I can't be bothered to vote in local elections.
• I googled the actress who played Vicki on The Love Boat to see how she looks today. Attractive, but not my type.
• I had a brownie for breakfast.
• Growing up, I was afraid of the Spider Man segments of the Electric Company.
• I am afraid of spiders, but this is unrelated to anything on PBS.
• I own 56 CDs of show tunes, including 4 recordings of Sweeney Todd.
• Okay, I had TWO brownies for breakfast. There. Are you happy now?
• I think the original Star Wars movies are just okay. Also, I kind of liked the Ewoks. 
• I've never read The Catcher in the Rye.

A Simple Program to Make the World a Better Place

10: Search for musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
20: If musical exists that meets stated parameters, go to 40.
30: If musical that meets stated parameters does not exist, write musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
40: Produce musical.
50: Cast Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
60: Bask in the glory of it all.

Archetypical Twitter Posts

What Am I Doing?

Contemplating my navel
10:41 AM

Worrying about the erosion of privacy in the digital age
10:47 AM

Noticing the irony of last Twitter post
10:48 AM

Wishing I had the discipline to write one of those long, complicated blog posts
10:52 AM

Wishing I had some friends who didn't block my instant messages
10:55 AM

Crying out for attention for others
10:57 AM

Look at me!
10:58 AM

Look at me now!
10:59 AM

Now, now, now!
11:00 AM

Re-reading my own twitter posts and marveling at how fascinating I am
11:07 AM

Notable Names on the List of Other Beatles

The 5th Beatle: George Martin
The 6th Beatle: Pete Best
The 11th Beatle: Stuart Sutcliffe
The 39th Beatle: Peter O'Toole
The 153rd Beatle: Shari Lewis
The 207th Beatle: Charles de Gaulle
The 264th Beatle: George Takei
The 441st Beatle: Wilt Chamberlain
The 491st Beatle: Frank Oz
The 522nd Beatle: Jack Lemmon
The 796th Beatle: Truman Capote

In an Early Draft of the Watchmen Script, Alan Moore Explored Other Character Concepts for the Comedian

It's late at night. New York City. 1985.

A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.

Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"

Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.

Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.

The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.

Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."

Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.

Finalists for the Best Patent Award

The nominees are:

• The Heisenberg Compensator, patent by Dr. Emory Erickson
• The Positron Collider, patent by Dr. Egon Spengler
• The Flux Capacitor, patent by Dr. Emmett Brown
• Focused Erasure Procedure, patent by Dr. Howard Mierzwiak
• Earth, patent by Deep Thought

In Tribute to George Carlin: The Seven Words You Can't Text Message

S
P
F
C
CS
MF
T

Reflections on "The Rainbow Connection"

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
Wait--I can only name two.
One of them's this song, so that doesn't really count.
I guess that my theory's not true.

In Response to the AFI, We Present the 100 Worst Films

100. A Night at the Roxbury
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.

99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.

98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…

97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.

96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.

95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.

94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.

93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love Irish folk legends. In this film's defense, it's hard to hate anything that gives Warwick Davis work. He's sincerely kick-ass.

92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.

91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”

90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.

89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?

88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!

87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!

86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!

85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994

84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.

83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”

82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”

81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.

80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.

79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!

78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.

77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.

76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.

75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.

74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.

73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.

72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.

71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!


70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.


69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.

68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this is the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.

67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!

66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.

65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.

64. Flipper
Squeak!

63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!

60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!

59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?

58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.

57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!

56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.

55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.

54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.

53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.

52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.

51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.

50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.

49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.

48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.

47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”

46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.

45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.

44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)

43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky

42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.

41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!

40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”

39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.

38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!

37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.

36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.

35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.


34. Anaconda
There's no way an anaconda would ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.

33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.

32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.

31. Glitter
No comment.

30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”

29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.

28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!

27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.

26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…

25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.

24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”

23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.

22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.

21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!

20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?

19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.

18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.

17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.


16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.

15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.

14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.

13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.

12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!


11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.


10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.

9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”

8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.

7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.

6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!

5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!

4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.

3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!

2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!

1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.

Blame the Game: A History of Pandering for Votes by Attacking Video Games

The Year: 1978
The Game: Space Invaders
What the Politicians Said: Space Invaders will kill your children! This dangerous "game" gives players three "lives." This will clearly make children think they can get another life after they die, thereby causing kids to start killing themselves in droves thinking that they can instantly come back to life! Video games will promote teen suicide! Vote for us and we'll save your children from themselves!

The Year: 1993
The Game: Doom
What the Politicians Said: Okay, we were wrong about Space Invaders, Frogger, and Pac Man making kids jump off of buildings, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that we aren't RIGHT when we tell you that Doom will kill your children dead! This vile excuse for "entertainment" is different from the harmless games that came before it because it shows the violence happening from the point of view of the player. Since gamers are all stupid, we know for a fact that they will be unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Clearly Doom poses a danger that a real gun never could! Playing Doom will make your neighbor’s stupid kid murder your darling angel of a child! Vote for us or your children will surely die!!

The Year: 2001
The Game: Halo
What the Politicians Said: When you were kids, you played nice, safe, harmless games like Space Invaders. The aliens looked like little white boxes. But these new games that kids are playing today have deadly graphics! They are too lifelike -- There's no way for a kid to tell the difference between people in the real world and the alien monsters they kill on their Halo machines! Do we have to draw you a map? Don't you see how this will lead to big heaping piles of dead kids?

The Year: 2007
The Game: Manhunt
What the Politicians Said: While we have to admit that we were wrong again about Halo, we still have to warn you that the Nintendo Wii was the deadliest video game system ever! In games like Manhunt, players enact killings by actually waving their arms around in a vague simulation of real life chainsaw swinging action! This unprecedented level of immersion would -- absolutely, no doubt about it, we swear on a stack of bibles this time -- make those mentally unbalanced gamers finally snap! The experience they gain by wiggling the remote control joystick device will surely teach them everything they need to know about buying a gun, loading the ammunition, turning the safety off, bracing for the kickback, aiming, and firing! We're talking about kids killing kids here, people, so get scared and start voting for us!

The Year: 2010
The Game: Red Dead Redemption
What the Politicians Say: Studies now show that the average video game player is not a child at all and that their average age is actually 34. Considering this alarming data -- along with our history of pandering for votes by portraying gamers as evil, psychopathic, nut jobs for more than a quarter of a century now -- we have determined the obvious course of action: To protect our political careers, it is imperative that we raise the voting age to 35!

Other Theories Charles Darwin Developed On His Trip to the Galapagos Islands

The Theory of Penguins Being Totally Cute

The Theory of Iguanas Smelling Bad When There Are Too Many of Them In One Spot

The Theory that The S.S. Beagle Could Use a Woman's Touch

The Theory that Sea Lions Have Sharp Teeth

The Theory that You Can Balance an Egg Here

The Theory of Sleeping on Volcanic Rocks Being Bad for the Back

The Theory of Big Animals Eating Smaller Animals

The Theory of That Turtle Being so Huge I Bet I Could Ride it Like a Horse

An Open Letter to Stephen Sondheim

Dear Mr. Sondheim,

If you would permit us to be so bold, we have a suggestion for how you can take an already treasured song and make it even more emotionally resonant. In your musical Sunday in the Park With George, you illuminate George Seurat's passion for his work by showing his obsession with the details of his painting in the song "Finishing the Hat." What if instead of focusing on the hat, his concentration were instead being consumed by the monkey?

Look how the lyrics take on a new life when you change a single word:

Finishing the monkey
How you have to finish the monkey
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the monkey

Imagine how the audience will rise to their feet when they hear the emotional climax of the song:
Look, I made a monkey
Where there never was a monkey!

Yes, we know you'd have to add an extra beat to the song to accommodate the extra syllable, but don't you think it's worth it?

Please feel free to use these new lyrics. You don't even have to pay us.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year

“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”

Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime, Part 2

Study: The Predictive Qualities of Rob Reiner's Stand By Me

An Empirical Analysis Comparing the Futures of the Actor Wil Wheaton and the Character "Gordie Lachance" from Stand By Me

Finding Number 1: Stand By Me achieves mixed results in predicting the appearance of a 30-something Wil Wheaton.

a. In his adulthood, Wil Wheaton neither looks nor sounds like Richard Dreyfuss, the actor who portrayed the older version of Gordie Lachance.

b. Based on the appearances of both actors at the time of this study, Wil Wheaton continues to strongly resemble John Cusack who portrayed Gordie Lachance's brother Denny in the 1986 film.

Finding Number 2: There is a strong correlation between the career paths of the performer and the character

a. The real life Wil Wheaton and the fictional Gordie Lachance both grow up to be professional writers. Mr. Wheaton does not yet appear to have the same level of success as Mr. Lachance as seen in the film's coda. (It is estimated that Mr. Lachance's book sales are on par with Stephen King's.) However, Mr. Wheaton does appear to be more technically adept than his on-screen counterpart in that, unlike Mr. Lachance, he would most certainly know that he should save his manuscripts before turning off his computer.

Other Menu Items at Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies

Brunch:
Huevos Ranchers

Side Dishes:
French Fries
Italian Fries
Irish Fries
Fries of Mixed Ancestry
Broccoli Rabbi

Beverages:
Iced Teacher
Genius Ale
Stout Logger
Sam Adams

Appetizers:
Cobbler Salad

Desserts:
Bard Pudding
Chocolate Lawyer Cake

Entrees:
Jumbo Pimp
Fish and Chip

Created By Marketing Executives With Too Much Downtime, Part 1

These Domain Names Are All Available

In reviewing the traffic data for this website, we were surprised to notice that two distinct users came here after googling the term "whore in clown makeup." (If you're wondering why that search would point users to a site meant to provide visitors with funny things to read while they should be working, take a look at this entertaining, but decidedly non-perverted article.)

So, if you're an aspiring pornographer looking for a niche, be advised that apparently there are at least two people online who are willing to pay good money for sex with clowns. To help get you started in your entrepreneurial efforts, the following web addresses are all currently available for your use as of the time of this posting.

www.bozo-on-bozo-action.com
www.clowncarorgy.com
www.reallyreallyreallybigfootfetish.com
www.ringlingbrothersescorts.com
www.squeezemynose.com
www.hothobos.com
www.squirtingflowers.com
www.girlswhojuggle.com
www.baggypanties.com

Concept Albums for Your iPod, Part 2

Album Name: Add it Up

The Track List
1. Working for the Weekend - Loverboy
2. Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money) - Pet Shop Boys
3. The Math - Hillary Duff
4. Add it Up - Violent Femmes
5. Murder by Numbers - The Police
6. Lawyers, Guns, and Money - Warren Zevon
7. Criminal - Fiona Apple
8. Tell the Truth - Ray Charles
9. You're Not the Boss of Me Now - They Might Be Giants

The Plot (As explained by the Music Editor of Your College Newspaper)

Add it Up is arguably the best concept album since The Who's greatly under-appreciated Quadrophenia. The story concerns a Young Accountant who works for The Large Corporation. The Young Accountant is merely a low level worker (Working for the Weekend) but he dreams of climbing his way up the corporate ladder (Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money.)) The Young Accountant develops a romantic relationship with The Coworker (The Math.) While going through the books, they discover that The Large Corporation has been falsely reporting its earnings to illegally manipulate the stock price (Add it Up.) They confront The Boss, but he tells them that -- as a member of the privileged upper class -- he can do whatever he wants and that laws are for poor people. He insinuates that there will be dire consequences for the Young Accountant if he goes public (Murder by Numbers.) Although he wants to do the ethical thing, the Young Accountant realizes that he'd be taking a great risk if he blows the whistle on the Large Corporation. He searches for a way out of the dilemma (Lawyers, Guns, and Money) but ultimately concludes that if he doesn't come forward he is complicit in the fraud (Criminal.) He decides to go to the SEC (Tell the Truth.) He is fired from his job, but he is free to speak his mind when The Boss is taken away in handcuffs and indicted (You're Not the Boss of Me Now.)

Edward Scissorhands vs. Sweeney Todd

Edward Scissorhands hardly spoke at all.
Sweeney Todd won't stop singing!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd sought revenge against the terrorist from Die Hard.
Edward Scissorhands sought revenge against the geek from The Breakfast Club!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' beautiful topiaries make him the talk of the town.
Sweeney Todd's business doesn't have great word of mouth.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd's razors have handles made of chased silver.
Edward Scissorhand's scissors have handles made of... well, made of Edward!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands is so skinny, you want to take him out for a bite to eat.
Sweeney Todd is... well, you might want skip dinner and go straight to the movie.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Edward Scissorhands endears himself to the audience by stabbing a waterbed.
Sweeney Todd endears himself to the audience by stabbing Borat.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' presence adds a dark streak to a sunny suburban setting... much to the delight of his neighbors.
Sweeney Todd's presence adds splashes of color to a dark Victorian setting... much to the horror of the people who's colors are being splashed!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd helps make pies you'd never want to eat.
Edward Scissorhands attends Tupperware parties, for meals so yummy you'd happily eat the leftovers!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd cuts throats.
Edward Scissorhands mostly cuts his own face.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands looks like a young Tim "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" Burton.
Sweeney Todd looks like an old Tim "Planet of the Apes" Burton.
The winner is Helena Bonham Carter!

Sweeney Todd's razors make his arm "complete."
Edward Scissorhands has razors because he's "not finished."
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands dresses from head to toe in tight leather, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with a freaky leather fetish.
Sweeney Todd's hair looks like a giant skunk, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with an even freakier "furry" fetish.
The winner is Todd!

Pop Quiz: Is This Book by Stephen King or Jane Austen?

Section One: Books Named After Women
1. Emma
2. Carrie
3. Lady Susan
4. Lisey's Story
5. Christine
6. The Beautiful Cassandra

Section Two: Books Named After Groups of Women
7. The Woman in the Room
8. The Little Sisters of Eluria
9. The Three Sisters

Section Three: Books Who's Names Sound Like New Calvin Klein Fragrances
10. Different Seasons
11. Persuasion
12. Desperation

Section Four: Books Named After Places
13. The House on Value Street
14. Northanger Abbey
15. Mansfield Park
16. The Marsten House

Section Five: Books About This And That
17. The Begger and the Diamond
18. Sense and Sensibility

Highlight the "invisitext" below to check you answers.
1, 3, 6, 9, 11, 14, 15, and 18 are all by Jane Austen

Concept Albums for Your iPod, Part 1

Album Name: I Wanna Be Sedated

The Track List:
1. Sugar Sugar - The Archies
2. So Much Pain - Ja Rule
3. People - Barbra Streisand
4. Time - Lionel Richie
5. Vogue - Madonna
6. The Big Chair - Tears for Fears
7. I Wanna be Sedated - The Ramones
8. Novocaine for the Soul - The Eels
9. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
10. I'm Henry the 8th - Herman's Hermits
11. Wake Up - Alicia Keys
12. De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police
13. I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow

The Plot (As explained by a Really Deep Guy at a keg party):

See, there's this guy--just a regular guy--and like all men he has weaknesses. This guy's particular tragic flaw is that he has a sweat tooth (Sugar Sugar.) It's his thing. It brings him happiness. The trouble is, while he's burning his life away trying to get a sugar high, he develops a cavity, and the pain is totally killing him (So Much Pain.) So the guy goes to the dentist, but before he can be cured, he has to spend time in a waiting room reading boring magazine (People, Time, and Vogue.) It's like the waiting room is purgatory. Finally, he's called into the dentist's office and sits down in the chair (The Big Chair.) The drilling is going to be painful and this scares the man (I Wanna Be Sedated) so the doctor gives him a local anesthetic (Novocaine for the Soul.) At first, this helps the man ignore the pain (Comfortably Numb) but there are consequences to tuning out the pain--the novocaine causes the man to hallucinate (I'm Henry the 8th.) When the dentist is done filling the cavity, he has to wake the man up. Between the drilling and the novocaine and the new filling, the man can't speak clearly (Do Do Do Do, Da Da Da Da.) Once he has recovered and is able to eat again, the first thing he wants is more sugar (I Want Candy.) He's doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over again. It's all so beautifully tragic.

NPRCILF of the Month

Welcome to our monthly tribute to our favorite National Public Radio Commentators!

This month, we salute:
Sarah Vowell

Past NPRCILFs:
November: Sarah Vowell
December: Sarah Vowell
January: Sarah Vowell
February: Sarah Vowell
March: Sarah Vowell
April: Sarah Vowell

Behind the Scenes at a Real High School Musical

Meet the cast and crew of your local high school production of Grease.

Susan Malone (Sandy Dumbrowski): Has had her iPod set to play "Defying Gravity" from the cast album to Wicked on continuous repeat for two and a half weeks straight.

Mark Sullivan (Danny Zucko): Will have to wear extra pancake makeup in this semester's show to help cover up the acne caused by the pancake makeup in last semester's show.

Jake Hamlin (Kenickie): Still trying to master the subtle intricacies of the jazz square.

Courtney Lipton (Rizzo): Found some good costumes from Fiddler on the Roof in the back of the prop room and is now trying to figure out a way to work a bottle dance into Suessical.

Michael Puzzo (Doody): Is extremely superstitious about saying "MacBeth" because he heard that he was supposed to be.

Clark Birnbaum (Roger): All the jocks like to call him gay… even though he's the only one whose extracurricular activities involve sharing a changing room with girls.

Amy Crawford (Frenchy): Doesn't know that her acting career peeked back in the fifth grade when she appeared in a community theater production of Annie.

Jennifer Wolfe (Marty): Her parents used to think she was slouchy, but now they think she's Fosse-esq.

Brian Moore (Sonny): Not on the basketball team.

Steve Berg (Eugene): Also not on the basketball team.

Charlie Thompson (Johnny Casino): Has been rehearsing the big production number in the gym all week, but still doesn't know what the "hoopy" things are for.

Olivia Hutchins (Jan): Has memorized the entire score to Into the Woods, but has a hard time remembering 20 vocab words for the Spanish quiz on Friday.

Ray Wheeler (Vince Fontaine): Spends way too much time debating who would win in a fight—Audrey 2 or Trekkie Monster?

Vaughn Johnson (Teen Angel): Last week "borrowed" the "Greased Lightning" golf cart and got it up to 9 miles per hour on the open road.

Scott Miller (Chorus): Thinks that "thespian" is the funniest word in the English language.

Marci Lynch (Patty Simcox): Total egomaniac: Always has to be in the spotlight.

Jeremy Feinstein (Light Board Operator): Total enabler: Always needs to be operating the spotlight.

New Video Game Strategy Guides (For the Way You Really Play)

Halo 3

• Rent the game from Blockbuster. Go in the middle of the week. They have more games in stock then.
• Invite your best friend over to play. Your friend is cheap, so he will eagerly accept your offer to play games on your dime.
• Before entering the multi-player death match arena, you will be able to select what character you want to play as. The different characters have different levels of speed and armor and agility. Select the character with the biggest hooters.
• When the level starts, run and hide until you find the Scarab Gun -- It’s the best weapon in the game.
• Shoot your friend.
• As soon as he re-spawns, hunt your friend down and shoot him again before he has time to pick up a weapon.
• Run up to his corpse and shoot him in the crotch as many times as you can. Shoot fast—you will only have a few seconds before his body fades away.
• Repeat the process as often as possible before the time limit on the match runs out.
• If, by some chance, your friend manages to grab a rocket launcher before you can kill him, just get up close to him and taunt him. He sucks with the rocket launcher and always ends up blowing himself up.

God of War 2

• When you reach Typhon's Cavernous Prison, be sure to load up on Mountain Dew. You’re going to need it.
• Suck up your pride and have the neighbors’ kid come over to help you get past the Mighty Titan.
• When the phone rings, don’t answer it. It’s your boss, wondering when you’ll be into the office.
• After you leave the Temple of the Oracle, you will see an animated cut scene that advances the plot. Use this opportunity to take a pee break. Pee quickly—you’ll only have 27 seconds before the cut scene ends.
• By the time you must face off against the Juggernauts near the Throne of the Fates, the phone should be ringing fairly regularly. It’s your friends and loved ones. They are concerned about your well being. Use the Atlas Quake attack combo to defeat the Cyclopes and you will be able to open the gate to the next level.
• Give up trying to beat the Zeus boss level and sell the game on eBay.

NBA 2K7

The key to a good game is to have plenty of trash talk handy to show your friends who’s the boss and who’s the biyatch. Be sure to use these phrases often.
• “Yeah, that’s right! I’m the king! Bow down to the King! Bow down and kiss the ring!”
• “Are you trying to block me? Don’t bother! You can’t stop me! I’m unstoppable!”
• “You can’t seem to make a good lay-up today. Is your controller broken or do you just suck ass?”
• “You’re a dead man now!”
• “Why can't you make a jump shot? Why can't you get any air? Is it asthma?”

If the fates turn against you and your friends start winning, they may try using the following taunt:
• “Are you gonna cry now? Do you want your Mommy?”
Don’t panic. Just use this tried and tested counter-strategy:
• “That’s okay, I had your mommy just last night.”

Wii Sports

• Wave your arms around.
• No, faster.
• Good. Keep doing that.

The Straight Guy’s Guide to Musicals

With the success of Chicago, High School Musical, Wicked, Hairspray, and even Glee, it's time to face the facts: Musicals are making a comeback. If you don't know your Sondheim from your Shaiman, don't feeling left out -- This handy guide will have you up to speed in no time!

Shows to Know

With so many musicals out there, how do you know where to start? Here's a list of some shows you should be familiar with.

West Side Story: You'll like it. Characters like Riff, Bernardo, and Action are uber-cool. It may be hard to believe that members of a street gang can dance...

...but it's much harder to believe that Jews can dance in Fiddler on The Roof!

The Music Man: Okay, this features some barbershop music, which makes it kinda lame. But, to make up for it, it features lots of great patter songs. Patter, basically, means instead of singing notes, you just speak rhythmically. In other words, The Music Man was The Birth of Rap Music! And, since the title character is a con artist, I think it also qualifies as Gangsta Rap!

Guys and Dolls: If you get the chance, see a local high school production of this classic musical. Yes, you could always just rent the movie, but we assure you that your neighbors' kids can sing better than Marlon Brando and act better than Frank Sinatra!

Hair: This revolutionary musical had nudity. It had drugs and rock and roll, too, but the real creative innovation was the nudity.

Damn Yankees: You haven't seen this musical and you call yourself a guy? It's got Satan and baseball. What more could you want? A scantily clad sex kitten? Okay, your wish is granted!

Godspell: Jesus Christ! No, seriously, it's about a singing, tap-dancing Jesus Christ. This musical is The Gospel According to Saint Matthew set to catchy 60s rock melodies. Fun Fact: the original cast featured Maria from Sesame Street playing a whore in clown makeup.

Grease: Before it was a movie, it was a stage show that had the decency to sound like the 50s--no freaking disco music! And no stupid "Sandy! I thought you were in Australia!" line, either!


Sweeney Todd: This musical about cannibalism will have you humming and retching at the same time!

Chess, The Musical: Do you ever ask yourself, "What happened to the guys from ABBA?" The answer is Chess, The Musical. Have you been searching for an 80’s pop song about the red-light districts of Thailand that features an inexplicably long flute solo? Please see Chess, The Musical, Act 2, Scene 1, "One Night in Bangkok." Do you pray to the sweet Lord above to create a patch of common ground between the geeks from the high school chess club and the geeks from the high school theater club so that these two warring factions can finally be united and a new era of peace may begin? The Lord has heard your prayers and behold! He gives you Chess, the Musical.


Phantom of the Opera: You don't need to buy an expensive Broadway ticket to see Phantom. Just check out director Joel Schumacher's movie version of this musical tale of a man who lives in an underground cave, coming out only at night in the shadow of darkness. On second thought, considering what happened the last time he directed a movie about a guy in a costume hiding in a cave, maybe you should skip it.


Cats: Okay, I know we're trying to help you get over your fear of musicals, but this show really is your worst nightmare. Here's an analogy-- Cats is to Great Musicals what Garfield is to Great Movies! Avoid this hairball at all costs!

Les Miz: This is a really long musical, but if you have a test tomorrow in your English class on the really long book and you haven't started reading it yet, listening to the cast album is a going to be a faster way to cram. Just remember that the novel and the musical are a little different, so DON'T write an essay about how your favorite part of the book was the singing prostitutes.

The Producers: This hit Broadway musical about a hit Broadway musical was made into a movie based on the musical based on the movie about a musical based on Hitler.

People to Know

Stephen Sondheim

Nothing before Stephen Sondheim matters. Sondheim is God. He's the King of Rhyme. It's like the man ate a rhyming dictionary and craps out couplets. Looking for some truly old school tracks? Forget Run DMC and pick up Sunday in the Park With George!

Sondheim changed the very nature of musicals for ever! Even the types of characters depicted in shows change:

Musicals Before Steve -- Socialites, Cowboys, and Ingenues
Musicals After Steve -- Serial Murderers, Assassins, and Sex Slaves

Sondheim took lyrics to a whole new level:

Lyrics Before Steve:
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye

Lyrics After Steve:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it

Bob Fosse: Choreographer, Director, Pervert

Fosse pioneered the use of having people dance around in skimpy underwear. He taught chorus girls how to bump and grind. He would have dancers do things with chairs that made all the seats in the audience jealous. His pioneering work on hot shows like Chicago and Cabaret taught Brittney, Madonna, and every boy band out there how to molest furniture for fun and profit.

Bernadette Peters

The beloved Bernadette Peters is a quadruple threat: She can sing, she can act, she can dance, and she can be a special guest host on Regis and Kelly without losing her dignity!

Gallons of Fake Blood!

Most guys like action movies with lots of senseless killing. If it's a high body count you're looking for, look no further than these musicals:
- In West Side Story, 3 characters get custom fitted with chalk outlines. (It's the classic story of Boy meets Girl, Boy gets shot in the back, Girl starts waving gun around in a menacing fashion.)
- Into the Woods may be based on fairy tales, but that doesn't stop the flow of blood! 7 people won't be making it out of the show alive...
- In Les Miserables, they kill off 4 notable characters (which isn't much considering it's about the Paris Uprising.)
- In Sweeney Todd, a tuneful musical about a serial killer, 9 people bite the dust. (7 throat slittings, one shooting death, and one person burned alive in an oven! Awesome!)
- You've probably never heard of an obscure and funny little show called Something's Afoot, but it still gets the award for "Most Violent Show of All Times!" Why? It kills off the ENTIRE CAST! This is the only musical without a big finale… because there’s nobody left to sing it!

Abstract Expressionist Emoticons

7)*                 (Still Life With Bottle of Wine)
",?                 (Portrait of the Artist's Mother)
chEe5E        (Exile from Eden)
pp&             (Waterlilies)
...                  (Aphrodite and Pygmalion)
*\!                 (Self Portrait With Victrola)
+%               (The Dream of Summer)
#                   (Paris at Dusk)
,,.{                (Dancers at the Ballet)
-j@              (Four Cathedrals)

Upcoming Episodes of Law and Order: Scooby Doo Unit

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the meddling kids, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

Episode 401: A routine haunting turns out to be part of a conspiracy between a prominent stockbroker, the Russian Mob, and Mr. Gompers, the groundskeeper.

Episode 402: A turf war ensues when Federal prosecutors want Assistant District Attorney Michael Cutter (Linus Roache) to grant immunity to a defendant in a smuggling case so he will testify in the Federal case against the Abominable Snowman.

Episode 403: A trial turns into a media circus when celebrity guest stars The Harlem Globetrotters are called as witnesses.

Episode 404: The kids catch a jewel thief, but will Cutter be able to be convict him when his defense attorney uses an insanity plea? After interviewing the defendant, Police Psychiatrist Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong) admits that dressing up as The Ghost Knight of Castle Von Brooksworth is “pretty damn loony.”

Episode 405: A judge instructs the jury to disregard Velma’s eyewitness testimony after she admits under cross-examination that she had lost her glasses and “was as blind as a bat.”

Episode 406: In a story ripped from the pages of the gothic novels of Mary Shelley, Scooby and Shaggy capture Frankenstein. District Attorney Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston) faces political pressure to drop the case when the Governor turns out to be an old friend of Frankenstein.

Episode 407: Scooby and Shaggy capture The Phantom of the Lighthouse by pushing him in a mine-cart and rolling it down a flight of stairs. Will he go free when his lawyer accuses the kids of police brutality?

Episode 408: In order to convict a man who dressed up like a mummy and stole ancient Egyptian treasure, the District Attorney’s office will have to convince a judge that just because Fred set a trap does not mean that he’s guilty of entrapment.

Episode 409: A judge throws out a confession on the grounds that, since the defendant was tied up with rope at the time, it was made under duress.

Episode 410: Fred and Daphne determine that the Zombie King is really Professor Logan in disguise. It’s up to the State Court of Appeals to determine if ripping off his mask constitutes an unlawful search and seizure.

Episode 411: Charges are dropped against a man who pretended to be The Creature from The Lake when, after researching the relevant case law, Assistant District Attorney Connie Rubirosa (Alana De La Garz) learns that it’s not even a crime to scare the tourists away so that you can drill for oil.