New Video Game Strategy Guides (For the Way You Really Play)

Halo 3

• Rent the game from Blockbuster. Go in the middle of the week. They have more games in stock then.
• Invite your best friend over to play. Your friend is cheap, so he will eagerly accept your offer to play games on your dime.
• Before entering the multi-player death match arena, you will be able to select what character you want to play as. The different characters have different levels of speed and armor and agility. Select the character with the biggest hooters.
• When the level starts, run and hide until you find the Scarab Gun -- It’s the best weapon in the game.
• Shoot your friend.
• As soon as he re-spawns, hunt your friend down and shoot him again before he has time to pick up a weapon.
• Run up to his corpse and shoot him in the crotch as many times as you can. Shoot fast—you will only have a few seconds before his body fades away.
• Repeat the process as often as possible before the time limit on the match runs out.
• If, by some chance, your friend manages to grab a rocket launcher before you can kill him, just get up close to him and taunt him. He sucks with the rocket launcher and always ends up blowing himself up.

God of War 2

• When you reach Typhon's Cavernous Prison, be sure to load up on Mountain Dew. You’re going to need it.
• Suck up your pride and have the neighbors’ kid come over to help you get past the Mighty Titan.
• When the phone rings, don’t answer it. It’s your boss, wondering when you’ll be into the office.
• After you leave the Temple of the Oracle, you will see an animated cut scene that advances the plot. Use this opportunity to take a pee break. Pee quickly—you’ll only have 27 seconds before the cut scene ends.
• By the time you must face off against the Juggernauts near the Throne of the Fates, the phone should be ringing fairly regularly. It’s your friends and loved ones. They are concerned about your well being. Use the Atlas Quake attack combo to defeat the Cyclopes and you will be able to open the gate to the next level.
• Give up trying to beat the Zeus boss level and sell the game on eBay.

NBA 2K7

The key to a good game is to have plenty of trash talk handy to show your friends who’s the boss and who’s the biyatch. Be sure to use these phrases often.
• “Yeah, that’s right! I’m the king! Bow down to the King! Bow down and kiss the ring!”
• “Are you trying to block me? Don’t bother! You can’t stop me! I’m unstoppable!”
• “You can’t seem to make a good lay-up today. Is your controller broken or do you just suck ass?”
• “You’re a dead man now!”
• “Why can't you make a jump shot? Why can't you get any air? Is it asthma?”

If the fates turn against you and your friends start winning, they may try using the following taunt:
• “Are you gonna cry now? Do you want your Mommy?”
Don’t panic. Just use this tried and tested counter-strategy:
• “That’s okay, I had your mommy just last night.”

Wii Sports

• Wave your arms around.
• No, faster.
• Good. Keep doing that.