From the New Issue of Modern Groom Magazine

How NOT to Propose

• DON’T wait for her to ask you.
• DON’T send her an e-mail with the subject heading “Will you marry me?”
• When telling her all of the things you love about her, DON’T mention her “great rack.”
• DON’T do it during a commercial break.
• DO surprise her, but DON’T sneak up behind her.
• DON’T use the phrase “If you know what’s good for you.”
• If you can’t afford to place an ad on a billboard, DON’T take one out in the “Help Wanted” section.

Fashion Report

Not sure what tuxedo to buy for your special day? Well, we’ve got some tips for you.

What’s Hot: The hot color this season is black. You might want to consider black pants and a black jacket. These can be contrasted with a white tuxedo shirt. Accessorize the outfit with a black tie, a black comberbon, and black shoes. Viola! You’re ready to go!

What’s Not: For the 28th consecutive year, powder blue tuxedos are out.

Be sure to buy next month’s Modern Groom Magazine, where we’ll have a special feature on how not to panic when you realize that the cater-waiters are wearing the same thing as you are.

Buying the Ring -- The Four Bs

How can you tell the difference between a good engagement ring and a bad one? If you’ve gone shopping for diamonds with your girlfriend, you are no doubt familiar with the “4 Cs” that diamonds are rated by: Carat, Cut, Color, and Clarity. But the 4 Cs are a load of the 5th C – Crap.

The real way to judge a diamond is by using the 4 Bs. Go into a jewelers alone, make sure there are no women around, and ask them to explain what really makes a great diamond. They’ll tell you that the 4 Bs are:

Bargain: This is a measure of the discount you can get from your friend who dates somebody who’s brother is the dentist of the guy who works at the jewelers.

Blinding: This measures how shiny the ring is. The best rings will cast bright shafts of light around a room like a miniature disco ball.

Boasting: When she’s shows her ring to all of her friends, they’re all going to be sizing it up against their own. You’ll want to make sure that she has the most impressive ring so that she can feel superior.

Bucks: You’ve probably been told that women are more romantic than men. That’s a big load of the fifth B – Bull. Women don’t want a ring that shows how much you love them, they want one that show’s how much you’ll spend on them.


Best Man’s Corner -- How to Toast the Happy Couple

Being the Best Man is a great honor, but it comes with a lot of responsibilities. You’ll be responsible for seating guests, walking the bride’s Grandmother down the isle, and keeping the groom from trying to sneak out of the church. But your job isn’t done when they say “I do.” You’re hardest task is still ahead of you: The toast.

The bad news is that you’ll have to speak in front of a large group of people. The good news is that since the toast will come a few hours into the reception, you’ll be too drunk to care.

If you’re not sure what to say in your toast, here’s a list of some of the key points that all wedding toasts should include:

• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did in high school while he was drunk.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did in college while he was stoned.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did at the bachelor party.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about how the bride and groom really met.
• Passing comment about how you don’t really know the bride, but that she seems nice so far.