Edward Scissorhands vs. Sweeney Todd

Edward Scissorhands hardly spoke at all.
Sweeney Todd won't stop singing!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd sought revenge against the terrorist from Die Hard.
Edward Scissorhands sought revenge against the geek from The Breakfast Club!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' beautiful topiaries make him the talk of the town.
Sweeney Todd's business doesn't have great word of mouth.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd's razors have handles made of chased silver.
Edward Scissorhand's scissors have handles made of... well, made of Edward!
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands is so skinny, you want to take him out for a bite to eat.
Sweeney Todd is... well, you might want skip dinner and go straight to the movie.
The winner is Scissorhands!

Edward Scissorhands endears himself to the audience by stabbing a waterbed.
Sweeney Todd endears himself to the audience by stabbing Borat.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands' presence adds a dark streak to a sunny suburban setting... much to the delight of his neighbors.
Sweeney Todd's presence adds splashes of color to a dark Victorian setting... much to the horror of the people who's colors are being splashed!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd helps make pies you'd never want to eat.
Edward Scissorhands attends Tupperware parties, for meals so yummy you'd happily eat the leftovers!
The winner is Scissorhands!

Sweeney Todd cuts throats.
Edward Scissorhands mostly cuts his own face.
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands looks like a young Tim "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" Burton.
Sweeney Todd looks like an old Tim "Planet of the Apes" Burton.
The winner is Helena Bonham Carter!

Sweeney Todd's razors make his arm "complete."
Edward Scissorhands has razors because he's "not finished."
The winner is Todd!

Edward Scissorhands dresses from head to toe in tight leather, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with a freaky leather fetish.
Sweeney Todd's hair looks like a giant skunk, which is sure to make him a sex symbol for people with an even freakier "furry" fetish.
The winner is Todd!

Pop Quiz: Is This Book by Stephen King or Jane Austen?

Section One: Books Named After Women
1. Emma
2. Carrie
3. Lady Susan
4. Lisey's Story
5. Christine
6. The Beautiful Cassandra

Section Two: Books Named After Groups of Women
7. The Woman in the Room
8. The Little Sisters of Eluria
9. The Three Sisters

Section Three: Books Who's Names Sound Like New Calvin Klein Fragrances
10. Different Seasons
11. Persuasion
12. Desperation

Section Four: Books Named After Places
13. The House on Value Street
14. Northanger Abbey
15. Mansfield Park
16. The Marsten House

Section Five: Books About This And That
17. The Begger and the Diamond
18. Sense and Sensibility

Highlight the "invisitext" below to check you answers.
1, 3, 6, 9, 11, 14, 15, and 18 are all by Jane Austen. The others are by Stephen King.

Concept Albums for Your iPod, Part 1

Album Name: I Wanna Be Sedated

The Track List:
1. Sugar Sugar - The Archies
2. So Much Pain - Ja Rule
3. People - Barbra Streisand
4. Time - Lionel Richie
5. Vogue - Madonna
6. The Big Chair - Tears for Fears
7. I Wanna be Sedated - The Ramones
8. Novocaine for the Soul - The Eels
9. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
10. I'm Henry the 8th - Herman's Hermits
11. Wake Up - Alicia Keys
12. De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police
13. I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow

The Plot (As explained by a Really Deep Guy at a keg party):

See, there's this guy--just a regular guy--and like all men he has weaknesses. This guy's particular tragic flaw is that he has a sweat tooth (Sugar Sugar.) It's his thing. It brings him happiness. The trouble is, while he's burning his life away trying to get a sugar high, he develops a cavity, and the pain is totally killing him (So Much Pain.) So the guy goes to the dentist, but before he can be cured, he has to spend time in a waiting room reading boring magazine (People, Time, and Vogue.) It's like the waiting room is purgatory. Finally, he's called into the dentist's office and sits down in the chair (The Big Chair.) The drilling is going to be painful and this scares the man (I Wanna Be Sedated) so the doctor gives him a local anesthetic (Novocaine for the Soul.) At first, this helps the man ignore the pain (Comfortably Numb) but there are consequences to tuning out the pain--the novocaine causes the man to hallucinate (I'm Henry the 8th.) When the dentist is done filling the cavity, he has to wake the man up. Between the drilling and the novocaine and the new filling, the man can't speak clearly (Do Do Do Do, Da Da Da Da.) Once he has recovered and is able to eat again, the first thing he wants is more sugar (I Want Candy.) He's doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over again. It's all so beautifully tragic.