60 Minutes Uncut
posted by The Editors at
10:06 PM
2 Comments
Monday, October 29, 2007
Strategy for Fighting the War on Christmas
Merry Christmas!
In case you hadn't notice, the holiday season is officially here. In fact, it began at least as early as October 1st this year, when I saw the first Christmas themed ad. (This year's official winner for the first ad of the season goes to the producers of Fred Clause, which appears to be a delightful little romp starring Vince Vaughn as Santa's brother Fred. From the looks of it, it will be full of sassy humor with an leave you with an uplifting holiday message. Spoiler alert: The true meaning of Christmas may have something to do with love and spending time with your family.)
Slowly but surely, Christmas moves earlier every year. It used to be that the decorations went up at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. Then it drifted earlier into November. Then it hit the point where the green garlands and red bows were going up while the pumpkins were still out for Halloween. And now we've made it all the way to October 1st. Christmas is officially a three month celebration.
Which brings us to the War on Christmas. If you listen to Bill O'Reilly talk, Christmas is in grave peril. Some of the festivities surrounding the three month celebration of Christmas -- the uninterrupted stream of songs on the radio, the mall decorations, the Christmas-themed TV commercials, episodes, and specials -- use the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas." For some reason, every time a Top 40 station plays "Winter Wonderland" instead of "White Christmas," he thinks Christmas dies a little bit inside. He wants Christmas to be in your face, 24 hours a day, and with full-on explicit Christmas-on-Christmas action. When you wish a friend "Happy Holidays" in or around the area of December 25th, Bill O'Reilly hears that statement as being a secret code for "I hate Jesus and the people who worship him."
Well, if Bill O'Reilly wants a war, he's got one! It's not just in his sick, feeble, paranoid head anymore--I declare War on Christmas! And I've drawn up battle plans, too. My strategy revolves around the notion of a proportionate response. I maintain that Christmas fired the first shot in this war (and they aimed it straight at my sanity) by starting the oppressive onslaught of holiday cheer some 84 days ahead of the actual observation of the true holiday. Therefore, I'm responding in kind: If somebody thinks they need 84 days to build up to Christmas, I say let's have 84 days to wind down from Christmas.
This strategy works because of the following strange fact--although there's a trend to start forcing the Christmas spirit down every body's throats months ahead of time, once the actual day has come and gone... people get over it pretty quickly. Forget the 12 days of Christmas -- it's usually a distant memory a few days later! By the time people are deciding what New Year's Eve party to go to, it's ancient history. Christmas, as observed, is all build up, followed by a massive anti-climax.
This leaves an opening to highlight the annoying absurdity of starting Christmas in October. Instead of just wishing people a "Merry Christmas" before December 25th, I plan to keep on saying it AFTER Christmas. Way after Christmas. 84 days after Christmas. The phrases "Hello" and "Have a nice day" are going to be removed from my daily conversations and replaced with "Merry Christmas" all the way through March. If you'll join with me, we could have a serious movement on our hands.
It will be annoying. It will go on to long. And it will hopefully show the retailers, advertisers, and the Bill O'Reillys of the world how overbearing the protracted celebration has become. And maybe they'll show more restraint next year. For every day they hold back on starting Christmas, I'll stop celebrating a day earlier too. Then, maybe one day, the holiday season will be brought back down to size again. And when that day of moderation comes, the war will be over, and we can all live in peace.
In case you hadn't notice, the holiday season is officially here. In fact, it began at least as early as October 1st this year, when I saw the first Christmas themed ad. (This year's official winner for the first ad of the season goes to the producers of Fred Clause, which appears to be a delightful little romp starring Vince Vaughn as Santa's brother Fred. From the looks of it, it will be full of sassy humor with an leave you with an uplifting holiday message. Spoiler alert: The true meaning of Christmas may have something to do with love and spending time with your family.)
Slowly but surely, Christmas moves earlier every year. It used to be that the decorations went up at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. Then it drifted earlier into November. Then it hit the point where the green garlands and red bows were going up while the pumpkins were still out for Halloween. And now we've made it all the way to October 1st. Christmas is officially a three month celebration.
Which brings us to the War on Christmas. If you listen to Bill O'Reilly talk, Christmas is in grave peril. Some of the festivities surrounding the three month celebration of Christmas -- the uninterrupted stream of songs on the radio, the mall decorations, the Christmas-themed TV commercials, episodes, and specials -- use the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas." For some reason, every time a Top 40 station plays "Winter Wonderland" instead of "White Christmas," he thinks Christmas dies a little bit inside. He wants Christmas to be in your face, 24 hours a day, and with full-on explicit Christmas-on-Christmas action. When you wish a friend "Happy Holidays" in or around the area of December 25th, Bill O'Reilly hears that statement as being a secret code for "I hate Jesus and the people who worship him."
Well, if Bill O'Reilly wants a war, he's got one! It's not just in his sick, feeble, paranoid head anymore--I declare War on Christmas! And I've drawn up battle plans, too. My strategy revolves around the notion of a proportionate response. I maintain that Christmas fired the first shot in this war (and they aimed it straight at my sanity) by starting the oppressive onslaught of holiday cheer some 84 days ahead of the actual observation of the true holiday. Therefore, I'm responding in kind: If somebody thinks they need 84 days to build up to Christmas, I say let's have 84 days to wind down from Christmas.
This strategy works because of the following strange fact--although there's a trend to start forcing the Christmas spirit down every body's throats months ahead of time, once the actual day has come and gone... people get over it pretty quickly. Forget the 12 days of Christmas -- it's usually a distant memory a few days later! By the time people are deciding what New Year's Eve party to go to, it's ancient history. Christmas, as observed, is all build up, followed by a massive anti-climax.
This leaves an opening to highlight the annoying absurdity of starting Christmas in October. Instead of just wishing people a "Merry Christmas" before December 25th, I plan to keep on saying it AFTER Christmas. Way after Christmas. 84 days after Christmas. The phrases "Hello" and "Have a nice day" are going to be removed from my daily conversations and replaced with "Merry Christmas" all the way through March. If you'll join with me, we could have a serious movement on our hands.
It will be annoying. It will go on to long. And it will hopefully show the retailers, advertisers, and the Bill O'Reillys of the world how overbearing the protracted celebration has become. And maybe they'll show more restraint next year. For every day they hold back on starting Christmas, I'll stop celebrating a day earlier too. Then, maybe one day, the holiday season will be brought back down to size again. And when that day of moderation comes, the war will be over, and we can all live in peace.
posted by The Editors at
10:05 PM
1 Comments
Behind the Scenes at a Real High School Musical
Meet the cast and crew of your local high school production of Grease.
Susan Malone (Sandy Dumbrowski): Has had her iPod set to play "Defying Gravity" from the cast album to Wicked on continuous repeat for two and a half weeks straight.
Mark Sullivan (Danny Zucko): Will have to wear extra pancake makeup in this semester's show to help cover up the acne caused by the pancake makeup in last semester's show.
Jake Hamlin (Kenickie): Still trying to master the subtle intricacies of the jazz square.
Courtney Lipton (Rizzo): Found some good costumes from Fiddler on the Roof in the back of the prop room and is now trying to figure out a way to work a bottle dance into Suessical.
Michael Puzzo (Doody): Is extremely superstitious about saying "MacBeth" because he heard that he was supposed to be.
Clark Birnbaum (Roger): All the jocks like to call him gay… even though he's the only one whose extracurricular activities involve sharing a changing room with girls.
Amy Crawford (Frenchy): Doesn't know that her acting career peeked back in the fifth grade when she appeared in a community theater production of Annie.
Jennifer Wolfe (Marty): Her parents used to think she was slouchy, but now they think she's Fosse-esq.
Brian Moore (Sonny): Not on the basketball team.
Steve Berg (Eugene): Also not on the basketball team.
Charlie Thompson (Johnny Casino): Has been rehearsing the big production number in the gym all week, but still doesn't know what the "hoopy" things are for.
Olivia Hutchins (Jan): Has memorized the entire score to Into the Woods, but has a hard time remembering 20 vocab words for the Spanish quiz on Friday.
Ray Wheeler (Vince Fontaine): Spends way too much time debating who would win in a fight—Audrey 2 or Trekkie Monster?
Vaughn Johnson (Teen Angel): Last week "borrowed" the "Greased Lightning" golf cart and got it up to 9 miles per hour on the open road.
Scott Miller (Chorus): Thinks that "thespian" is the funniest word in the English language.
Marci Lynch (Patty Simcox): Total egomaniac: Always has to be in the spotlight.
Jeremy Feinstein (Light Board Operator): Total enabler: Always needs to be operating the spotlight.
Susan Malone (Sandy Dumbrowski): Has had her iPod set to play "Defying Gravity" from the cast album to Wicked on continuous repeat for two and a half weeks straight.
Mark Sullivan (Danny Zucko): Will have to wear extra pancake makeup in this semester's show to help cover up the acne caused by the pancake makeup in last semester's show.
Jake Hamlin (Kenickie): Still trying to master the subtle intricacies of the jazz square.
Courtney Lipton (Rizzo): Found some good costumes from Fiddler on the Roof in the back of the prop room and is now trying to figure out a way to work a bottle dance into Suessical.
Michael Puzzo (Doody): Is extremely superstitious about saying "MacBeth" because he heard that he was supposed to be.
Clark Birnbaum (Roger): All the jocks like to call him gay… even though he's the only one whose extracurricular activities involve sharing a changing room with girls.
Amy Crawford (Frenchy): Doesn't know that her acting career peeked back in the fifth grade when she appeared in a community theater production of Annie.
Jennifer Wolfe (Marty): Her parents used to think she was slouchy, but now they think she's Fosse-esq.
Brian Moore (Sonny): Not on the basketball team.
Steve Berg (Eugene): Also not on the basketball team.
Charlie Thompson (Johnny Casino): Has been rehearsing the big production number in the gym all week, but still doesn't know what the "hoopy" things are for.
Olivia Hutchins (Jan): Has memorized the entire score to Into the Woods, but has a hard time remembering 20 vocab words for the Spanish quiz on Friday.
Ray Wheeler (Vince Fontaine): Spends way too much time debating who would win in a fight—Audrey 2 or Trekkie Monster?
Vaughn Johnson (Teen Angel): Last week "borrowed" the "Greased Lightning" golf cart and got it up to 9 miles per hour on the open road.
Scott Miller (Chorus): Thinks that "thespian" is the funniest word in the English language.
Marci Lynch (Patty Simcox): Total egomaniac: Always has to be in the spotlight.
Jeremy Feinstein (Light Board Operator): Total enabler: Always needs to be operating the spotlight.
Labels: Musicals
posted by The Editors at
10:04 PM
0 Comments
New Video Game Strategy Guides (For the Way You Really Play)
Halo 3
• Rent the game from Blockbuster. Go in the middle of the week. They have more games in stock then.
• Invite your best friend over to play. Your friend is cheap, so he will eagerly accept your offer to play games on your dime.
• Before entering the multi-player death match arena, you will be able to select what character you want to play as. The different characters have different levels of speed and armor and agility. Select the character with the biggest hooters.
• When the level starts, run and hide until you find the Scarab Gun -- It’s the best weapon in the game.
• Shoot your friend.
• As soon as he re-spawns, hunt your friend down and shoot him again before he has time to pick up a weapon.
• Run up to his corpse and shoot him in the crotch as many times as you can. Shoot fast—you will only have a few seconds before his body fades away.
• Repeat the process as often as possible before the time limit on the match runs out.
• If, by some chance, your friend manages to grab a rocket launcher before you can kill him, just get up close to him and taunt him. He sucks with the rocket launcher and always ends up blowing himself up.
God of War 2
• When you reach Typhon's Cavernous Prison, be sure to load up on Mountain Dew. You’re going to need it.
• Suck up your pride and have the neighbors’ kid come over to help you get past the Mighty Titan.
• When the phone rings, don’t answer it. It’s your boss, wondering when you’ll be into the office.
• After you leave the Temple of the Oracle, you will see an animated cut scene that advances the plot. Use this opportunity to take a pee break. Pee quickly—you’ll only have 27 seconds before the cut scene ends.
• By the time you must face off against the Juggernauts near the Throne of the Fates, the phone should be ringing fairly regularly. It’s your friends and loved ones. They are concerned about your well being. Use the Atlas Quake attack combo to defeat the Cyclopes and you will be able to open the gate to the next level.
• Give up trying to beat the Zeus boss level and sell the game on eBay.
NBA 2K7
The key to a good game is to have plenty of trash talk handy to show your friends who’s the boss and who’s the biyatch. Be sure to use these phrases often.
• “Yeah, that’s right! I’m the king! Bow down to the King! Bow down and kiss the ring!”
• “Are you trying to block me? Don’t bother! You can’t stop me! I’m unstoppable!”
• “You can’t seem to make a good lay-up today. Is your controller broken or do you just suck ass?”
• “You’re a dead man now!”
• “Why can't you make a jump shot? Why can't you get any air? Is it asthma?”
If the fates turn against you and your friends start winning, they may try using the following taunt:
• “Are you gonna cry now? Do you want your Mommy?”
Don’t panic. Just use this tried and tested counter-strategy:
• “That’s okay, I had your mommy just last night.”
Wii Sports
• Wave your arms around.
• No, faster.
• Good. Keep doing that.
• Rent the game from Blockbuster. Go in the middle of the week. They have more games in stock then.
• Invite your best friend over to play. Your friend is cheap, so he will eagerly accept your offer to play games on your dime.
• Before entering the multi-player death match arena, you will be able to select what character you want to play as. The different characters have different levels of speed and armor and agility. Select the character with the biggest hooters.
• When the level starts, run and hide until you find the Scarab Gun -- It’s the best weapon in the game.
• Shoot your friend.
• As soon as he re-spawns, hunt your friend down and shoot him again before he has time to pick up a weapon.
• Run up to his corpse and shoot him in the crotch as many times as you can. Shoot fast—you will only have a few seconds before his body fades away.
• Repeat the process as often as possible before the time limit on the match runs out.
• If, by some chance, your friend manages to grab a rocket launcher before you can kill him, just get up close to him and taunt him. He sucks with the rocket launcher and always ends up blowing himself up.
God of War 2
• When you reach Typhon's Cavernous Prison, be sure to load up on Mountain Dew. You’re going to need it.
• Suck up your pride and have the neighbors’ kid come over to help you get past the Mighty Titan.
• When the phone rings, don’t answer it. It’s your boss, wondering when you’ll be into the office.
• After you leave the Temple of the Oracle, you will see an animated cut scene that advances the plot. Use this opportunity to take a pee break. Pee quickly—you’ll only have 27 seconds before the cut scene ends.
• By the time you must face off against the Juggernauts near the Throne of the Fates, the phone should be ringing fairly regularly. It’s your friends and loved ones. They are concerned about your well being. Use the Atlas Quake attack combo to defeat the Cyclopes and you will be able to open the gate to the next level.
• Give up trying to beat the Zeus boss level and sell the game on eBay.
NBA 2K7
The key to a good game is to have plenty of trash talk handy to show your friends who’s the boss and who’s the biyatch. Be sure to use these phrases often.
• “Yeah, that’s right! I’m the king! Bow down to the King! Bow down and kiss the ring!”
• “Are you trying to block me? Don’t bother! You can’t stop me! I’m unstoppable!”
• “You can’t seem to make a good lay-up today. Is your controller broken or do you just suck ass?”
• “You’re a dead man now!”
• “Why can't you make a jump shot? Why can't you get any air? Is it asthma?”
If the fates turn against you and your friends start winning, they may try using the following taunt:
• “Are you gonna cry now? Do you want your Mommy?”
Don’t panic. Just use this tried and tested counter-strategy:
• “That’s okay, I had your mommy just last night.”
Wii Sports
• Wave your arms around.
• No, faster.
• Good. Keep doing that.
Labels: Video Games
posted by The Editors at
10:03 PM
0 Comments
The Straight Guy’s Guide to Musicals
With the success of Chicago, High School Musical, Wicked, and Hairspray, it's time to face the facts: Musicals are making a comeback. If you don't know your Sondheim from your Shaiman, don't feeling left out -- This handy guide will have you up to speed in no time!
Shows to Know
With so many musicals out there, how do you know where to start? Here's a list of some shows you should be familiar with.
West Side Story: You'll like it. Characters like Riff, Bernardo, and Action are uber-cool. It may be hard to believe that members of a street gang can dance...
...but it's much harder to believe that Jews can dance in Fiddler on The Roof!
The Music Man: Okay, this features some barbershop music, which makes it kinda lame. But, to make up for it, it features lots of great patter songs. Patter, basically, means instead of singing notes, you just speak rhythmically. In other words, The Music Man was The Birth of Rap Music! And, since the title character is a con artist, I think it also qualifies as Gangsta Rap!
Guys and Dolls: If you get the chance, see a local high school production of this classic musical. Yes, you could always just rent the movie, but we assure you that your neighbors' kids can sing better than Marlon Brando and act better than Frank Sinatra!
Hair: This revolutionary musical had nudity. It had drugs and rock and roll, too, but the real creative innovation was the nudity.
Damn Yankees: You haven't seen this musical and you call yourself a guy? It's got Satan and baseball. What more could you want? A scantily clad sex kitten? Okay, your wish is granted!
Godspell: Jesus Christ! No, seriously, it's about a singing, tap-dancing Jesus Christ. This musical is The Gospel According to Saint Matthew set to catchy 60s rock melodies. Fun Fact: the original cast featured Maria from Sesame Street playing a whore in clown makeup.
Grease: Before it was a movie, it was a stage show that had the decency to sound like the 50s--no freaking disco music! And no stupid "Sandy! I thought you were in Australia!" line, either!
Sweeney Todd: This musical about cannibalism will have you humming and retching at the same time!
Chess, The Musical: Do you ever ask yourself, "What happened to the guys from ABBA?" The answer is Chess, The Musical. Have you been searching for an 80’s pop song about the red-light districts of Thailand that features an inexplicably long flute solo? Please see Chess, The Musical, Act 2, Scene 1, "One Night in Bangkok." Do you pray to the sweet Lord above to create a patch of common ground between the geeks from the high school chess club and the geeks from the high school theater club so that these two warring factions can finally be united and a new era of peace may begin? The Lord has heard your prayers and behold! He gives you Chess, the Musical.
Phantom of the Opera: You don't need to buy an expensive Broadway ticket to see Phantom. Just check out director Joel Schumacher's movie version of this musical tale of a man who lives in an underground cave, coming out only at night in the shadow of darkness. On second thought, considering what happened the last time he directed a movie about a guy in a costume hiding in a cave, maybe you should skip it.
Cats: Okay, I know we're trying to help you get over your fear of musicals, but this show really is your worst nightmare. Here's an analogy-- Cats is to Great Musicals what Garfield is to Great Movies! Avoid this hairball at all costs!
Les Miz: This is a really long musical, but if you have a test tomorrow in your English class on the really long book and you haven't started reading it yet, listening to the cast album is a going to be a faster way to cram. Just remember that the novel and the musical are a little different, so DON'T write an essay about how your favorite part of the book was the singing prostitutes.
The Producers: This hit Broadway musical about a hit Broadway musical was made into a movie based on the musical based on the movie about a musical based on Hitler.
People to Know
Stephen Sondheim
Nothing before Stephen Sondheim matters. Sondheim is God. He's the King of Rhyme. It's like the man ate a rhyming dictionary and craps out couplets. Looking for some truly old school tracks? Forget Run DMC and pick up Sunday in the Park With George!
Sondheim changed the very nature of musicals for ever! Even the types of characters depicted in shows change:
Musicals Before Steve -- Socialites, Cowboys, and Ingenues
Musicals After Steve -- Serial Murderers, Assassins, and Sex Slaves
Sondheim took lyrics to a whole new level:
Lyrics Before Steve:
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye
Lyrics After Steve:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it
Bob Fosse: Choreographer, Director, Pervert
Fosse pioneered the use of having people dance around in skimpy underwear. He taught chorus girls how to bump and grind. He would have dancers do things with chairs that made all the seats in the audience jealous. His pioneering work on hot shows like Chicago and Cabaret taught Brittney, Madonna, and every boy band out there how to molest furniture for fun and profit.
Bernadette Peters
The beloved Bernadette Peters is a quadruple threat: She can sing, she can act, she can dance, and she can be a special guest host on Regis and Kelly without losing her dignity!
Gallons of Fake Blood!
Most guys like action movies with lots of senseless killing. If it's a high body count you're looking for, look no further than these musicals:
- In West Side Story, 3 characters get custom fitted with chalk outlines. (It's the classic story of Boy meets Girl, Boy gets shot in the back, Girl starts waving gun around in a menacing fashion.)
- Into the Woods may be based on fairy tales, but that doesn't stop the flow of blood! 7 people won't be making it out of the show alive...
- In Les Miserables, they kill off 4 notable characters (which isn't much considering it's about the French Revolution.)
- In Sweeney Todd, a tuneful musical about a serial killer, 9 people bite the dust. (7 throat slittings, one shooting death, and one person burned alive in an oven! Awesome!)
- You've probably never heard of an obscure and funny little show called Something's Afoot, but it still gets the award for "Most Violent Show of All Times!" Why? It kills off the ENTIRE CAST! This is the only musical without a big finale… because there’s nobody left to sing it!
Shows to Know
With so many musicals out there, how do you know where to start? Here's a list of some shows you should be familiar with.
West Side Story: You'll like it. Characters like Riff, Bernardo, and Action are uber-cool. It may be hard to believe that members of a street gang can dance...
...but it's much harder to believe that Jews can dance in Fiddler on The Roof!
The Music Man: Okay, this features some barbershop music, which makes it kinda lame. But, to make up for it, it features lots of great patter songs. Patter, basically, means instead of singing notes, you just speak rhythmically. In other words, The Music Man was The Birth of Rap Music! And, since the title character is a con artist, I think it also qualifies as Gangsta Rap!
Guys and Dolls: If you get the chance, see a local high school production of this classic musical. Yes, you could always just rent the movie, but we assure you that your neighbors' kids can sing better than Marlon Brando and act better than Frank Sinatra!
Hair: This revolutionary musical had nudity. It had drugs and rock and roll, too, but the real creative innovation was the nudity.
Damn Yankees: You haven't seen this musical and you call yourself a guy? It's got Satan and baseball. What more could you want? A scantily clad sex kitten? Okay, your wish is granted!
Godspell: Jesus Christ! No, seriously, it's about a singing, tap-dancing Jesus Christ. This musical is The Gospel According to Saint Matthew set to catchy 60s rock melodies. Fun Fact: the original cast featured Maria from Sesame Street playing a whore in clown makeup.
Grease: Before it was a movie, it was a stage show that had the decency to sound like the 50s--no freaking disco music! And no stupid "Sandy! I thought you were in Australia!" line, either!
Sweeney Todd: This musical about cannibalism will have you humming and retching at the same time!
Chess, The Musical: Do you ever ask yourself, "What happened to the guys from ABBA?" The answer is Chess, The Musical. Have you been searching for an 80’s pop song about the red-light districts of Thailand that features an inexplicably long flute solo? Please see Chess, The Musical, Act 2, Scene 1, "One Night in Bangkok." Do you pray to the sweet Lord above to create a patch of common ground between the geeks from the high school chess club and the geeks from the high school theater club so that these two warring factions can finally be united and a new era of peace may begin? The Lord has heard your prayers and behold! He gives you Chess, the Musical.
Phantom of the Opera: You don't need to buy an expensive Broadway ticket to see Phantom. Just check out director Joel Schumacher's movie version of this musical tale of a man who lives in an underground cave, coming out only at night in the shadow of darkness. On second thought, considering what happened the last time he directed a movie about a guy in a costume hiding in a cave, maybe you should skip it.
Cats: Okay, I know we're trying to help you get over your fear of musicals, but this show really is your worst nightmare. Here's an analogy-- Cats is to Great Musicals what Garfield is to Great Movies! Avoid this hairball at all costs!
Les Miz: This is a really long musical, but if you have a test tomorrow in your English class on the really long book and you haven't started reading it yet, listening to the cast album is a going to be a faster way to cram. Just remember that the novel and the musical are a little different, so DON'T write an essay about how your favorite part of the book was the singing prostitutes.
The Producers: This hit Broadway musical about a hit Broadway musical was made into a movie based on the musical based on the movie about a musical based on Hitler.
People to Know
Stephen Sondheim
Nothing before Stephen Sondheim matters. Sondheim is God. He's the King of Rhyme. It's like the man ate a rhyming dictionary and craps out couplets. Looking for some truly old school tracks? Forget Run DMC and pick up Sunday in the Park With George!
Sondheim changed the very nature of musicals for ever! Even the types of characters depicted in shows change:
Musicals Before Steve -- Socialites, Cowboys, and Ingenues
Musicals After Steve -- Serial Murderers, Assassins, and Sex Slaves
Sondheim took lyrics to a whole new level:
Lyrics Before Steve:
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye
Lyrics After Steve:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it
Bob Fosse: Choreographer, Director, Pervert
Fosse pioneered the use of having people dance around in skimpy underwear. He taught chorus girls how to bump and grind. He would have dancers do things with chairs that made all the seats in the audience jealous. His pioneering work on hot shows like Chicago and Cabaret taught Brittney, Madonna, and every boy band out there how to molest furniture for fun and profit.
Bernadette Peters
The beloved Bernadette Peters is a quadruple threat: She can sing, she can act, she can dance, and she can be a special guest host on Regis and Kelly without losing her dignity!
Gallons of Fake Blood!
Most guys like action movies with lots of senseless killing. If it's a high body count you're looking for, look no further than these musicals:
- In West Side Story, 3 characters get custom fitted with chalk outlines. (It's the classic story of Boy meets Girl, Boy gets shot in the back, Girl starts waving gun around in a menacing fashion.)
- Into the Woods may be based on fairy tales, but that doesn't stop the flow of blood! 7 people won't be making it out of the show alive...
- In Les Miserables, they kill off 4 notable characters (which isn't much considering it's about the French Revolution.)
- In Sweeney Todd, a tuneful musical about a serial killer, 9 people bite the dust. (7 throat slittings, one shooting death, and one person burned alive in an oven! Awesome!)
- You've probably never heard of an obscure and funny little show called Something's Afoot, but it still gets the award for "Most Violent Show of All Times!" Why? It kills off the ENTIRE CAST! This is the only musical without a big finale… because there’s nobody left to sing it!
Labels: Musicals
posted by The Editors at
10:03 PM
2 Comments
Upcoming Episodes of Law and Order: Scooby Doo Unit
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the meddling kids, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
Episode 401: A routine haunting turns out to be part of a conspiracy between a prominent stockbroker, the Russian Mob, and Mr. Gompers, the groundskeeper.
Episode 402: A turf war ensues when Federal prosecutors want McCoy (Sam Waterston) to grant immunity to a defendant in a smuggling case so he will testify in the Federal case against the Abominable Snowman.
Episode 403: A trial turns into a media circus when celebrity guest stars The Harlem Globetrotters are called as witnesses.
Episode 404: The kids catch a jewel thief, but will McCoy be able to be convict him when his defense attorney uses an insanity plea? After interviewing the defendant, Police Psychiatrist Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong) admits that dressing up as The Ghost Knight of Castle Von Brooksworth is “pretty damn loony.”
Episode 405: A judge instructs the jury to disregard Velma’s eyewitness testimony after she admits under cross-examination that she had lost her glasses and “was as blind as a bat.”
Episode 406: In a story ripped from the pages of the gothic novels of Mary Shelley, Scooby and Shaggy capture Frankenstein. District Attorney Arthur Branch (Fred Dalton Thompson) faces political pressure to drop the case when the Governor turns out to be an old friend of Frankenstein.
Episode 407: Scooby and Shaggy capture The Phantom of the Lighthouse by pushing him in a mine-cart and rolling it down a flight of stairs. Will he go free when his lawyer accuses the kids of police brutality?
Episode 408: In order to convict a man who dressed up like a mummy and stole ancient Egyptian treasure, the District Attorney’s office will have to convince a judge that just because Fred set a trap does not mean that he’s guilty of entrapment.
Episode 409: A judge throws out a confession on the grounds that, since the defendant was tied up with rope at the time, it was made under duress.
Episode 410: Fred and Daphne determine that the Zombie King is really Professor Logan in disguise. It’s up to the State Court of Appeals to determine if ripping off his mask constitutes an unlawful search and seizure.
Episode 411: Charges are dropped against a man who pretended to be The Creature from The Lake when, after researching the relevant case law, Assistant District Attorney Connie Rubirosa (Alana De La Garz) learns that it’s not even a crime to scare the tourists away so that you can drill for oil.
Episode 401: A routine haunting turns out to be part of a conspiracy between a prominent stockbroker, the Russian Mob, and Mr. Gompers, the groundskeeper.
Episode 402: A turf war ensues when Federal prosecutors want McCoy (Sam Waterston) to grant immunity to a defendant in a smuggling case so he will testify in the Federal case against the Abominable Snowman.
Episode 403: A trial turns into a media circus when celebrity guest stars The Harlem Globetrotters are called as witnesses.
Episode 404: The kids catch a jewel thief, but will McCoy be able to be convict him when his defense attorney uses an insanity plea? After interviewing the defendant, Police Psychiatrist Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong) admits that dressing up as The Ghost Knight of Castle Von Brooksworth is “pretty damn loony.”
Episode 405: A judge instructs the jury to disregard Velma’s eyewitness testimony after she admits under cross-examination that she had lost her glasses and “was as blind as a bat.”
Episode 406: In a story ripped from the pages of the gothic novels of Mary Shelley, Scooby and Shaggy capture Frankenstein. District Attorney Arthur Branch (Fred Dalton Thompson) faces political pressure to drop the case when the Governor turns out to be an old friend of Frankenstein.
Episode 407: Scooby and Shaggy capture The Phantom of the Lighthouse by pushing him in a mine-cart and rolling it down a flight of stairs. Will he go free when his lawyer accuses the kids of police brutality?
Episode 408: In order to convict a man who dressed up like a mummy and stole ancient Egyptian treasure, the District Attorney’s office will have to convince a judge that just because Fred set a trap does not mean that he’s guilty of entrapment.
Episode 409: A judge throws out a confession on the grounds that, since the defendant was tied up with rope at the time, it was made under duress.
Episode 410: Fred and Daphne determine that the Zombie King is really Professor Logan in disguise. It’s up to the State Court of Appeals to determine if ripping off his mask constitutes an unlawful search and seizure.
Episode 411: Charges are dropped against a man who pretended to be The Creature from The Lake when, after researching the relevant case law, Assistant District Attorney Connie Rubirosa (Alana De La Garz) learns that it’s not even a crime to scare the tourists away so that you can drill for oil.
Labels: TV
posted by The Editors at
10:01 PM
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