Warning: Giant Harry Potter Spoiler

We have an exclusive spoiler for the new Harry Potter film. According to our confidential sources, The Half Blood Prince will feature the death of a "major and beloved" character.

The Prop 8 Ruling Sounds Oddly Familiar...

The California Supreme Court just plagiarized their ruling on Prop 8 from Shakespeare:

I say, we will have no more marriages:
those that are married already, all but one, shall
live; the rest shall keep as they are.
- Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1

New Holiday: June 6 is "Fuck You Ann Coulter Day"

To mark the original publication date of her book Godless: The Church of Liberalism, June 6 has been named Fuck You Ann Coulter Day. Ann Coulter has published many books, but Godless has been chosen for this special honor because it contains truly timeless comments on widows who lost their husbands in the attack on the World Trade Center. Highlights of Coulter's text include "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much... How do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy." Commentary like that richly deserves a national holiday like this.

Here are some ways that you can celebrate Fuck You Ann Coulter Day.

• Arrange a bible study group to discuss whether or not it's possible for Ann Coulter to go to Hell if she has no soul.
• Close your eyes and imagine that you're throwing used tampons at Ann Coulter.
• Ponder how God and Ann Coulter can co-exist in the same universe.
• Give people respect and treat them with kindness and know that this increase in decency will cause Ann Coulter to break out in hives.
  
• Gather together with friends to play a festive holiday game. Take turns throwing up. Whoever's stomach bile most closely resembles the writings of Ann Coulter wins an apple pie.

Stolen Answers to the Upcoming SAT Exam

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

All answers are listed alphabetically. For a chronological listing, please send $50.

How the Recession Affects Sesame Street

After its expenses come under increased government oversight, the number 4 pulls its sponsorship.

Cookie Monster being replaced by his cousin, Ramen Noodle Monster.

Elmo's World downsized to Elmo's Corner.

Bob finally forced into retirement.

Zoe replaced with an orange sock from the Dollar Store.

Grover teaches Abby Cadabby about last and first. Specifically, "Last In, First Out."

Hoopers Store out-sources its operations to workers living on Galli Galli Sim Sim.

Thanks to a 50% off liquidation sale, all Double-U's are now U's.

As more residents move into garbage cans, Oscar complains about gentrification.

Count Von Count indicted on charges of counting some bats twice.

After being laid off, Baby Bear just sits around watching the Telly all day... which makes Telly even more nervous than usual.

In order to pay the bills, Grover forced to take on 8th job.

New Tag Lines for SyFy (The TV Network Formally Known as SciFi)

SyFy: We're Lame Like That
SyFy: Our Fans Embarrass Us
SyFy: Isn't Our Name Cute?
SyFy: From the Makers of Furby
SyFy: Our Target Viewer is Sarah From The Movie Labyrinth
SyFy: Because SyGoldberg Was Already Taken
SyFy: Sponsored By New Coke
SyFy: It's Like Lifetime With More Temporal Paradoxes
SyFy: Please Don't Think About Syphilis
SyFy: We Didn't Stop To Think That It Looks Like It's Pronounced Siffy (Rhymes With Iffy)

A Simple Program to Make the World a Better Place

10: Search for musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
20: If musical exists that meets stated parameters, go to 40.
30: If musical that meets stated parameters does not exist, write musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
40: Produce musical.
50: Cast Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
60: Bask in the glory of it all.

The Worst Thing to Ever Be Broadcast on Television

We have a winner in the WORST THING TO EVER BE BROADCAST ON TELEVISION THAT PRETENDS TO BE ENTERTAINMENT Contest. It comes to us courtesy of Howie Mandel and your friends at NBC. As you may know, Howie was given his very own hidden camera show called Howie Do It. If you think that's a bad idea right there... forget about that. This has nothing to do with quality or the lack thereof. This is a question of good versus evil.

Personally, I can't stand hidden camera shows, but I did happen to catch an interview with Howie on the Tonight Show where they showed a clip from Howie Did It. The premise of the prank was that an average guy was tricked into thinking he was a contestant on a crazy game show where your partner would receive an electrical shock every time you gave a wrong answer. Well, the super hysterical punchline of the prank is that they tricked the real guy (the mark) into thinking that his partner (an actor who's in on the prank) has actually been electrocuted. I'll repeat that again--they convinced their victim that he was responsible for killing somebody.

Howie Mandel thinks tricking somebody into thinking they've killed somebody is funny. Jay Leno thinks tricking somebody into thinking they've killed somebody is funny. Good people with souls think that tricking somebody into thinking they've killed somebody is a sick form of torture.

I saw this on network television, but it was too crazy to be true. I thought it might have been a bad dream, but I just found real evidence of this crime on Hulu. Go to this clip and skip ahead to the 11 minute mark:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/54404/the-tonight-show-howie-mandel

Ha ha ha ha ha! The guy thought he just watched somebody die right in front of him! Ah, that's so funny! Ha ha ha! And he thinks it's his fault that another human being is dead! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pure comedy genius!

If you find this to be repulsive, demand that NBC does something about it. If it's got Jay Leno or Howie Mandel on it, don't watch it. No Tonight Show. No Deal or No Deal. No whatever the heck they're calling Jay's new 10:00 show. Just don't watch them.

If you happen to be NBC President Jeff Zucker, show the world that you are not evil. Fire Howie Mandel. Fire the producers of Howie Did It. Fire the standards and practices people who let this evilness reach the air. Fire Jay Leno and his producers for thinking it was acceptable for putting this on the air a second time.

This is supposed to be a funny site, but this post is serious. Good decent people are unemployed, but amoral bastards like Howie and Jay who think psychological torture is a funny goof are still cashing paychecks? That's just not right.

Start boycotting now.

Theory: I Am A Cast Member on 30 Rock

Evidence: I have never appeared in an episode of 30 Rock.
Conclusion: I very well may be a core cast member.

Archetypical Twitter Posts

What Am I Doing?

Contemplating my navel
10:41 AM

Worrying about the erosion of privacy in the digital age
10:47 AM

Noticing the irony of last Twitter post
10:48 AM

Wishing I had the discipline to write one of those long, complicated blog posts
10:52 AM

Wishing I had some friends who didn't block my instant messages
10:55 AM

Crying out for attention for others
10:57 AM

Look at me!
10:58 AM

Look at me now!
10:59 AM

Now, now, now!
11:00 AM

Re-reading my own twitter posts and marveling at how fascinating I am
11:07 AM

Get MAD and Get Even (More MAD)

When you were a kid, did you love MAD Magazine? If you read this blog, I'm guessing the answer is "Heck, yeah!" Well, I have some bad news for you: After their 500th issue, MAD will be switching from a monthly format to a quarterly format. This is, no doubt, a sad outcome of the general decline in magazine circulation across the publishing industry. I fear that MAD will only have a harder time staying afloat as a quarterly since it depends on topical humor.

Well, I think if we (and by "we" I mean "the internet") all pull together, we can do something about it. Now is the time to stop being nostalgic for our childhoods and start buying subscriptions. If not for ourselves, then perhaps as a gift for our kids (or our friends kids, or our nieces and nephews...) Subscriptions are cheap at only $19.99 for 14 issues. Look, you don't even need a checkbook--you can do it online:

Click Here to Get a Subscription for Yourself or Somebody You Love

If we can't reach the critical mass necessary to reverse the fortunes of the magazine that helped shape (and by "shape" I mean "warp") our sensibilities, then at the very least we'll be teaching kids the unique joys of reading MAD:

• Wasting hours looking at all of the little details
• Learning how to be world weary without being cynical, learning how to question authority without being a jerk about it
• Re-reading old issues to get all the dirty jokes that went over your head the first time around
• Yelling at your mom when she throws out your old -- and surely priceless -- issues when you went to college

I'm counting on you, blogospher. If we can make "Talk Like a Pirate Day" a real holiday, if we can redefine the meaning of Rick Santorum's last name, if we can make Perez Hilton gainfully employed... then surely we can pull together and help our old friends at MAD keep the satire coming.

Warning: Giant Watchmen Spoiler

Billy Crudup -- the guy who plays Dr. Manhattan -- also does the voice-overs for all of the MasterCard "Priceless" commercials. We dare you to try not to think about that when you're watching the movie.

Good News for Star Trek Actors: David E. Kelley Has a New Series!

If you ever watched any David E. Kelley shows like Boston Legal, The Practice, Boston Public, or Ally McBeal, then you know he's a special kind of Trekkie. While most super fans collect autographed photos, this producer collects actors. He seems to be on a personal mission to give former Star Trek actors regular paychecks. Mr. Kelley, as a public service to help you in this endeavor, we've put together a convenient checklist. Simply check off the actors names when you've given them a guest spot or a regular role on your new show Legally Mad.

Don't Forget: Valentine's Day Starts on December 17th This Year

This holiday is sponsored by the retailers, advertisers, and radio stations who decided to start celebrating Christmas 87 days early this year.

Finalists for the Best Patent Award

The nominees are:

• The Heisenberg Compensator, patent by Dr. Emory Erickson
• The Positron Collider, patent by Dr. Egon Spengler
• The Flux Capacitor, patent by Dr. Emmett Brown
• Focused Erasure Procedure, patent by Dr. Howard Mierzwiak
• Earth, patent by Deep Thought

Merry (Belated) Christmas!

Based on in sitings of Christmas tree displays at Borders Books, posters for Vince Vaughn's annual Christmas movie on the street, and Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" at the corner deli, Christmas officially started on October 27th this year. That gives us a glorious 59 days to celebrate the Christmas before the day I thought Christmas started on. Adjust your calendars accordingly to reflect the new start dates for holidays:

Christmas: October 27th
New Year's: November 3rd
Valentine's Day: December 17th
Memorial Day: March 27th
The 4th of July: May 6th
Halloween: September 2nd
Thanksgiving: September 28th

You Cannot Escape From Madagascar to Africa

Coming soon from the producers of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa:

• Chicago 2: Escape to America
• Manhattan 2: Escape to New York
• Escape From New York 2: Escape to the Eastern Standard Time Zone

In an Early Draft of the Watchmen Script, Alan Moore Explored Other Character Concepts for the Comedian

It's late at night. New York City. 1985.

A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.

Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"

Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.

Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.

The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.

Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."

Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.

Who Doesn't Love a Good Angry Mob?

Wear it with pride.

Scalia Rules That the Use of "Militia" in the 2nd Amendment Does Not Limit the Right to Bear Arms to Soldiers

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Fresh buttermilk pancakes, being a delicious breakfast food, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"A domesticated dog, being a superlative friend to a man of any station, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"A sailing ship, being a thing that is larger than a bread box, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"The weather in Philadelphia, being hotter than the armpit of one of Benjamin Franklin's whores, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Gout, being a painful and unseemly ailment, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Samuel Adams of Massachusetts, being a known welsher on his gambling debts, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"The number ninety seven, being the sum of the number forty three and fifty four, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Totally irrelevant and unrelated statements, having nothing to do with anything they happen to proceed, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

With Apologies to Shel Silverstein: Sarah Palin's "Where The Bridge to Nowhere Ends"

There's a place where honesty gets lost in the wind
Blown away by politicians' lies.
But there was one clear-voiced maverick
And to the straight-talking truth he would always stick...
And then he threw it all away with his running-mate pick
From where the bridge to nowhere ends.

From convention to election in every speech
To the role of reformer she pretends:
Pork barrel pet projects she claims to have slowed
Says she stood up against earmarks, but that's a big stinking lode.
Bragged she stopped the wasteful spending, but the money still flowed
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

"Thanks, but no thanks," must be some sort of code
For "I'm keeping the money that I'm entitled and owed!"
True, she stopped the bridge--but she's still building the road
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

In Case of Emergency, '08

What You Were Thinking the First Time You Watched The Dark Knight

Is that Anthony Michael Hall? I think that's Anthony Michael Hall. He looks a lot like Anthony Michael Hall, but I'm not sure. No, hey, that's him. That's Anthony Michael Hall.

Cool.

Resolved: Neil Patrick Harris is a National Treasure

As if Harold & Kumar and How I Met Your Mother weren't proof enough, the man is cool enough to walk a mile in Bruce Campbell's shoes in an Old Spice commercial. And then, NPH goes to eleven by starring is a singing super villain in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

As a public service to new fans who are late to Church of Neil, we present some of his earlier musical efforts that you can add to your playlists. If you can't wait for the Dr. Horrible soundtrack to come out, try these discs on for size. Like Dr. Horrible, both feature Neil singing and, coincidentally, lots of homicidal maniacs.

Assassins (Make sure you get the 2004 version on the PS Classics label. There's an earlier recording that's great, but sadly Neil Patrick Harris free.)

In this musical about the real assassins who killed (or tried to kill) a president, Neil Patrick Harris leads an ensemble cast as the narrator who guides you through some of the darkest chapters of U.S. history... through song. Highlights include the shockingly catchy "Ballad of Czolgosz" and "The Ballad of Booth." It's not the same as watching him step on Captain Hammer, but it's still cathartic as hell hearing Neil stand up for America and bitch-slap Booth (with Stephen Sondheim's finely crafted lyrics, of course.)

Sweeney Todd Live at the New York Philharmonic

Neil Patrick Harris plays Tobias in this story of revenge, murder, cannibalism, and the joys of owning your own small business. He has three big numbers here, including a sweet yet spooky rendition of "Not While I'm Around." Oh, and he may kill somebody before it's all over, too.

In Tribute to George Carlin: The Seven Words You Can't Text Message

S
P
F
C
CS
MF
T

In Response to the AFI, We Present the 100 Worst Films

100. A Night at the Roxbury
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.

99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.

98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…

97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.

96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.

95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.

94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.

93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love films about Irish folk legends.

92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.

91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”

90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.

89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?

88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!

87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!

86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!

85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994

84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.

83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”

82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”

81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.

80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.

79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!

78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.

77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.

76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.

75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.

74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.

73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.

72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.

71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!

70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.

69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.

68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.

67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!

66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.

65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.

64. Flipper
Squeak!

63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.

61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!

60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!

59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?

58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.

57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!

56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.

55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.

54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.

53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.

52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.

51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.

50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.

49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.

48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.

47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”

46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.

45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.

44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)

43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky

42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.

41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!

40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”

39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.

38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!

37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.

36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.

35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.

34. Anaconda
There's no way would an anaconda ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.

33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.

32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.

31. Glitter
No comment.

30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”

29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.

28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!

27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.

26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…

25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.

24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”

23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.

22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.

21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!

20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?

19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.

18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.

17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.

16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.

15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.

14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.

13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.

12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!

11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.

10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.

9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”

8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.

7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.

6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!

5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!

4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.

3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!

2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!

1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.

From the New Issue of Modern Groom Magazine

How NOT to Propose

• DON’T wait for her to ask you.
• DON’T send her an e-mail with the subject heading “Will you marry me?”
• When telling her all of the things you love about her, DON’T mention her “great rack.”
• DON’T do it during a commercial break.
• DO surprise her, but DON’T sneak up behind her.
• DON’T use the phrase “If you know what’s good for you.”
• If you can’t afford to place an ad on a billboard, DON’T take one out in the “Help Wanted” section.

Fashion Report

Not sure what tuxedo to buy for your special day? Well, we’ve got some tips for you.

What’s Hot: The hot color this season is black. You might want to consider black pants and a black jacket. These can be contrasted with a white tuxedo shirt. Accessorize the outfit with a black tie, a black comberbon, and black shoes. Viola! You’re ready to go!

What’s Not: For the 28th consecutive year, powder blue tuxedos are out.

Be sure to buy next month’s Modern Groom Magazine, where we’ll have a special feature on how not to panic when you realize that the cater-waiters are wearing the same thing as you are.

Buying the Ring -- The Four Bs

How can you tell the difference between a good engagement ring and a bad one? If you’ve gone shopping for diamonds with your girlfriend, you are no doubt familiar with the “4 Cs” that diamonds are rated by: Carat, Cut, Color, and Clarity. But the 4 Cs are a load of the 5th C – Crap.

The real way to judge a diamond is by using the 4 Bs. Go into a jewelers alone, make sure there are no women around, and ask them to explain what really makes a great diamond. They’ll tell you that the 4 Bs are:

Bargain: This is a measure of the discount you can get from your friend who dates somebody who’s brother is the dentist of the guy who works at the jewelers.

Blinding: This measures how shiny the ring is. The best rings will cast bright shafts of light around a room like a miniature disco ball.

Boasting: When she’s shows her ring to all of her friends, they’re all going to be sizing it up against their own. You’ll want to make sure that she has the most impressive ring so that she can feel superior.

Bucks: You’ve probably been told that women are more romantic than men. That’s a big load of the fifth B – Bull. Women don’t want a ring that shows how much you love them, they want one that show’s how much you’ll spend on them.


Best Man’s Corner -- How to Toast the Happy Couple

Being the Best Man is a great honor, but it comes with a lot of responsibilities. You’ll be responsible for seating guests, walking the bride’s Grandmother down the isle, and keeping the groom from trying to sneak out of the church. But your job isn’t done when they say “I do.” You’re hardest task is still ahead of you: The toast.

The bad news is that you’ll have to speak in front of a large group of people. The good news is that since the toast will come a few hours into the reception, you’ll be too drunk to care.

If you’re not sure what to say in your toast, here’s a list of some of the key points that all wedding toasts should include:

• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did in high school while he was drunk.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did in college while he was stoned.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about things the groom did at the bachelor party.
• Embarrassing anecdotes about how the bride and groom really met.
• Passing comment about how you don’t really know the bride, but that she seems nice so far.

The 6 Best Songs About Super Heroes

6. "Iron Man"
by Black Sabbath



This song featured a crude, unsubtle, and stupid guitar line... and I mean that in a good way. It's a metal song for people who don't normally like metal. Prior to the huge swell of hype for the movie, the comic book character wasn't very well known by most Americans -- he never had the fame Superman or Spider-Man achieved -- so this song really boosted his public image. Iron Man owes it all to Ozzy.


5. "Silent E"
by Tom Lehrer



"Silent E? Who's Silent E?" I hear you ask. Well, if you don't recognize this hero's name right away, it's probably because he didn't have a movie or a comic book. In fact, he doesn't exist outside of the context of this song. The Silent E song was created for the educational television show The Electric Company. If you weren't alive in the 70s, it came on right after Mr. Rogers and it stared Morgan Freeman as a character who loved to read. (This experience served Mr. Freeman well, as he now frequently plays characters who love to narrate.) Anyway, Silent E had the very special power of being able to turn a can into a cane. If that's not reason enough to love it, consider this: the song was written and performed by Tom Lehrer!

"Who's Tom Lehrer?" I hear you ask. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I reply.


4. "Superman Song"
by the Crash Test Dummies



It's a little maudlin, but it's mostly surprisingly touching. It's everything that the damn Five for Fighting song isn't. It's got those arresting basement deep vocals and it has strong lyrics,although they do pick on Tarzan a bit too much. Tarzan want to know -- what Tarzan ever do to earn contempt of Crash Test Dummies?

Runner up: I Am Superman by R.E.M


3. "Jimmy Olsen's Blues"
by the Spin Doctors



First off, it's a great jealousy song. It's not quite as good as "Is She Really Going Out With Him" but it's easily on par with "Jessie's Girl." Second, it's nice to a different spin on Superman. From Jimmy Olson's point of view... the Man of Steel is a major game killer. How's a regular guy like Jimmy supposed to get any love with competition like that?


2. "Spider-Man"
by The Ramones



The list is based on original pop songs, not cover versions of existing theme songs. But this is the Ramones, so to hell with rules! Rules are for bands with less punk cred, bub!


1. "The Ballad of Barry Allen"
by Jim's Big Ego



If you didn't already know, Barry Allen is better known as The Flash. (The BEST version of the Flash, by the way. The one who originally died in the 80s and who just came back from the dead... presumably to catch the premiere of Iron Man movie.) Anyway, this song has a different take on hero. For this guy, running super fast and saving the girl is easy, but moving slowly enough to sit through a seemingly endless conversation with the girl is a draining workout.

Sample lyric:

And you say the time goes rushing by
But it seems so slow to me
And I want to be there when you laugh or cry
But it takes too long
It seems so slow to me

This song packs an emotional punch that can knock out even Captain Cold.

Celebrating 30 Years of Video Games Killing Children

The Year: 1978

The Game: Space Invaders

What the Politicians Said: Space Invaders will kill your children! This dangerous "game" gives players three "lives." This will clearly make children think they can get another life after they die, thereby causing kids to start killing themselves in droves thinking that they can instantly come back to life! Video games will promote teen suicide! Vote for us and we'll save your children from themselves!

The Year: 1993

The Game: Doom

What the Politicians Said: Okay, we were wrong about Space Invaders, Frogger, and Pac Man making kids jump off of buildings, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that we aren't RIGHT when we tell you that Doom will kill your children dead! This vile excuse for "entertainment" is different from the harmless games that came before it because it shows the violence happening from the point of view of the player. Since gamers are all stupid, we know for a fact that they will be unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Clearly Doom poses a danger that a real gun never could! Playing Doom will make your neighbor’s stupid kid murder your darling angel of a child! Vote for us or your children will surely die!!

The Year: 2001

The Game: Halo

What the Politicians Said: When you were kids, you played nice, safe, harmless games like Space Invaders. The aliens looked like little white boxes. But these new games that kids are playing today have deadly graphics! They are too lifelike -- There's no way for a kid to tell the difference between people in the real world and the alien monsters they kill on their Halo machines! Do we have to draw you a map? Don't you see how this will lead to big heaping piles of dead kids?

The Year: 2007

The Game: Manhunt

What the Politicians Said: While we have to admit that we were wrong again about Halo, we still have to warn you that the Nintendo Wii was the deadliest video game system ever! In games like Manhunt, players enact killings by actually waving their arms around in a vague simulation of real life chainsaw swinging action! This unprecedented level of immersion would -- absolutely, no doubt about it, we swear on a stack of bibles this time -- make those mentally unbalanced gamers finally snap! The experience they gain by wiggling the remote control joystick device will surely teach them everything they need to know about buying a gun, loading the ammunition, turning the safety off, bracing for the kickback, aiming, and firing! We're talking about kids killing kids here, people, so get scared and start voting for us!

The Year: 2008

The Game: Grand Theft Auto IV

What the Politicians Say: Studies now show that the average video game player is not a child at all and that their average age is actually 34. Considering this alarming data -- along with our history of pandering for votes by portraying gamers as evil, psychopathic, nut jobs for more than a quarter of a century now -- we have determined the obvious course of action: To protect our political careers, it is imperative that we raise the voting age to 35!

Other Theories Charles Darwin Developed On His Trip to the Galapagos Islands

The Theory of Penguins Being Totally Cute

The Theory of Iguanas Smelling Bad When There Are Too Many of Them In One Spot

The Theory that The S.S. Beagle Could Use a Woman's Touch

The Theory that Sea Lions Have Sharp Teeth

The Theory that You Can Balance an Egg Here

The Theory of Sleeping on Volcanic Rocks Being Bad for the Back

The Theory of Big Animals Eating Smaller Animals

The Theory of That Turtle Being so Huge I Bet I Could Ride it Like a Horse