Saturday, October 19, 2013

Pop Quiz: Is This Juggling Equipment Or A Sex Toy?

Each of the following quotes have been lifted from either an online catalog of premium juggling supplies ( or an online catalog of premium sex toys ( See if you can identify which is which.
  1. "Kangaroo hide is the premium leather for the manufacture of whips - the leather chosen by the world's finest craftsman of classic Australian whips."
  2. "Silicone is resistant to staining; any soiling just wipes right off."
  3. "Preferred for body rolls. Custom-made for us in a heavyweight 100% wool felt."
  4. "We've also solved the problem of storage and transportation with a custom-made tube which accommodates the full length of one to twelve feathers easily."
  5. "Well priced for the beginner yet the quality is such that these whips are also used by many professionals."
  6. "In heavy duty black nylon webbing with velcro closure."
  7. "These rings are molded from a specially formulated polypropylene to eliminate breakage. Smooth, round edges."
  8. "Rope ends are treated to prevent fraying and the honda is securely taped. All rope is #12 (.375 in. diameter)."
  9. "Each ball is meticulously molded by hand in our factory—with no fill marks."
  10. "Using scarves is the fastest method for learning or teaching…"
  11. "Squosh beanbags are manufactured from a stretch polymer, making them soft and squeezable."
  12. "The frames are finished in a durable, industrial black powder coating. A finger hoop has been added which opens up a new realm of tricks."

Answer Key 

Highlight the following invisi-text to reveal the answers: Numbers 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 12 describe juggling equipment available from So do the other six product descriptions. All of the quoted product descriptions are from How did you score?

Sunday, April 8, 2012

The Gayest Place on Earth

The Augusta National Golf Club has been named "The Gayest Place on Earth." This honor recognizes the private club's extraordinary achievements in gayness. Judges noted that the Augusta National Golf Club is so gay that it will not allow women to join, whereas even gay bathhouses in the 1970s would sometimes admit Bette Midler.

The selection process was not without some debate. According to one member of the nominating committee, "On the one hand, we found their 'we-hate-girls' stance to be extremely off-putting. The overwhelming majority of modern homosexual men respect women and can enjoy their company for social -- but non-sexual -- activities. On the other hand, you certainly have to respect their board members' dedication to keeping anything from distracting them from playing golf and sucking cock."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hanukkah - As Seen At Trader Joe's

Whenever I see a mesh bag of chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil, I always think "Boy, that would be a great stocking stuffer!"

Did I mention this was taken at a Trader Joe's in New York City?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

If the Tea Party Had Held a Debate in 1988

Moderator: Governor, if Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered...
Tea Party Audience: Yeah! Kill her!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Sunday, June 5, 2011

June 6th is National "Fuck You, Ann Coulter" Day

Here are some ways that you can celebrate Fuck You Ann Coulter Day.
  • Arrange a bible study group to discuss whether or not it's possible for Ann Coulter to go to Hell if she has no soul.
  • Ponder how God and Ann Coulter can co-exist in the same universe.
  • Give people respect and treat them with kindness and know that this general increase in human decency will cause Ann Coulter to break out in hives.
  • Gather together with friends to play a festive holiday game. Take turns throwing up. Whoever's stomach bile most closely resembles the writings of Ann Coulter wins an apple pie.
Why June 6th?

To mark the original publication date of her book Godless: The Church of Liberalism, June 6 has been named Fuck You Ann Coulter Day. Ann Coulter has published many books, but Godless has been chosen for this special honor because it contains truly timeless comments on widows who lost their husbands in the attack on the World Trade Center. Highlights of Coulter's text include "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much... How do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy." Commentary like that richly deserves a national holiday like this.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

20 Years Later: A Hogwarts Reunion

The years melted away last night at the 20th Reunion for the Hogwarts Class of 1998. Members of the most historically significant graduating class in the school’s history gathered in the Great Hall to rekindle old friendships and share happy memories -- even though most of their memories involved monsters, murders, and narrowly escaping death.

The most popular alumni of the evening was no doubt Harry Potter -- The Boy Who Lived, The Teen Who Dropped Out of School, and The Man Who Let Himself Go A Bit Around the Middle. “I’m in charge of the Aurors office now,” Harry told this reporter. “It was my dream job since my fourth year at Hogwarts, but there’s not really much to do since I already killed Voldemort ages ago. Last month I prepared a major report for the Minister on how we’re streamline the filing system for cross-departmental projects. So, when you think about it, it’s just as exciting as the old days.”

Potter attended the event with his wife Ginny Weasley, former star Quidditch player for the Holyhead Harpies. “I do miss the game,” she said, pausing briefly to sign an autograph for a fan, “but I sometimes think Harry misses me playing even more than I do. Sometimes he asks me to put on the old uniform.”

‘Please don’t print that last part,” she added.

Taking a break from chatting with his former classmates, Draco Malfoy said, “People keep asking me why I’m not in jail. I tell them I honestly don’t know--I’m too busy trying to figure out why I’m still alive!”

Hermione Granger, one of the school’s most famous graduates thanks to her role in defeating He Who Must Not Be Named, was also in attendance. As most wizards already know, she went on to join the Ministry of Magic where she fought tirelessly to secure civil rights for House Elves, Werewolves, Goblins, Centaurs, and Muggles. “To be honest,” she confided, “the work is very satisfying, but there isn’t much money in it.” She blushed and excused herself when she was asked if she was still making counterfeit Galleons.

Hermione attended with her husband Ron Weasley, who is also widely celebrated for his efforts in the war. He was seen answering questions about what he had been doing since The Battle of Hogwarts. “I spent a few years working at George's joke shop selling, you know, farting cauldrons and plastic dragon poop. All of which was perfect training for a career working for the government!”

Proving to be quite the proud father, Ron went on to boast about his children. “Rose is doing really well at school, of course, and Hugo takes after his mother, too. Although,” he added, “they did ask me to take them camping over the summer, so I had no choice but to confund the lot of them. I mean… honestly! Camping? They must be mental.”

The wizards formally known as Seamus Finnigan and Parvati Palil were overheard telling an old friend that they both changed their names when they got married. According to Parvati, “We noticed that wizard names are often prophetic, so our new last name is Handsomewealth.” A visibly proud Seamus added, “It seems to be working very well so far for our kids Rich and Goldie.”

Michael Corner attended with Susan Roberts, his Muggle wife who was making her first trip to Hogwarts. When asked if she found it strange to be in a school where they study magic instead of science, she responded. “Not really. I went to public school in Texas.”

Lavendar Brown was overheard telling friends the sad news that her favorite teacher, Divinations Professor Trelawney, failed to see a giant anvil falling over her head. According to Lavendar, the anvil will fall next Tuesday.

Luna Lovegood explained to her old friends why her father had shut down The Quibbler. “Times are tough for publishing all over. Even The Daily Prophet has scaled back their operations to just Rita Skeeter’s blog.”

Herbology Professor Neville Longbottom attended the reunion with his wife Hannah Abbott. Many expressed surprise at their marriage since Neville was the first Hogwarts professor to ever have an active love life. Current Headmaster Professor Flitwick said, “That boy was never the best student in my class, but he has my eternal gratitude for breaking the curse!”

Padma Patil, manager of Flourish & Botts and Vice President of the Alumni Association, had her hands full making sure that everybody in attendance had a good time. “I was trying to cheer up Moaning Myrtle. It was going well. She told me I hardly looked any older. I tried to return the complement and told her she hadn’t changed a bit. Then she just murmured ‘Thanks for reminding me’ and glumly drifted away.”

Although most attendees seemed to be enjoying the reunion, Gregory Goyle spent the evening alone in the corner dejectedly muttering “Why did they have to call me ‘And Goyle’ on my name tag?”

Later in the evening, after starting his third Butterbeer of the night, Harry Potter confided to this reporter that, “They used to call me ‘The Chosen One.’ I never liked that very much, but it beats what I have to put up with around the office. You know what they call me now? For a while it was ‘The One Chosen to be Fire Marshal.’ Then it was ‘The Man Who Runs the Fantasy Quidditch League.’ For the past few years it’s been ‘The Man Who Lives to Approve Quarterly Budgets.’” Taking a long drink, he added, “I really do miss high school.”

Susan Bones, Luna Lovegood, and Hermione Granger began planning a book club so they could get together more regularly. They abandoned their plans when they remembered that the only wizard literature is The Tales of Beedle the Bard.

Summing up the evening, Ginny Weasley said, “I like these events, but I hate the way the alumni association keeps apparating in my kitchen in the middle of dinner to ask for money.”

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Obama Releases Bris Certificate

Tea Party leaders and other prominent Birthers said they wouldn't be fully satisfied until they see the President's you-know-what in person.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Stolen Answers to the Upcoming SAT Exam


All answers are listed alphabetically. For a chronological listing, please send $50.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

A Closer Look at the Tea Party & Other Movements Inspired by Misreading U.S. History

The Group: The Tea Party
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: The Boston Tea Party
What They Thought It Meant: Paying taxes is un-American!
Who They Hate: Black people
Excuse Me? Did we say black people? We meant “Socialists.”
Who They Compare Their Enemies To: Hitler

The Group: The Axes of Goodness
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: George Washington chopping down a cherry tree
What They Thought It Meant: The trees are out to get us! Destroy the trees before they kill us!
Who They Hate: New York Elitists. (Why do you ask? Did somebody tell you we hate Jews? Because that’s a lie!)
Who They Compare Their Enemies To: Hitler

The Group: The Kite String Theorists
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: Ben Franklin’s kite gets hit by lightning
What They Thought It Meant: Regulating the energy industry is unconstitutional!
Who They Hate: Homosexuals. It has nothing to do with regulation, but we just never liked them.
Are You Sure You Want To Admit That In Public? Yep.
Who They Compare Their Enemies To: Hitler

The Group: The Mayflower Power Movement
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: The Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock
What They Thought It Meant: Plymouth Rock. Another word for rock is stone. Stone tablets. The Ten Commandments. Therefore the founding fathers clearly DIDN’T want a separation of church and state!
That Doesn’t Make Any Sense: It sounds better when Glenn Beck says it.
Who They Hate: People who have actually read the Constitution
Who They Compare Their Enemies To: Hitler

The Group: The Young Americans
Inspiring Event From Grade School History Books: Columbus discovers the Fountain of Youth
You Do Know That Never Happened, Don’t You? You’re worse than Hitler.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Seperated at Birth: Bill O'Reilly and Insane Clown Posse

Watch both videos and then ponder this question: How much would you pay to hear Bill say "Fuckin' magnets--how do they work?"

All of which got me thinking about the following image, which I believe is the reason God invented PhotoShop. (Oh, I know you pinheads are going to say that "computer engineers" invented PhotoShop, but where did the engineers come from? I don't know. You say they came from their mommy's tummies? Who put them there? You say sperm and egg? Who made the sperm and the egg? You can't explain it. PhotoShop is a miracle.)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Good News for Star Trek Actors: David E. Kelley Has a New Series!

If you ever watched any David E. Kelley shows like Boston Legal, The Practice, Boston Public, or Ally McBeal, then you know he's a special kind of Trekkie. While most super fans collect autographed photos, this producer collects actors. He seems to be on a personal mission to give former Star Trek actors regular paychecks. Mr. Kelley, as a public service to help you in this endeavor, we've put together a convenient checklist. Simply check off the actors names when you've given them a guest spot or a regular role on your new show Harry's Law.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Why You Don't Need to Worry About Your Zodiac Sign Changing

There's some good news for everybody who's been worried by a recent news story that suggests people may not be the Zodiac sign they thought they were. There is, as it turns out, no need to panic about new signs according to the results new study. According to this new study, any alleged changes to the Zodiac are irrelevant since Astrology is pure baloney and the positions of the stars and planets have no influence whatsoever on the personalities or lives of anybody.

The name of the new study is commonly known as the complete collected knowledge and wisdom of science.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Fun With Your Radio

Call the request line for your local top 40 station. (If you're not sure which station that is, it's the one with a morning show hosted by two guys who go by a name like "Craig-Man and The Biscuit.") When you make it through, follow this script:
YOU: I'd like to request anything by Elvis Costello.

DJ: Sorry, we don't play him.

YOU: Oh. How about something by Dire Straits, Ben Folds, or Joe Jackson?

DJ: Sorry, we don't play them either. We're only play Pop.

YOU: But don't those artists all play Pop music?

DJ: Yes, but it's a different genre of Pop.

YOU: There are different kinds of Pop?

DJ: Exactly, and we only play a certain kind. That's our format.

YOU: Oh. I see. One more quick question. If you only play a certain kind of Pop music, how come you spent the entire two months leading up to Christmas playing a rotation that leaned heavily on Big Band, Childrens, Classical, R&B, Smooth Jazz, Latin, American Songbook, Comedy, Classic Rock, Oldies, and Country songs?
At this point the DJ will suddenly sound like he's not reading from a script anymore.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The A Cappella Epidemic

If you've seen the ads for NBC's reality show The Sing Off, you might be wondering what's up with all of this "singing with no instruments." It's called a cappella, and it's not just a fad: It's a serious epidemic. Learn more about it before it affects the life of somebody you love. 

The Background Scoop

Back in the day, colleges used to have something called "Glee Clubs." Basically, a bunch of preppy college boys would get together and sing reverential versions of "Coney Island Baby," "Lida Rose," and other songs you've never heard of. They were extremely irritating, but the problem was mostly confined to elitist schools that you couldn't get into without buying a new library.

Unfortunately, over the past few years, a cappella groups exploded in popularity. Nowadays, vocal groups are a huge activity on college campuses. It's not just about singing--it's a major social event. Think of it as being like a frat but with less beer and more medleys of Abba songs. Whereas glee clubs used to sing without any instrumental accompaniment because they didn't happen to have any pianos handy, modern a cappella groups think that music sounds better without instruments!

These groups are not innocent clubs--they're cults! If you don't believe that, look at the matching outfits! Why would a college kid want to dress like that if they hadn't been brainwashed?

You can't walk five feet on a college campus without being serenaded with a perky version of "Karma Chameleon" or some other 80s tune you never wanted to hear again. Worse still, a cappella groups are starting to pop up in high schools, too! We can no longer ignore the fact that this is no mere extra-curricular activity...

The Warning Signs

How can you tell if somebody you know is a victim of the a cappella epidemic? Here are some of the tell-tale signs to watch out for:
  • When listening to their car radio, instead of singing along with the lead singer, do they sing along with the drummer?
  • Do they know all the words to the school alma mater?
  • Instead of downloading MP3s from Kaaza like a normal student, did you catch them hanging out on eBay trying to buy more VHS tapes of old Carmen Sandiego episodes?
  • Instead of humming to themselves, do they walk around singing syllables like "Kajang" "Aha Djing," "Gigibow," and other gibberish that sounds like sound effects from a Don Martin cartoon?
  • Instead of discovering an illicit hash-pipe hidden at the bottom of the sock drawer, do you instead find that they've hidden a pitch-pipe?
  • Does it drive them nuts when you confuse "a cappella" with "barbershop?"
How to Deprogram Them

If somebody you know shows the warning signs, an intervention just won't cut it--you're going to need to set up a full-blown deprogramming session.

It's not easy to rescue somebody from a cult, but if you follow these steps you may have a chance of snapping your friend or family member back to reality. Corner them in their dorm room, duck tape them to their desk chair, shine a lamp in their face, and start telling them the hard truths they don't want to hear. The following phrases and themes have been shown to be highly effective, so don't be afraid to use them often:
  • The dining hall is NOT a suitable performance venue! You are NOT making the eggplant parmagian taste any better! Students did NOT expect your all-vocal version of "Broken Wings" to be included in the meal plan!
  • Don't you care about animal rights? How is the lion supposed to sleep tonight if you keep singing that damn song!?!
  • If Sarah McLachlan ever heard what you were doing to her songs, she'd kick the living crap out of you!
  • When your group wears tuxedos you do not make yourselves look more classy. You're just making James Bond look less cool by association.
  • For the last time, Limp Biscuit songs do not sound better in four-part harmony! 
  • "A cappella" is not Italian for "singing without intruments." It's Italian for "singing without dignity!"
  • Don't be afraid. The guitar is your friend. It won't hurt you.
  • "Vocal Percussion" will not help you meet women! It will only help you spit on them!

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    Tuesday, November 23, 2010

    Three Problems With Late Night Talk Shows

    1. Jay Leno Steals Jokes

    Yep, it's the ultimate sin in comedy and Jay does it all the time. Amazingly, he does it in plain sight. In his recurring "Headlines" segment, Jay reads headlines or the fine print from real newspapers and magazines. This often involves typos or other slip ups that make things sound unintentionally funny. There's nothing wrong with a little found humor, I guess. But not everything in the "Headlines" segment is an accident. Sometimes a headline is funny because an editor at some local paper wanted to write a funny headline. Sometimes those "stupid criminal" stories Jay likes so much only made the paper in the first place because the editors thought they were funny. When Jay reads them on the air, he's using somebody else's material. Just because they wrote it in a deadpan style doesn't mean they weren't trying to be funny. Jay knows that, but he still goes on the air and acts like he's the first person to notice the humor.

    Think the writers and editors of all those local papers are getting TV writing credits or compensation from NBC? Yeah, me neither.

    2. Everybody Makes Fun of People For Dying

    Let's say you're not famous, but you did something that made some sort of cultural impact. Nobody knows your name, but everybody remembers that thing you invented or the company you founded. I've got some bad news for you. When you die, every late-night talk show host is going to make fun of your death. There's a weird, unwritten rule that it's okay to do this if the joke says that you died or will be buried in a manner reminiscent of the thing you would be best known for. This is, for lack of a better phrase, extremely tacky. The subjects of these jokes did not lead public lives, but they are dragged briefly into the spotlight for a cheap joke (a joke that often implies the mutilation of their dead body.) Basically, if somebody merits a small obit in the paper ("The inventor of the Slinky passed away yesterday..."), then they will be mocked on the talk shows. I guarantee that when the inventor of the Slap Chop dies, you'll hear multiple monologue jokes about how his remains are being diced into small pieces and sprinkled over ice-cream.

    What makes it worse is that there is an exception to the rule. You will never hear a joke like this about anybody in the entertainment industry. Making a joke about their deceased friends and colleagues would apparently be in poor taste. And I predict that when Jay Leno dies, Letterman will make a heartfelt tribute to his former rival. He will most certainly not say "His family says they will miss him, but they are replacing him with an episode of Dateline."

    3. Community Jokes Are Tired (and Often Untrue)

    A Community Joke is a joke that's been said so many times that half the country takes the punchline as conventional wisdom. Bush is stupid. Gore is dull. The Harry Potter actors look like they should be in AARP. Angelina Jolie has a million kids. Pavarotti is fat.

    This sort of joke is frequently featured in talk show monologues.

    These jokes are bad because they're overdone, but more importantly, they're bad because they get accepted as true. And they're not necessarily true. Bush was poorly spoken and uninterested in nuance, but he wasn't stupid. Gore wasn't folksy and he was too interested in nuance, but he can be funny and engaging. People have been joking about the Harry Potter stars since the second film, but when you see them in the last movie, the three actors will be 19, 20, and 21--which is a reasonable age for an actor passing as a high school senior on screen. (The stars of Ferris Bueller's Day Off were around 19, 23, and 29.) Angelina Jolie has six children. That's more than some people, but it's not unusual by any means. She can certainly afford to take care of them and nobody has ever questioned her abilities as a parent... so why do we mock her for doing something that so many people do? Because it's an easy punchline that we can all use. That's the nature of a community joke.

    Okay, I grant you, it's true that Pavarotti was a heavyset guy. God rest his soul.

    Monday, November 15, 2010

    Make Your Own 3D Blockbuster

    Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was originally going to be released in 3D, but the studio decided that the conversion process wouldn’t be ready in time, so the film will only be available in the standard 2D format. This is very disappointing for fans. Just compare how the film will look in 2D with how amazing it could have looked if it had been given a proper 3D release:

    But don’t worry about the studio's foolish decision—you can still create the 3D film effect for yourself if you follow these simple steps!

    1. Buy tickets for the old-fashioned 2D release for you and your date. You’ll notice that the tickets are about 50 percent cheaper than you’d expect to pay for a 3D film. Don’t let this cost difference ruin the simulated 3D experience—you’ll be spending that extra money on various supplies.

    2. Wear sunglasses to make the image on screen darker. Don’t use blue or yellow lenses. Stick with a standard grey tint. You want the colors on screen to be noticeably duller.

    3. While the previews are playing, take a moment to rub Chap Stick over the lenses on your glasses. This will help to make the picture seem out of focus.

    4. Print this picture of Ralph Fiennes, cut along the dotted line, and tape it to a popsicle stick.

    Whenever Voldemort appears, hold up the picture. It's like he's coming right at you!

    5. In the 7 Potters chase scene, throw a fist-full of feathers in the air when Hedwig gets hit. They will slowly float down around you and will lend the poignant moment an extra degree of sad realism. Note: Some of the people sitting near you may be allergic to real feathers, so be considerate and get your feathers from a non-allergenic pillow.

    6. For the big wedding scene, throw rice in your face. (Uncooked is traditional.) Don’t be selfish—make sure you throw some into you date’s face, too.

    7. When our three heroes enter Number 12 Grimmauld Place, the ghostly likeness of Dumbledore will rise from the dust to guard against intruders. Throwing real dust would be inappropriate, but some finely ground flour can be used to complete the 3D effect of the charging apparition. A third of a cup should do it. If the people behind you complain, apologize for not having enough flour for everybody.

    8. Whenever Harry casts a Patronus spell in the Ministry of Magic, flash a camera in your eyes.

    9. By this point, your date won’t want to speak to you ever again. This is all for the best, as you are now getting to the part of the film where you will need to abandon your seat: As Harry, Ron, and Hermione get chased through the woods, run as fast as you can up and down the aisles. Pretend that the hands of the other patrons reaching out to grab you are the branches of trees. When the police arrive in the theater and start running after you, make a break for the nearest exit shouting, “Snatchers! Snatchers!”

    10. If you’ve timed everything right, you should be in a police holding cell just as Harry and Ron are getting tossed into the cellar of Malfoy Manor. Is this immersive, or what? Wait for Dobby to rescue you or for your parents to post bail. Whichever comes first.

    Wednesday, November 10, 2010

    How the Recession Affects Sesame Street

    • After its expenses come under increased government oversight, the number 4 pulls its sponsorship.
    • Cookie Monster being replaced by his cousin, Ramen Noodle Monster.
    • Elmo's World downsized to Elmo's Corner.
    • Bob finally forced into retirement.
    • Zoe replaced with an orange sock from the Dollar Store.
    • Grover teaches Abby Cadabby about last and first. Specifically, "Last In, First Out."
    • Hooper's Store out-sources its operations to workers living on India's Galli Galli Sim Sim.
    • Thanks to a 50% off liquidation sale, all Double-U's are now U's.
    • As more residents move into garbage cans, Oscar complains about gentrification.
    • Count Von Count indicted on charges of counting some bats twice.
    • After being laid off, Baby Bear just sits around watching the Telly all day... which makes Telly even more nervous than usual.
    • In order to pay the bills, Grover forced to take on an 8th job.

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      Wednesday, November 3, 2010

      Ripped From the Headlines

      The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.

      A TV producer named "Richard Fox" is best know for producing a TV series called "Cops & Lawyers." The series is such a hit for the network named "NBS" that "Richard Fox" created several spin-offs including "Cops & Lawyers: Watch Some Violence Against Women" and "Cops & Lawyers: Shooting in LA is Cheaper Than NYC." All of the shows in the "Cops & Lawyers" franchise are famous for featuring thinly fictionalized plots about real public figures that are "Taken From the Newspapers."

      But there's one story that "Richard Fox" hasn't featured on any of his TV shows. It's the story of "Richard Fox" himself, a TV producer with a closet full of dark secrets. What is this famous TV producer hiding? Prepare to be shocked:
      • He cheated on his wife with an underage prostitute. Then he killed the prostitute to cover it up.
      • He beats his children regularly. He killed their nanny to cover it up.
      • He cheats on his taxes. He killed his accountant to cover it up.
      • When he's not killing people to cover up his indiscretions, he enjoys making fun of handicapped people.
      • He's a huge fucking asshole who uses his TV shows to publicly insinuate that innocent people are guilty of terrible crimes. Then he hides behind a disclaimer saying that all of the shows are fictional... despite the fact that he promotes the episodes as being based on real people.
      • He is bad in bed. This isn't just because he has a laughably small penis, but rather because he has a terrible technique and he's extremely selfish. Oh, and the body odor doesn't help. Plus he can only achieve an erection if he's looking at his very large collection of child pornography.
      Yes, without a doubt, "Richard Fox" is a real Dick with as much human decency as a rabid Wolf.

      November 3rd - Tea Party Style

      • John Boehner hates America.
      • Rand Paul is going to raise taxes on businesses. He SAYS he isn't, but how do you KNOW that he won't later?
      • The Tea Party controls the house and the economy is in sad shape. Why are they deliberately ruining the economy?
      • Mike Lee is a secret atheist who wants to make all of our churches illegal.
      • How much do we really know about Renee Ellmers? I'm not saying that she's a terrorist. But she does seem religious and all terrorists are religious.
      • Jim DeMint is a socialist! And a fascist! And a commie! And a despotic tyrant! It would be wrong to compare him to Hitler, but DeMint's policies are remarkably similar to the Fuhrer's.
      • Ron Johnson is a Mexican. He could clear up this whole Mexican thing if he'd just show us a birth certificate. I haven't seen it. Why won't he show it to me?
      • What happened to our country? They're taking away our freedoms! I want my country back!
      • Sarah Palin's Twitter feed is unconstitutional.

      Tuesday, November 2, 2010

      Christmas Comes Early

      Based on sitings of Christmas themed ads, Christmas officially started on October 28th this year. That gives us a glorious 58 days to celebrate Christmas before the day I thought Christmas actually started. Adjust your calendars accordingly to reflect the new start dates for holidays:

      Christmas: October 28th
      New Year's: November 4th
      Valentine's Day: December 18th
      Memorial Day: March 28th
      The 4th of July: May 7th
      Halloween: September 3rd
      Thanksgiving: September 29th

      Wednesday, September 8, 2010

      Linda McMahon is Running to be Your Longtime Friend

      Linda McMahon's new ad is centered around the endorsement from her longtime friend Judy Moorberg. Here's what Ms. Moorberg has to say:
      "If somebody needed help, she'd be there in a minute. And not think anything of it."
      Fantastic! I'm looking forward to enjoying the benefits of McMahon's friendship.

      So Linda, I could use your help with a few things:
      • I'm going to be out of town for a week and I don't want to put the dog in the kennel. Can you stop by to walk her? 
      • Speaking of my trip, can you pick me up at the airport, too?
      • Sometimes I just can't get to sleep at night. I feel all alone with my thoughts as I helplessly watch the hours pass. Would it be okay if I called you in the middle of the night? Just to talk for a bit.
      • I need to pick up a new couch. Can you help me pick it up from the store and move it? It probably won't fit in the elevator of my building, but I'm only on the fourth floor. (I'll buy the pizza!)
      • I'm hunting for a new job. Can you pass my resume around?
      • It was one of those days. I need a good hug. Can you come over? I've got the wine. Can you bring the ice cream?
      • Sorry to ask this, but my boss wanted me to. Can you get Mick Foley's autograph? (He says it's for his kid, but I don't think he has any kids.)
      Thanks, Linda! You're the best!

      Thursday, August 19, 2010

      The Gingrich Doctrine

      “There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia.”
      -Newt Gingrich

      Newt Gingrich is absolutely right: Americans should only have those rights that are available in their country of origin.

      Here are some of the rights we should immediately deprive citizens of based on their heritage and religious affiliations:
      • Americans of Chinese decent must not be allowed to have more than one child.
      • All Jews should be compelled to serve in the military when they turn 18.
      • Active members of the armed services should not be allowed to vote if they are of Dominican or Guatemalan decent. 
      • Italian-Americans should not be allowed to vote in a Senate election until they are 25 years old.
      • Citizens whose families came to America from Puerto Rico should be excluded from voting in Presidential elections.
      • Catholics should be forbidden from entering into divorce proceedings. 
      • Cuban-Americans ought to have severely limited access to freedom of the press.

      Tuesday, August 17, 2010

      Sarah Palin Opposes the Construction of a New Church

      Catholics Who Aren’t Bigots, pls understand. New church is UNNECESSARY provocation of those who remember KKK lynchings. Pls reject it in interest of healing

      Monday, August 2, 2010

      Show That You Care: Please Make This Your Facebook Status

      Please copy and paste the following message into your Facebook status:

      "Every day, people are emotionally bullied into doing what they're told. Post this as your status to show that you're taking a stand against emotional bullying... unless you're a coward who won't stand up to bullies. Many people will ignore this, but those who care will repost it."

      Wednesday, July 21, 2010

      Mel Gibson’s Guide to Substance Abuse (and The Bigoted Things It Makes You Say)

      Previously, Mel Gibson explained away his raging antisemitism by blaming it on the booze. (Because apparently that's what happens to everybody when they drink: They blame all wars on the Jews.) Now that he's outed himself as also hating blacks and women, you have to wonder what form of substance abuse will he blame his bigotry on this time?

      Abused Substance: Alcohol
      Who It Makes You Hate: Jews

      Abused Substance: Antidepressants
      Who It Makes You Hate: African-Americans

      Abused Substance: Prescription Pain Medications
      Who It Makes You Hate: Women

      Abused Substance: Steroids
      Who It Makes You Hate: Latinos

      Abused Substance: Barbiturates
      Who It Makes You Hate: Homosexuals

      Abused Substance: Heroin
      Who It Makes You Hate: Lithuanians

      Abused Substance: Crack (Cheap)
      Who It Makes You Hate: The French

      Abused Substance: Crack (The Good Stuff)
      Who It Makes You Hate: The Belgians

      Abused Substance: Crystal Meth
      Who It Makes You Hate: God Damn Spiders!

      Abused Substance: Cat Nip
      Who It Makes You Hate: All Asians (Except the Japanese)

      Abused Substance: Absinthe
      Who It Makes You Hate: The Mayans

      Abused Substance: Snuff
      Who It Makes You Hate: The Whig Party

      Abused Substance: Model Airplane Glue
      Who It Makes You Hate: The Irish

      Abused Substance: Real Airplane Glue
      Who It Makes You Hate: Muggles

      Abused Substance: Raw Espresso Beans
      Who It Makes You Hate: The Yankees

      Abused Substance: LSD
      Who It Makes You Hate: Don’t Forget About the Jews

      Abused Substance: Ecstasy
      Who It Makes You Hate: Fucking Jews

      Wednesday, July 14, 2010

      Pop Quiz: Oprah or Super Villain?

      Which of the following ideas are embraced by Oprah Winfrey (a talk show host and media mogul) and which are the notions of Brainchild (a super villain whose gigantic brain is visible through his glass skull)?

      1. My brain is like a giant magnet. If I think about the things I want, they will become attracted to me!
      2. I can make money simply by visualizing the great wealth I deserve to have!
      3. I don’t need to break into a store to steal precious diamonds—I merely have to use the power of my mind and the diamonds will become attracted to me!
      4. Other people are my pawns and I can make them do my bidding! The love of my life may not know I exist, but the power of my thoughts is so strong that they will be drawn to me without knowing why!
      5. Diseases? Ha! Those are for people whose minds are not more advanced than medicines or doctors! I can cure myself by thinking healthy thoughts!
      6. Tornados and tsunamis are no match for the power of my thoughts! I can protect myself with my thoughts! My brain sends out vibrations into the universe that repel any natural disaster!

      Answer Key:
      1. Oprah  2. Oprah  3. Oprah  4. Oprah  5. Oprah  6. Oprah

      All of those viewpoints come from Rhonda Byrne’s, the author of The Secret. For some unknown reason, Oprah Winfrey seems to believe in these delusional ramblings and allows Bryne to shill her insane, logic-defying book on her show.

      For the record, Brainchild doesn't believe in any of that "power of positive thinking" crap. He uses his big brain to make plans and set them in motion. If he wanted to destroy the world you can bet he wouldn't just wish for it really hard--he'd go and actually build a machine capable of crashing the moon into the earth! And if he fails, it would be because he's no match for the super-heroic powers of The Tick, not because he didn't want to win badly enough.