Previously, Mel Gibson explained away his raging antisemitism by blaming it on the booze. (Because apparently that's what happens to everybody when they drink: They blame all wars on the Jews.) Now that he's outed himself as also hating blacks and women, you have to wonder what form of substance abuse will he blame his bigotry on this time?
Abused Substance: Alcohol
Who It Makes You Hate: Jews
Abused Substance: Antidepressants
Who It Makes You Hate: African-Americans
Abused Substance: Prescription Pain Medications
Who It Makes You Hate: Women
Abused Substance: Steroids
Who It Makes You Hate: Latinos
Abused Substance: Barbiturates
Who It Makes You Hate: Homosexuals
Abused Substance: Heroin
Who It Makes You Hate: Lithuanians
Abused Substance: Crack (Cheap)
Who It Makes You Hate: The French
Abused Substance: Crack (The Good Stuff)
Who It Makes You Hate: The Belgians
Abused Substance: Crystal Meth
Who It Makes You Hate: God Damn Spiders!
Abused Substance: Cat Nip
Who It Makes You Hate: All Asians (Except the Japanese)
Abused Substance: Absinthe
Who It Makes You Hate: The Mayans
Abused Substance: Snuff
Who It Makes You Hate: The Whig Party
Abused Substance: Model Airplane Glue
Who It Makes You Hate: The Irish
Abused Substance: Real Airplane Glue
Who It Makes You Hate: Muggles
Abused Substance: Raw Espresso Beans
Who It Makes You Hate: The Yankees
Abused Substance: LSD
Who It Makes You Hate: Don’t Forget About the Jews
Abused Substance: Ecstasy
Who It Makes You Hate: Fucking Jews
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Newly Discovered Photo From the Apollo Moon Landing
He truly was the hardest working man in showbiz.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Pop Quiz: Oprah or Super Villain?
Which of the following ideas are embraced by Oprah Winfrey (a talk show host and media mogul) and which are the notions of Brainchild (a super villain whose gigantic brain is visible through his glass skull)?
Answer Key: 1. Oprah 2. Oprah 3. Oprah 4. Oprah 5. Oprah 6. Oprah
All of those viewpoints come from Rhonda Byrne’s, the author of The Secret. For some unknown reason, Oprah Winfrey seems to believe in these delusional ramblings and allows Bryne to shill her insane, logic-defying book on her show.
For the record, Brainchild doesn't believe in any of that "power of positive thinking" crap. He uses his big brain to make plans and set them in motion. If he wanted to destroy the world you can bet he wouldn't just wish for it really hard--he'd go and actually build a machine capable of crashing the moon into the earth! And if he fails, it would be because he's no match for the super-heroic powers of The Tick, not because he didn't want to win badly enough.
- My brain is like a giant magnet. If I think about the things I want, they will become attracted to me!
- I can make money simply by thinking visualizing the great wealth I deserve to have!
- I don’t need to break into a store to steal precious diamonds—I merely have to use the power of my mind and the diamonds will become attracted to me!
- Other people are my pawns and I can make them do my bidding! The love of my life may not know I exist, but the power of my thoughts is so strong that they will be drawn to me without knowing why!
- Diseases? Ha! Those are for people whose minds are not more advanced than medicines or doctors! I can cure myself by thinking healthy thoughts!
- Tornados and tsunamis are no match for the power of my thoughts! I can protect myself with my thoughts! My brain sends out vibrations into the universe that repel any natural disaster!
Answer Key: 1. Oprah 2. Oprah 3. Oprah 4. Oprah 5. Oprah 6. Oprah
All of those viewpoints come from Rhonda Byrne’s, the author of The Secret. For some unknown reason, Oprah Winfrey seems to believe in these delusional ramblings and allows Bryne to shill her insane, logic-defying book on her show.
For the record, Brainchild doesn't believe in any of that "power of positive thinking" crap. He uses his big brain to make plans and set them in motion. If he wanted to destroy the world you can bet he wouldn't just wish for it really hard--he'd go and actually build a machine capable of crashing the moon into the earth! And if he fails, it would be because he's no match for the super-heroic powers of The Tick, not because he didn't want to win badly enough.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Harry Potter and the History of Theme Parks Based on Books
When Universal Studios officially opened "The Wizard World of Harry Potter" in June 2010, it was noteworthy for being an amusement park based on a literary source. While other parks have themes, this one has subtext. The park perfectly recreates the experience of being inside the pages of the novels, but with lots of ropes and guardrails keeping your imagination in line.
"The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" is divided into different areas based on the various themes of the books. We suggest tackling them in order. Start at Child Neglect, then move on to Murder, Discrimination, Betrayal, and Revenge. For your lunch break, stop by the Three Broomsticks for some fish and chips. Spend the afternoon seeing The Media and the Government Conspiring to Silence the Truth, Torture, War, Genocide, and Bereavement. It’s a family vacation you’ll never forget, despite years of therapy.
Although it is unusual, "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" is not the first theme park to be based on a book. Theme park enthusiasts may recall the "Six Flags Great Adventure Catcher on the Rye Land." That park’s dismal failure was largely attributed to excessively long lines at the security checkpoints--Not only did they have to check everybody’s tickets on the way in, but they also had to give everybody who entered an FBI file.
Most recently, in 2007, "Rhonda Byrne’s Fantasy La La Land" was based on the power-of-positive-thinking bestseller The Secret. Although it drew millions of loyal fans of the book, they all left disappointed as they discovered the “park” was just an empty field and, inexplicably, just thinking really hard about having fun failed to attract any roller coasters.
Not surprisingly, the concept of literary theme parks came from the mind of industry pioneer Walt Disney himself. Before he died, Disney envisioned a new theme park based on the collected works on Ayn Rand, but the plans were scrapped when it was determined that all of the rides would induce vomiting.
"The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" is divided into different areas based on the various themes of the books. We suggest tackling them in order. Start at Child Neglect, then move on to Murder, Discrimination, Betrayal, and Revenge. For your lunch break, stop by the Three Broomsticks for some fish and chips. Spend the afternoon seeing The Media and the Government Conspiring to Silence the Truth, Torture, War, Genocide, and Bereavement. It’s a family vacation you’ll never forget, despite years of therapy.
Although it is unusual, "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" is not the first theme park to be based on a book. Theme park enthusiasts may recall the "Six Flags Great Adventure Catcher on the Rye Land." That park’s dismal failure was largely attributed to excessively long lines at the security checkpoints--Not only did they have to check everybody’s tickets on the way in, but they also had to give everybody who entered an FBI file.
Most recently, in 2007, "Rhonda Byrne’s Fantasy La La Land" was based on the power-of-positive-thinking bestseller The Secret. Although it drew millions of loyal fans of the book, they all left disappointed as they discovered the “park” was just an empty field and, inexplicably, just thinking really hard about having fun failed to attract any roller coasters.
Not surprisingly, the concept of literary theme parks came from the mind of industry pioneer Walt Disney himself. Before he died, Disney envisioned a new theme park based on the collected works on Ayn Rand, but the plans were scrapped when it was determined that all of the rides would induce vomiting.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Art Instruction, Inc. Should Offer Photoshop Classes
Do you like to copy and paste? If so, you may have what it takes to be a great artist! Take our admissions test to enroll in classes at the Art Instruction, Inc. of Minneapolis, Minnesota!
Our graduates have gone on to create some of the top animated GIF sod monkeys acting like humans. Enroll today and you’ll be retouching your Match.com profile picture like a real professional!
Instructions:
Our graduates have gone on to create some of the top animated GIF sod monkeys acting like humans. Enroll today and you’ll be retouching your Match.com profile picture like a real professional!
Instructions:
- Download the image of Tippy the Turtle and the Pirate.
- Put Tippy the Turtle's head on Megan Fox's body.
- Work the Pirate into a new LOLCatz image.
- Now grab a photo from Stacey Feinstein’s Facebook page and make it look like she's making out with Tippy the Turtle. That'll show her!
- Make it look like the Pirate is developing nuclear weapons capabilities.
- See how many PhotoShop filters you can add. Give yourself five bonus points using for “Neon Glow” and “Difference Clouds” in the same picture.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Who Would Be The Guest Stars If They Filmed a New Season of The Muppet Show?
The original version of The Muppet Show went off the air in 1981, which means that stars like Ethel Mermen, Rich Little, and Sandy Duncan have been without a showcase for their talents for decades. Well, they don’t make them like they used to. Do any of today’s stars have what it takes to fill the shoes of performers like Dom DeLuise? We think we’ve found some candidates who might be up for the challenge.
Host: Neil Patrick Harris
He's funny, he knows his way around a show tune, and as an added bonus, he's a closet vaudevillian. (Did you know Dr. Horrible himself is an amateur magician?) Best of all, he's proven time and again that he's willing to just roll with it, however silly "it" may be. See his image-tweaking performances in Harold & Kumar, his Old Spice commercial, and his dead on impersonation of Doogie Howser (as seen in episodes of both How I Met Your Mother and Celebrity Poker Showdown.)
Episode Highlight: After suffering through willfully bad "Doggie Howser, MD" jokes from the cast of Veterinarians Hospital, Neil leads Rowlf and the dogs through a cover of "Stray Cat Strut" (proving once and for all that Neil's got cat class and he's got cat style.)
Host: Will Smith
He'd be fantastic, no question about it. But since he's arguably the biggest star in the world, he'd probably never do it... Unless his car got a flat and he had to run into the Muppet Theater to use the phone to call for a tow. Then I suppose there's a chance they could trick him onto performing. Or, if things were really desperate, Sweatums could tie him to a chair and hold him hostage.
Episode Highlight: For those of you who have been wondering what a "Jiggy" is, apparently they're purple, furry, and they'll eat anything that isn't nailed down.
Host: Kristin Chenoweth
With a Broadway-level singing voice, SNL-level comic timing, and a clear willingness to sing and act in silly bits, Chenoweth may be the ultimate Muppet host. Given her height, she's practically a Muppet already. Bonus points: appeared with Bill Irwin and Michael Jeter as Miss Noodle in a Sesame Street video.
Episode Highlight: A touching performance of the ballad "God Bless the Child" marred only by the background vocals being sung by a choir comprised of 6 month old babies.
Host: Alec Baldwin
In addition to being deadly-funny on 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin has shown off his talent for skits on over 8 gagillion episodes of Saturday Night Live. He can also hold a tune. Singing isn't mandatory for guests stars on The Muppet Show (nor is holding a tune), but it helps!
Episode Highlight: After using a series of disguises and Ninja techniques to sneak past his bodyguards, Miss Piggy convinces Alec to sing a dressing room duet of "It Had to Be You."
Host: Ellen DeGeneres
She's one of the funniest people on that planet. That should be enough for anybody, but Ellen also has a unique style--she's warm, fuzzy, and charming as heck on the surface, but she also has a bit of a subversive streak to her material and some of her bits take gleefully absurdist tangents. If that doesn't say "Muppets," what does?
Episode Highlight: Whether she'd be comfortable warbling a tune remains uncertain, but she'll excel at doing "the mashed potato" alongside her new dance partner -- an 8-foot-tall pile of mashed potatoes -- in a sketch called "Dancing With the Spuds."
Host: Steve Martin
He was the all-time best guest star on The Muppet Show and he's still got the talent and the career to merit a repeat visit. When he originally hosted, he was the wild and crazy guy. What would the more eloquent, wry Martin bring to the table?
Episode Highlight: It takes a talented man to deliver an insightful commentary on the lesser-known works of Dostoyevsky while playing the banjo.
Host: Dwayne Johnson
Yeah, that's right. The Rock. The original series featured action stars like Roger Moore and Sylvester Stallone. You could argue that Dwayne is a better actor than both of them, and he's definitely funnier. We can easily imagine him singing "I Feel Pretty" with Gonzo.
Episode Highlight: "Can you smell what the Swedish Chef is cooking?"
Hosts: Penn & Teller
They need somebody to fill the vaudeville slot previously occupied by Shields and Yarnell, Mumenchantz, Senior Wences, and Doug Henning. If they seem a little to cruel for the Muppets, don't forget that the Muppets were the people who brought you Marvin Suggs.
Episode Highlight: Sawing Beaker, Animal, and Fozzie in half is the easy part. Getting the right tops reattached to the right bottoms could take the whole show.
Host: Dick Van Dyke
Thanks to Night in the Museum, we know he's still alive and dancing... And the man is a comedy legend. The Muppets excelled at paying tribute to THE GREATS. Who can forget watching the whole Muppet gang gather around to reverently watch George Burns or Gene Kelly? Dick Van Dyke deserves that kind of adulation.
Episode Highlight: Dick and Kermit duet on "The Sadder But Wiser Girl For Me."
Host: Bill O'Reilly
Okay, he'd be a terrible host, not because we disagree with him, but because he's humorless -- especially about himself. And you have to have a sense of humor about yourself to be a good guest star. We're only listing him because we'd love to see him deliver a “Muppet News Flash” so we can fulfill our dream of watching somebody drop anvils on his head.
Episode Highlight: O'Reilly reports on the late-breaking story of an in-flight mechanical error on a cargo plain full of live cows and bowling balls.
Hosts: Zac Efron (and the Cast of High School Musical)
This would be the modern answer to the original series episode featuring Mark Hamill and the Cast of Star Wars. (Special note to anybody who thinks comparing Star Wars to High School Musical denigrates the memory of the Star Wars films... we say it's too late for that. George Lucas already ruined our memories with the three prequels.)
Episode Highlight: Since we never actually see those kids put on a real high school musical, they finally get their chance when the cast turns the whole episode over to presenting a mangled version of Guys and Dolls.
Host: Weird Al
You may remember him as an 80's icon--sort of the human equivalent of a Rubik's Cube -- but Weird Al was no flash in the pan. He's still at it... and he's still really good! The secret to his success was his ability to make silly songs look easy, but he brought real cleverness and musical talent to the task. Al is a perfect guest star: The manic energy, the colorful clothes, the accordion... it's like he's a vision that came to Gonzo in a fever dream.
Episode Highlight: All of your favorite old-school Muppet songs crammed into a 3 minute polka medley.
Special Note For People Who Like Petitions: Due to "popular" demand, there is now a Facebook group called "Will Somebody Please Put The Muppet Show Back on the Air?"
Host: Neil Patrick Harris
He's funny, he knows his way around a show tune, and as an added bonus, he's a closet vaudevillian. (Did you know Dr. Horrible himself is an amateur magician?) Best of all, he's proven time and again that he's willing to just roll with it, however silly "it" may be. See his image-tweaking performances in Harold & Kumar, his Old Spice commercial, and his dead on impersonation of Doogie Howser (as seen in episodes of both How I Met Your Mother and Celebrity Poker Showdown.)
Episode Highlight: After suffering through willfully bad "Doggie Howser, MD" jokes from the cast of Veterinarians Hospital, Neil leads Rowlf and the dogs through a cover of "Stray Cat Strut" (proving once and for all that Neil's got cat class and he's got cat style.)
Host: Will Smith
He'd be fantastic, no question about it. But since he's arguably the biggest star in the world, he'd probably never do it... Unless his car got a flat and he had to run into the Muppet Theater to use the phone to call for a tow. Then I suppose there's a chance they could trick him onto performing. Or, if things were really desperate, Sweatums could tie him to a chair and hold him hostage.
Episode Highlight: For those of you who have been wondering what a "Jiggy" is, apparently they're purple, furry, and they'll eat anything that isn't nailed down.
Host: Kristin Chenoweth
With a Broadway-level singing voice, SNL-level comic timing, and a clear willingness to sing and act in silly bits, Chenoweth may be the ultimate Muppet host. Given her height, she's practically a Muppet already. Bonus points: appeared with Bill Irwin and Michael Jeter as Miss Noodle in a Sesame Street video.
Episode Highlight: A touching performance of the ballad "God Bless the Child" marred only by the background vocals being sung by a choir comprised of 6 month old babies.
Host: Alec Baldwin
In addition to being deadly-funny on 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin has shown off his talent for skits on over 8 gagillion episodes of Saturday Night Live. He can also hold a tune. Singing isn't mandatory for guests stars on The Muppet Show (nor is holding a tune), but it helps!
Episode Highlight: After using a series of disguises and Ninja techniques to sneak past his bodyguards, Miss Piggy convinces Alec to sing a dressing room duet of "It Had to Be You."
Host: Ellen DeGeneres
She's one of the funniest people on that planet. That should be enough for anybody, but Ellen also has a unique style--she's warm, fuzzy, and charming as heck on the surface, but she also has a bit of a subversive streak to her material and some of her bits take gleefully absurdist tangents. If that doesn't say "Muppets," what does?
Episode Highlight: Whether she'd be comfortable warbling a tune remains uncertain, but she'll excel at doing "the mashed potato" alongside her new dance partner -- an 8-foot-tall pile of mashed potatoes -- in a sketch called "Dancing With the Spuds."
Host: Steve Martin
He was the all-time best guest star on The Muppet Show and he's still got the talent and the career to merit a repeat visit. When he originally hosted, he was the wild and crazy guy. What would the more eloquent, wry Martin bring to the table?
Episode Highlight: It takes a talented man to deliver an insightful commentary on the lesser-known works of Dostoyevsky while playing the banjo.
Host: Dwayne Johnson
Yeah, that's right. The Rock. The original series featured action stars like Roger Moore and Sylvester Stallone. You could argue that Dwayne is a better actor than both of them, and he's definitely funnier. We can easily imagine him singing "I Feel Pretty" with Gonzo.
Episode Highlight: "Can you smell what the Swedish Chef is cooking?"
Hosts: Penn & Teller
They need somebody to fill the vaudeville slot previously occupied by Shields and Yarnell, Mumenchantz, Senior Wences, and Doug Henning. If they seem a little to cruel for the Muppets, don't forget that the Muppets were the people who brought you Marvin Suggs.
Episode Highlight: Sawing Beaker, Animal, and Fozzie in half is the easy part. Getting the right tops reattached to the right bottoms could take the whole show.
Host: Dick Van Dyke
Thanks to Night in the Museum, we know he's still alive and dancing... And the man is a comedy legend. The Muppets excelled at paying tribute to THE GREATS. Who can forget watching the whole Muppet gang gather around to reverently watch George Burns or Gene Kelly? Dick Van Dyke deserves that kind of adulation.
Episode Highlight: Dick and Kermit duet on "The Sadder But Wiser Girl For Me."
Host: Bill O'Reilly
Okay, he'd be a terrible host, not because we disagree with him, but because he's humorless -- especially about himself. And you have to have a sense of humor about yourself to be a good guest star. We're only listing him because we'd love to see him deliver a “Muppet News Flash” so we can fulfill our dream of watching somebody drop anvils on his head.
Episode Highlight: O'Reilly reports on the late-breaking story of an in-flight mechanical error on a cargo plain full of live cows and bowling balls.
Hosts: Zac Efron (and the Cast of High School Musical)
This would be the modern answer to the original series episode featuring Mark Hamill and the Cast of Star Wars. (Special note to anybody who thinks comparing Star Wars to High School Musical denigrates the memory of the Star Wars films... we say it's too late for that. George Lucas already ruined our memories with the three prequels.)
Episode Highlight: Since we never actually see those kids put on a real high school musical, they finally get their chance when the cast turns the whole episode over to presenting a mangled version of Guys and Dolls.
Host: Weird Al
You may remember him as an 80's icon--sort of the human equivalent of a Rubik's Cube -- but Weird Al was no flash in the pan. He's still at it... and he's still really good! The secret to his success was his ability to make silly songs look easy, but he brought real cleverness and musical talent to the task. Al is a perfect guest star: The manic energy, the colorful clothes, the accordion... it's like he's a vision that came to Gonzo in a fever dream.
Episode Highlight: All of your favorite old-school Muppet songs crammed into a 3 minute polka medley.
Special Note For People Who Like Petitions: Due to "popular" demand, there is now a Facebook group called "Will Somebody Please Put The Muppet Show Back on the Air?"
How the Recession Affects Sesame Street
- After its expenses come under increased government oversight, the number 4 pulls its sponsorship.
- Cookie Monster being replaced by his cousin, Ramen Noodle Monster.
- Elmo's World downsized to Elmo's Corner.
- Bob finally forced into retirement.
- Zoe replaced with an orange sock from the Dollar Store.
- Grover teaches Abby Cadabby about last and first. Specifically, "Last In, First Out."
- Hoopers Store out-sources its operations to workers living on Galli Galli Sim Sim.
- Thanks to a 50% off liquidation sale, all Double-U's are now U's.
- As more residents move into garbage cans, Oscar complains about gentrification.
- Count Von Count indicted on charges of counting some bats twice.
- After being laid off, Baby Bear just sits around watching the Telly all day... which makes Telly even more nervous than usual.
- In order to pay the bills, Grover forced to take on 8th job.
More Fake Celebrity Death Rumors From Twitter
TheRealNietzsche God is dead! OMDG!
PeteTownsend Rock is dead, they said. :(
SamClemens I heard rumors of Mark Twain's death.
JLennon Luap Deirub I
PeteTownsend Rock is dead, they said. :(
SamClemens I heard rumors of Mark Twain's death.
JLennon Luap Deirub I
F.T.C. Says Bloggers Must Give Full Disclosure
- I'm not wearing any pants.
- I can't be bothered to vote in local elections.
- I googled the actress who played Vicki on The Love Boat to see how she looks today. Attractive, but not my type.
- I had a brownie for breakfast.
- Growing up, I was afraid of the Spider Man segments of the Electric Company.
- I am afraid of spiders, but this is unrelated to anything on PBS.
- I own 56 CDs of show tunes, including 4 recordings of Sweeney Todd.
- Okay, I had TWO brownies for breakfast. There. Are you happy now?
- I think the original Star Wars movies are just okay. Also, I kind of liked the Ewoks.
- I've never read The Catcher in the Rye.
A Simple Program to Make the World a Better Place
10: Search for musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
20: If musical exists that meets stated parameters, go to 40.
30: If musical that meets stated parameters does not exist, write musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
40: Produce musical.
50: Cast Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
60: Bask in the glory of it all.
20: If musical exists that meets stated parameters, go to 40.
30: If musical that meets stated parameters does not exist, write musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
40: Produce musical.
50: Cast Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
60: Bask in the glory of it all.
Archetypical Twitter Posts
What Am I Doing?
Contemplating my navel
10:41 AM
Worrying about the erosion of privacy in the digital age
10:47 AM
Noticing the irony of last Twitter post
10:48 AM
Wishing I had the discipline to write one of those long, complicated blog posts
10:52 AM
Wishing I had some friends who didn't block my instant messages
10:55 AM
Crying out for attention for others
10:57 AM
Look at me!
10:58 AM
Look at me now!
10:59 AM
Now, now, now!
11:00 AM
Re-reading my own twitter posts and marveling at how fascinating I am
11:07 AM
Contemplating my navel
10:41 AM
Worrying about the erosion of privacy in the digital age
10:47 AM
Noticing the irony of last Twitter post
10:48 AM
Wishing I had the discipline to write one of those long, complicated blog posts
10:52 AM
Wishing I had some friends who didn't block my instant messages
10:55 AM
Crying out for attention for others
10:57 AM
Look at me!
10:58 AM
Look at me now!
10:59 AM
Now, now, now!
11:00 AM
Re-reading my own twitter posts and marveling at how fascinating I am
11:07 AM
Notable Names on the List of Other Beatles
The 5th Beatle: George Martin
The 6th Beatle: Pete Best
The 11th Beatle: Stuart Sutcliffe
The 39th Beatle: Peter O'Toole
The 153rd Beatle: Shari Lewis
The 207th Beatle: Charles de Gaulle
The 264th Beatle: George Takei
The 441st Beatle: Wilt Chamberlain
The 491st Beatle: Frank Oz
The 522nd Beatle: Jack Lemmon
The 796th Beatle: Truman Capote
The 6th Beatle: Pete Best
The 11th Beatle: Stuart Sutcliffe
The 39th Beatle: Peter O'Toole
The 153rd Beatle: Shari Lewis
The 207th Beatle: Charles de Gaulle
The 264th Beatle: George Takei
The 441st Beatle: Wilt Chamberlain
The 491st Beatle: Frank Oz
The 522nd Beatle: Jack Lemmon
The 796th Beatle: Truman Capote
In an Early Draft of the Watchmen Script, Alan Moore Explored Other Character Concepts for the Comedian
It's late at night. New York City. 1985.
A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.
Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"
Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.
Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.
The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.
Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."
Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.
A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.
Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"
Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.
Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.
The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.
Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."
Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.
Finalists for the Best Patent Award
The nominees are:
- The Heisenberg Compensator, patent by Dr. Emory Erickson
- The Positron Collider, patent by Dr. Egon Spengler
- The Flux Capacitor, patent by Dr. Emmett Brown
- Focused Erasure Procedure, patent by Dr. Howard Mierzwiak
- Earth, patent by Deep Thought
Reflections on "The Rainbow Connection"
Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
Wait--I can only name two.
One of them's this song, so that doesn't really count.
I guess that my theory's not true.
Wait--I can only name two.
One of them's this song, so that doesn't really count.
I guess that my theory's not true.
In Response to the AFI, We Present the 100 Worst Films
100. A Night at the Roxbury
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.
99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.
98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…
97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.
96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.
95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.
94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.
93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love Irish folk legends. In this film's defense, it's hard to hate anything that gives Warwick Davis work. He's sincerely kick-ass.
92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.
91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”
90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.
89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?
88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!
87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!
86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!
85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994
84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.
83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”
82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”
81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.
80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.
79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!
78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.
77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.
76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.
75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.
74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.
73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.
72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.
71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!
70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.
69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.
68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this is the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.
67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!
66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.
65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.
64. Flipper
Squeak!
63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.
62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.
61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!
60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!
59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?
58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.
57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!
56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.
55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.
54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.
53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.
52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.
51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.
50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.
49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.
48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.
47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”
46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.
45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.
44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)
43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky
42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.
41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!
40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”
39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.
38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!
37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.
36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.
35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.
34. Anaconda
There's no way an anaconda would ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.
33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.
32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.
31. Glitter
No comment.
30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”
29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.
28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!
27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.
26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…
25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.
24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”
23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.
22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.
21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!
20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?
19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.
18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.
17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.
15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.
14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.
13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.
12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!
11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.
10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.
9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”
8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.
7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.
6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!
5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!
4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.
3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!
2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!
1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.
At least It’s Pat had the decency to go strait to video.
99. Wall Street
Greed is good, but Charlie Sheen is not.
98. Dragnet
The movie itself isn’t that bad, but the ending credits feature Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd RAPPING! Spooky…
97. Blue Movie Blue
Brendan Frasier does Skinemax. Don’t get too excited, you see more of Brendan in George of the Jungle.
96. Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad, it’s kinda cute.
95. Free Wiley 3
Because the first two just weren’t politically correct enough.
94. The Italian Stallion
Sylvester Stallone proves his acting isn’t even up to porn standards.
93. Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood
This horror movie bombed at the box office, which disproves that old theory that African-American film goers love Irish folk legends. In this film's defense, it's hard to hate anything that gives Warwick Davis work. He's sincerely kick-ass.
92. The Wizard
This was goofy even for the 80s.
91. Mazes and Monsters
Tom Hanks stars as a mentally unstable and depressed college student who retreats into a fantasy world. “There’s no crying in Dungeons & Dragons!”
90. Dungeons & Dragons
A movie released in the year 2000 that tries to cash in on a craze that went out of fashion in 1986.
89. Being Human
Robin Williams plays five characters and they’re all boring. Where’s Mindy when you need her?
88. The Sound of Music
You know your musical is in trouble when the big production number is a song about a scale!
87. Car Pool
Oh boy, another family movie where the dad learns that spending time with your kids is a good thing! Thanks for the tip, Hollywood!
86. Valley Girl
Don’t name your movie after a song if you’re not going to use the song in the movie!
85. Lassie
You have to wonder who thought they could make money off of a Lassie movie in 1994
84. Up the Academy
It was originally going to be called MAD Magazine’s Up The Academy, but it was so bad that MAD actually had their name removed from the title.
83. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
It’s the one where they meet God. You just know God’s looking at Shatner and thinking “And I thought I was old!”
82. Mighty Joe Young
“Hey guys, I’ve got an idea for a movie--what if we did something like King Kong except the ape was smaller?”
81. Mario Bros. The Movie
It’s a movie based on a video game. Maybe Uwe Boll liked it.
80. Meatballs III
Meatballs stared Bill Murray as a free spirited camp counselor. Meatballs III starred Sally Kellerman as a Love God. Literally. She was an actual deity.
79. Wild Orchid
Soft focus, soft core porn. But it’s not soft focus enough: you can still make out Micky Rourke’s face!
78. Freaked
It was directed by Alex Winter, “Bill” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ‘Nuff said.
77. Sliver
It’s not just bad… It’s Joe Eszterhas bad.
76. Police Academy
Without this film, none of the six sequels would have been possible.
75. Cool World
Even when Kim Basinger is animated, she’s still pretty damn inanimate.
74. Blood on the Highway
And vomit on the floor of the drivers ed classroom.
73. The Doors
Sure sign of a bad bio pic—when you keep praying for the subject to hurry up and die so you can go home.
72. Accion Mutante
In case you have any film snob friends who think foreign films are inherently better than anything produced in Hollywood, rent Accion Mutante. It’s about a group of handicapped terrorists. Or something like that. We’re not good at reading subtitles.
71. Meet the Feebles
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings, he made this movie about puppets shooting up heroin. The joke is supposed to be that it’s like The Muppet Show, but sick and twisted. The joke fails because Jackson forgot that The Muppet Show already was sick and twisted! Half the sketches ended with something exploding or one of the characters getting eaten!
70. Little Shop of Horrors (The Original)
Skip me, Seymore.
69. Dr. Seuss' 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T
The perfect kids movie, if your kids happen to be hooked on Acid.
68. Back to School
The Kurt Vonnegut cameo is awesome, but otherwise this is the one black mark on Robert Downey Jr.’s resume.
67. Speed 2
If Keanue Reeves thought it was too bad to do, then you know it really blows!
66. Nothing But Trouble
Dan Aykroyd wears lots of fat make up, presumably to make John Candy feel pretty.
65. Getting Even With Dad
Remember seeing this movie? No? Then your hypno-therapist did a good job.
64. Flipper
Squeak!
63. The One with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.
62. The One with the The Chick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Charlie Sheen
You know the one.
61. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The only movie in history where people liked the TV spin-off BETTER!
60. Moonraker
Bond! In! Spaaaace!
59. Xanadu
Gene Kelley plus disco. What could go wrong?
58. A Boy and His Dog
Artsy fartsy, but mostly fartsy.
57. Rocky IV
We swear on a stack of bibles, this one features a talking robot!
56. Unzipped
It’s like Project Runway meets Truth or Dare.
55. The Scarlet Letter
The letter is D minus.
54. Burn Hollywood, Burn!
People used to pay Joe Eszterhas. Think about that for a while.
53. Hot Dog
During the skiing scenes, try to imagine you’re watching Better Off Dead. It will help you survive.
52. Silent Night, Deadly Night
It can’t live up to the wonderful title.
51. Night On Earth
It was supposed to take place on a single night, but it felt like it went on forever.
50. Boogie Nights
Normally you could watch Don Cheadle for hours. But that’s no excuse for director Paul Thomas Anderson showing him order a dozen donuts… one at a time.
49. Guys and Dolls
They gave Marlon Brando the big SINGING role, and Frank Sinatra the big ACTING role.
48. Cutthroat Island
It’s rated PG-13. Maybe it would have been better if it was rated Arrrrrrrrr! Sorry.
47. Over the Top
Sylvester Stallone stars in a movie that explores the high stakes, life or death world of... professional arm wrestling? Fun Fact: The theatrical trailer actually features the line “This time it’s for his son!”
46. Dune
Starring a pair of gold Speedos with Cadillac fins.
45. Zen and the Art of Sex
Filmed in Misogyny-Vission.
44. The King and I (Animated Version)
It’s just like the original film, but without Yul Brynner and with a monkey. What other musicals would benefit from the addition of a monkey? Hmmm…
Danny: Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Bubbles: Oooo! Aa aah aa! Ooo! Ee eee eeek!
Danny: Met a girl, crazy for me
Bubbles: Eek! Eeek! Eeeeek! (Flings poo at Travolta)
43. Double Jeopardy
Double Sucky
42. You’ve Got Mail
It’s always a bad sign when product placement makes its way into the movie’s title.
41. The English Patient
Dull, aimless storytelling, characters you just don’t care about, deathly slow pacing… but hey—the cinematography sure is pretty!
40. Highlander 2 -- The Quickening
“There should have been only one.”
39. Wuthering Heights
I’ll wait until the book comes out.
38. Pokemon -- The First Movie
The FIRST movie? Nooooooo!
37. Captain America
It ain’t good, but at least you can enjoy contemplating the fact that J.D. Salinger’s son is playing a super hero.
36. Regarding Henry
Stick to regarding Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.
35. Jack Frost
The ghost of a dead father inhabits a talking, melting snow man. It’s a family film for families who hate their kids.
34. Anaconda
There's no way an anaconda would ever swallow Jon Voight alive. Everybody knows that anacondas don’t want none unless they’ve got buns, hon.
33. Battlefield Earth
Goofy on a celestial level.
32. Showgirls
Another collaboration from the unholy partnership of Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven.
31. Glitter
No comment.
30. The Postman
Did you ever hear anybody say something like, “Boy, that James Taylor has such a great voice I could listen to him sing the phone book!” Sure you have. But I bet you never heard anybody say, “Boy, that Kevin Costner is such a good actor, I could watch him deliver the mail!”
29. Muppets From Space
When this film premiered, a team of talented puppeteers helped create the life-like illusion of Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.
28. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Help! I need someone… to stop the Bee Gees from screwing up Beatles songs!
27. Striptease
At least Showgirls had the decency to have wall-to-wall nudity. Most of the skin in this movie is on Burt Reynolds’ bald head.
26. It
It's not just a waste of your time--it's a waste of Tim Curry’s time. So sad…
25. Dirty Dancing
Okay, I know you like it… but that’s just the nostalgia talking. Listen to your heart. Deep down, you know it’s kind of not good, don’t you? I know that was hard for you to admit, but now the healing process can begin.
24. Grease
“Let’s make a movie based on that new musical Grease. It’s got an awesome 50s sound.”
“Change the 50s vibe to disco and you’ve got a deal!”
23. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
It’s written by the normally great Roger Ebert. But not so great here. As far as anyone can tell, it’s only purpose is to make other writers feel superior to movie critics.
22. Tie: Lambada and The Forbidden Dance
Once upon a time two competing movie studios rushed to complete two different films based on the same dance craze that nobody was actually doing.
21. Frankenpenis
It star John Wayne Bobbit and his surgically reattached penis!
20. Cruel Intentions
What do you call a guilty pleasure that isn’t pleasurable?
19. The Who’s Tommy
That’s no way to treat baked beans.
18. Vegas Vacation
This alleged comedy is so neutered that it features a Siegfried and Roy sequence… and yet it makes no Siegfried and Roy jokes. Wallace Shawn, in a brief cameo, does add a little life to the proceedings, but that’s just further proof of his ability to be a sparkling diamond even in when he’s surrounded by piles of crap.
17. Never Been Kissed
It’s a romantic comedy about a high school teacher who falls in love with his student. Sure, at the end he learns that she wasn’t really a teenager or a student… but he THOUGHT she was. And that’s nasty.
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
The book taught a generation of kids to love reading. The movie taught a generation of kids that the book is always better.
15. The Day the Clown Cried
Jerry Lewis directs and stars this movie about a clown in a Nazi concentration camp. It was never actually released. We can’t imagine why.
14. The Money Train
The Money Train gives formulaic cop movies a bad name.
13. Cool As Ice
This film was made to showcase the acting talents of Vanilla Ice. It also stars Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell’s performance makes Elle McPherson look like Dame Judi Dench.
12. Incubus
It stars William Shatner. But wait—it gets worse! The dialogue is in Esperanto, an entirely fabricated language!
11. The Flintstones
It’s hard to hate anything with any kind of Muppet in it, but this film is willing to do whatever it can to make you hate it anyway.
10. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
A.I.N.T. a good movie. It starts off really well, but every time you think it’s about to end, they add on another ending sequence. When the narrator comes in and announces that thousand of years passed and the earth is frozen and all of the people are dead… well, you might wish you were one of them.
9. The Talented Mr. Ripley
The cast is great, no doubt about it. But the screenplay and the direction are stunningly bad. It manages a rare feat. First, it drags on forever and makes you wish it would hurry up and end. Then, it tricks you into thinking it’s almost over several times in a row only to keep on trudging forward. Finally, when it does stop, it leaves you with a sense of, “Wait—was that the ending or did the projector just break?”
8. Batman and Robin
It goes without saying that this huge mess of a film is the worst superhero movie ever.
7. Pearl Harbor
Recipe for Disaster: Take a subject mater that holds a solemn and sacred spot in the history of our country. Then give it to director Michael “Never Met an Impalement or Explosion He Didn’t Like” Bay.
6. Shrek
There are so many things wrong with this movie. First, making references to other movies the audience liked is not the same thing as writing a screenplay. Second, this film breaks it’s own arm patting itself on the back for being feminist. Which would be great if it really were feminist. Yay, the Princess doesn’t have to end up with the Prince at the end of the story! She can have a happy ending without having to have a guy sweep her off her feet! She doesn’t need a man to complete her! Wait… what? Oh, we’re going to make her hook up with the title character at the end instead. Oh. Yeah, um… real great post modern feminism there guys! Third, the film is so proud of the moral of the story—don’t judge people by the way they look. Handsome isn’t always good and ugly isn’t always bad… unless of course you’re talking about a character based on a movie executive you have a personal grudge against. In that case, fuck teaching the kids a positive message! Make the villain as short as possible and have the heroes mock his physical appearance every chance they get!
5. JFK
Rule of Thumb 1—if you’re going to make a movie that builds up to a climactic trial scene… it better be clear to the audience what the defendant is on trial for. If somebody forces you to watch this, watch Kevin Costner ramble on about conspiracy theories and ask yourself what any of this has to do with Tommy Lee Jones? Rule of Thumb 2—If you want to make a movie that’s supposed to dig through the fabrications and lies to get to the truth, you might lose the moral high ground if you make up characters and ADD FOOTAGE to the Zapruder film!
4. Gone With the Wind
Even Birth of a Nation wasn’t this racist! There’s actually a shot in the movie that where the heroic Confederate soldiers are recovering in a makeshift hospital they set up in a church and the evil Northerners shoot the stain glass picture of Christ. Because apparently Christ loved slavery. Good grief. This movie’s fans will tell you it’s romantic, but Scarlet’s just a whiney little bitch. And you have to wait FOREVER for the big famous catch phrase.
3. Pretty Woman
Why do chicks think this crap is romantic? It’s about a guy who picks up a hooker! And then everybody gets upset when Hugh Grant actually does it... Sheesh!
2. Star Wars Episode 1
Fans lined up around the block to see this film, and then lined up in the aisles to walk out on it!
1. Sweet Home Alabama
If you need proof that this is the worst movie ever made, look no further than the following scene. At the end of the movie, our star, Reese Witherspoon, decides to leave her fiancé (Patrick Dempsey) at the altar for another man. For some reason he’s okay with this. (That’s okay, honey. Go run off with another guy with my blessing.) Apparently this is normal behavior. The groom’s mother (Candice Bergen), who happens to be the Mayor of New York, is upset that Reese is walking out on her son during the wedding ceremony – a ceremony she paid for, by the way. Apparently this is outlandish behavior on her part and she deserves some comeuppance in the eyes of the filmmakers. Therefore, the mother of the groom is punched in the face and knocked to the ground. The father of the bride, who happens to be wearing a confederate uniform at the time, is so happy that the Mayor of New York has been beaten up that he triumphantly stands over her and triumphantly declares “The South has risen again!” This is meant to make the audience feel all happy and romantic. Andy Tennet – you are a gigantic moron.
Celebrating 30 Years of Video Games Killing Children
The Year: 1978
The Game: Space Invaders
What the Politicians Said: Space Invaders will kill your children! This dangerous "game" gives players three "lives." This will clearly make children think they can get another life after they die, thereby causing kids to start killing themselves in droves thinking that they can instantly come back to life! Video games will promote teen suicide! Vote for us and we'll save your children from themselves!
The Year: 1993
The Game: Doom
What the Politicians Said: Okay, we were wrong about Space Invaders, Frogger, and Pac Man making kids jump off of buildings, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that we aren't RIGHT when we tell you that Doom will kill your children dead! This vile excuse for "entertainment" is different from the harmless games that came before it because it shows the violence happening from the point of view of the player. Since gamers are all stupid, we know for a fact that they will be unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Clearly Doom poses a danger that a real gun never could! Playing Doom will make your neighbor’s stupid kid murder your darling angel of a child! Vote for us or your children will surely die!!
The Year: 2001
The Game: Halo
What the Politicians Said: When you were kids, you played nice, safe, harmless games like Space Invaders. The aliens looked like little white boxes. But these new games that kids are playing today have deadly graphics! They are too lifelike -- There's no way for a kid to tell the difference between people in the real world and the alien monsters they kill on their Halo machines! Do we have to draw you a map? Don't you see how this will lead to big heaping piles of dead kids?
The Year: 2007
The Game: Manhunt
What the Politicians Said: While we have to admit that we were wrong again about Halo, we still have to warn you that the Nintendo Wii was the deadliest video game system ever! In games like Manhunt, players enact killings by actually waving their arms around in a vague simulation of real life chainsaw swinging action! This unprecedented level of immersion would -- absolutely, no doubt about it, we swear on a stack of bibles this time -- make those mentally unbalanced gamers finally snap! The experience they gain by wiggling the remote control joystick device will surely teach them everything they need to know about buying a gun, loading the ammunition, turning the safety off, bracing for the kickback, aiming, and firing! We're talking about kids killing kids here, people, so get scared and start voting for us!
The Year: 2008
The Game: Grand Theft Auto IV
What the Politicians Say: Studies now show that the average video game player is not a child at all and that their average age is actually 34. Considering this alarming data -- along with our history of pandering for votes by portraying gamers as evil, psychopathic, nut jobs for more than a quarter of a century now -- we have determined the obvious course of action: To protect our political careers, it is imperative that we raise the voting age to 35!
The Game: Space Invaders
What the Politicians Said: Space Invaders will kill your children! This dangerous "game" gives players three "lives." This will clearly make children think they can get another life after they die, thereby causing kids to start killing themselves in droves thinking that they can instantly come back to life! Video games will promote teen suicide! Vote for us and we'll save your children from themselves!
The Year: 1993
The Game: Doom
What the Politicians Said: Okay, we were wrong about Space Invaders, Frogger, and Pac Man making kids jump off of buildings, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that we aren't RIGHT when we tell you that Doom will kill your children dead! This vile excuse for "entertainment" is different from the harmless games that came before it because it shows the violence happening from the point of view of the player. Since gamers are all stupid, we know for a fact that they will be unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Clearly Doom poses a danger that a real gun never could! Playing Doom will make your neighbor’s stupid kid murder your darling angel of a child! Vote for us or your children will surely die!!
The Year: 2001
The Game: Halo
What the Politicians Said: When you were kids, you played nice, safe, harmless games like Space Invaders. The aliens looked like little white boxes. But these new games that kids are playing today have deadly graphics! They are too lifelike -- There's no way for a kid to tell the difference between people in the real world and the alien monsters they kill on their Halo machines! Do we have to draw you a map? Don't you see how this will lead to big heaping piles of dead kids?
The Year: 2007
The Game: Manhunt
What the Politicians Said: While we have to admit that we were wrong again about Halo, we still have to warn you that the Nintendo Wii was the deadliest video game system ever! In games like Manhunt, players enact killings by actually waving their arms around in a vague simulation of real life chainsaw swinging action! This unprecedented level of immersion would -- absolutely, no doubt about it, we swear on a stack of bibles this time -- make those mentally unbalanced gamers finally snap! The experience they gain by wiggling the remote control joystick device will surely teach them everything they need to know about buying a gun, loading the ammunition, turning the safety off, bracing for the kickback, aiming, and firing! We're talking about kids killing kids here, people, so get scared and start voting for us!
The Year: 2008
The Game: Grand Theft Auto IV
What the Politicians Say: Studies now show that the average video game player is not a child at all and that their average age is actually 34. Considering this alarming data -- along with our history of pandering for votes by portraying gamers as evil, psychopathic, nut jobs for more than a quarter of a century now -- we have determined the obvious course of action: To protect our political careers, it is imperative that we raise the voting age to 35!
Other Theories Charles Darwin Developed On His Trip to the Galapagos Islands
The Theory of Penguins Being Totally Cute
The Theory of Iguanas Smelling Bad When There Are Too Many of Them In One Spot
The Theory that The S.S. Beagle Could Use a Woman's Touch
The Theory that Sea Lions Have Sharp Teeth
The Theory that You Can Balance an Egg Here
The Theory of Sleeping on Volcanic Rocks Being Bad for the Back
The Theory of Big Animals Eating Smaller Animals
The Theory of That Turtle Being so Huge I Bet I Could Ride it Like a Horse
The Theory of Iguanas Smelling Bad When There Are Too Many of Them In One Spot
The Theory that The S.S. Beagle Could Use a Woman's Touch
The Theory that Sea Lions Have Sharp Teeth
The Theory that You Can Balance an Egg Here
The Theory of Sleeping on Volcanic Rocks Being Bad for the Back
The Theory of Big Animals Eating Smaller Animals
The Theory of That Turtle Being so Huge I Bet I Could Ride it Like a Horse
An Open Letter to Stephen Sondheim
Dear Mr. Sondheim,
If you would permit us to be so bold, we have a suggestion for how you can take an already treasured song and make it even more emotionally resonant. In your musical Sunday in the Park With George, you illuminate George Seurat's passion for his work by showing his obsession with the details of his painting in the song "Finishing the Hat." What if instead of focusing on the hat, his concentration were instead being consumed by the monkey?
Look how the lyrics take on a new life when you change a single word:
Finishing the monkey
How you have to finish the monkey
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the monkey
Imagine how the audience will rise to their feet when they hear the emotional climax of the song:
Look, I made a monkey
Where there never was a monkey!
Yes, we know you'd have to add an extra beat to the song to accommodate the extra syllable, but don't you think it's worth it?
Please feel free to use these new lyrics. You don't even have to pay us.
Sincerely,
The Editors
If you would permit us to be so bold, we have a suggestion for how you can take an already treasured song and make it even more emotionally resonant. In your musical Sunday in the Park With George, you illuminate George Seurat's passion for his work by showing his obsession with the details of his painting in the song "Finishing the Hat." What if instead of focusing on the hat, his concentration were instead being consumed by the monkey?
Look how the lyrics take on a new life when you change a single word:
Finishing the monkey
How you have to finish the monkey
How you watch the rest of the world
From a window
While you finish the monkey
Imagine how the audience will rise to their feet when they hear the emotional climax of the song:
Look, I made a monkey
Where there never was a monkey!
Yes, we know you'd have to add an extra beat to the song to accommodate the extra syllable, but don't you think it's worth it?
Please feel free to use these new lyrics. You don't even have to pay us.
Sincerely,
The Editors
The A Cappella Epidemic
The Background Scoop
Back in the day, colleges used to have something called "Glee Clubs." Basically, a bunch of preppy college boys would get together and sing reverential versions of "Coney Island Baby," "Lida Rose," and other songs you've never heard of. They were extremely irritating, but the problem was mostly confined to elitist schools that you couldn't get into without buying a new library.
Unfortunately, over the past few years, a cappella groups exploded in popularity. Nowadays, vocal groups are a major activity on college campuses. It's not just about singing--it's a major social event. Think of it as being like a frat but with less beer and more medleys of Abba songs. Whereas glee clubs used to sing without any instrumental accompaniment because they didn't happen to have any pianos handy, modern a cappella groups think that music sounds better without instruments!
These groups are not innocent clubs--they're cults! If you don't believe that, look at the matching outfits! Why would a college kid want to dress like that if they hadn't been brainwashed?
You can't walk five feet on a college campus without being serenaded with a perky version of "Karma Chameleon" or some other 80s tune you never wanted to hear again. Worse still, a cappella groups are starting to pop up in high schools, too! We can no longer ignore the fact that this is no mere extra-curricular activity, it's a pandemic.
The Warning Signs
How can you tell if somebody you know is a victim of the a cappella epidemic? Here are some of the tell-tale signs to watch out for:
How to Deprogram Them
If somebody you know shows the warning signs, an intervention just won't cut it--you're going to need to set up a full blown deprogramming session.
Corner them in their dorm room, duck tape them to their desk chair, shine a lamp in their face, and start telling them the hard truths they don't want to hear. The following phrases and themes have been shown to be highly effective, so don't be afraid to use them often:
Back in the day, colleges used to have something called "Glee Clubs." Basically, a bunch of preppy college boys would get together and sing reverential versions of "Coney Island Baby," "Lida Rose," and other songs you've never heard of. They were extremely irritating, but the problem was mostly confined to elitist schools that you couldn't get into without buying a new library.
Unfortunately, over the past few years, a cappella groups exploded in popularity. Nowadays, vocal groups are a major activity on college campuses. It's not just about singing--it's a major social event. Think of it as being like a frat but with less beer and more medleys of Abba songs. Whereas glee clubs used to sing without any instrumental accompaniment because they didn't happen to have any pianos handy, modern a cappella groups think that music sounds better without instruments!
These groups are not innocent clubs--they're cults! If you don't believe that, look at the matching outfits! Why would a college kid want to dress like that if they hadn't been brainwashed?
You can't walk five feet on a college campus without being serenaded with a perky version of "Karma Chameleon" or some other 80s tune you never wanted to hear again. Worse still, a cappella groups are starting to pop up in high schools, too! We can no longer ignore the fact that this is no mere extra-curricular activity, it's a pandemic.
The Warning Signs
How can you tell if somebody you know is a victim of the a cappella epidemic? Here are some of the tell-tale signs to watch out for:
- When listening to their car radio, instead of singing along with the lead singer, do they sing along with the drummer?
- Do they know all the words to the school alma mater?
- Instead of downloading MP3s from Kaaza like a normal student, did you catch them hanging out on eBay trying to buy more VHS tapes of old Carmen Sandiego episodes?
- Instead of discovering an illicit hash-pipe hidden at the bottom of the sock drawer, do you instead find that they've hidden a pitch-pipe?
- Does it drive them nuts when you confuse "a cappella" with "barbershop?"
How to Deprogram Them
If somebody you know shows the warning signs, an intervention just won't cut it--you're going to need to set up a full blown deprogramming session.
Corner them in their dorm room, duck tape them to their desk chair, shine a lamp in their face, and start telling them the hard truths they don't want to hear. The following phrases and themes have been shown to be highly effective, so don't be afraid to use them often:
- The dining hall is NOT a suitable performance venue! You are NOT making the eggplant parmagian taste any better! Students did NOT expect your all-vocal version of "Broken Wings" to be included in the meal plan!
- Don't be afraid. The guitar is your friend. It won't hurt you.
- "Vocal Percussion" will not help you meet women! It will only help you spit on them!
Rejected Song Titles from High School Musical 3: Senior Year
“(Hey! Hey!) It's Senior Skip Day!”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”
“I'm Ready to Go to First Base”
“Who Spiked the Punch? (The Prom Song)”
“Let's All Apply to the Same College”
“Baby, You Boost My SAT Verbals”
“Application Essay of Love”
“Can You Feel the Financial Aid Form Groove?”
“The Mono Duet”
“Sending a Recommendation Letter to Your Heart”
“I Want the Phat Envelope”
“It’s Time to Let Our Grades Slide”
Study: The Predictive Qualities of Rob Reiner's Stand By Me
An Empirical Analysis Comparing the Futures of the Actor Wil Wheaton and the Character "Gordie Lachance" from Stand By Me
Finding Number 1: Stand By Me achieves mixed results in predicting the appearance of a 30-something Wil Wheaton.
a. In his adulthood, Wil Wheaton neither looks nor sounds like Richard Dreyfuss, the actor who portrayed the older version of Gordie Lachance.
b. Based on the appearances of both actors at the time of this study, Wil Wheaton continues to strongly resemble John Cusack who portrayed Gordie Lachance's brother Denny in the 1986 film.
Finding Number 2: There is a strong correlation between the career paths of the performer and the character
a. The real life Wil Wheaton and the fictional Gordie Lachance both grow up to be professional writers. Mr. Wheaton does not yet appear to have the same level of success as Mr. Lachance as seen in the film's coda. (It is estimated that Mr. Lachance's book sales are on par with Stephen King's.) However, Mr. Wheaton does appear to be more technically adept than his on-screen counterpart in that, unlike Mr. Lachance, he would most certainly know that he should save his manuscripts before turning off his computer.
Finding Number 1: Stand By Me achieves mixed results in predicting the appearance of a 30-something Wil Wheaton.
a. In his adulthood, Wil Wheaton neither looks nor sounds like Richard Dreyfuss, the actor who portrayed the older version of Gordie Lachance.
b. Based on the appearances of both actors at the time of this study, Wil Wheaton continues to strongly resemble John Cusack who portrayed Gordie Lachance's brother Denny in the 1986 film.
Finding Number 2: There is a strong correlation between the career paths of the performer and the character
a. The real life Wil Wheaton and the fictional Gordie Lachance both grow up to be professional writers. Mr. Wheaton does not yet appear to have the same level of success as Mr. Lachance as seen in the film's coda. (It is estimated that Mr. Lachance's book sales are on par with Stephen King's.) However, Mr. Wheaton does appear to be more technically adept than his on-screen counterpart in that, unlike Mr. Lachance, he would most certainly know that he should save his manuscripts before turning off his computer.
Other Menu Items at Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies
Brunch:
Huevos Ranchers
Side Dishes:
French Fries
Italian Fries
Irish Fries
Fries of Mixed Ancestry
Broccoli Rabbi
Beverages:
Iced Teacher
Genius Ale
Stout Logger
Sam Adams
Appetizers:
Cobbler Salad
Desserts:
Bard Pudding
Chocolate Lawyer Cake
Entrees:
Jumbo Pimp
Fish and Chip
Huevos Ranchers
Side Dishes:
French Fries
Italian Fries
Irish Fries
Fries of Mixed Ancestry
Broccoli Rabbi
Beverages:
Iced Teacher
Genius Ale
Stout Logger
Sam Adams
Appetizers:
Cobbler Salad
Desserts:
Bard Pudding
Chocolate Lawyer Cake
Entrees:
Jumbo Pimp
Fish and Chip
These Domain Names Are All Available
In reviewing the traffic data for this website, we were surprised to notice that two distinct users came here after googling the term "whore in clown makeup." (If you're wondering why that search would point users to a site meant to provide visitors with funny things to read while they should be working, take a look at this entertaining, but decidedly non-perverted article.)
So, if you're an aspiring pornographer looking for a niche, be advised that apparently there are at least two people online who are willing to pay good money for sex with clowns. To help get you started in your entrepreneurial efforts, the following web addresses are all currently available for your use as of the time of this posting.
www.bozo-on-bozo-action.com
www.clowncarorgy.com
www.reallyreallyreallybigfootfetish.com
www.ringlingbrothersescorts.com
www.squeezemynose.com
www.hothobos.com
www.squirtingflowers.com
www.girlswhojuggle.com
www.baggypanties.com
So, if you're an aspiring pornographer looking for a niche, be advised that apparently there are at least two people online who are willing to pay good money for sex with clowns. To help get you started in your entrepreneurial efforts, the following web addresses are all currently available for your use as of the time of this posting.
www.bozo-on-bozo-action.com
www.clowncarorgy.com
www.reallyreallyreallybigfootfetish.com
www.ringlingbrothersescorts.com
www.squeezemynose.com
www.hothobos.com
www.squirtingflowers.com
www.girlswhojuggle.com
www.baggypanties.com
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