A Philosophical and Political Question

Do Teabaggers Dream of Demon Sheep?

Three Things Wrong With Late Night Comedy

While everybody is following the spectacularly terrible job NBC is doing with their late-night line up (stop canceling Jay on the installment plan and leave Conan where he is!), the time is ripe to look at what's wrong with the actual comedy. Here are three things that are consistently troublesome:

1. Jay Leno Steals Jokes

Yep, it's the ultimate sin in comedy and Jay does it all the time. Amazingly, he does it in plain sight. In his recurring "Headlines" segment, Jay reads headlines or the fine print from real newspapers and magazines. This often involves typos or other slip ups that make things sound unintentionally funny. There's nothing wrong with a little found humor, I guess. But not everything in the "Headlines" segment is an accident. Sometimes a headline is funny because an editor at some local paper wanted to write a funny headline. Sometimes those "stupid criminal" stories Jay likes so much only made the paper in the first place because the editors thought they were funny. When Jay reads them on the air, he's using somebody else's material. Just because they wrote it in a deadpan style doesn't mean they weren't trying to be funny. Jay knows that, but he still goes on the air and acts like he's the first person to notice the humor.

Think the writers and editors of all those local papers are getting TV writing credits or compensation from NBC? Yeah, me neither.

2. Everybody Makes Fun of People For Dying

Let's say you're not famous, but you did something that made some sort of cultural impact. Nobody knows your name, but everybody remembers that thing you invented or the company you followed. I've got some bad news for you. When you die, every late-night talk show host is going to make fun of your death. There's a weird, unwritten rule that it's okay to do this if the joke says that you died or will be buried in a manner reminiscent of the thing you would be best known for. This is, for lack of a better phrase, extremely tacky. The subjects of these jokes did not lead public lives, but they are dragged briefly into the spotlight for a cheap joke (a joke that often implies the mutilation of their dead body.) Basically, if somebody merits a small obit in the paper ("The inventor of the Slinky passed away yesterday..."), then they will be mocked on the talk shows. I guarantee that when they inventor of the Slap Chop dies, you'll hear multiple monologue jokes about how his remains are being diced into small pieces and sprinkled over ice-cream.

What makes it worse is that there is an exception to the rule. You will never hear a joke like this about anybody in the entertainment industry. Making a joke about their deceased friends and colleagues would apparently be in poor taste. And predict that when Jay Leno dies, Letterman will make a heartfelt tribute to his former rival. He will most certainly not say "His family says they will miss him, but they are replacing him with an episode of Dateline."

3. The Community Jokes Are Tired (and Often Untrue)

The Community Joke is a joke that's been said so many times that half the country takes the punchline as conventional wisdom. Bush is stupid. Gore is dull. The Harry Potter actors look like they should be in AARP. Angelina Jolie has a million kids. Pavarotti is fat.

These jokes are bad because they're overdone, but more importantly, they're bad because they get accepted as true. And they're not necessarily true. Bush was poorly spoken and uninterested in nuance, but he wasn't stupid. Gore wasn't folksy and he was too interested in nuance, but he can be funny and engaging. People have been joking about the Harry Potter stars since the second film, but when you see them in the last movie, they three actors will be 19, 20, and 21--which is a reasonable age for an actor passing as a high school senior on screen. (The stars of Ferris Bueller's Day Off were around 19, 23, and 29.) Angelina Jolie has six children. That's more than some people, but it's not unusual by any means. She can certainly afford to take care of them and nobody has ever questioned her abilities as a parent... so why do we mock her for doing something that so many people do? Because it's an easy punchline that we can all use. That's the nature of the community joke.

Okay, I grant you, it's true that Pavarotti was a heavyset guy. God rest his soul.

Reflections on "The Rainbow Connection"

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
Wait--I can only name two.
One of them's this song, so that doesn't really count.
I guess that my theory's not true.

Fun With Your Radio

Call the request line for your local top 40 station. (If you're not sure which station that is, it's the one with a morning show hosted by two guys who go by a name like "Craig-Man and The Biscuit.") When you make it through, follow this script.

YOU: I'd like to request anything by Elvis Costello.

DJ: Sorry, we don't play him.

YOU: Oh. How about something by Dire Straits, Ben Folds, or Joe Jackson?

DJ: Sorry, we don't play them either. We're only play Pop.

YOU: But don't those artists all play Pop music?

DJ: Yes, but it's a different genre of Pop.

YOU: There are different kinds of Pop?

DJ: Exactly, and we only play a certain kind. That's our format.

YOU: Oh. I see. One more quick question. If you only play a certain kind of Pop music, how come you spent the entire two months leading up to Christmas playing a rotation that leaned heavily on Big Band, Childrens, Classical, R&B, Smooth Jazz, Spanish Language, American Songbook, Comedy, Classic Rock, Oldies, and Country songs?

At this point the DJ will suddenly sound like he's not reading from a script.

Notable Names on the List of Other Beatles

The 5th Beatle: George Martin
The 6th Beatle: Pete Best
The 11th Beatle: Stuart Sutcliffe
The 39th Beatle: Peter O'Toole
The 153rd Beatle: Shari Lewis
The 207th Beatle: Charles de Gaulle
The 264th Beatle: George Takei
The 441st Beatle: Wilt Chamberlain
The 491st Beatle: Frank Oz
The 522nd Beatle: Jack Lemmon
The 796th Beatle: Truman Capote

Where Do You Stand? The Beatles: Rock Band or Journey?

More Fake Celebrity Death Rumors From Twitter

TheRealNietzsche God is dead! OMDG!

PeteTownsend Rock is dead, they said. :(

SamClemens I heard rumors of Mark Twain's death.

JLennon Luap Deirub I

F.T.C. Says Bloggers Must Give Full Disclosure

The Federal Trade Commission says that bloggers must give full disclosure. This won't kick in until December, but I thought I'd avoid the Christmas rush and take care of it now:

Full Disclosure:

• I'm not wearing any pants.
• I can't be bothered to vote in local elections.
• I googled the actress who played Vicki on The Love Boat to see how she looks today. Attractive, but not my type.
• I had a brownie for breakfast.
• Growing up, I was afraid of the Spider Man segments of the Electric Company.
• I am afraid of spiders, but this is unrelated to anything on PBS.
• I own 56 CDs of show tunes, including 4 recordings of Sweeney Todd.
• Okay, I had TWO brownies for breakfast. There. Are you happy now?
• I think the original Star Wars movies are just okay. Also, I kind of liked the Ewoks.
• I've never read The Catcher in the Rye.

Newly Relased Photo of Apollo Mission to the Moon

Truly, he was the Hardest Working Man in NASA.

Warning: Giant Harry Potter Spoiler

We have an exclusive spoiler for the new Harry Potter film. According to our confidential sources, The Half Blood Prince will feature the death of a "major and beloved" character.

The Prop 8 Ruling Sounds Oddly Familiar...

The California Supreme Court just plagiarized their ruling on Prop 8 from Shakespeare:

I say, we will have no more marriages:
those that are married already, all but one, shall
live; the rest shall keep as they are.
- Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1

New Holiday: June 6 is "Fuck You Ann Coulter Day"

To mark the original publication date of her book Godless: The Church of Liberalism, June 6 has been named Fuck You Ann Coulter Day. Ann Coulter has published many books, but Godless has been chosen for this special honor because it contains truly timeless comments on widows who lost their husbands in the attack on the World Trade Center. Highlights of Coulter's text include "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much... How do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy." Commentary like that richly deserves a national holiday like this.

Here are some ways that you can celebrate Fuck You Ann Coulter Day.

• Arrange a bible study group to discuss whether or not it's possible for Ann Coulter to go to Hell if she has no soul.
• Close your eyes and imagine that you're throwing used tampons at Ann Coulter.
• Ponder how God and Ann Coulter can co-exist in the same universe.
• Give people respect and treat them with kindness and know that this increase in decency will cause Ann Coulter to break out in hives.
  
• Gather together with friends to play a festive holiday game. Take turns throwing up. Whoever's stomach bile most closely resembles the writings of Ann Coulter wins an apple pie.

Stolen Answers to the Upcoming SAT Exam

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

All answers are listed alphabetically. For a chronological listing, please send $50.

How the Recession Affects Sesame Street

After its expenses come under increased government oversight, the number 4 pulls its sponsorship.

Cookie Monster being replaced by his cousin, Ramen Noodle Monster.

Elmo's World downsized to Elmo's Corner.

Bob finally forced into retirement.

Zoe replaced with an orange sock from the Dollar Store.

Grover teaches Abby Cadabby about last and first. Specifically, "Last In, First Out."

Hoopers Store out-sources its operations to workers living on Galli Galli Sim Sim.

Thanks to a 50% off liquidation sale, all Double-U's are now U's.

As more residents move into garbage cans, Oscar complains about gentrification.

Count Von Count indicted on charges of counting some bats twice.

After being laid off, Baby Bear just sits around watching the Telly all day... which makes Telly even more nervous than usual.

In order to pay the bills, Grover forced to take on 8th job.

New Tag Lines for SyFy (The TV Network Formally Known as SciFi)

SyFy: We're Lame Like That
SyFy: Our Fans Embarrass Us
SyFy: Isn't Our Name Cute?
SyFy: From the Makers of Furby
SyFy: Our Target Viewer is Sarah From The Movie Labyrinth
SyFy: Because SyGoldberg Was Already Taken
SyFy: Sponsored By New Coke
SyFy: It's Like Lifetime With More Temporal Paradoxes
SyFy: Please Don't Think About Syphilis
SyFy: We Didn't Stop To Think That It Looks Like It's Pronounced Siffy (Rhymes With Iffy)

A Simple Program to Make the World a Better Place

10: Search for musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
20: If musical exists that meets stated parameters, go to 40.
30: If musical that meets stated parameters does not exist, write musical that could co-star Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
40: Produce musical.
50: Cast Brent Spiner and Neil Patrick Harris.
60: Bask in the glory of it all.

Theory: I Am A Cast Member on 30 Rock

Evidence: I have never appeared in an episode of 30 Rock.
Conclusion: I very well may be a core cast member.

Archetypical Twitter Posts

What Am I Doing?

Contemplating my navel
10:41 AM

Worrying about the erosion of privacy in the digital age
10:47 AM

Noticing the irony of last Twitter post
10:48 AM

Wishing I had the discipline to write one of those long, complicated blog posts
10:52 AM

Wishing I had some friends who didn't block my instant messages
10:55 AM

Crying out for attention for others
10:57 AM

Look at me!
10:58 AM

Look at me now!
10:59 AM

Now, now, now!
11:00 AM

Re-reading my own twitter posts and marveling at how fascinating I am
11:07 AM

Get MAD and Get Even (More MAD)

When you were a kid, did you love MAD Magazine? If you read this blog, I'm guessing the answer is "Heck, yeah!" Well, I have some bad news for you: After their 500th issue, MAD will be switching from a monthly format to a quarterly format. This is, no doubt, a sad outcome of the general decline in magazine circulation across the publishing industry. I fear that MAD will only have a harder time staying afloat as a quarterly since it depends on topical humor.

Well, I think if we (and by "we" I mean "the internet") all pull together, we can do something about it. Now is the time to stop being nostalgic for our childhoods and start buying subscriptions. If not for ourselves, then perhaps as a gift for our kids (or our friends kids, or our nieces and nephews...) Subscriptions are cheap at only $19.99 for 14 issues. Look, you don't even need a checkbook--you can do it online:

Click Here to Get a Subscription for Yourself or Somebody You Love

If we can't reach the critical mass necessary to reverse the fortunes of the magazine that helped shape (and by "shape" I mean "warp") our sensibilities, then at the very least we'll be teaching kids the unique joys of reading MAD:

• Wasting hours looking at all of the little details
• Learning how to be world weary without being cynical, learning how to question authority without being a jerk about it
• Re-reading old issues to get all the dirty jokes that went over your head the first time around
• Yelling at your mom when she throws out your old -- and surely priceless -- issues when you went to college

I'm counting on you, blogospher. If we can make "Talk Like a Pirate Day" a real holiday, if we can redefine the meaning of Rick Santorum's last name, if we can make Perez Hilton gainfully employed... then surely we can pull together and help our old friends at MAD keep the satire coming.

Warning: Giant Watchmen Spoiler

Billy Crudup -- the guy who plays Dr. Manhattan -- also does the voice-overs for all of the MasterCard "Priceless" commercials. We dare you to try not to think about that when you're watching the movie.

Good News for Star Trek Actors: David E. Kelley Has a New Series!

If you ever watched any David E. Kelley shows like Boston Legal, The Practice, Boston Public, or Ally McBeal, then you know he's a special kind of Trekkie. While most super fans collect autographed photos, this producer collects actors. He seems to be on a personal mission to give former Star Trek actors regular paychecks. Mr. Kelley, as a public service to help you in this endeavor, we've put together a convenient checklist. Simply check off the actors names when you've given them a guest spot or a regular role on your new show Legally Mad.

Don't Forget: Valentine's Day Starts on December 17th This Year

This holiday is sponsored by the retailers, advertisers, and radio stations who decided to start celebrating Christmas 87 days early this year.

Finalists for the Best Patent Award

The nominees are:

• The Heisenberg Compensator, patent by Dr. Emory Erickson
• The Positron Collider, patent by Dr. Egon Spengler
• The Flux Capacitor, patent by Dr. Emmett Brown
• Focused Erasure Procedure, patent by Dr. Howard Mierzwiak
• Earth, patent by Deep Thought

Merry (Belated) Christmas!

Based on in sitings of Christmas tree displays at Borders Books, posters for Vince Vaughn's annual Christmas movie on the street, and Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" at the corner deli, Christmas officially started on October 27th this year. That gives us a glorious 59 days to celebrate the Christmas before the day I thought Christmas started on. Adjust your calendars accordingly to reflect the new start dates for holidays:

Christmas: October 27th
New Year's: November 3rd
Valentine's Day: December 17th
Memorial Day: March 27th
The 4th of July: May 6th
Halloween: September 2nd
Thanksgiving: September 28th

You Cannot Escape From Madagascar to Africa

Coming soon from the producers of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa:

• Chicago 2: Escape to America
• Manhattan 2: Escape to New York
• Escape From New York 2: Escape to the Eastern Standard Time Zone

In an Early Draft of the Watchmen Script, Alan Moore Explored Other Character Concepts for the Comedian

It's late at night. New York City. 1985.

A grappling hook shoots through the air and catches on a window frame. We see Rorschach perched in the window, about to enter the empty apartment apartment. His grappling hook is still hooked to the frame.

Breaking away from the panels, we reveal the title of the first issue in bold, black letters: "Why Is There Air?"

Back in the Comedian's apartment, Rorschach looks around the room and notices a photograph of the victim. He's a handsome African-American male, dressed to play tennis. He's posing with a white male. Both are smiling. From the clothes and the hair, the photo appears to have been taken in the 1960s.

Rorschach goes to the closet. Opening the door, the closet seems to be empty except for a few overly colorful, heavily checkered sweaters. He pushes the sweaters aside and notices a small button on the back of the closet wall. He presses it. The back of the closet slides open to reveal a hidden space.

The centerpiece of the hidden alcove is a superhero costume. There is a pair of yellow spandex shorts and a matching shirt. The shirt has a light orange "B" logo on it. There is a matching cape and a pair of yellow boots. The costume is completed by a pair of white boots and a black eye mask.

Rorschach lays the costume on the floor to study it. He says "Hurm."

Rorschach notices there is a picture hanging next to the costume. He picks it up. It's a photograph of the masked adventurer Brown Hornet and his two sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell.

Who Doesn't Love a Good Angry Mob?

Wear it with pride.

Scalia Rules That the Use of "Militia" in the 2nd Amendment Does Not Limit the Right to Bear Arms to Soldiers

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Fresh buttermilk pancakes, being a delicious breakfast food, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"A domesticated dog, being a superlative friend to a man of any station, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"A sailing ship, being a thing that is larger than a bread box, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"The weather in Philadelphia, being hotter than the armpit of one of Benjamin Franklin's whores, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Gout, being a painful and unseemly ailment, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Samuel Adams of Massachusetts, being a known welsher on his gambling debts, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"The number ninety seven, being the sum of the number forty three and fifty four, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

"Totally irrelevant and unrelated statements, having nothing to do with anything they happen to proceed, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

With Apologies to Shel Silverstein: Sarah Palin's "Where The Bridge to Nowhere Ends"

There's a place where honesty gets lost in the wind
Blown away by politicians' lies.
But there was one clear-voiced maverick
And to the straight-talking truth he would always stick...
And then he threw it all away with his running-mate pick
From where the bridge to nowhere ends.

From convention to election in every speech
To the role of reformer she pretends:
Pork barrel pet projects she claims to have slowed
Says she stood up against earmarks, but that's a big stinking lode.
Bragged she stopped the wasteful spending, but the money still flowed
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

"Thanks, but no thanks," must be some sort of code
For "I'm keeping the money that I'm entitled and owed!"
True, she stopped the bridge--but she's still building the road
To where the bridge to nowhere ends.

In Case of Emergency, '08